362 Marbles
I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.
Shirley MacLaine
The most crazy-making question that I can pose to my brain right now is, “Why the split?” It wasn’t a lack of love. When people outside my brain ask me the question, I answer with something like, “I have a story in which I’m the protagonist and he’s the antagonist. I also have a story in which he’s the protagonist and I’m the antagonist. Which one would you like to hear?” The fact that there even exists the antagonistic role, may be the story in itself.
When I was little, I was told that a protagonist drove a story and an antagonist prevented the heroine from getting what she wanted. Without the conflict there exists no story. I think I may have taken this a little too seriously. I once had an ex-husband who was uncomplicated with his love. Crazy me thought that it didn’t quite feel like love – Where’s the drama? Not to worry – I created it.
I remember when my kids were younger how they would often get fixated on naming the "good guy" and the "bad guy" when they were watching a movie. I saw this and wondered if we were doing a disservice to our children when we tell them stories where there is a clear big, bad wolf (I see too many politicians who are still entrenched in this type of thinking.) I asked a writing teacher this question and she told me that in the hero's journey, we see the protagonist overcoming dark forces. In life, these dark forces are never just outside of us - we all battle our own demons. The truth that story relays is that when we are brave and do the work to go into our own dark places, we will come out the other side. Most of us aren't conscious that the major work is done on our interior landscape so the stories of survival and courage give us the faith that all will be well when we face the dragon.
What I’ve come to appreciate is the movement of storytellers toward the fractured narrative (think Crash, Magnolia, The Poisonwood Bible). The storylines are so intertwined and just like real life, there exists no single protagonist nor a single antagonist. This storytelling moves away from the dangerous black and white, us-and-them thinking which in the microcosm of a breakup sounds like, “My ex is an as-----!”
What I know for sure is that there are so many stories about myself and my ex. I turn them over and over in my head. Each one carries part of the truth, but only one small facet. Each story is like focusing on one side of a prism as a means of seeing the whole – it simply doesn’t work. I haven’t had the time or distance to pull back and hold the relationship up to the light to see what shines through. Right now all I can see is our kids shining through.
I also know is that I’m tired of being my own protagonist if there has to be an antagonist to make my story spin. I want a soft place to fall even if it’s only my own arms that are there to catch me and I know that I’m getting tired of living my own dramas. My new goal is to keep the drama to the page.
How will you talk about the breakup when people ask what happened? Will you frame yourself as a victim? Will you accept responsibility for being the villain? Is it ever that black and white?
Can you stay out of story and drama? I once heard the writer/speaker Iyanla Vanzant say of her husband that initiated their divorce, "He changed his mind." End of story.
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