The Feeling I’m Looking For

21 Marbles 
     Beyond any list of what I’m looking for in a mate (Marble 30), there’s the feeling of what I’m looking for.  It’s not something that can be itemized - it’s an energy.  When that energy is absent, it can be so frustrating because the physical requirements of the relationship may be completely fulfilled but there is an intangible essence that is absent. For example, Ex-man and I were kind and generous to each other in bed.  This compatibility didn’t translate to the rest of our life and the absence of this energy ultimately led to our relationship’s demise. 
     When I watch the relationships of friends that work, I see that they are built on love and kindness.  I wonder if maybe I should do a retreat to the homes of these friends to simply steep in the energy of their relationships.  Sure, I know that they also have disagreements, but it’s the way they negotiate the disagreements that makes their relationships work. 
It’s frustrating for me to try to describe an intangible essence that I want as the foundation of my next relationship.  There’s a zen koan that says, “If you can say what it is, that’s not it.” It wasn’t until I came across this Hafiz poem that I had a Eureka moment . . .

It happens all the time in heaven

It happens all the time in heaven,
And some day
It will begin to happen
Again on earth -
That men and women who are married,
And men and men who are
Lovers,
And women and women
Who give each other
Light,
Often will get down on their knees
And while so tenderly
Holding their lover's hand,
With tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely speak, saying,
"My dear,
How can I be more loving to you;
How can I be more
Kind?"
--Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky

    That’s it! As the Dalai Lama was quoted as saying a couple of marbles ago- no complicated philosophy…our own heart, our own brain is our temple…the philosophy is kindness. When that loving kindness is there, it’s like a warmth that a couple and others can bask in. As Eckhart Tolle writes, “If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. Primary reality is within; secondary reality without.” So if I can hold the energy of what I'm looking for, maybe the rest will fall into place.

What do you want the essence of your next relationship to be? Is this an essence and a space that you already hold for yourself?