“Love, Honor, and Negotiate”

10 Marbles  
If you don’t have something nice to say, choose the right time to say it.
The whole art of life is knowing the right time to say things.
Maeve Binchy

    Wow! If there’s one thing that I didn’t get while I was in the relationship with Ex-man it was the simple formula above.
    I remember a friend once telling me that she chose to talk to her husband about things that she wanted just after they’d had sex when he was the most compliant. Firstly, I didn’t know whether to admire her or admonish her for her cunning. Secondly, I knew that would never work with Ex-man because he’d sniff that tactic out - he hated the feeling of being manipulated.  So I continued with my own formula of trying to make him listen even when he had completely shut down. My bad.
    In the book, Love, Honor, and Negotiate, Betty Carter writes, “There is no virtue in speaking to others in a way that makes it impossible for them to hear what you have to say or to appreciate the truth of your position.” But I consistently cast my proverbial verbal pearls in front of swine (okay, maybe it’s unfair to have Ex-man play the swine here, but it’s just a metaphor).  
    Although there is no “as long as you both shall live” with Ex-man and me, there is a “as long as you both shall raise your kids.” We still need to honor and negotiate.  One of Carter’s phrases that I’ll keep in my back pocket for the next time that Ex-man and I have difficulty negotiating is, ““I need you to find a different way to talk to me about your important concerns because I’m feeling flooded by so much negativity.  I’ll listen better if you approach me with respect.” Okay, the wording might be different but the spirit will be there. In fact, I’m thinking that Carter should write a volume of the book for couples that couldn’t build a partnership but still need to partner to raise their kids. I think that requires graduate studies in negotiating. 
    But what can I learn from the past that will allow me to create something different in the future? Firstly, I want to find someone with whom I’m more compatible. Secondly, I’ll need to establish that we can communicate well through sticky situations. Lastly, I’ll want to know that our life together doesn’t have to be so hard. When I think of all the lost energy that Ex-man and I wasted arguing with each other, I think of all the things that I could have created with that energy. Now that I’m older, I have no desire to be that frivolous with time. 

What would it take to learn the art of choosing the right time to say things? What would it take to love and honor your time on this planet so much that you'd find better ways to communicate and negotiate?