13 Marbles
Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.
Nora Ephron
I’ve heard the expression, on several occasions, that certain women are MILFs ( for those of you who don’t know the term - Mothers I’d Like to F***). It’s kind of a backhanded compliment that expresses the desirability of a woman, who happens to be a mother, yet it uses the crass term that debases the compliment before it can be properly received. Stereotypical MILFs would be Beyonce and Angelina Jolie - those woman who manage to maintain their sexiness whilst becoming a mother. This may seem like an easy task, yet, speaking from experience, there is societal pressure to put one’s sexuality aside when entering into motherhood.
I remember when I first became a mother, I felt pressure to embody motherhood as my primary persona and make all other parts of myself secondary. I became influenced by the strict social norms that defined what it meant to be a wife and mother. I started dressing more like a mom, in clothes that I could take my baby to the park in - mom jeans. Yes, my new baby was taking a lot of my energy so my sexual side was a non-issue for a few months but eventually when things evened out, something had shifted - I had become more madonna, less “whore.” (I use the term “whore” loosely as an expression of my sexier side - ironically the aspect that led to me becoming a mother in the first place. It’s a convenient adaptation because - let’s face it - no child likes to think of their parents as being sexual.)
When I look back on my relationship with Ex-man, I recall that he had difficulty being with me sexually when I was pregnant with our kids (he thought he’d harm the baby). I tried to get my midwife to explain that he couldn’t physically harm the baby, but he was still reticent. I wonder how much of it was psychological - his inability to have sex with the mother of his children, especially when she was carrying the child. Regardless, our difficulty in negotiating parenthood and our sexuality led to several dry spells in our relationship. In a similar vein, I’ve observed several male acquaintances who have chosen “good girls” to be the mother of their children yet have often been attracted to women who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I’ve witnessed other friends who have made the shift into motherhood and have similarly sexed down their appearances. Granted, at first lack of sleep can be the culprit but when that stage passes, the maternal side seems to eclipse other sides of the being. I have one friend who manages to balance the schism by taking a trip to Vegas every year with one of her single friends. For a week she sits poolside, shops for flattering clothes, does her hair before going out, and innocently flirts with men who aren’t her husband. When she comes home to her husband and family, she’s more in touch with the self that isn’t a mother and her husband gets the advantage of connecting to a sexier side of his wife.
Now I’m not saying that in addition to all the demands that are required of mothers, now we have to consider having the energy to be sexy. What I am saying is that if we are conscious of our choices and the external influences around them, we can have more freedom to make the choice that is right for each of us. Sometimes we’ll choose “not to be a lady… to break the rules, and make a little trouble out there.” Bottom line, sexy is never about how we look in our skin but how we feel in our skin.
If you’re a mother, what would it look like to balance all aspects of yourself? What would it feel like for you to be all of you? Could you take all of you into your next relationship?
No comments:
Post a Comment