337.5 Marbles -
Oh God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Oh ooh and God, give me the courage to love with an open heart
To love with an open heart, to love with an open heart,
I wanna love with an open heart
Oh ooh oh with an open heart
India.Arie “Intro Loving”
So it’s five years after the original 365 marble year and this year has an extra leap year marble. I thought of ignoring that extra darn marble - it was only supposed to be 365 marbles, after all - but that didn’t seem right. I thought of adding an extra entry at the end of the year, but that didn’t seem right either. Instead, I’ve decided to write about one of the themes that emerged from that first marble year - serenity - in my layman’s terms - nonreactive calmness - a peace with all that is, even when what “is” appears to be lousy.
I realized when I wrote the entry “Songchronicity” (Marble 360) that I omitted the above song by India.Arie that was an integral part of my playlist. The song, which is obviously inspired by the Serenity Prayer, was part of my morning and my ride into work ritual. The original prayer was written by Reinhold Niebuhr and the full version asks for the ability to live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept hardship as a pathway to peace. As the first marble year progressed, I realized that I was working towards embodying the serenity prayer. Among other things, I was learning to accept the breakup (the thing I could not change) and build a "new normal" for myself and my kids. I was working at changing the things that I could change in my life (back at school, learning to stretch my writing muscles, and then following my guidance on which ideas to pursue). And always, I ask for the ability to discern the changeable from the fixed.
India.Arie’s song continues after the Serenity Prayer ends and asks for “the courage to love with an open heart.” What I know for sure is that the marbles allowed my raisin of a heart to plump up again so that I was able, when the time was right, to love myself, my children, my friends, and a lover with more fullness.
It
has been challenging at times to post some of the entries from early on
in the breakup when I was particularly raw. At times I’ve wanted to go
back and shake that other me and say, “Let go already, move on,
sayonara” but I needed time and a soft place. It’s funny that a mound
of marbles became my soft place to land.
Could you spend some time contemplating the fixed, unchangeable aspects of your life? Ask for the grace to be yielding in these areas. What are the areas that, through your volition, are more dynamic and changeable? Be brave enough to do what it takes to change them if they're not working for you.
Keys and Boundaries
338 Marbles
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
I took the key to my place from Ex-man today. It was a boundary of sorts. He looked at me like I was a drama queen and said as he passed over the key, “We don’t have to do this.” I replied, “You may not have to, but I do.”
My place was once our shared space. He was entering it, taking things out after he moved, acting as if it was still his space. When I go to his place on a kid exchange, I act as a visitor would, asking to use the washroom etc. Taking the key back helps me clear him from our space – now my space with the kids.
So that's the physical boundary of keys and spaces but there's also an emotional boundary that has to be established. The last few times I saw Ex-man, he greeted me with tales of woe, car problems, a hedge-height issue with a neighbour. I found myself putting up a rigid boundary, almost floating out of my body because my unease was so great. Inside I felt, “It’s not my responsibility to hear about your car problems.” Yes, he could have been merely venting, and yes, it could be that I shouldn’t feel like I have to fix it, but I do. I have an overriding maternal MO that kicks in even in our non-relationship relationship. I take it on. My bad.
My wise friend, Rayana, suggests that I exchange his negative with a positive. If he tells me something that’s not working, I give him back something that is working. I tried this today. I picked him up when his work truck broke down near my house – we have been friends since we were fourteen and after all, he did teach me to drive. On the way back to his house, I could feel myself flying away, zorting out. Instead of engaging in his negative talk about his truck, I told him about the great bike ride I had to my class this morning. I stayed present. It worked, for me at least, and I guess it’s not longer my place to make it work for him. Perhaps it never was.
Can you be conscious of both your physical and emotional boundaries with your ex? Are there fences that have to be mended or built between the two of you?
Check out Rayana De Silva http://rayanadesilva.com/
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
I took the key to my place from Ex-man today. It was a boundary of sorts. He looked at me like I was a drama queen and said as he passed over the key, “We don’t have to do this.” I replied, “You may not have to, but I do.”
My place was once our shared space. He was entering it, taking things out after he moved, acting as if it was still his space. When I go to his place on a kid exchange, I act as a visitor would, asking to use the washroom etc. Taking the key back helps me clear him from our space – now my space with the kids.
So that's the physical boundary of keys and spaces but there's also an emotional boundary that has to be established. The last few times I saw Ex-man, he greeted me with tales of woe, car problems, a hedge-height issue with a neighbour. I found myself putting up a rigid boundary, almost floating out of my body because my unease was so great. Inside I felt, “It’s not my responsibility to hear about your car problems.” Yes, he could have been merely venting, and yes, it could be that I shouldn’t feel like I have to fix it, but I do. I have an overriding maternal MO that kicks in even in our non-relationship relationship. I take it on. My bad.
My wise friend, Rayana, suggests that I exchange his negative with a positive. If he tells me something that’s not working, I give him back something that is working. I tried this today. I picked him up when his work truck broke down near my house – we have been friends since we were fourteen and after all, he did teach me to drive. On the way back to his house, I could feel myself flying away, zorting out. Instead of engaging in his negative talk about his truck, I told him about the great bike ride I had to my class this morning. I stayed present. It worked, for me at least, and I guess it’s not longer my place to make it work for him. Perhaps it never was.
Can you be conscious of both your physical and emotional boundaries with your ex? Are there fences that have to be mended or built between the two of you?
Check out Rayana De Silva http://rayanadesilva.com/
And the Oscar Goes to . . .
339 Marbles
I was blessed by a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between.
Ani DiFranco
In my place in time and space, we've recently had the Oscars. The whole pomp and circumstance has gotten me thinking about this production called life. I’ve acted as producer of my life but I’ve also been writer, director, and casting agent. This is particularly daunting with reference to an ex, but I cast him as well. If a marble a day keeps old patterns away, I’m open to the idea that the next person I cast will play a different role.
Here’s the thing – the beginning of most relationships is a bit of a smoke and mirrors show. Most of the time, I’ve ended up projecting a pile of stuff onto my mates as if they were an empty screen. The screen eventually comes down and this is when the “romantic love” stage moves into the love stage (if you’re lucky). In return, I’ve taken whatever role they were casting at the time, even if the role at times called for an evil she-devil of a leading lady. Hey, it kept me working didn’t it?
Another reason for the marbles is this – I can’t trust myself to stand in integrity in a relationship if someone’s subconscious puts out a casting call for a villainous leading lady. I know a bit of which I speak. When I was younger, I cast an ex-husband who had a healthy view of love. I left him because although my conscious casting agent knew he was a good leading man, my subconscious one didn’t like the way he played the part,"Where's the drama?" I also believe that Ex-man had some deep rooted issues around women in his life and that I often stepped into his less than optimal casting call.
I think my job over the next year is to get my two casting agents on the same page. The marbles remind me that it’s better to play leading lady in my own movie than to play a bit part in someone else’s. They also remind me that I have one shot to make this production called my life into an Oscar winning performance.
Could you take responsibility for the people you have in your life? You are the casting agent. Could you appreciate the people who play loving, supportive roles? If there are people in roles that you don't like, see if the roles can be rewritten. If not, consider firing their sorry butts. You're the producer, aren't you?
As yogini and writer Sadie Nardini says,"Inviting the wrong person along for the ride can ruin a perfectly good adventure."
I was blessed by a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between.
Ani DiFranco
In my place in time and space, we've recently had the Oscars. The whole pomp and circumstance has gotten me thinking about this production called life. I’ve acted as producer of my life but I’ve also been writer, director, and casting agent. This is particularly daunting with reference to an ex, but I cast him as well. If a marble a day keeps old patterns away, I’m open to the idea that the next person I cast will play a different role.
Here’s the thing – the beginning of most relationships is a bit of a smoke and mirrors show. Most of the time, I’ve ended up projecting a pile of stuff onto my mates as if they were an empty screen. The screen eventually comes down and this is when the “romantic love” stage moves into the love stage (if you’re lucky). In return, I’ve taken whatever role they were casting at the time, even if the role at times called for an evil she-devil of a leading lady. Hey, it kept me working didn’t it?
Another reason for the marbles is this – I can’t trust myself to stand in integrity in a relationship if someone’s subconscious puts out a casting call for a villainous leading lady. I know a bit of which I speak. When I was younger, I cast an ex-husband who had a healthy view of love. I left him because although my conscious casting agent knew he was a good leading man, my subconscious one didn’t like the way he played the part,"Where's the drama?" I also believe that Ex-man had some deep rooted issues around women in his life and that I often stepped into his less than optimal casting call.
I think my job over the next year is to get my two casting agents on the same page. The marbles remind me that it’s better to play leading lady in my own movie than to play a bit part in someone else’s. They also remind me that I have one shot to make this production called my life into an Oscar winning performance.
Could you take responsibility for the people you have in your life? You are the casting agent. Could you appreciate the people who play loving, supportive roles? If there are people in roles that you don't like, see if the roles can be rewritten. If not, consider firing their sorry butts. You're the producer, aren't you?
As yogini and writer Sadie Nardini says,"Inviting the wrong person along for the ride can ruin a perfectly good adventure."
Changing Hairdressers
340 Marbles
The aftershock of a breakup shakes areas that seem to be unrelated to the epicenter. The seismic upheaval sends ripples through many areas of life. For me, one of these areas is my hairdresser. I’ve had the same hairdresser for about eight years. She’s a friend of Ex-man’s brother and his partner. Our sons have grown into friends. Yet when I think of going to see her now, it makes me uneasy. I don’t want to partake in the “he said, she said”. I don’t want the questions about what happened. I want to opt out and change hairdressers.
Admittedly, I’m not the best client as I tend to go as long as possible between cuts and so far, color hasn’t been an issue; I’ve stuck with my regular color (no “blondage” for me) and good genes have kept the grays away. Yet the idea of changing hairdressers isn’t to be taken lightly. Most women feel that switching a regular hairdresser (or seeing another one on the side) is akin to being a tress adulteress. I’m feeling a bit guilty, but I need to move forward and sometimes that means moving away from the web that connects me to Ex-man. It's time for change.
I decide to write my hairdresser a note, thanking her for the years of service and explaining that I needed a change, it wasn't her- it was me, and didn’t want to her to be my default “hairapist.” Then I dropped it off at her salon which is right by my work. Now all I have to do is find another amazing hairdresser.
Could you be conscious of the areas in your life that keep you connected to your past life with your ex? Some of these areas may be necessary connections (children, family, joint friends) but others may not support your moving into your new life. Can you let go of he ones that don't support you?
Exit Interviews
341 Marbles
The grace with which we leave a relationship is just as important as the optimism in which we enter one. I have an ex-husband who, when we mutually decided to part ways, told me, "Lisa, you'll be okay when you realize there is nothing wrong with you." At the time I thought, "Ha -he's crazy - he obviously can't see my numerous flaws." Now I know that he saw all of me, but he accepted all of me as well.
In the other part of our exit interview, he said, "You are family to me." We made an agreement to always be able to lift a glass of goodwill and toast our son on his birthday. This wasn't just a commitment to the physical "Cheers" but more an oath to remain in good standing with each other. As the years have past, and he has remarried and had a son, and I had two children with Ex-man, I am proud to say that we have kept this promise. This would not have been possible without the cooperation of our new families and our ability to respect the connections that each of us had made. In other words, we are all conscious not to step on each others' toes and it is our son and our extended families that benefit from this.
I don't regret parting ways with my ex-husband, but I used to wonder why I did. I've come to the conclusion that his type of love was like a shoe that didn't quite fit - like the stepsister trying to fit into the glass slipper. My spirit wanted it to so badly, but in reality, it just didn't feel right - not like the spiky love I had known growing up. Enter Ex-man. He was a perfect fit and he, being just as good a friend as my ex-husband, helped me bring light to all my dark places. Not surprisingly, the exit interviews with Ex-man haven't always been as smooth-sailing, but neither was our connection. Yet without him, I would not be doing the clean-up that I need to do in order to get back to a healthier love. Without him, I would not be working towards wholeness.
Could you be conscious of the exit interviews between you and your ex? If there are children involved, could you set some ground rules for dealing with disagreements so that the kids don't have the added stress of the breakup and continued conflict between their parents?
Yoga
342 Marbles
The only way to love the world around us is to love and respect our own journey. The only way to manifest global compassion is to embody self compassion. I invite all of us to love our journeys. It’s been a wild ride and life is good and our hearts are open and the possibilities are endless.
Seane Corn
The only way to love the world around us is to love and respect our own journey. The only way to manifest global compassion is to embody self compassion. I invite all of us to love our journeys. It’s been a wild ride and life is good and our hearts are open and the possibilities are endless.
Seane Corn
Some people hit the bottle after a breakup, some people hit the ganja, some people hit the road, but I hit the mat. Breakups can feel debilitating - the center of my chest actually feels like there is a leg-hold trap inside of it. My breath has unconsciously become shallower but hitting the yoga mat a few times a week is helping me get through this breakup. How? It reminds me to breathe. When I remember to breathe it makes me calmer and when I’m calmer, I feel like I can handle anything.
I used to go to a yoga studio near my old house but now I find it more convenient (and economical) to have my own practice. Sometimes I fly solo and sometimes I prefer to follow a DVD of one of my favorite teachers (Seane Corn, Eion Finn, David Swenson). I always leave the mat feeling centered and rejuvenated.
The word yoga comes from the Sanskrit word for union. In a time of separation, I find it therapeutic to partake in an activity that makes me feel connected to something greater than myself. Yoga reminds me to go with the flow and stop resisting. It encourages me to remain flexible both in body and mind. It asks me to let go.
At the end of my practice, when I lie in Savasana (or Dead Man's Pose) my closing prayer is always the same. I ask that life/God/the universe will use me, use my hands, use my heart to create good in this world. I utter two words that to me represent divine submission, "Use Me."
Could you consider ways to get heavy breathing into your life be it through yoga, jogging, hiking, etc.? A balanced body, mind, and spirit are interconnected and it is sometimes easier to gain access to that balance by getting the body moving.
“When One Door Closes . . .
343 Marbles
. . . Another one opens” – to which my friend Lisa P always adds, “But it sure is hell in the hallway.”
Breakups are a type of door-slamming and I feel like I'm stuck as hall monitor for 343 more days. Sure it would be easy to open one of those mystery doors that lead into another relationship. Some of those doors have peep holes and the rooms look like lots of fun, but let’s face it, I’m not ready to face someone else’s inevitable dirty closets quite yet. I’m still working on clearing out mine.
A new guy named Ben started at work recently. He reminds me of my older brother Louis whom I've adopted along the way (he has the same intense energy all bound up in a body of muscle), he makes me laugh (he's part of an improv troupe), and best of all, he's gay. Completely safe.
If you're suffering from post-breakup contraction, could you ask for people who will expand your life? Learn to recognize those people when they pass you in the hallway.
. . . Another one opens” – to which my friend Lisa P always adds, “But it sure is hell in the hallway.”
Breakups are a type of door-slamming and I feel like I'm stuck as hall monitor for 343 more days. Sure it would be easy to open one of those mystery doors that lead into another relationship. Some of those doors have peep holes and the rooms look like lots of fun, but let’s face it, I’m not ready to face someone else’s inevitable dirty closets quite yet. I’m still working on clearing out mine.
A new guy named Ben started at work recently. He reminds me of my older brother Louis whom I've adopted along the way (he has the same intense energy all bound up in a body of muscle), he makes me laugh (he's part of an improv troupe), and best of all, he's gay. Completely safe.
It’s funny how seemingly random connections are but,
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into
mine." I knew that we would be steadfast friends not only because he
makes my spirit feel lighter but because he told me his story and in it I
saw a kindred soul, another seeker who sees what is below the surface.
My new friend is completely sober and has been for almost two
years. He (like my adopted brother-friend) lost a sister and went into a
tailspin of depression. He started using drugs and
one night (after a manic episode where he walked around town with glass
in his shoes not bothering to care) he had a moment of clarity and
checked himself into rehab. He hasn’t used or imbibed a drop since.
I loved him from the moment he shared that story with me. He is a
fellow traveler, a metaphor boy. His story makes me ask myself, "What
shards of glass are cutting my feet as I walk along?" Maybe this year is
all about unpacking the fragments from my shoes so I can walk more
freely.
What I know about Ben is that he’s exactly the friend that I need right now - a court jester who creates lightness and joy in my life, a man to spend time with on a purely platonic basis. Suddenly the hallway doesn’t seem so hellish. As Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.” What I know for sure is that Ben has created an opening in my life. If you're suffering from post-breakup contraction, could you ask for people who will expand your life? Learn to recognize those people when they pass you in the hallway.
Gratitude
344 Marbles
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
William A. Ward
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
William A. Ward
When I’m angry, lonely, or filled with anxiety, the ladder I use to get out of my dark side is gratitude. It’s not that I don’t see that my situation is precarious, but there is always some form of grace that touches my day and makes me feel that all is well. For these things, I am grateful.
Today I am especially grateful for my kids and for all that they teach me. The younger ones still ask me to lie down with them when I tuck them in bed. Since Ex-man left, they fall asleep in the cocoon of my bed and I carry them up to their room when they’re fast asleep. Tonight, despite the draw I felt from all the unfinished household chores, I lay down with them and they helped me find my way back to my heart.
Source of gratitude for the day: finding my heart, even if it feels like a slightly dehydrated version of my heart.
Today, can you take some time to sit in the energy of gratitude for all that is working in your life? Even when the ex and the split and all the ensuing stories make you feel like something major is broken, there is always, always moments of grace that you can notice and appreciate.
Les Miserables
345 Marbles
If you’re not aware that what you put out
Is what you get back
That you make the world through the way you act
You can’t harness the awesome power of that fact
Ani DiFranco, "If Yr Not"
This weekend there was a convention in town and the restaurant where I work was very busy with interesting traveling scientists from around the globe. When I went for a run yesterday, I took some time to appreciate how enjoyable this weekend was at work and I asked for more of the same for my Friday (which is actually Monday). I wanted the same kind of flow, ease, and connection with my customers but as soon as I asked for it, I knew it wouldn't come in the way that I wanted it to.
As expected, the night was busy and I was running around like crazy. At one point I had an Austrian man (who reminded me of Einstein with his wild hair) turn back two different wines because they weren't dry enough. After humming and hawing, more than I had time to deal with, he decided on a beer. Problem solved. Behind him at the neighboring table there was a couple who were paying their bill. I brought the Visa machine to the table and left him to enter his codes. When I returned, it wasn't complete and he said, "I'm not touching that machine." I was a bit flustered and answered that this was the only machine we had to process his card. He responded again, "I'm not touching that machine." "Okay," I said, "Perhaps you'd like to pay cash?" He sighed, "I don't have cash." "All right then, if you want to pay with a card, this is the machine we use." "You're not listening to me, I'm not touching that machine." Hmmmm, I thought to myself, what am I not hearing? "Do you want me to press the buttons?" I asked. "Well I guess so," he responded, still disgruntled. So I pressed the buttons until his PIN code and I listened to his vitriolic tirade about having a nice meal and then having to work the cash register after it. I was way too busy to deal with this man.
After complaining to the manager about his ruined experience because of the Visa terminal, the man and his wife left (after she gave me the evil eye). The strange thing is that it had the opposite effect on me. It actually made my night. I was still super busy but I tapped into a well of joy and happiness that I don't go through life spreading such bad ju ju. I let them go not by returning their anger with anger, but with gratitude for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. I was incredibly happy not to be walking in their shoes, seeing the world through their lenses. Yikes!
My favorite yoga teacher, Seane Corn, says that often when you find ourselves engaged with people like this, they represent alienated parts of the self so I ask myself, "Where am I angry and stubborn?" I'll admit, I've been angry over this breakup and I've been stubbornly holding onto my shattered dream of a cohesive family unit. I know that this continues to make it difficult for me to let go and embrace my new life. So in the end, maybe there is a bit of the angry couple from Table 3 inside of me. Yikes!
Today, can you observe the energy you bring to the world? Becoming conscious of our energy is the first step in learning to be responsible for it.
If you’re not aware that what you put out
Is what you get back
That you make the world through the way you act
You can’t harness the awesome power of that fact
Ani DiFranco, "If Yr Not"
This weekend there was a convention in town and the restaurant where I work was very busy with interesting traveling scientists from around the globe. When I went for a run yesterday, I took some time to appreciate how enjoyable this weekend was at work and I asked for more of the same for my Friday (which is actually Monday). I wanted the same kind of flow, ease, and connection with my customers but as soon as I asked for it, I knew it wouldn't come in the way that I wanted it to.
As expected, the night was busy and I was running around like crazy. At one point I had an Austrian man (who reminded me of Einstein with his wild hair) turn back two different wines because they weren't dry enough. After humming and hawing, more than I had time to deal with, he decided on a beer. Problem solved. Behind him at the neighboring table there was a couple who were paying their bill. I brought the Visa machine to the table and left him to enter his codes. When I returned, it wasn't complete and he said, "I'm not touching that machine." I was a bit flustered and answered that this was the only machine we had to process his card. He responded again, "I'm not touching that machine." "Okay," I said, "Perhaps you'd like to pay cash?" He sighed, "I don't have cash." "All right then, if you want to pay with a card, this is the machine we use." "You're not listening to me, I'm not touching that machine." Hmmmm, I thought to myself, what am I not hearing? "Do you want me to press the buttons?" I asked. "Well I guess so," he responded, still disgruntled. So I pressed the buttons until his PIN code and I listened to his vitriolic tirade about having a nice meal and then having to work the cash register after it. I was way too busy to deal with this man.
After complaining to the manager about his ruined experience because of the Visa terminal, the man and his wife left (after she gave me the evil eye). The strange thing is that it had the opposite effect on me. It actually made my night. I was still super busy but I tapped into a well of joy and happiness that I don't go through life spreading such bad ju ju. I let them go not by returning their anger with anger, but with gratitude for reminding me not to sweat the small stuff. I was incredibly happy not to be walking in their shoes, seeing the world through their lenses. Yikes!
My favorite yoga teacher, Seane Corn, says that often when you find ourselves engaged with people like this, they represent alienated parts of the self so I ask myself, "Where am I angry and stubborn?" I'll admit, I've been angry over this breakup and I've been stubbornly holding onto my shattered dream of a cohesive family unit. I know that this continues to make it difficult for me to let go and embrace my new life. So in the end, maybe there is a bit of the angry couple from Table 3 inside of me. Yikes!
Today, can you observe the energy you bring to the world? Becoming conscious of our energy is the first step in learning to be responsible for it.
Scarcity Mentality
346 Marbles
I grew up in a family where there was always enough but somehow there was an underlying feeling of never having enough. I’m not sure how this happens, but here’s an example of how it works. When I was twelve, one of my sisters returned from living in Brazil. She had nothing and had to reestablish her life as a nurse while her sons were very young. My parents offered to give her the very modest furnishings that were in the rumpus room – aka basement. My other sister, who was still living at home, got very upset with this. When I asked why, she told me, “What will happen when we need to move out?” The thought hadn’t crossed my twelve-year-old brain, but she was so convincing. By the time I finished talking with her, I was in tears, tizzying over the empty apartment I was destined to have in my distant future. This is a prime example of how irrational scarcity mentality is.
My ex-husband’s family were the abundance type. Somehow the father went from a childhood of foraging for food in the hills behind his home in Greece to a establishing a successful life in Canada. There’s even a story how some cousins, who stayed with the family after their move from Greece, would take food and hide it in their rooms. When my ex’s father found the food he sat them down and told them, “You don’t need to do this. If we run out of food, we will go to the store to buy some more.” They put the food back in the kitchen for everyone to share.
I felt for the cousins. It’s difficult to put the trust abundance if you come from a long line of get-it-while-the-getting’s-good types. What I do know is that I didn’t have to worry about furniture when I moved out of home, nor did I when Ex-man moved out, though the furniture devil sounded in my head on a few occasions as I pictured my place without furniture -an old ghost rearing her nasty head. Maybe she’s the one who drew the line at those friggen’ lamps.
Consider where you are in the scarcity/abundance continuum. How real is scarcity in your life? Can you shake up old beliefs and start moving towards abundance? Appreciate all the areas in your life that have abundance already including the love of family and friends. See yourself letting go of your past relationship knowing that it will not be the last time love will be in your life.
I grew up in a family where there was always enough but somehow there was an underlying feeling of never having enough. I’m not sure how this happens, but here’s an example of how it works. When I was twelve, one of my sisters returned from living in Brazil. She had nothing and had to reestablish her life as a nurse while her sons were very young. My parents offered to give her the very modest furnishings that were in the rumpus room – aka basement. My other sister, who was still living at home, got very upset with this. When I asked why, she told me, “What will happen when we need to move out?” The thought hadn’t crossed my twelve-year-old brain, but she was so convincing. By the time I finished talking with her, I was in tears, tizzying over the empty apartment I was destined to have in my distant future. This is a prime example of how irrational scarcity mentality is.
My ex-husband’s family were the abundance type. Somehow the father went from a childhood of foraging for food in the hills behind his home in Greece to a establishing a successful life in Canada. There’s even a story how some cousins, who stayed with the family after their move from Greece, would take food and hide it in their rooms. When my ex’s father found the food he sat them down and told them, “You don’t need to do this. If we run out of food, we will go to the store to buy some more.” They put the food back in the kitchen for everyone to share.
I felt for the cousins. It’s difficult to put the trust abundance if you come from a long line of get-it-while-the-getting’s-good types. What I do know is that I didn’t have to worry about furniture when I moved out of home, nor did I when Ex-man moved out, though the furniture devil sounded in my head on a few occasions as I pictured my place without furniture -an old ghost rearing her nasty head. Maybe she’s the one who drew the line at those friggen’ lamps.
Consider where you are in the scarcity/abundance continuum. How real is scarcity in your life? Can you shake up old beliefs and start moving towards abundance? Appreciate all the areas in your life that have abundance already including the love of family and friends. See yourself letting go of your past relationship knowing that it will not be the last time love will be in your life.
Immunization against Bitterness
347 Marbles
Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost.
Terry Brooks
I was at a dinner last night when the hostess got into a bitter tirade about her lost dreams, misplaced optimism, the resentment of her unfulfilled life. As I looked out over the gorgeous view of the ocean from her large windows, I wondered, “How does this happen?” How is it that someone who travels, has healthy children, a beautiful home, and a loving mate can look at her life as unlived? More importantly, how do I immunize myself from this type of bitterness? From the dreams that I haven’t yet manifested for myself? The disappointments? The lost loves?
My immunization of choice is the AH vaccine: Appreciation and Hope. When I look at my life right now, I realize that I would have never expected to be in the position I’m in now. Given that, I can’t say that I'm in a bad place. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet after years of being in relationships and I’m learning to appreciate what I have: a job, healthy kids, my own health, a home to live in, and the chance to go back to school. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s a gap between where I thought I’d be and where I am, but I’m aware that bitterness is like a weed that creeps into the gap. Appreciation is the pesticide.
The other valuable tonic available to us mortals is hope. In the myth of Pandora’s box, the incorrigible Pandora is gifted a container and told not to open it. Being the curious sort, she could not follow orders (I feel for her) and she opened up the box unleashing all evils onto mankind. She realized her error and quickly closed the box. The one element remaining in her box was hope.
Hope is sometimes misunderstood and is often viewed as being passive - like you’re waiting around for something different to happen as in the “Waiting Place” of Dr. Suess’ “Oh the Places you’ll Go” where everyone is just...
"Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow."
But to me, hope is about opening to the possibility that things will change in the direction I’d view as positive and then taking the necessary steps in head in that direction. The I Ching states the only thing we know about life is that things will change. I’m open to those changes being the ones that I want. In the meantime I'll practice having the courage to dare to want something different and the diligence required to take the steps to manifest my dreams and desires.
The one thing I know after listening to my hostess, is that bitterness squelches life and steals joy. As Robert G. Menzies said, “It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness.”
Breakups are the perfect soil for bitterness to grow, especially if the split was not self-initiated. Can you avoid letting your hurt turn to bitterness and anger? Can you take stock of your life and appreciate what is good? Can you work towards letting go of what's not working and replacing it with something that suits you better?
FYI -I am here to say, from a time zone five years post breakup, it does get better.
Hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost.
Terry Brooks
I was at a dinner last night when the hostess got into a bitter tirade about her lost dreams, misplaced optimism, the resentment of her unfulfilled life. As I looked out over the gorgeous view of the ocean from her large windows, I wondered, “How does this happen?” How is it that someone who travels, has healthy children, a beautiful home, and a loving mate can look at her life as unlived? More importantly, how do I immunize myself from this type of bitterness? From the dreams that I haven’t yet manifested for myself? The disappointments? The lost loves?
My immunization of choice is the AH vaccine: Appreciation and Hope. When I look at my life right now, I realize that I would have never expected to be in the position I’m in now. Given that, I can’t say that I'm in a bad place. I’m learning to stand on my own two feet after years of being in relationships and I’m learning to appreciate what I have: a job, healthy kids, my own health, a home to live in, and the chance to go back to school. I’m not blind to the fact that there’s a gap between where I thought I’d be and where I am, but I’m aware that bitterness is like a weed that creeps into the gap. Appreciation is the pesticide.
The other valuable tonic available to us mortals is hope. In the myth of Pandora’s box, the incorrigible Pandora is gifted a container and told not to open it. Being the curious sort, she could not follow orders (I feel for her) and she opened up the box unleashing all evils onto mankind. She realized her error and quickly closed the box. The one element remaining in her box was hope.
Hope is sometimes misunderstood and is often viewed as being passive - like you’re waiting around for something different to happen as in the “Waiting Place” of Dr. Suess’ “Oh the Places you’ll Go” where everyone is just...
"Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow."
But to me, hope is about opening to the possibility that things will change in the direction I’d view as positive and then taking the necessary steps in head in that direction. The I Ching states the only thing we know about life is that things will change. I’m open to those changes being the ones that I want. In the meantime I'll practice having the courage to dare to want something different and the diligence required to take the steps to manifest my dreams and desires.
The one thing I know after listening to my hostess, is that bitterness squelches life and steals joy. As Robert G. Menzies said, “It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness.”
Breakups are the perfect soil for bitterness to grow, especially if the split was not self-initiated. Can you avoid letting your hurt turn to bitterness and anger? Can you take stock of your life and appreciate what is good? Can you work towards letting go of what's not working and replacing it with something that suits you better?
FYI -I am here to say, from a time zone five years post breakup, it does get better.
I Am Well
348 Marbles
"What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well."
Antoine de Saint Exupéry, "The Little Prince"
Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.
Eckhart Tolle
When anyone asks me how I’m doing, I’ve adopted the response, “I am well,” because even if I’m having trouble making ends meet, and even if I have an exam or a deadline looming, and even if the kids and I are having adjustment difficulties and even if my mother didn’t recognize me during my last visit – I am well. "What makes the desert beautiful," says the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well."
Antoine de Saint Exupéry, "The Little Prince"
Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.
Eckhart Tolle
Everyone knows those people that dump a load of their maladies when innocently asked, "How’s it going?" It never feels great on the receiving end of theses offloads. I do have a network of friends that get the updates on current developments but it’s in the spirit of working through a problem, brainstorming solutions, not simply easing my load.
So am I lying to myself and to others when I respond “I am well” when sometimes the visible indicators point to the contrary? No. I am well. Literally. I am a well. It’s become my mantra because no matter how scorched or parched or overexposed I feel, no matter how weak or close to extinguished I feel, I know I can dig deep into my being, deep into my personal well, and come up with the cooling, quenching strength that allows me to go on. I am a well. The more I say it, the more I believe it. I am well. The more I say it, the more it is true. I am well.
And then there are those moments when I can naturally tap into a deep sense of peace and joy - the me that is underneath the drama of this breakup - the calm me that is underneath the rough surface waves of the storm. It doesn't happen often, but when it does there is a deep knowing that I am well.
Dig deep and tap into your personal well. You are stronger than you will ever need to be.
*ucking Plucking
349 Marbles
When Ex-man and I exchange the kids, he's been coming in and requesting various items that he needs for his new home. Now he needs the lamps. Technically, they’re “his” really – he chose them when we were together, and bought them. But I like the lamps – they are the ones I leave on so the kids can find their way to me at night. I can’t let the lamps go. Yet.
Part of me knows I should give him the lamps but I’m not there yet. I feel like I’ve lost too much lately.
They are my line in the sand.
I have looked at other lamps to replace them, after all, they are just "things" and things can be replaced, but I’ve become a bit entrenched and I can’t recede them to him. Yet.
I find it odd that Ex-man explains his foraging missions into my home like this, “I need to pluck a few things.” The diction is perfect, especially for him. There are a couple things that come to mind with that word – my grandma used to pluck the feathers off her chickens, I pluck my eyebrows – in both cases it’s the rapid removal of something that is attached. In both cases there is pain.
In this breakup, the pain doesn’t come from the material things that get plucked apart. What the material things represent is all the under the surface plucking. Consider two plants that have grown together for twelve years – roots have entwined – wee offshoot plants have sprouted. It takes a tender hand to separate the roots and transplant them without sending the plants into shock.
The good news is that the other definition of pluck is courage, and I know that despite the plant shock I may be experiencing internally, I have the pluck to reestablish my roots and to thrive.
Consider your joint material possessions. What are you willing to let go of? What do you need to hold on to?
Can you be okay with letting go?
Can you be okay with holding on?
When Ex-man and I exchange the kids, he's been coming in and requesting various items that he needs for his new home. Now he needs the lamps. Technically, they’re “his” really – he chose them when we were together, and bought them. But I like the lamps – they are the ones I leave on so the kids can find their way to me at night. I can’t let the lamps go. Yet.
Part of me knows I should give him the lamps but I’m not there yet. I feel like I’ve lost too much lately.
They are my line in the sand.
I have looked at other lamps to replace them, after all, they are just "things" and things can be replaced, but I’ve become a bit entrenched and I can’t recede them to him. Yet.
I find it odd that Ex-man explains his foraging missions into my home like this, “I need to pluck a few things.” The diction is perfect, especially for him. There are a couple things that come to mind with that word – my grandma used to pluck the feathers off her chickens, I pluck my eyebrows – in both cases it’s the rapid removal of something that is attached. In both cases there is pain.
In this breakup, the pain doesn’t come from the material things that get plucked apart. What the material things represent is all the under the surface plucking. Consider two plants that have grown together for twelve years – roots have entwined – wee offshoot plants have sprouted. It takes a tender hand to separate the roots and transplant them without sending the plants into shock.
The good news is that the other definition of pluck is courage, and I know that despite the plant shock I may be experiencing internally, I have the pluck to reestablish my roots and to thrive.
Consider your joint material possessions. What are you willing to let go of? What do you need to hold on to?
Can you be okay with letting go?
Can you be okay with holding on?
Playground Pickup
350 Marbles
Since the breakup, I’ve been finding it challenging to negotiate the after school pickup of my kids. Luckily it’s been raining a lot so I’ve been able to do a quick pickup and then head for the solace of home. (I don't know how celebrities handle breakups with the paparazzi and the media hounding them.)
Yesterday, however, it was bright and sunny and my daughter wanted to play in the playground. I said okay, but I felt overexposed on the asphalt of the schoolyard, kind of like how a worm must feel after emerging from the dark, cool earth. I felt squirmy and raw in the sunshine, making small talk with the other parents.
I’ve felt so much judgment over the past few weeks. Other parents know Ex-man and I have broken up. I am awkward. I feel a bit like I failed, again. The other parents seem awkward although it may be my own projection. Their eyes avert from mine.
I waited as long as I could on the asphalt and then said to my daughter, “Let’s go.”
“No,” she replied, “We never get to play after school.”
“I know,” I said. The kids were stir crazy. “You play. I’ll wait in the car.”
Even the car had too many windows.
When the kids finally came to the car, I tried to explain, “I can’t stay long after school right now.”
My little guru son replied, “I know, because you’re sad.”
“Yes,” I answered.
Last night as I lay in bed, I said a quiet prayer to God, the universe, or to anyone else who was listening, “I need kindness in the playground. I don’t need sympathy, I just need kindness.”
This morning I was relieved that it was raining again. When I dropped my son off at his classroom, a woman whom I’ve seen around for months started talking to me. I felt the warmth of a thousand sunbeams melt the fear, judgment, and isolation around my heart. At the end or our conversation she asked, “What’s your name?”
“Lisa, “ I replied.
“Mine’s Faith,” she stated.
Faith. I smiled.
And it’s as easy as that.
Today, have faith that things will get better. I send you sunbeam smiles :)))))
Since the breakup, I’ve been finding it challenging to negotiate the after school pickup of my kids. Luckily it’s been raining a lot so I’ve been able to do a quick pickup and then head for the solace of home. (I don't know how celebrities handle breakups with the paparazzi and the media hounding them.)
Yesterday, however, it was bright and sunny and my daughter wanted to play in the playground. I said okay, but I felt overexposed on the asphalt of the schoolyard, kind of like how a worm must feel after emerging from the dark, cool earth. I felt squirmy and raw in the sunshine, making small talk with the other parents.
I’ve felt so much judgment over the past few weeks. Other parents know Ex-man and I have broken up. I am awkward. I feel a bit like I failed, again. The other parents seem awkward although it may be my own projection. Their eyes avert from mine.
I waited as long as I could on the asphalt and then said to my daughter, “Let’s go.”
“No,” she replied, “We never get to play after school.”
“I know,” I said. The kids were stir crazy. “You play. I’ll wait in the car.”
Even the car had too many windows.
When the kids finally came to the car, I tried to explain, “I can’t stay long after school right now.”
My little guru son replied, “I know, because you’re sad.”
“Yes,” I answered.
Last night as I lay in bed, I said a quiet prayer to God, the universe, or to anyone else who was listening, “I need kindness in the playground. I don’t need sympathy, I just need kindness.”
This morning I was relieved that it was raining again. When I dropped my son off at his classroom, a woman whom I’ve seen around for months started talking to me. I felt the warmth of a thousand sunbeams melt the fear, judgment, and isolation around my heart. At the end or our conversation she asked, “What’s your name?”
“Lisa, “ I replied.
“Mine’s Faith,” she stated.
Faith. I smiled.
And it’s as easy as that.
Today, have faith that things will get better. I send you sunbeam smiles :)))))
To Have and to Hold
351 Marbles
My mother lives in a senior’s home. She has dementia that affects her ability to communicate. She is also in a wheelchair so she is not very mobile, especially now when the winter weather prevents a stroll outside. With all these factors at play, I was left with the question – how do I maintain connection with her during our visits? My answer – the manicure.
For months, I’ve been manicuring her fingernails. She was never a woman that went for manicures but now they’re coming to her. I know it’s frivolous, but it’s a way to show her care, touch her and give her a nice hand massage. It lets her know that she matters to me.
Today when I took the kids for a visit she asked, “Where’s – where’s, you’re – husband?” I had decided not to tell her about Ex-man and me splitting up. I'm usually a pretty honest person but honestly, why worry her 80+ head? “He’s at work, “ I answered. She asked again, “Where’s - your – husband?“ “He’s at work,” I told her. She turned to the kids, “Where’s, where’s your __? “ but she couldn’t find the word for Dad. She was frustrated. I continued preening her.
She grabbed my hand and said, as clear as day, “You promised to have and to hold.” Hmmmm, a Catholic guilt-punch right in the stomach, and one that radiated on many levels: Firstly, what’s with the sudden breakthrough of language? I’ve spent months with her, trying to piece together indiscernible fragments of words. Secondly, Ex-man and I never really promised to have and to hold per se – we were common law. Thirdly, sure she never divorced my dad physically, but there’s such a thing as emotional divorce, so who is she to talk? And lastly, how the heck did she know? I know my sisters didn’t tell her. There is only one who would have spilled the beans and I made her promise not to mention it.
The Tibetan Buddhists believe that when a baby is born, they are still largely part of the spiritual realm. Slowly the baby grounds onto this physical realm and into the body. By the time they acquire language, they have completely crossed over into our reality of the five senses. Perhaps with the process of dying, the senses are gradually relinquished but access to the other realm of knowledge (aka the collective unconscious) is heightened. Maybe my Mom is experiencing crossing back over which could explain her mondo case of mother’s intuition.
So, back to her question or statement: To have and to hold, from this day forward, till death do us part. Yep, not a strong suit of mine. I first got married when I was twenty-one, when I hadn’t even learned to have and to hold myself, or who myself was. So here’s my goal – I promise to have and to hold myself from this day forward, until death and beyond.
Can you make a promise to yourself to take the time needed to learn what it means to have and to hold yourself?
Valentine’s Day
352 Marbles
A lovers' festival – not great timing two weeks after a breakup, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have love all around me. I make heart-shaped waffles for breakfast and treats for my kids to take to school (actually I cheat and buy the brownies and decorate them with icing and hearts). I’m making a special dinner of all the kids' favorites to let them know how much they matter to me.
My youngest son and his two friends took some free time at school today and wrote love poems that their teacher shared with me. My son’s goes:
hearts bloom in the rain. I mite put min in a frame
love is strong it can lift a truck makes you brave
sometimes love can make you look like a compleyt idiot
when your in love you feel out of balens
love is like a rainbowe over your head
love is a great feeling [sic]
His amazing poem inspired me to write a mnemonic poem about all the things I love about myself:
Lovely, intelligent,survivor,athletic
Tenacious, heart-filled,energetic, resourceful, effectual, soulful, enigmatic
Optimistic, loyal, intrepid, vibrant, infectious (in a good way), effervescent, rapturous
(Geez, I have a lot of "E's" in my name)
Song of the day: Love is All Around - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
I realize that not everyone will read this on Valentine’s Day, but every day should be devoted to love so take some time to appreciate love, even if it’s just the lick from a puppy. Write yourself a mnemonic poem about all the great things about the love of your life - YOU. This is about appreciating yourself.
Love yourself.
Love others.
A lovers' festival – not great timing two weeks after a breakup, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have love all around me. I make heart-shaped waffles for breakfast and treats for my kids to take to school (actually I cheat and buy the brownies and decorate them with icing and hearts). I’m making a special dinner of all the kids' favorites to let them know how much they matter to me.
My youngest son and his two friends took some free time at school today and wrote love poems that their teacher shared with me. My son’s goes:
hearts bloom in the rain. I mite put min in a frame
love is strong it can lift a truck makes you brave
sometimes love can make you look like a compleyt idiot
when your in love you feel out of balens
love is like a rainbowe over your head
love is a great feeling [sic]
His amazing poem inspired me to write a mnemonic poem about all the things I love about myself:
Lovely, intelligent,survivor,athletic
Tenacious, heart-filled,energetic, resourceful, effectual, soulful, enigmatic
Optimistic, loyal, intrepid, vibrant, infectious (in a good way), effervescent, rapturous
(Geez, I have a lot of "E's" in my name)
Song of the day: Love is All Around - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
I realize that not everyone will read this on Valentine’s Day, but every day should be devoted to love so take some time to appreciate love, even if it’s just the lick from a puppy. Write yourself a mnemonic poem about all the great things about the love of your life - YOU. This is about appreciating yourself.
Love yourself.
Love others.
Jigsaw Puzzles
353 Marbles
My daughter and I are doing a lot of jigsaw puzzles before bed these days. We like it – we’re spending quality time together working toward a common goal and it's non-competitive (unlike board games). For me, it’s become a bit of a meditation similar to the Buddhist sand mandalas. Like the mandalas, the puzzles take days to complete and they are destroyed at the end as a lesson in impermanence (as if we need another lesson on impermanence after a breakup).
Our meditation starts with a box of loose puzzle pieces – 500 of them usually. Initially, it’s a bit overwhelming, but we’ve developed a bit of a system:
1. Flip over all the pieces
2. Pick out the edge pieces
3. Frame the puzzle
4. Work on the inside, piece by piece, until we reach our goal – a complete picture of the whole
Jigsaws get me thinking about relationships and our search for "the perfect fit." Sometimes when I’m fitting a jigsaw piece, it will seem to fit perfectly but when we near completion it becomes apparent that something’s amiss. We’ll examine the puzzle and find the misfitted piece that has thrown off the whole puzzle. What seemed like the perfect fit, in time turned out not to be. Hmmm, sounds familiar.
In real life, we’re all a bit like puzzle pieces. In a relationship, we hook up with another piece. Initially the fit may work but when we grow, the edges morph. In the successful relationship, the edges between the two pieces shift through growth without compromising the fit. When the edges remain too rigid, the fit no longer works and the pieces fall apart.
There’s nothing sexy about doing jigsaws. It’s not like you’d put “jigsaw puzzles” as an interest on a dating website, unless you’re in the Senior’s category. But maybe the Seniors are onto something. There’s something soothing about starting with an amorphous mess and systematically and intuitively creating a complete whole. It’s the theme of my life right now - creating a whole out of all the pieces.
A strange thing has happened both times my daughter and I completed a puzzle. With her younger brother playing around us, one piece inevitably goes missing. My daughter says, “The missing piece is my Dad.”
Can you find a hobby/artistic outlet that satisfies an urge to create something whole out of pieces? Consider building, mosaic work, sewing, even jigsaws. It is soothing to work in the physical realm with what you are navigating through in the emotional and spiritual realms.
Love is like a puzzle. When you're in love, all the pieces fit but when your heart gets broken,
it takes a while to get everything back together.
UnknownOur meditation starts with a box of loose puzzle pieces – 500 of them usually. Initially, it’s a bit overwhelming, but we’ve developed a bit of a system:
1. Flip over all the pieces
2. Pick out the edge pieces
3. Frame the puzzle
4. Work on the inside, piece by piece, until we reach our goal – a complete picture of the whole
Jigsaws get me thinking about relationships and our search for "the perfect fit." Sometimes when I’m fitting a jigsaw piece, it will seem to fit perfectly but when we near completion it becomes apparent that something’s amiss. We’ll examine the puzzle and find the misfitted piece that has thrown off the whole puzzle. What seemed like the perfect fit, in time turned out not to be. Hmmm, sounds familiar.
In real life, we’re all a bit like puzzle pieces. In a relationship, we hook up with another piece. Initially the fit may work but when we grow, the edges morph. In the successful relationship, the edges between the two pieces shift through growth without compromising the fit. When the edges remain too rigid, the fit no longer works and the pieces fall apart.
There’s nothing sexy about doing jigsaws. It’s not like you’d put “jigsaw puzzles” as an interest on a dating website, unless you’re in the Senior’s category. But maybe the Seniors are onto something. There’s something soothing about starting with an amorphous mess and systematically and intuitively creating a complete whole. It’s the theme of my life right now - creating a whole out of all the pieces.
A strange thing has happened both times my daughter and I completed a puzzle. With her younger brother playing around us, one piece inevitably goes missing. My daughter says, “The missing piece is my Dad.”
Can you find a hobby/artistic outlet that satisfies an urge to create something whole out of pieces? Consider building, mosaic work, sewing, even jigsaws. It is soothing to work in the physical realm with what you are navigating through in the emotional and spiritual realms.
Kitchen Cleanup
354 Marbles
Today my lovely Swiss-German-Post-it-toting friend, Lisa P. came to help me change my kitchen around. It wasn’t functional and she was just the woman to set it right. She came in with fresh eyes and the ability to see what wasn’t working.
We moved the fridge. This gave us more space to open the side cupboard without having to move the table - something that has always bothered me. Then we took everything out of the cupboards. The kitchen looked like a disaster area, like a group of my son’s teenage friends had lived in it for a week without parents. We wiped the cupboards and decided what to put back in, what to trash.
It feels like this whole year has been one big mess of upheaval and change. but you have to make a mess before you can clean up, and it’s clean up time. It’s about taking everything out of my internal cupboards and deciding what is serving me and what isn’t. It’s about making conscious choices about what I need to keep and what I need to purge. It’s about allowing myself the discomfort of the mess in order to create my new space.
Lisa P also brought me something – a cutting from her prolific rubber plant that she recently pruned. I put it in a vase on my kitchen sill. I like looking at the pruned limb thriving in its glass of water after its own amputation. It makes me smile.
Cleaning can be a drag but it can also be a meditation - the opportunity to move out of the old, and make space for the new. The movement of energy that was stagnant. Look around you and see if there are areas in your home that have stagnated. Decide what to do about them. Plant something green that will grow.
Today my lovely Swiss-German-Post-it-toting friend, Lisa P. came to help me change my kitchen around. It wasn’t functional and she was just the woman to set it right. She came in with fresh eyes and the ability to see what wasn’t working.
We moved the fridge. This gave us more space to open the side cupboard without having to move the table - something that has always bothered me. Then we took everything out of the cupboards. The kitchen looked like a disaster area, like a group of my son’s teenage friends had lived in it for a week without parents. We wiped the cupboards and decided what to put back in, what to trash.
It feels like this whole year has been one big mess of upheaval and change. but you have to make a mess before you can clean up, and it’s clean up time. It’s about taking everything out of my internal cupboards and deciding what is serving me and what isn’t. It’s about making conscious choices about what I need to keep and what I need to purge. It’s about allowing myself the discomfort of the mess in order to create my new space.
Lisa P also brought me something – a cutting from her prolific rubber plant that she recently pruned. I put it in a vase on my kitchen sill. I like looking at the pruned limb thriving in its glass of water after its own amputation. It makes me smile.
Cleaning can be a drag but it can also be a meditation - the opportunity to move out of the old, and make space for the new. The movement of energy that was stagnant. Look around you and see if there are areas in your home that have stagnated. Decide what to do about them. Plant something green that will grow.
Being of Two Minds
355 Marbles
It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
Sally Kempton
It’s my 3:00 am mind that causes me the most distress ( as F. Scott Fitzgerald noted, "In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning). Especially right before Ex-man moved out, I would wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to fall back to sleep. Thankfully, my naturopath prescribed a nerve tonic that I refer to as my herbal Valium - one shot and I’m out like a light. She also told me an old Chinese hydrotherapy to quiet the mind. Before bed, I soak my feet and calves in hot water. This is meant to draw the blood from the brain and lead to a relaxing sleep. Not sure if it’s a placebo, but it seems to work.
Here’s the rub – I am now one hundred percent responsible for my two minds. It was convenient that in my last relationship I unwittingly delegated the job of voicing a negative mind to my partner. Ex-man was the proponent of “Plan B.” “He” didn’t like the idea of me putting all my eggs in one basket. “He” wasn’t sure about me following my dreams. Now he is gone from my space, and what I’ve noticed is that I have these two minds myself. I’m left wondering if I should have a Plan B or if I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. Sometimes I drive off course and let my mind enter the “dark side” before I become conscious and steer back on track. Yoda would say, “You’re not a Jedi yet.”
In my parent’s relationship, I often witnessed moments when my father would berate my mother verbally. I used to ask her why she put up with it? But then I noticed something curious - even in moments when my father was absent, if she would make the smallest mistake she would say to herself, “Stupid woman.” I wondered, was this the echo of my father talking through her or was it something that she truly believed about herself? It’s hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg but I do know this, if you have a positive self image, you’re not going to stay hooked into someone who has a negative image of you. You’re going to leave.
I remember listening to a story about a woman who was physically abused in her marriage. She stayed with her husband and the abuse became worse until the husband started getting their two sons to record the abuse on videotape. She eventually left him and went on to create a more positive life for herself and her two sons. One of the residuals of this relationship was that she could not seem to shake her ex-husband’s negative voice in her head, calling her names, telling her how useless she was. Was this his voice or was it something she feared about herself even before they got together? I am not trying to place blame on the victim here, but if we acknowledge that we stay hooked in negative situations because of less than healthy self images, it might allow us to unhook from the external mirror and do the internal work needed to make better choices. This realization can be emancipating because the one thing you can change is yourself.
Is there any negativity that you are carrying from your past relationship? Does “the enemy” have outposts in your head? If so, is it time to take responsibility for the negative voices and start replacing them with more positive ones? Sometimes a good therapist can be helpful here.
It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
Sally Kempton
It’s my 3:00 am mind that causes me the most distress ( as F. Scott Fitzgerald noted, "In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning). Especially right before Ex-man moved out, I would wake up in the middle of the night and be unable to fall back to sleep. Thankfully, my naturopath prescribed a nerve tonic that I refer to as my herbal Valium - one shot and I’m out like a light. She also told me an old Chinese hydrotherapy to quiet the mind. Before bed, I soak my feet and calves in hot water. This is meant to draw the blood from the brain and lead to a relaxing sleep. Not sure if it’s a placebo, but it seems to work.
Here’s the rub – I am now one hundred percent responsible for my two minds. It was convenient that in my last relationship I unwittingly delegated the job of voicing a negative mind to my partner. Ex-man was the proponent of “Plan B.” “He” didn’t like the idea of me putting all my eggs in one basket. “He” wasn’t sure about me following my dreams. Now he is gone from my space, and what I’ve noticed is that I have these two minds myself. I’m left wondering if I should have a Plan B or if I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. Sometimes I drive off course and let my mind enter the “dark side” before I become conscious and steer back on track. Yoda would say, “You’re not a Jedi yet.”
In my parent’s relationship, I often witnessed moments when my father would berate my mother verbally. I used to ask her why she put up with it? But then I noticed something curious - even in moments when my father was absent, if she would make the smallest mistake she would say to herself, “Stupid woman.” I wondered, was this the echo of my father talking through her or was it something that she truly believed about herself? It’s hard to know which came first, the chicken or the egg but I do know this, if you have a positive self image, you’re not going to stay hooked into someone who has a negative image of you. You’re going to leave.
I remember listening to a story about a woman who was physically abused in her marriage. She stayed with her husband and the abuse became worse until the husband started getting their two sons to record the abuse on videotape. She eventually left him and went on to create a more positive life for herself and her two sons. One of the residuals of this relationship was that she could not seem to shake her ex-husband’s negative voice in her head, calling her names, telling her how useless she was. Was this his voice or was it something she feared about herself even before they got together? I am not trying to place blame on the victim here, but if we acknowledge that we stay hooked in negative situations because of less than healthy self images, it might allow us to unhook from the external mirror and do the internal work needed to make better choices. This realization can be emancipating because the one thing you can change is yourself.
Is there any negativity that you are carrying from your past relationship? Does “the enemy” have outposts in your head? If so, is it time to take responsibility for the negative voices and start replacing them with more positive ones? Sometimes a good therapist can be helpful here.
Horrorscopes
356 Marbles
Horoscopes are like a cosmic pep talk. It’s not even that I logically believe that a twelfth of the Earth’s population could be experiencing the same occurrences, but I do appreciate the fact that they’re generally positive. I’m also open to the idea that inspiration can come in myriad forms - fortune cookies, lucky pennies on the sidewalk, horoscopes, a good minister, as well as the obvious - intuition.
There are three weekly publications that I grab for horoscopes and I always find at least one of the Pisces entries that I like. My buffet of horoscopes includes - Rob Brezny http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/; Rose Marcus (http://www.straight.com/content/lifestyle/astrology, and Tim Stephens http://www.astralreflections.com/index.html. In addition I check Susan Miller’s monthly forecast http://astrologyzone.com/ and the shaman website http://www.thepowerpath.com/. I admit that this practice makes me a certifiable flake, but it is a nice thought that when navigating the tides of life you can sometimes orient by looking to the stars. I don’t take what I find and let it rule my actions but I do check in to see if there is anything that resonates with me.
The general theme in my horoscopes lately is that I’m on the right track even if the road seems bumpy and treacherous. Lots of death cycle stuff (no kidding). I can’t wait until Spring!
Stay open to the ways that spirit talks in your life. Play with the idea that there are no accidents - that everything, including your breakup, is part of the cosmic plan. As the poet Hafiz wrote, "The place where you are right now, God circled on the map for you."
Horoscopes are like a cosmic pep talk. It’s not even that I logically believe that a twelfth of the Earth’s population could be experiencing the same occurrences, but I do appreciate the fact that they’re generally positive. I’m also open to the idea that inspiration can come in myriad forms - fortune cookies, lucky pennies on the sidewalk, horoscopes, a good minister, as well as the obvious - intuition.
There are three weekly publications that I grab for horoscopes and I always find at least one of the Pisces entries that I like. My buffet of horoscopes includes - Rob Brezny http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/; Rose Marcus (http://www.straight.com/content/lifestyle/astrology, and Tim Stephens http://www.astralreflections.com/index.html. In addition I check Susan Miller’s monthly forecast http://astrologyzone.com/ and the shaman website http://www.thepowerpath.com/. I admit that this practice makes me a certifiable flake, but it is a nice thought that when navigating the tides of life you can sometimes orient by looking to the stars. I don’t take what I find and let it rule my actions but I do check in to see if there is anything that resonates with me.
The general theme in my horoscopes lately is that I’m on the right track even if the road seems bumpy and treacherous. Lots of death cycle stuff (no kidding). I can’t wait until Spring!
Stay open to the ways that spirit talks in your life. Play with the idea that there are no accidents - that everything, including your breakup, is part of the cosmic plan. As the poet Hafiz wrote, "The place where you are right now, God circled on the map for you."
Eye Contact
357 Marbles
Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs;)
Miss Piggy
My daughter broke down in tears today. I enveloped her body and we rocked in the chair. She cried, “You and daddy act like strangers. You don’t even make eye contact anymore.”
My chest constricted. I soothed her and tried to explain how sometimes there’s too much hurt in eyes. I told her that it wouldn’t always be like this. It is like a cut that has to heal and until it does, it hurts to look into her Daddy’s eyes.
How can I tell her that looking into his eyes reminds me of all our good intentions gone awry, all our dreams that weren’t realized. Our eyes have flashed with love and even hate at times. When I see his green eyes, I remember our eyes locking when our babies were conceived at times of deep love and commitment (yep, we always knew).
Right now it hurts to look into his eyes, but it hurts our daughter more for me not to. I promised her, “I will try to look in your Daddy’s eyes.”
If you have children, remember that they see all and sense even more. What messages are you both wittingly and unconsciously giving them about your ex? If they are your joint children, how does this affect the way they view themselves?
Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs;)
Miss Piggy
My daughter broke down in tears today. I enveloped her body and we rocked in the chair. She cried, “You and daddy act like strangers. You don’t even make eye contact anymore.”
My chest constricted. I soothed her and tried to explain how sometimes there’s too much hurt in eyes. I told her that it wouldn’t always be like this. It is like a cut that has to heal and until it does, it hurts to look into her Daddy’s eyes.
How can I tell her that looking into his eyes reminds me of all our good intentions gone awry, all our dreams that weren’t realized. Our eyes have flashed with love and even hate at times. When I see his green eyes, I remember our eyes locking when our babies were conceived at times of deep love and commitment (yep, we always knew).
Right now it hurts to look into his eyes, but it hurts our daughter more for me not to. I promised her, “I will try to look in your Daddy’s eyes.”
If you have children, remember that they see all and sense even more. What messages are you both wittingly and unconsciously giving them about your ex? If they are your joint children, how does this affect the way they view themselves?
The Love of Good Friends
358 Marbles
Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.
Jane Austen
“Let me know if there is anything I can do to help,” is a common phrase from friends during a breakup. My general reaction is to smile, say thanks, and quickly dismiss any request that would make me feel more vulnerable than I already do. I prefer to lick my wounds in private, hoping my status as an amputee isn’t too obvious to the general public.
Today, I tried a different approach. When my friend Melissa asked me if she could help, I asked her to give me a weekly connection call, to prevent me from feeling isolated. It’s not a therapy call, but a check-in to see how I’m keeping up with school and my writing goals. I’ve also scheduled my Swiss-German friend, Lisa P, to help me revision and organize my kitchen – she’s really good at these things. I’m trying to soothe my independent self into the realization that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I’m not completely sure that this is true, but stay tuned . . .
Are you too afraid to ask friends/family for help even when they offer? Does it feel that they won’t be able to fill the void that, at the moment, feels somewhat bottomless? Decide if there are things with which you are comfortable receiving help.
On the flip side, do you lean on others too much? Is it time to strengthen the muscles in your own two legs?
It’s no one's job to save you but friends and family can be great cheering squads when you’re trying to make it to the shore after a breakup. Find the balance between independence and interdependence.
Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.
Jane Austen
“Let me know if there is anything I can do to help,” is a common phrase from friends during a breakup. My general reaction is to smile, say thanks, and quickly dismiss any request that would make me feel more vulnerable than I already do. I prefer to lick my wounds in private, hoping my status as an amputee isn’t too obvious to the general public.
Today, I tried a different approach. When my friend Melissa asked me if she could help, I asked her to give me a weekly connection call, to prevent me from feeling isolated. It’s not a therapy call, but a check-in to see how I’m keeping up with school and my writing goals. I’ve also scheduled my Swiss-German friend, Lisa P, to help me revision and organize my kitchen – she’s really good at these things. I’m trying to soothe my independent self into the realization that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I’m not completely sure that this is true, but stay tuned . . .
Are you too afraid to ask friends/family for help even when they offer? Does it feel that they won’t be able to fill the void that, at the moment, feels somewhat bottomless? Decide if there are things with which you are comfortable receiving help.
On the flip side, do you lean on others too much? Is it time to strengthen the muscles in your own two legs?
It’s no one's job to save you but friends and family can be great cheering squads when you’re trying to make it to the shore after a breakup. Find the balance between independence and interdependence.
Being Thrifty with Time
359 Marbles
My niece recently broke up with her husband. Although it’s lousy that someone who I love is going through a breakup as well, more selfishly, it is a bit of emotional support. She recently phoned me after a particularly challenging call with her ex. My advice to her: “Be as thrifty with your time as you have to be with your money. You treat your time like it has no value when you should be treating it like it’s the most valuable commodity you have.” (So easy to see these traits in others.)
Today, I applied my own advice when talking with Ex-man on the phone. In a conversation that was headed towards a confrontation, I imagined time slipping away. At first it didn’t work, so I thought of money slipping away. I realized quickly that I’m spending precious time. “I’m sorry. I have to be thrifty with my time so maybe we could talk later.” I think he thought I was a bit whacked but it got us out of a conversation that was headed into an argument (yep, after 12 years I know the tell-tale signs.)
Song of the day: “Precious Time” by Van Morrison.
Notice if there are times when you’re engaging in conflict with your ex. Can you sit with the discomfort of not being connected to the person whom you once loved? Ask yourself if the arguing is a method to stay connected. Whether it is or it isn’t, experiment with ways to avoid conflict especially if you are still connected by shared children.
My niece recently broke up with her husband. Although it’s lousy that someone who I love is going through a breakup as well, more selfishly, it is a bit of emotional support. She recently phoned me after a particularly challenging call with her ex. My advice to her: “Be as thrifty with your time as you have to be with your money. You treat your time like it has no value when you should be treating it like it’s the most valuable commodity you have.” (So easy to see these traits in others.)
Today, I applied my own advice when talking with Ex-man on the phone. In a conversation that was headed towards a confrontation, I imagined time slipping away. At first it didn’t work, so I thought of money slipping away. I realized quickly that I’m spending precious time. “I’m sorry. I have to be thrifty with my time so maybe we could talk later.” I think he thought I was a bit whacked but it got us out of a conversation that was headed into an argument (yep, after 12 years I know the tell-tale signs.)
Song of the day: “Precious Time” by Van Morrison.
Notice if there are times when you’re engaging in conflict with your ex. Can you sit with the discomfort of not being connected to the person whom you once loved? Ask yourself if the arguing is a method to stay connected. Whether it is or it isn’t, experiment with ways to avoid conflict especially if you are still connected by shared children.
Songchronicity
360 Marbles
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.
Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose"
Why is it that after a split there seems to be more breakup songs on the radio? I call this phenomenon “songchronicity” or the seeming connection of my life with causally unrelated random songs (otherwise known as the Cosmic DJ Phenomenon).
If I were to leave it to the radio, I’d be at the mercy of hearing breakup songs at the most inappropriate times, like when I’m driving into work. It’s not that a good cry isn’t valuable in the process of letting go, but not in the car, and not when I have to have my game-face ready for work.
Then there are those not-so-random songs associated with my past relationship: songs that Ex-man and I have danced to and loved to. It makes me sad when I listen to these songs, especially “Power of Two” by the Indigo Girls. To make matters worse for me, Ex-man is a gifted piano player and songwriter who wrote several songs for me over our years together including the one he wrote for my eighteenth birthday. Many of these songs I have on cassette tapes (yep, even the storage device is old). It’s time for me to let go of the musical score of our relationship.
But what to replace it with? Today I make a love-song playlist for myself - an arsenal of uplifting and inspirational songs that I’ve downloaded to my iPod. These include:
1. Pink Martini’s “Hang on Little Tomato.” As China Forbes croons, I become confident that I can “hang on to the vine.”
2. Stephanie Bentley’s “I Will Survive” (not to be confused with Gloria Gaynor’s song with the same title).
3. “Hallelujah” sung by Rufus Wainwright - don’t really know why this one is in there, it just is.
4. Indie Arie’s version of “The Heart of the Matter” – a great moving on song.
5. Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds” – Don’t worry about a thing . . .
6. O-O-H Child – Nina Simone – “Things are gonna get easier , . . Things are gonna get brighter.”
7. “Love is all Around” the old Mary Tyler Moore theme song – the ultimate pep talk – I prefer the edgier Joan Jett version.
8. One Hand in my Pocket - Alanis Morissette - This song sums up the complex and often contradictory emotions that I’m feeling post breakup. “But what it all comes down to, is everything’s going to be fine, fine, fine.”
9. Galileo - Indigo Girls - “I call on the resting soul, of Galileo, king of night vision, king of insight.”
10. Cigarra - Simone - a Brazilian song that I loved as a young girl.
11. Little Boxes - The Angelique Kidjo version - it reminds me to think outside the box.
12. Love is Everything - k.d. lang - because it was always about love.
When I compile these songs in my “Morning” playlist, they are like a soothing balm applied to my spirit. The great thing about music is that it unites us by shared experiences -there isn’t anything that I am experiencing with this breakup that hasn’t been felt by a fellow human. This makes me feel less alone.
And sometimes life reminds me to laugh when my niece sends me a link to the OK Go song, "Needing/Getting." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MejbOFk7H6c&feature=player_embedded# :) Who are these wise crazies and will they come over for dinner?
Make yourself a playlist of inspirational tunes to start your morning off or send you to bed in the right mood. Use the mix as your personal medicine pouch of songs that will lift you up when your down and remind you that you’re not alone.
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.
Eckhart Tolle, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose"
Why is it that after a split there seems to be more breakup songs on the radio? I call this phenomenon “songchronicity” or the seeming connection of my life with causally unrelated random songs (otherwise known as the Cosmic DJ Phenomenon).
If I were to leave it to the radio, I’d be at the mercy of hearing breakup songs at the most inappropriate times, like when I’m driving into work. It’s not that a good cry isn’t valuable in the process of letting go, but not in the car, and not when I have to have my game-face ready for work.
Then there are those not-so-random songs associated with my past relationship: songs that Ex-man and I have danced to and loved to. It makes me sad when I listen to these songs, especially “Power of Two” by the Indigo Girls. To make matters worse for me, Ex-man is a gifted piano player and songwriter who wrote several songs for me over our years together including the one he wrote for my eighteenth birthday. Many of these songs I have on cassette tapes (yep, even the storage device is old). It’s time for me to let go of the musical score of our relationship.
But what to replace it with? Today I make a love-song playlist for myself - an arsenal of uplifting and inspirational songs that I’ve downloaded to my iPod. These include:
1. Pink Martini’s “Hang on Little Tomato.” As China Forbes croons, I become confident that I can “hang on to the vine.”
2. Stephanie Bentley’s “I Will Survive” (not to be confused with Gloria Gaynor’s song with the same title).
3. “Hallelujah” sung by Rufus Wainwright - don’t really know why this one is in there, it just is.
4. Indie Arie’s version of “The Heart of the Matter” – a great moving on song.
5. Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds” – Don’t worry about a thing . . .
6. O-O-H Child – Nina Simone – “Things are gonna get easier , . . Things are gonna get brighter.”
7. “Love is all Around” the old Mary Tyler Moore theme song – the ultimate pep talk – I prefer the edgier Joan Jett version.
8. One Hand in my Pocket - Alanis Morissette - This song sums up the complex and often contradictory emotions that I’m feeling post breakup. “But what it all comes down to, is everything’s going to be fine, fine, fine.”
9. Galileo - Indigo Girls - “I call on the resting soul, of Galileo, king of night vision, king of insight.”
10. Cigarra - Simone - a Brazilian song that I loved as a young girl.
11. Little Boxes - The Angelique Kidjo version - it reminds me to think outside the box.
12. Love is Everything - k.d. lang - because it was always about love.
When I compile these songs in my “Morning” playlist, they are like a soothing balm applied to my spirit. The great thing about music is that it unites us by shared experiences -there isn’t anything that I am experiencing with this breakup that hasn’t been felt by a fellow human. This makes me feel less alone.
And sometimes life reminds me to laugh when my niece sends me a link to the OK Go song, "Needing/Getting." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MejbOFk7H6c&feature=player_embedded# :) Who are these wise crazies and will they come over for dinner?
Make yourself a playlist of inspirational tunes to start your morning off or send you to bed in the right mood. Use the mix as your personal medicine pouch of songs that will lift you up when your down and remind you that you’re not alone.
Shifting the Camera Angle
361 Marbles
In my own worst seasons I've come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over again.
Barbara Kingsolver, "High Tide In Tucson: Essays From Now Or Never"
When I get into a rut or a stuck way of viewing something, I try to act as the director of this production called my life. I pull-back and readjust my camera angle to get a different view of the scene. I also examine the camera to see if there’s some wonky filter on the lens that’s casting the light in a displeasing manner.
Today I did an accounting of my life and my balance sheet left me overwhelmed. I did the only thing I could think to do – I took myself for a run – half in an effort to run from my problems, half as a way to ensure that I breathe.
On that run, my inner voice went from, “I’m a single mom with little money and three kids,” to “I’m a mother of three kids, all the more reason to make more money.” Something shifted and I went from limiting, fear-filled thoughts to more expansive and inviting thoughts. I changed my camera angle and got a different view of the same situation. I acknowledged that the filter that was on my lens as the scarcity mentality that I experienced growing up. I got rid of the filter, knowing that it would probably make its way back on my lens in less-than-conscious moments.
Instead of thinking of my one limited income being stretched to cover four people, I open myself to an expanded income that is more than enough to support my family. I let it go and put one foot in front of the other. I remembered to breathe.
If you are becoming fixated on looking at events in one way, shift your focus and look from a different angle. Flex your ability to see things in a different way. At every juncture, step out of fear and into possibility.
In my own worst seasons I've come back from the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until I learned to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, I have taught myself joy, over and over again.
Barbara Kingsolver, "High Tide In Tucson: Essays From Now Or Never"
When I get into a rut or a stuck way of viewing something, I try to act as the director of this production called my life. I pull-back and readjust my camera angle to get a different view of the scene. I also examine the camera to see if there’s some wonky filter on the lens that’s casting the light in a displeasing manner.
Today I did an accounting of my life and my balance sheet left me overwhelmed. I did the only thing I could think to do – I took myself for a run – half in an effort to run from my problems, half as a way to ensure that I breathe.
On that run, my inner voice went from, “I’m a single mom with little money and three kids,” to “I’m a mother of three kids, all the more reason to make more money.” Something shifted and I went from limiting, fear-filled thoughts to more expansive and inviting thoughts. I changed my camera angle and got a different view of the same situation. I acknowledged that the filter that was on my lens as the scarcity mentality that I experienced growing up. I got rid of the filter, knowing that it would probably make its way back on my lens in less-than-conscious moments.
Instead of thinking of my one limited income being stretched to cover four people, I open myself to an expanded income that is more than enough to support my family. I let it go and put one foot in front of the other. I remembered to breathe.
If you are becoming fixated on looking at events in one way, shift your focus and look from a different angle. Flex your ability to see things in a different way. At every juncture, step out of fear and into possibility.
Protagonist Versus Antagonist
362 Marbles
I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.
Shirley MacLaine
The most crazy-making question that I can pose to my brain right now is, “Why the split?” It wasn’t a lack of love. When people outside my brain ask me the question, I answer with something like, “I have a story in which I’m the protagonist and he’s the antagonist. I also have a story in which he’s the protagonist and I’m the antagonist. Which one would you like to hear?” The fact that there even exists the antagonistic role, may be the story in itself.
When I was little, I was told that a protagonist drove a story and an antagonist prevented the heroine from getting what she wanted. Without the conflict there exists no story. I think I may have taken this a little too seriously. I once had an ex-husband who was uncomplicated with his love. Crazy me thought that it didn’t quite feel like love – Where’s the drama? Not to worry – I created it.
I remember when my kids were younger how they would often get fixated on naming the "good guy" and the "bad guy" when they were watching a movie. I saw this and wondered if we were doing a disservice to our children when we tell them stories where there is a clear big, bad wolf (I see too many politicians who are still entrenched in this type of thinking.) I asked a writing teacher this question and she told me that in the hero's journey, we see the protagonist overcoming dark forces. In life, these dark forces are never just outside of us - we all battle our own demons. The truth that story relays is that when we are brave and do the work to go into our own dark places, we will come out the other side. Most of us aren't conscious that the major work is done on our interior landscape so the stories of survival and courage give us the faith that all will be well when we face the dragon.
What I’ve come to appreciate is the movement of storytellers toward the fractured narrative (think Crash, Magnolia, The Poisonwood Bible). The storylines are so intertwined and just like real life, there exists no single protagonist nor a single antagonist. This storytelling moves away from the dangerous black and white, us-and-them thinking which in the microcosm of a breakup sounds like, “My ex is an as-----!”
What I know for sure is that there are so many stories about myself and my ex. I turn them over and over in my head. Each one carries part of the truth, but only one small facet. Each story is like focusing on one side of a prism as a means of seeing the whole – it simply doesn’t work. I haven’t had the time or distance to pull back and hold the relationship up to the light to see what shines through. Right now all I can see is our kids shining through.
I also know is that I’m tired of being my own protagonist if there has to be an antagonist to make my story spin. I want a soft place to fall even if it’s only my own arms that are there to catch me and I know that I’m getting tired of living my own dramas. My new goal is to keep the drama to the page.
How will you talk about the breakup when people ask what happened? Will you frame yourself as a victim? Will you accept responsibility for being the villain? Is it ever that black and white?
Can you stay out of story and drama? I once heard the writer/speaker Iyanla Vanzant say of her husband that initiated their divorce, "He changed his mind." End of story.
I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.
Shirley MacLaine
The most crazy-making question that I can pose to my brain right now is, “Why the split?” It wasn’t a lack of love. When people outside my brain ask me the question, I answer with something like, “I have a story in which I’m the protagonist and he’s the antagonist. I also have a story in which he’s the protagonist and I’m the antagonist. Which one would you like to hear?” The fact that there even exists the antagonistic role, may be the story in itself.
When I was little, I was told that a protagonist drove a story and an antagonist prevented the heroine from getting what she wanted. Without the conflict there exists no story. I think I may have taken this a little too seriously. I once had an ex-husband who was uncomplicated with his love. Crazy me thought that it didn’t quite feel like love – Where’s the drama? Not to worry – I created it.
I remember when my kids were younger how they would often get fixated on naming the "good guy" and the "bad guy" when they were watching a movie. I saw this and wondered if we were doing a disservice to our children when we tell them stories where there is a clear big, bad wolf (I see too many politicians who are still entrenched in this type of thinking.) I asked a writing teacher this question and she told me that in the hero's journey, we see the protagonist overcoming dark forces. In life, these dark forces are never just outside of us - we all battle our own demons. The truth that story relays is that when we are brave and do the work to go into our own dark places, we will come out the other side. Most of us aren't conscious that the major work is done on our interior landscape so the stories of survival and courage give us the faith that all will be well when we face the dragon.
What I’ve come to appreciate is the movement of storytellers toward the fractured narrative (think Crash, Magnolia, The Poisonwood Bible). The storylines are so intertwined and just like real life, there exists no single protagonist nor a single antagonist. This storytelling moves away from the dangerous black and white, us-and-them thinking which in the microcosm of a breakup sounds like, “My ex is an as-----!”
What I know for sure is that there are so many stories about myself and my ex. I turn them over and over in my head. Each one carries part of the truth, but only one small facet. Each story is like focusing on one side of a prism as a means of seeing the whole – it simply doesn’t work. I haven’t had the time or distance to pull back and hold the relationship up to the light to see what shines through. Right now all I can see is our kids shining through.
I also know is that I’m tired of being my own protagonist if there has to be an antagonist to make my story spin. I want a soft place to fall even if it’s only my own arms that are there to catch me and I know that I’m getting tired of living my own dramas. My new goal is to keep the drama to the page.
How will you talk about the breakup when people ask what happened? Will you frame yourself as a victim? Will you accept responsibility for being the villain? Is it ever that black and white?
Can you stay out of story and drama? I once heard the writer/speaker Iyanla Vanzant say of her husband that initiated their divorce, "He changed his mind." End of story.
Ms. Fix It
363 Marbles
I’m at a point where I want a man in my life – but not in my house! Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.
Joy Behar
After my success with the shower-head yesterday, I’ve adapted a new motto, “Tools are friends.” Today I tackle an even bigger project – cupboards and gates.
When my relationship was becoming un-hinged, so were two of my kitchen cupboards as well as the gate to the yard. For some reason, I thought that these do-it-yourself projects were something that males of the species had more propensity for, so I left them for Ex-man to deal with. It never happened.
Today I feel the inclination to tackle the projects myself. I go to the hardware store and buy a new kitchen cupboard hinge (do you believe they actually sell those things?!) I come home and take out my handy tool kit and replace the hinge. The other hinge just needs adjustment. Yippee! I’m quite proud of myself. The doors to the cupboard are now secure.
The gate is trickier. I take it down, reinforce it, then reattach it to the fence. Voila! Hinged and functioning again!
Are there projects that need to be done that your ex would normally tackle? Could you acquire the skill-set to do it yourself? It’s amazing what you can learn on Youtube – a girl barely needs to leave home these days.
I’m at a point where I want a man in my life – but not in my house! Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out.
Joy Behar
After my success with the shower-head yesterday, I’ve adapted a new motto, “Tools are friends.” Today I tackle an even bigger project – cupboards and gates.
When my relationship was becoming un-hinged, so were two of my kitchen cupboards as well as the gate to the yard. For some reason, I thought that these do-it-yourself projects were something that males of the species had more propensity for, so I left them for Ex-man to deal with. It never happened.
Today I feel the inclination to tackle the projects myself. I go to the hardware store and buy a new kitchen cupboard hinge (do you believe they actually sell those things?!) I come home and take out my handy tool kit and replace the hinge. The other hinge just needs adjustment. Yippee! I’m quite proud of myself. The doors to the cupboard are now secure.
The gate is trickier. I take it down, reinforce it, then reattach it to the fence. Voila! Hinged and functioning again!
Are there projects that need to be done that your ex would normally tackle? Could you acquire the skill-set to do it yourself? It’s amazing what you can learn on Youtube – a girl barely needs to leave home these days.
Putting the “S” back in “EX”
364 Marbles
Warning: I realize that good girls aren't supposed to talk about sex and especially the "m" word but I'm not really a girl anymore and "good" can be so limiting...
When I woke up this morning I felt slightly better so I tackled the installation of a shower-head. S is for shower-head – Rah, Rah, Rah.
Purpose: To help combat the long dry spell of celibacy ahead.
Tools: One pulsating shower-head with a hose long enough to reach the bathtub surface, one wrench, plumber’s tape (I improvise and use waxed dental floss).
Methodology: My body isn’t completely sure that celibacy is a good idea. I wish I could be the type of person that has fun and casual sex, but so far, I’m not. I’ve had a solo experience with a one-night stand (are they even called this anymore?) It was tragic, in the sense of two bodies colliding, nothing else. It seems I have to love (or at least know someone enough to like) before I invite him/her into my body. Seeing as I’m not dating anyone for at least a year, the pulsing water will save me from a year of drought.
Maybe I should give my new shower-head a name.
Decide how you will take care of yourself sexually when you are not in a relationship. If you need to, go to a store or go online and buy some helpful toys. If you’re too shy for that, an unassuming and mischievous shower-head works wonders;)
If you think that your sexuality is dependent on being in a relationship, ask what it would take for you to claim your sexuality for yourself?
Warning: I realize that good girls aren't supposed to talk about sex and especially the "m" word but I'm not really a girl anymore and "good" can be so limiting...
When I woke up this morning I felt slightly better so I tackled the installation of a shower-head. S is for shower-head – Rah, Rah, Rah.
Purpose: To help combat the long dry spell of celibacy ahead.
Tools: One pulsating shower-head with a hose long enough to reach the bathtub surface, one wrench, plumber’s tape (I improvise and use waxed dental floss).
Methodology: My body isn’t completely sure that celibacy is a good idea. I wish I could be the type of person that has fun and casual sex, but so far, I’m not. I’ve had a solo experience with a one-night stand (are they even called this anymore?) It was tragic, in the sense of two bodies colliding, nothing else. It seems I have to love (or at least know someone enough to like) before I invite him/her into my body. Seeing as I’m not dating anyone for at least a year, the pulsing water will save me from a year of drought.
Maybe I should give my new shower-head a name.
Decide how you will take care of yourself sexually when you are not in a relationship. If you need to, go to a store or go online and buy some helpful toys. If you’re too shy for that, an unassuming and mischievous shower-head works wonders;)
If you think that your sexuality is dependent on being in a relationship, ask what it would take for you to claim your sexuality for yourself?
Clearing Space
365 Marbles
A thousand mile journey begins with the first marble...
I go to a movie with my kids so that we're not around as Ex-man moves his furniture out with his friends. Yes, it’s still pretty clear which is his furniture and which is mine as we didn’t build much together materially. In this way the split is simple, and he leaves us the pieces of his furniture that won’t fit into his new place.
When I arrive home, all I see are the empty spaces (and the dust bunnies). I put my kids to bed; my daughter is sad but, thankfully, sleep comes swiftly.
I check the messages. Ex-man decides to stay at his new place over night. Oddly, I’m slightly pissed off that he moves out a day earlier than scheduled, but in the whole scheme of things, nine months later than anticipated.
I stay up late, rearranging the furniture, cleaning up the corners. I put on music. I rearrange pictures. I don’t want the kids to wake up and notice the gaps.
I focus on repositioning, my intuitive Feng shui. I practice my own smudging ceremony, minus the burning sage. I bag things to give away, I resurrect items from storage and put them where I want them. I do a bit of psychic peeing in the corners.
I see things with different eyes. I note future projects I want to tackle like repainting the coffee table legs. I look at the furniture that I eventually want to discard. I envision my home as a soft place for me, a soft place for my kids.
At 3:30 a.m. when I finally go to bed, my sheets are cold and damp. I warm a Magic Bag in the microwave and curl up under my duvet. He was my furnace, among other things. I feel alone, but only slightly lonely.
I remember to breathe.
Think of the home you’d like to create for yourself (and your family if you have one). What would you like to add to your space? What would you like to keep? What needs to go?
When you’re feeling up to it, consider collecting ideas for the space that would represent who you are. You can make a collage of photos and drawings.
You don’t need to wait for a partner to have the home of your dreams.
PS If you landed here first, I recommend reading the "Preface," "The 365 Marble Commitment," and "Dear Reader" pages first.
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