338 Marbles
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
I took the key to my place from Ex-man today. It was a boundary of sorts. He looked at me like I was a drama queen and said as he passed over the key, “We don’t have to do this.” I replied, “You may not have to, but I do.”
My place was once our shared space. He was entering it, taking things out after he moved, acting as if it was still his space. When I go to his place on a kid exchange, I act as a visitor would, asking to use the washroom etc. Taking the key back helps me clear him from our space – now my space with the kids.
So that's the physical boundary of keys and spaces but there's also an emotional boundary that has to be established. The last few times I saw Ex-man, he greeted me with tales of woe, car problems, a hedge-height issue with a neighbour. I found myself putting up a rigid boundary, almost floating out of my body because my unease was so great. Inside I felt, “It’s not my responsibility to hear about your car problems.” Yes, he could have been merely venting, and yes, it could be that I shouldn’t feel like I have to fix it, but I do. I have an overriding maternal MO that kicks in even in our non-relationship relationship. I take it on. My bad.
My wise friend, Rayana, suggests that I exchange his negative with a positive. If he tells me something that’s not working, I give him back something that is working. I tried this today. I picked him up when his work truck broke down near my house – we have been friends since we were fourteen and after all, he did teach me to drive. On the way back to his house, I could feel myself flying away, zorting out. Instead of engaging in his negative talk about his truck, I told him about the great bike ride I had to my class this morning. I stayed present. It worked, for me at least, and I guess it’s not longer my place to make it work for him. Perhaps it never was.
Can you be conscious of both your physical and emotional boundaries with your ex? Are there fences that have to be mended or built between the two of you?
Check out Rayana De Silva http://rayanadesilva.com/
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