One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.
― Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose"
Oscar Wilde said, "When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one in reserve." Similarly, a former work cohort had the philosophy, “The only way to get over one man is to get under another.” While I’m not a huge fan of missionary position, the position I’m questioning is the one that uses one person as a band-aid for another – the old rebound phenomena.
Normally, I practice serial monogamy. Characteristically, I would wait a few months after a breakup and then start pursuing a new partner, or being pursued by one. In truth, this pattern doesn’t work for me. Sure, the drug of a new relationship replaces the feeling of loss, anger, or hurt, but it’s only ever the no-name type of band-aid – the type that falls off way too quickly. I didn’t process the loss or take the time to understand the past relationship. I didn’t take time to grieve, or to celebrate for that matter. I’d do things like call my new partner my old partner’s name and even though my conscious mind had more or less moved on, the old lover would still play a leading (and sometimes kinky) role in my dreams.
This time, I’m committed to wait 365 days before entering a new relationship. As a very physical reminder of this goal, I’ve gone to the toy store and purchased 365 marbles. Each day I take one marble away from my jar of marbles. Each day this action will remind me that I won’t always be feeling as lousy as I do today. Every day I will think about the seasons coming full circle and while I might feel like I’m smack in the middle of fall’s death, things will start to bloom in the spring. I’ll write daily about my challenges, my triumphs, and my insights and each day will become less about my old partner (or a new partner) and more about me.
I’ve recruited my friends to keep me in check. If I even mention a prospective romance, they are to ask me, “Have you lost your marbles?” If my answer is “no” then I’m reminded that my process isn’t complete. The way I look at it is, I’m a fish in a pond of post breakup sludge that muddies my clarity. How am I supposed to even know what I want in this mucky mess? The sediment needs time to settle.
There’s a fish in the Amazon River whose eyes have adapted so that it can see clearly through the muddied waters of the flooded Rainforest. The fish can see a berry up above and spit water at it so that it falls into its open mouth. The trouble with me is that I don’t have this adaptation but for too many years, I thought I did. Sometimes a grenade looks like a berry to the untrained eye and the result can be catastrophic.
Thanks, but no thanks. Until the sediment has settled, I’ll wait my 365 days. By then I know the waters will be azure clear. Until then, a marble a day keeps old patterns away, and as the Taoist in me says, "A thousand mile journey begins with the first marble..."
(You may have already picked this up, but if you're not a fan of the metaphor, step away from this blog. I'm a metaphorologist.)
A note on the term Ex-man: The following pages refer to a character I call the ex or “Ex-man.” I call him a character because despite this being non-fiction, in some ways he is no more real than his superhero namesake. Nor is he immune from any projections I may place upon him as a person (this tendency will become clearer as the year proceeds). To be crystal clear, Ex-man is not the bad guy here. He is a charming man, a good father, a loving person. He is the person with whom I passed a dozen years of my life. Although these are my stories, he has his stories too and in the end, it is less about the stories and more about the expanded awareness that I received from bumping up against him whilst in relationship and after our breakup. For this, I have bittersweet gratitude.
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