To Have and to Hold

351 Marbles

    My mother lives in a senior’s home.  She has dementia that affects her ability to communicate.   She is also in a wheelchair so she is not very mobile, especially now when the winter weather prevents a stroll outside.  With all these factors at play, I was left with the question – how do I maintain connection with her during our visits?  My answer – the manicure. 
    For months, I’ve been manicuring her fingernails.  She was never a woman that went for manicures but now they’re coming to her. I know it’s frivolous, but it’s a way to show her care,  touch her and give her a nice hand massage.  It lets her know that she matters to me. 
    Today when I took the kids for a visit she asked, “Where’s – where’s, you’re – husband?”  I had decided not to tell her about Ex-man and me splitting up.  I'm usually a pretty honest person but honestly, why worry her 80+ head?  “He’s at work, “ I answered.  She asked again, “Where’s -  your – husband?“ “He’s at work,” I told her.  She turned to the kids,  “Where’s, where’s your __? “ but she couldn’t find the word for Dad.  She was frustrated.  I continued preening her. 
    She grabbed my hand and said, as clear as day, “You promised to have and to hold.”  Hmmmm, a Catholic guilt-punch right in the stomach, and one that radiated on many levels: Firstly, what’s with the sudden breakthrough of language?  I’ve spent months with her, trying to piece together indiscernible fragments of words.  Secondly, Ex-man and I never really promised to have and to hold per se – we were common law.  Thirdly, sure she never divorced my dad physically, but there’s such a thing as emotional divorce, so who is she to talk?  And lastly, how the heck did she know? I know my sisters didn’t tell her.  There is only one who would have spilled the beans and I made her promise not to mention it.  
    The Tibetan Buddhists believe that when a baby is born, they are still largely part of the spiritual realm.  Slowly the baby grounds onto this physical realm and into the body. By the time they acquire language, they have completely crossed over into our reality of the five senses.  Perhaps with the process of dying,  the senses are gradually relinquished but access to the other realm of knowledge (aka the collective unconscious) is heightened.  Maybe my Mom is experiencing crossing back over which could explain her mondo case of mother’s intuition.
    So, back to her question or statement: To have and to hold, from this day forward, till death do us part.  Yep, not a strong suit of mine.  I first got married when I was twenty-one, when I hadn’t even learned to have and to hold myself, or who myself was.  So here’s my goal – I promise to have and to hold myself from this day forward, until death and beyond.

Can you make a promise to yourself to take the time needed to learn what it means to have and to hold yourself?