350 Marbles
Since the breakup, I’ve been finding it challenging to negotiate the after school pickup of my kids. Luckily it’s been raining a lot so I’ve been able to do a quick pickup and then head for the solace of home. (I don't know how celebrities handle breakups with the paparazzi and the media hounding them.)
Yesterday, however, it was bright and sunny and my daughter wanted to play in the playground. I said okay, but I felt overexposed on the asphalt of the schoolyard, kind of like how a worm must feel after emerging from the dark, cool earth. I felt squirmy and raw in the sunshine, making small talk with the other parents.
I’ve felt so much judgment over the past few weeks. Other parents know Ex-man and I have broken up. I am awkward. I feel a bit like I failed, again. The other parents seem awkward although it may be my own projection. Their eyes avert from mine.
I waited as long as I could on the asphalt and then said to my daughter, “Let’s go.”
“No,” she replied, “We never get to play after school.”
“I know,” I said. The kids were stir crazy. “You play. I’ll wait in the car.”
Even the car had too many windows.
When the kids finally came to the car, I tried to explain, “I can’t stay long after school right now.”
My little guru son replied, “I know, because you’re sad.”
“Yes,” I answered.
Last night as I lay in bed, I said a quiet prayer to God, the universe, or to anyone else who was listening, “I need kindness in the playground. I don’t need sympathy, I just need kindness.”
This morning I was relieved that it was raining again. When I dropped my son off at his classroom, a woman whom I’ve seen around for months started talking to me. I felt the warmth of a thousand sunbeams melt the fear, judgment, and isolation around my heart. At the end or our conversation she asked, “What’s your name?”
“Lisa, “ I replied.
“Mine’s Faith,” she stated.
Faith. I smiled.
And it’s as easy as that.
Today, have faith that things will get better. I send you sunbeam smiles :)))))
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