299 Marbles
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Mark Twain
Yesterday was Easter, the first holiday since move out date. I did the usual hunt with the kids then we went to a family brunch to celebrate my Mom’s 85th birthday. Ex-man came and it all went remarkably well. Then I went to work and ultimately to bed. I guess there was too much for my sleeping mind to process so I woke up at 4:26 am, wide awake. A dose of herbal Valium ushered me back to sleep, but as I drifted away, I dreaded my dreams.
At least with my conscious mind I can squish thoughts that I don’t want to hold, kind of like the ant infestation I’m having in my kitchen. Last Spring, the ants had the decency to arrive announced and mannerly through the front door. A line of ground coffee along the doorsill remedied the problem and sent the message that they were not welcome. This year they arrived in full force on several fronts, including under dips in the floorboards. Normally I keep a fairly Buddhist sensibility when it comes to insects: Arachnids, flies and bees that make their way inside get let out through a window. Mosquitoes and ants, however, I squish every time. Similarly, I’m beginning to watch the negative thoughts that make their way into my mind much like I watch the ants. I get curious and try the watch the thought to find out where it’s coming from – the source of the infestation. I’m getting better at squishing the thoughts before they run away on me.
As I dozed off to sleep last night, I had the feeling that I was spreading the kitchen floor with apple juice and jam and turning off the lights, letting the ants and the thoughts run amuck.
I dreamed we had lost my daughter’s white shoes outside. She found some shoes but they were a stranger’s black sandals. I told her we had to find her shoes and when we went outside again, Ex-man’s whole family were playing a game of soccer. We had to weave through the field looking for the sandals and my eldest son started to help us. As we were searching, I met every person associated with the family. Many ignored me, not knowing what to say. I was bereft but tried to hold my head up. At the end of the field, we found the sandals.
When I woke this morning I was sad. Sadness is not a thought - it’s a feeling, and I can’t squish the feeling. Yet as I read Mark Twain’s quote, I wonder if by focusing on the bits of sadness, I’m not ignoring all the other areas of my life that are more expansive. Is it like sitting in my kitchen, obsessing with the pesky ants? Sure, I have to deal with the ants but there are so many other rooms in my house that are far less troublesome.
Thoughts from an Easter Monday: Breakups can feel like death and there are many areas of your life that have to be mourned. Yet the celebration of Easter can remind that life arises even after death. Know that you are perennial: when you have survived this winter of your life you will spring forth with beauty and life again. Like perennials we have the ability to endure and last an infinitely long time.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Mark Twain
Yesterday was Easter, the first holiday since move out date. I did the usual hunt with the kids then we went to a family brunch to celebrate my Mom’s 85th birthday. Ex-man came and it all went remarkably well. Then I went to work and ultimately to bed. I guess there was too much for my sleeping mind to process so I woke up at 4:26 am, wide awake. A dose of herbal Valium ushered me back to sleep, but as I drifted away, I dreaded my dreams.
At least with my conscious mind I can squish thoughts that I don’t want to hold, kind of like the ant infestation I’m having in my kitchen. Last Spring, the ants had the decency to arrive announced and mannerly through the front door. A line of ground coffee along the doorsill remedied the problem and sent the message that they were not welcome. This year they arrived in full force on several fronts, including under dips in the floorboards. Normally I keep a fairly Buddhist sensibility when it comes to insects: Arachnids, flies and bees that make their way inside get let out through a window. Mosquitoes and ants, however, I squish every time. Similarly, I’m beginning to watch the negative thoughts that make their way into my mind much like I watch the ants. I get curious and try the watch the thought to find out where it’s coming from – the source of the infestation. I’m getting better at squishing the thoughts before they run away on me.
As I dozed off to sleep last night, I had the feeling that I was spreading the kitchen floor with apple juice and jam and turning off the lights, letting the ants and the thoughts run amuck.
I dreamed we had lost my daughter’s white shoes outside. She found some shoes but they were a stranger’s black sandals. I told her we had to find her shoes and when we went outside again, Ex-man’s whole family were playing a game of soccer. We had to weave through the field looking for the sandals and my eldest son started to help us. As we were searching, I met every person associated with the family. Many ignored me, not knowing what to say. I was bereft but tried to hold my head up. At the end of the field, we found the sandals.
When I woke this morning I was sad. Sadness is not a thought - it’s a feeling, and I can’t squish the feeling. Yet as I read Mark Twain’s quote, I wonder if by focusing on the bits of sadness, I’m not ignoring all the other areas of my life that are more expansive. Is it like sitting in my kitchen, obsessing with the pesky ants? Sure, I have to deal with the ants but there are so many other rooms in my house that are far less troublesome.
Thoughts from an Easter Monday: Breakups can feel like death and there are many areas of your life that have to be mourned. Yet the celebration of Easter can remind that life arises even after death. Know that you are perennial: when you have survived this winter of your life you will spring forth with beauty and life again. Like perennials we have the ability to endure and last an infinitely long time.
No comments:
Post a Comment