347 Marbles
Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost.
Terry Brooks
I was at a dinner last night when the hostess got into a bitter tirade about her lost dreams, misplaced optimism, the resentment of her unfulfilled life. As I looked out over the gorgeous view of the ocean from her large windows, I wondered, “How does this happen?” How is it that someone who travels, has healthy children, a beautiful home, and a loving mate can look at her life as unlived? More importantly, how do I immunize myself from this type of bitterness? From the dreams that I haven’t yet manifested for myself? The disappointments? The lost loves?
My immunization of choice is the AH vaccine: Appreciation and Hope. When I look at my life right now, I realize that I would have never expected to be in the position I’m in now. Given that, I can’t say that I'm in a bad place. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet after years of being in relationships and I’m learning to appreciate what I have: a job, healthy kids, my own health, a home to live in, and the chance to go back to school. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s a gap between where I thought I’d be and where I am, but I’m aware that bitterness is like a weed that creeps into the gap. Appreciation is the pesticide.
The other valuable tonic available to us mortals is hope. In the myth of Pandora’s box, the incorrigible Pandora is gifted a container and told not to open it. Being the curious sort, she could not follow orders (I feel for her) and she opened up the box unleashing all evils onto mankind. She realized her error and quickly closed the box. The one element remaining in her box was hope.
Hope is sometimes misunderstood and is often viewed as being passive - like you’re waiting around for something different to happen as in the “Waiting Place” of Dr. Suess’ “Oh the Places you’ll Go” where everyone is just...
"Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow."
But to me, hope is about opening to the possibility that things will change in the direction I’d view as positive and then taking the necessary steps in head in that direction. The I Ching states the only thing we know about life is that things will change. I’m open to those changes being the ones that I want. In the meantime I'll practice having the courage to dare to want something different and the diligence required to take the steps to manifest my dreams and desires.
The one thing I know after listening to my hostess, is that bitterness squelches life and steals joy. As Robert G. Menzies said, “It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness.”
Breakups are the perfect soil for bitterness to grow, especially if the split was not self-initiated. Can you avoid letting your hurt turn to bitterness and anger? Can you take stock of your life and appreciate what is good? Can you work towards letting go of what's not working and replacing it with something that suits you better?
FYI -I am here to say, from a time zone five years post breakup, it does get better.
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