He said, She said

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You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  
Jan Glidewell
 

    Ex-man and I have so many stories about each other - at times I find myself doing a reality check.  How much of the stories are true? How much are embellishments? 
Recently I went to a family dinner where Ex-man told the story of how when we were reunited in our twenties and had a long distance relationship, my eldest son and I would get so upset when he left to go home on the plane.  Eventually, we couldn't even take him to the airport because we were so distraught so his friend had to drive him.  As a result, he ended up, in his words,"selling my multimillion dollar business and becoming a gardener."  
   I sat there fascinated at his rendition of "our" history as it bore no resemblance to my own recollections.  Sure, I used to be sad to see him go but I always remember driving him to the airport.  In addition, his story shmacked of a person who didn't want to take responsibility for the choices he'd made in his life.  
   What's the point of arguing whose story is closer to what actually occurred?  We both have an investment in our own versions - his investment is that he didn't have any other choice but to get out of a business that was financially successful and find another way to make less money closer to home (this is another version of the victim theme).  My investment in my story is that, despite my feelings, I can handle my emotions and, like a good girlfriend, I continued to drive him to the airport even if it made me sad.  Yet I sat there as he told his story and bit my tongue because I knew that somewhere between what he says and what I say, there is the truth of what actually happened.  At this point, however, the past is a moot point.  My job is to let it go so that I can embrace the present. 

Do you waste time and energy in "he said, she said" debates with your ex?  If so, know that you will probably never remember the past in or see the present in the same manner.  Whenever possible, disengage your energy from this struggle.  Sometimes this type of engagement can ease the feeling of losing someone in your life by maintaining a negative connection.  The tension can also give a sense of relief for "not having the person in your life anymore". 

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