Zero
Is where the Real Fun starts.
There's too much counting
Everywhere else!
Hafiz
For the first while after the breakup, the breakup itself felt like it was the center of my universe - everything revolved around it. I was raw and most of my energy was spent on surviving the breakup.
As the marbles past, I once again found my center. When I was firmly on my feet, my family functioned better. I was then able to lift my head up and ask this question, “What does my life require of me now?”
And yet, I still carried negative feelings for Ex-man - he still annoyed me and I secretly blamed him for our breakup. Until one restorative yoga class and one visit to the infrared sauna.
I had listened to an interview with Marianne Williamson who said that if you were having trouble with forgiving someone, pray for them and bless them every day for a month. By the end of the month either something will shift with them or something will shift in you. So I decided to give it a try.
In the middle of this process, I went to a yoga class where the teacher spent a great deal of time stretching out our necks. My neck is incredibly tight and my massage therapist once told me, "You hold Ex-man in your neck." She explained that every time she worked on my neck, I would randomly start talking about Ex-man, or he would come to her mind.
So there I was at my yoga class, getting Ex-man stretched out of my neck. I proceeded into the infrared sauna where I continued to stretch out my neck. Each time I moved into a new position, I heard the clear question, "Are you willing to let go of all the stories?" After hearing this question several times, I silently responded, "If I let go of all of the stories, what will I replace them with?" The answer came immediately, "Knowing that he tried."
I will tell you, Dear Reader, that I did not sweat a drop in that infrared sauna, but at that moment my eyes started sweating profusely. That eye sweat streamed down my cheeks and, as Marianne Williamson suggested, something shifted in me. And then there was more space, more space in my neck, more space in me to create the life that I want. (And, yes, the irony is that this is one of my stories.)
"What does your life require of you?"
Check out this piece from performance poet Sarah Kay:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-8jtBOorpE
If you've just landed here for the first time, Welcome! I suggest reading the tabbed pages above (Foreword, The 365 Marble Commitment, and Dear Reader) and then starting in the archive at "365 Marbles - Clearing Space."
If you've come with me this far, Dear Reader, check out the "Afterword" in the tabs above. And the sequel blog - More Marbles: Navigating Online Dating, One Marble at a Time http://datingmarbles.blogspot.ca/.
And, you know what they say, "A rolling marble gathers no moss." Please pass these posts on to anyone you think might enjoy them - friends who have recently experienced a breakup, family members, therapists, or publishers. Let's keep these marbles rolling...
Que Sera Sera
One Marble
Most critical is the resolution of the orphan dilemma, which allows Magicians to trust and submit to a power greater than themselves saying,“Thy will be done.”
Carol S. Pearson “The Hero’s Journey”
I’m on the plane going to New Orleans. The song, “Que Sera Sera” comes on my head- set. My mother used to sing that song to me when I was young and it infuriated me. How ridiculous – asking someone what the future will hold only to be told what will be, will be (over and over again). It’s so passive. What about actively taking things into our own hands?
I’m trying to make peace with “what will be, will be.” I named the first episode of my series after that bloody song but as life takes its inevitable twists and turns, I sometimes wish I’d called the pilot, “My way or the highway.” Yet as one of my great writing teachers noted, “You write what you need to learn.”
I used to have this recurrent dream: I was in the backseat of a car and there was no driver. I had no control of the steering wheel and I was in complete and utter terror. I would try to climb into the front seat and get my hands and legs on the pedals but I was never successful. I’d be left driving in an out-of-control vehicle.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. Now, I picture myself in backseat with my sticky fingers off the steering wheel, sitting back and enjoying the ride. I used to feel that if I didn't control things, things wouldn't work out. Now I attempt to balance action with allowance. I'm working on surrender, and yes, the fact that I'm "working on it" means that I'm not quite there yet.
*********************************************************************
I arrive in New Orleans tonight for Mardi Gras. Dude greets me wearing a retro sweater circa The Cosby Show. He takes me to a Southern style all-you-can-eat buffet.
We go to dude’s house and he waits until midnight until my last marble has lapsed. My final marble lands on New Orleans soil. Then, garment by garment, I take off my clothes…
Most critical is the resolution of the orphan dilemma, which allows Magicians to trust and submit to a power greater than themselves saying,“Thy will be done.”
Carol S. Pearson “The Hero’s Journey”
I’m on the plane going to New Orleans. The song, “Que Sera Sera” comes on my head- set. My mother used to sing that song to me when I was young and it infuriated me. How ridiculous – asking someone what the future will hold only to be told what will be, will be (over and over again). It’s so passive. What about actively taking things into our own hands?
I’m trying to make peace with “what will be, will be.” I named the first episode of my series after that bloody song but as life takes its inevitable twists and turns, I sometimes wish I’d called the pilot, “My way or the highway.” Yet as one of my great writing teachers noted, “You write what you need to learn.”
I used to have this recurrent dream: I was in the backseat of a car and there was no driver. I had no control of the steering wheel and I was in complete and utter terror. I would try to climb into the front seat and get my hands and legs on the pedals but I was never successful. I’d be left driving in an out-of-control vehicle.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. Now, I picture myself in backseat with my sticky fingers off the steering wheel, sitting back and enjoying the ride. I used to feel that if I didn't control things, things wouldn't work out. Now I attempt to balance action with allowance. I'm working on surrender, and yes, the fact that I'm "working on it" means that I'm not quite there yet.
*********************************************************************
I arrive in New Orleans tonight for Mardi Gras. Dude greets me wearing a retro sweater circa The Cosby Show. He takes me to a Southern style all-you-can-eat buffet.
We go to dude’s house and he waits until midnight until my last marble has lapsed. My final marble lands on New Orleans soil. Then, garment by garment, I take off my clothes…
Ex-man’s Birthday
2 Marbles
Here are some questions I am constantly noodling over: Do you splurge or do you hoard? Do you live every day as if it's your last, or do you save your money on the chance you'll live twenty more years? Is life too short, or is it going to be too long? Do you work as hard as you can, or do you slow down to smell the roses? And where do carbohydrates fit into all this? Are we really all going to spend our last years avoiding bread, especially now that bread in American is so unbelievable delicious? And what about chocolate?
Nora Ephron “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”
I hear you, Nora, and I’ll add, “When you break up with the father of your children, do you spend time with him or do you go about your merry way as separately as possible?” Which is better for the kids?
I gave birth to my youngest son at home with the help of a midwife. While I was in early labor, my ex-husband came by to pick up our son and my daughter to take care of them until their brother was born. When he left, my midwife asked, “Was that your ex?” I answered that it was. She said that it reminded her of her own benevolent relationship with her ex-husband. Her and her ex had always managed to keep the peace and make decisions that were in the kids’ best interest but when the kids grew up, they came to her and said, “It was really hard for us growing up with you and dad - all of our friends whose parents were divorced couldn’t even be in the same room with each other but we could see you and dad still loved each other and got along. We couldn’t understand why you weren’t together.” She chuckled as she recalled the story saying, “You can’t win.”
Ah, but if only life were so simple. If only it were black and white, love and hate. But even science has found that love and hate are not completely exclusive. The nervous circuits in the brain responsible for love and hate are the same even though they appear to be opposite emotions (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html). But as Elie Wiesel says, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” When you can be indifferent to an ex, you know that there is no love left; until then, love exists even when it shows up as hate. Hate is an emotion of protection and guised strength. It’s so much easier to wear a hate trench coat when around an ex than to flash the vulnerable heart that still beats underneath.
But enough noodling over love, hate, and where an ex fits in. In two days, it's Ex-man’s birthday and, in keeping with “tradition” (as my kids like to call it), tonight I took Ex-man and clan out to a Mexican restaurant. When I looked up on the wall over our table, I saw a map of Mexico with nearby Louisiana and New Orleans. My marbles are nearly done, my bags are packed and I’m ready to leave the past in the past and head out into my future…
Do you wear a trench coat of hate around your ex?
Here are some questions I am constantly noodling over: Do you splurge or do you hoard? Do you live every day as if it's your last, or do you save your money on the chance you'll live twenty more years? Is life too short, or is it going to be too long? Do you work as hard as you can, or do you slow down to smell the roses? And where do carbohydrates fit into all this? Are we really all going to spend our last years avoiding bread, especially now that bread in American is so unbelievable delicious? And what about chocolate?
Nora Ephron “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”
I hear you, Nora, and I’ll add, “When you break up with the father of your children, do you spend time with him or do you go about your merry way as separately as possible?” Which is better for the kids?
I gave birth to my youngest son at home with the help of a midwife. While I was in early labor, my ex-husband came by to pick up our son and my daughter to take care of them until their brother was born. When he left, my midwife asked, “Was that your ex?” I answered that it was. She said that it reminded her of her own benevolent relationship with her ex-husband. Her and her ex had always managed to keep the peace and make decisions that were in the kids’ best interest but when the kids grew up, they came to her and said, “It was really hard for us growing up with you and dad - all of our friends whose parents were divorced couldn’t even be in the same room with each other but we could see you and dad still loved each other and got along. We couldn’t understand why you weren’t together.” She chuckled as she recalled the story saying, “You can’t win.”
Ah, but if only life were so simple. If only it were black and white, love and hate. But even science has found that love and hate are not completely exclusive. The nervous circuits in the brain responsible for love and hate are the same even though they appear to be opposite emotions (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html). But as Elie Wiesel says, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” When you can be indifferent to an ex, you know that there is no love left; until then, love exists even when it shows up as hate. Hate is an emotion of protection and guised strength. It’s so much easier to wear a hate trench coat when around an ex than to flash the vulnerable heart that still beats underneath.
But enough noodling over love, hate, and where an ex fits in. In two days, it's Ex-man’s birthday and, in keeping with “tradition” (as my kids like to call it), tonight I took Ex-man and clan out to a Mexican restaurant. When I looked up on the wall over our table, I saw a map of Mexico with nearby Louisiana and New Orleans. My marbles are nearly done, my bags are packed and I’m ready to leave the past in the past and head out into my future…
Do you wear a trench coat of hate around your ex?
Beginner’s Mind
3 Marbles
An infant who has just learned to hold his head up has a frank and forthright way of gazing about him in bewilderment. He hasn’t the faintest clue where he is, and he aims to learn. In a couple of years, what he will have learned instead is how to fake it: he’ll have the cocksure air of a squatter who has come to feel he owns the place. Some unwonted, taught pride diverts us from our original intent, which is to explore the neighborhood, view the landscape, to discover at least where it is that we have been so startingly set down, if we can’t learn why.
Annie Dillard, “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek”
I recently read an article about Joshua Bell’s stint in a Washington subway station. This famous violinist busked in the rush-hour DC metro station for pocket change on his $3.5 million violin. During his impromptu recital, barely a soul stopped to listen to the same music that he played to a sold-out crowd only a two nights before. A few children stopped but were scurried along by their parents. As I read the article to a friend, I barely made it to the end through the tears in my eyes. I’ll admit I was premenstrual, but the underlying questions still lingered, “Is this what we’ve become?” “How can we frivolously pass by magic and beauty and take no heed?” “Do we have no time for beginner’s mind when we’re late for work?” (Check out: http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bell.asp, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw)
I’ve been that parent that has needed to hurry a toddler along who was captivated by a creeping caterpillar or engrossed in the sensations of slowly melting ice cream. I’ve also had moments of surrender when I remembered to see the magic of the world through their eyes, then my own eyes. In those moments I managed to throw the word patience out the door in lieu of being present.
Beginner’s mind is a Zen Buddhist term that describes having openness, willingness, and lack of judgments when approaching a subject. It is a spirit of inquisitiveness expressed by Einstein when he said, “It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” It is the ability to break out of our routines, see things with fresh eyes, smell things with new noses, touch things with virgin fingers, and hear things (such as Joshua Bell in a metro station) with eager ears. It is, as Annie Dillard exemplifies, showing up as pilgrims in our world.
What would it take to wake up in the morning with beginner’s mind? What would it take to commit to not missing the wonder of the day? What would it take to appreciate the magic of the moment?
An infant who has just learned to hold his head up has a frank and forthright way of gazing about him in bewilderment. He hasn’t the faintest clue where he is, and he aims to learn. In a couple of years, what he will have learned instead is how to fake it: he’ll have the cocksure air of a squatter who has come to feel he owns the place. Some unwonted, taught pride diverts us from our original intent, which is to explore the neighborhood, view the landscape, to discover at least where it is that we have been so startingly set down, if we can’t learn why.
Annie Dillard, “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek”
I recently read an article about Joshua Bell’s stint in a Washington subway station. This famous violinist busked in the rush-hour DC metro station for pocket change on his $3.5 million violin. During his impromptu recital, barely a soul stopped to listen to the same music that he played to a sold-out crowd only a two nights before. A few children stopped but were scurried along by their parents. As I read the article to a friend, I barely made it to the end through the tears in my eyes. I’ll admit I was premenstrual, but the underlying questions still lingered, “Is this what we’ve become?” “How can we frivolously pass by magic and beauty and take no heed?” “Do we have no time for beginner’s mind when we’re late for work?” (Check out: http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bell.asp, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw)
I’ve been that parent that has needed to hurry a toddler along who was captivated by a creeping caterpillar or engrossed in the sensations of slowly melting ice cream. I’ve also had moments of surrender when I remembered to see the magic of the world through their eyes, then my own eyes. In those moments I managed to throw the word patience out the door in lieu of being present.
Beginner’s mind is a Zen Buddhist term that describes having openness, willingness, and lack of judgments when approaching a subject. It is a spirit of inquisitiveness expressed by Einstein when he said, “It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” It is the ability to break out of our routines, see things with fresh eyes, smell things with new noses, touch things with virgin fingers, and hear things (such as Joshua Bell in a metro station) with eager ears. It is, as Annie Dillard exemplifies, showing up as pilgrims in our world.
What would it take to wake up in the morning with beginner’s mind? What would it take to commit to not missing the wonder of the day? What would it take to appreciate the magic of the moment?
Vulnerability
4 Marbles
I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.
Duke Ellington
These marbles have been a vulnerable pursuit. I’ve written about my failed celibacy attempts, my emotions, my thoughts, and my judgments. I’ve declared myself having figured it all out one marble only to realize two marbles later that I was being a jerk. Bottom line, I’ve been human.
If you’re not one of the nearly 7.5 million people that have viewed Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” TEDtalk, do yourself a favor and check it out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. Brown relates vulnerability as the ability to take emotional risk, be exposed, and have uncertainty. In her estimation, it is the “the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” She suggests that vulnerability and the willingness to allow ourselves to be seen is the most accurate measurement of courage. She also explains that “you can’t selectively numb emotions” so when you numb the “negative” emotions (like the ones after a breakup) you also numb joy, happiness, and gratitude. The goal is to move through disappointment and approach life as one of the “whole-hearted” - someone who has a strong sense of love and belonging.
This breakup triggered so many feelings in me: abandonment, anger, failure, not being good enough, the list goes on. But I’ve seen too many people shut down their hearts and their lives after a breakup by: losing weight, gaining weight, smoking more, drinking, and sleeping around, all in an effort to numb the pain. Each day, I’ve taken the energy it would have taken to pout and I've written some marbles (Okay, so I pouted a bit along the way).
Our job is to move through, marble by marble, and show up in the world; Our world needs us whole, not perfect, just whole.
Author Neil Gaiman said, “The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you: Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.” What part of yourself are you not sharing with the world? Can you show up in the world wholeheartedly? Do you feel worthy of love and belonging?
I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.
Duke Ellington
These marbles have been a vulnerable pursuit. I’ve written about my failed celibacy attempts, my emotions, my thoughts, and my judgments. I’ve declared myself having figured it all out one marble only to realize two marbles later that I was being a jerk. Bottom line, I’ve been human.
If you’re not one of the nearly 7.5 million people that have viewed Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” TEDtalk, do yourself a favor and check it out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. Brown relates vulnerability as the ability to take emotional risk, be exposed, and have uncertainty. In her estimation, it is the “the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” She suggests that vulnerability and the willingness to allow ourselves to be seen is the most accurate measurement of courage. She also explains that “you can’t selectively numb emotions” so when you numb the “negative” emotions (like the ones after a breakup) you also numb joy, happiness, and gratitude. The goal is to move through disappointment and approach life as one of the “whole-hearted” - someone who has a strong sense of love and belonging.
This breakup triggered so many feelings in me: abandonment, anger, failure, not being good enough, the list goes on. But I’ve seen too many people shut down their hearts and their lives after a breakup by: losing weight, gaining weight, smoking more, drinking, and sleeping around, all in an effort to numb the pain. Each day, I’ve taken the energy it would have taken to pout and I've written some marbles (Okay, so I pouted a bit along the way).
Our job is to move through, marble by marble, and show up in the world; Our world needs us whole, not perfect, just whole.
Author Neil Gaiman said, “The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you: Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.” What part of yourself are you not sharing with the world? Can you show up in the world wholeheartedly? Do you feel worthy of love and belonging?
News Fast
5 Marbles
Documenting the truth is more crucial than ever, when today’s news is prone to distortion, willful ignorance and lies; when untruths go viral in the blogosphere overnight and even conventional media sources give airtime and print space to erroneous claims and rumors.
Alan Huffman, “We’re with Nobody”
There’s no escaping it - I’m an adult and as such, I feel the desire to keep abreast of some of the developments in the world around me. Yet even though my parents watched the news and read the newspaper, I can only muster enough interest to view news spoofs à la Jon Stewart and the like. Even when the world seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket, at least they can make me laugh about it.
Many of us take our food choices seriously but we are far less discerning about how we feed our minds. Dr. Andrew Weil recommends “news fasts” for anyone feeling stressed from being plugged into news through newspapers, television, and the internet. He recommends a conscious relationship with the media because our body gets physically affected by the negative perceptions of the world that we receive via the news (check his article out at http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART02034/simple-steps-to-a-better-life.html). I’m finding that a combination of newsish programs that connect me with what’s going on in the world sprinkled with TEDtalks speeches that connect me to what people are talking about in the world is my perfect diet. And now that my marbles are coming to an end and I can see the finish line with school not too far off, a question forms, “What is my place in the world?” *
Do you ingest too much junk media into your mind? Could you benefit from a newsfast? What is your place in the world?
* Aside from being a mother to three amazing kids
Documenting the truth is more crucial than ever, when today’s news is prone to distortion, willful ignorance and lies; when untruths go viral in the blogosphere overnight and even conventional media sources give airtime and print space to erroneous claims and rumors.
Alan Huffman, “We’re with Nobody”
There’s no escaping it - I’m an adult and as such, I feel the desire to keep abreast of some of the developments in the world around me. Yet even though my parents watched the news and read the newspaper, I can only muster enough interest to view news spoofs à la Jon Stewart and the like. Even when the world seems like it’s going to hell in a handbasket, at least they can make me laugh about it.
Many of us take our food choices seriously but we are far less discerning about how we feed our minds. Dr. Andrew Weil recommends “news fasts” for anyone feeling stressed from being plugged into news through newspapers, television, and the internet. He recommends a conscious relationship with the media because our body gets physically affected by the negative perceptions of the world that we receive via the news (check his article out at http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART02034/simple-steps-to-a-better-life.html). I’m finding that a combination of newsish programs that connect me with what’s going on in the world sprinkled with TEDtalks speeches that connect me to what people are talking about in the world is my perfect diet. And now that my marbles are coming to an end and I can see the finish line with school not too far off, a question forms, “What is my place in the world?” *
Do you ingest too much junk media into your mind? Could you benefit from a newsfast? What is your place in the world?
* Aside from being a mother to three amazing kids
The Truth
6 Marbles
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain
Alan Huffman, author of We’re with Nobody wrote, “Truth is like pregnancy in that it’s either yes or no. It’s a word that should never be qualified.” But we do qualify the truth. These days, truth seems to be something to which you can attach a possessive pronoun so it becomes, “her truth” or “his truth.” For example, in marble speak, this blog has been my truth in relation to a breakup yet if you were to ask Ex-man his truth, he would have an entirely different set of marbles.
The reality of breakups and anything that tends to polarize two people is that “the whole truth and nothing but the truth” is often no-man’s land somewhere in the middle of the two camps. The truth can be the land under dispute by the opposing parties -who’s telling the truth when the stories are different and both claim to be non-fiction? For the answer to that question, I’ll turn to fiction,“Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” (Yep, Star Wars - nerd girl strikes again.)
When the Dalai Lama was asked how he managed to live with the Chinese occupancy of his homeland without feeling bitterness, he answered that the Chinese were his "sacred friends" - they forced him to grow outside his comfort zone and become someone he wouldn't otherwise have become. What I know of Ex-man is that he is one of my sacred friends.
In marble 362 I wrote that, “I haven’t had the time or distance to pull back and hold the relationship up to the light to see what shines through.” So what is the underlying truth that shines through these marbles now that I have had some time and as much distance as possible? I chose a great father for my kids but not a great partner for me. Now I am free to make choices that will create the life that I want.
What are the truths you know about your past relationship? What is the truth of where you are now?
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain
Alan Huffman, author of We’re with Nobody wrote, “Truth is like pregnancy in that it’s either yes or no. It’s a word that should never be qualified.” But we do qualify the truth. These days, truth seems to be something to which you can attach a possessive pronoun so it becomes, “her truth” or “his truth.” For example, in marble speak, this blog has been my truth in relation to a breakup yet if you were to ask Ex-man his truth, he would have an entirely different set of marbles.
The reality of breakups and anything that tends to polarize two people is that “the whole truth and nothing but the truth” is often no-man’s land somewhere in the middle of the two camps. The truth can be the land under dispute by the opposing parties -who’s telling the truth when the stories are different and both claim to be non-fiction? For the answer to that question, I’ll turn to fiction,“Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” (Yep, Star Wars - nerd girl strikes again.)
When the Dalai Lama was asked how he managed to live with the Chinese occupancy of his homeland without feeling bitterness, he answered that the Chinese were his "sacred friends" - they forced him to grow outside his comfort zone and become someone he wouldn't otherwise have become. What I know of Ex-man is that he is one of my sacred friends.
In marble 362 I wrote that, “I haven’t had the time or distance to pull back and hold the relationship up to the light to see what shines through.” So what is the underlying truth that shines through these marbles now that I have had some time and as much distance as possible? I chose a great father for my kids but not a great partner for me. Now I am free to make choices that will create the life that I want.
What are the truths you know about your past relationship? What is the truth of where you are now?
Forgiveness
7 Marbles
Forgiving means giving up all hope for a better past.
Jack Kornfield, PhD
Marble seven.
Marble seven is letting go of what I thought my life would look like so I can live more fully in the present.
What would it take for me to have more of Marble Seven? To answer this question, I have to go back to Marble 9. Since writing that marble, I’ve felt a tightness around my heart. Yes, the awareness brought an understanding about a dynamic of our relationship and Ex-man’s need to be viewed as a good guy. Awareness usually brings more lightness and openness to a situation. This awareness did not so I had to ask,”Why?” The answer: Because it was steeped in judgment and resentment (and I was using my awareness to see myself as superior to Ex-man - tsk, tsk).
I knew I was getting stuck in this place but I had no idea how to move out of it. Today, I was listening to a Deepak Chopra meditation about forgiveness and these words resounded, “ In truth resentment affects only the one holding on and holding on takes energy and attention. Wouldn’t our time be better spent on joyous living and loving? When our attention is locked up in the past we don’t have the power to change our lives now.” Could I draw my energy back from the past and from Ex-man and the life that didn’t work for us so that I can live in the present and create a life that I desire?
Confucius said, “To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.” It’s the energy and attention that I direct at a situation through remembering it that makes it grow in significance. In that stuck place of judging Ex-man, there is part of me that is looking to right a perceived wrong. Yet while watching an interview with Lance Armstrong recently, I realized that I don’t have to police anything. The natural unfolding of the universe takes care of its own policing, in its own manner. I can get my sticky fingers off the steering wheel. When I do that, I'm one step closer to forgiveness.
Caroline Myss suggests creating “an official ceremony for yourself in which you call your spirit back from your past and release the negative influence of all your wounds. Whether you prefer a ritual or a private prayer service, enact your message of forgiveness in an ‘official’ way in order to establish a new beginning.” Can you create a ceremony to draw your energy back from the past?
Forgiving means giving up all hope for a better past.
Jack Kornfield, PhD
Marble seven.
Marble seven is letting go of what I thought my life would look like so I can live more fully in the present.
What would it take for me to have more of Marble Seven? To answer this question, I have to go back to Marble 9. Since writing that marble, I’ve felt a tightness around my heart. Yes, the awareness brought an understanding about a dynamic of our relationship and Ex-man’s need to be viewed as a good guy. Awareness usually brings more lightness and openness to a situation. This awareness did not so I had to ask,”Why?” The answer: Because it was steeped in judgment and resentment (and I was using my awareness to see myself as superior to Ex-man - tsk, tsk).
I knew I was getting stuck in this place but I had no idea how to move out of it. Today, I was listening to a Deepak Chopra meditation about forgiveness and these words resounded, “ In truth resentment affects only the one holding on and holding on takes energy and attention. Wouldn’t our time be better spent on joyous living and loving? When our attention is locked up in the past we don’t have the power to change our lives now.” Could I draw my energy back from the past and from Ex-man and the life that didn’t work for us so that I can live in the present and create a life that I desire?
Confucius said, “To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.” It’s the energy and attention that I direct at a situation through remembering it that makes it grow in significance. In that stuck place of judging Ex-man, there is part of me that is looking to right a perceived wrong. Yet while watching an interview with Lance Armstrong recently, I realized that I don’t have to police anything. The natural unfolding of the universe takes care of its own policing, in its own manner. I can get my sticky fingers off the steering wheel. When I do that, I'm one step closer to forgiveness.
Caroline Myss suggests creating “an official ceremony for yourself in which you call your spirit back from your past and release the negative influence of all your wounds. Whether you prefer a ritual or a private prayer service, enact your message of forgiveness in an ‘official’ way in order to establish a new beginning.” Can you create a ceremony to draw your energy back from the past?
Subtle Reactions
8 Marbles
As the marbles come to an end, my job is to notice all the strings that still tie me to Ex-man. Those ties are not as strong as they were 358 Marbles ago but they still tug at me occasionally. If I never had to see him again letting go would be easier. But as it is, until our kids get older, I still have to deal with him on a fairly regular basis and no one can push my buttons like he can (he knows where they are). I once had a lover whose mantra was, "Time and distance are the only things that heal a broken heart." We have had time but not much distance.
Four marbles ago, I wrote about keeping the heart open but I can also learn from those moments when my heart and my body constrict and close inward as sometimes happens when I deal with Ex-man. Of late, my exercise has been to listen to the subtle nuances of my body talking to me about those strings that are still attached.
Today as I wrote him an email, I noticed my solar plexus becoming tight. Interesting. I stopped and asked what my body was trying to tell me. I was perceiving his reaction to the email reminding him of our need to move forward with our son’s orthodontics - a considerable joint expense. I asked myself if I could let his reaction go and get bigger and my body opened up. I no longer had to be attached to his response.
Do you listen to the subtle reactions of your body? What are they trying to tell you?
As the marbles come to an end, my job is to notice all the strings that still tie me to Ex-man. Those ties are not as strong as they were 358 Marbles ago but they still tug at me occasionally. If I never had to see him again letting go would be easier. But as it is, until our kids get older, I still have to deal with him on a fairly regular basis and no one can push my buttons like he can (he knows where they are). I once had a lover whose mantra was, "Time and distance are the only things that heal a broken heart." We have had time but not much distance.
Four marbles ago, I wrote about keeping the heart open but I can also learn from those moments when my heart and my body constrict and close inward as sometimes happens when I deal with Ex-man. Of late, my exercise has been to listen to the subtle nuances of my body talking to me about those strings that are still attached.
Today as I wrote him an email, I noticed my solar plexus becoming tight. Interesting. I stopped and asked what my body was trying to tell me. I was perceiving his reaction to the email reminding him of our need to move forward with our son’s orthodontics - a considerable joint expense. I asked myself if I could let his reaction go and get bigger and my body opened up. I no longer had to be attached to his response.
Do you listen to the subtle reactions of your body? What are they trying to tell you?
Good Guys
9 Marbles
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good
And when she was bad she was horrid.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I recently listened to an interview with David Letterman where he described how he used to think of himself as a good guy yet he would do things that were inconsistent with being a good guy. I couldn’t help thinking about Ex-man. He was always so active in portraying himself with a good guy image. The reality was that he, like all of us, was not always “good.”
My mother used to sing me the above rhyme when I was misbehaving. That was back in the day when you were either a good girl or a bad girl and the determination of your place on the spectrum was designated by someone outside of yourself. Yet as Ernest Hemingway wrote, “I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” The good or bad feeling isn’t about who you are but what you’ve done. Thus it’s always a choice about how to act - in ways that express our highest good or those that do not.
Through Letterman I was able to realize that if we are stuck in an image, we can’t accept all of who we are. When someone is unable to accept his/her own foibles it generally follows that he/she is less able to accept the foibles of others. Ex-man often judged my imperfections harshly (which coincided nicely with my shadow belief that I couldn’t be loved unless I was perfect or at least, not broken). And, yes, this is me not accepting his foible of needing to be seen as a good guy. Perhaps when I let go of my judgment of him, I'll be able to see more clearly those times when he does act from his highest good.
Are you invested in portraying an image to the world? If the front of your house has a beautiful facade but the back is falling apart, what’s the point of the facade? As Ben Franklin said, “What you would seem to be, be really.”
What would it take to accept all of ourselves? What would it take to find a partner that could do the same?
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good
She was very, very good
And when she was bad she was horrid.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I recently listened to an interview with David Letterman where he described how he used to think of himself as a good guy yet he would do things that were inconsistent with being a good guy. I couldn’t help thinking about Ex-man. He was always so active in portraying himself with a good guy image. The reality was that he, like all of us, was not always “good.”
My mother used to sing me the above rhyme when I was misbehaving. That was back in the day when you were either a good girl or a bad girl and the determination of your place on the spectrum was designated by someone outside of yourself. Yet as Ernest Hemingway wrote, “I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.” The good or bad feeling isn’t about who you are but what you’ve done. Thus it’s always a choice about how to act - in ways that express our highest good or those that do not.
Through Letterman I was able to realize that if we are stuck in an image, we can’t accept all of who we are. When someone is unable to accept his/her own foibles it generally follows that he/she is less able to accept the foibles of others. Ex-man often judged my imperfections harshly (which coincided nicely with my shadow belief that I couldn’t be loved unless I was perfect or at least, not broken). And, yes, this is me not accepting his foible of needing to be seen as a good guy. Perhaps when I let go of my judgment of him, I'll be able to see more clearly those times when he does act from his highest good.
Are you invested in portraying an image to the world? If the front of your house has a beautiful facade but the back is falling apart, what’s the point of the facade? As Ben Franklin said, “What you would seem to be, be really.”
What would it take to accept all of ourselves? What would it take to find a partner that could do the same?
“Love, Honor, and Negotiate”
10 Marbles
If you don’t have something nice to say, choose the right time to say it.
The whole art of life is knowing the right time to say things.
Maeve Binchy
Wow! If there’s one thing that I didn’t get while I was in the relationship with Ex-man it was the simple formula above.
I remember a friend once telling me that she chose to talk to her husband about things that she wanted just after they’d had sex when he was the most compliant. Firstly, I didn’t know whether to admire her or admonish her for her cunning. Secondly, I knew that would never work with Ex-man because he’d sniff that tactic out - he hated the feeling of being manipulated. So I continued with my own formula of trying to make him listen even when he had completely shut down. My bad.
In the book, Love, Honor, and Negotiate, Betty Carter writes, “There is no virtue in speaking to others in a way that makes it impossible for them to hear what you have to say or to appreciate the truth of your position.” But I consistently cast my proverbial verbal pearls in front of swine (okay, maybe it’s unfair to have Ex-man play the swine here, but it’s just a metaphor).
Although there is no “as long as you both shall live” with Ex-man and me, there is a “as long as you both shall raise your kids.” We still need to honor and negotiate. One of Carter’s phrases that I’ll keep in my back pocket for the next time that Ex-man and I have difficulty negotiating is, ““I need you to find a different way to talk to me about your important concerns because I’m feeling flooded by so much negativity. I’ll listen better if you approach me with respect.” Okay, the wording might be different but the spirit will be there. In fact, I’m thinking that Carter should write a volume of the book for couples that couldn’t build a partnership but still need to partner to raise their kids. I think that requires graduate studies in negotiating.
But what can I learn from the past that will allow me to create something different in the future? Firstly, I want to find someone with whom I’m more compatible. Secondly, I’ll need to establish that we can communicate well through sticky situations. Lastly, I’ll want to know that our life together doesn’t have to be so hard. When I think of all the lost energy that Ex-man and I wasted arguing with each other, I think of all the things that I could have created with that energy. Now that I’m older, I have no desire to be that frivolous with time.
What would it take to learn the art of choosing the right time to say things? What would it take to love and honor your time on this planet so much that you'd find better ways to communicate and negotiate?
If you don’t have something nice to say, choose the right time to say it.
The whole art of life is knowing the right time to say things.
Maeve Binchy
Wow! If there’s one thing that I didn’t get while I was in the relationship with Ex-man it was the simple formula above.
I remember a friend once telling me that she chose to talk to her husband about things that she wanted just after they’d had sex when he was the most compliant. Firstly, I didn’t know whether to admire her or admonish her for her cunning. Secondly, I knew that would never work with Ex-man because he’d sniff that tactic out - he hated the feeling of being manipulated. So I continued with my own formula of trying to make him listen even when he had completely shut down. My bad.
In the book, Love, Honor, and Negotiate, Betty Carter writes, “There is no virtue in speaking to others in a way that makes it impossible for them to hear what you have to say or to appreciate the truth of your position.” But I consistently cast my proverbial verbal pearls in front of swine (okay, maybe it’s unfair to have Ex-man play the swine here, but it’s just a metaphor).
Although there is no “as long as you both shall live” with Ex-man and me, there is a “as long as you both shall raise your kids.” We still need to honor and negotiate. One of Carter’s phrases that I’ll keep in my back pocket for the next time that Ex-man and I have difficulty negotiating is, ““I need you to find a different way to talk to me about your important concerns because I’m feeling flooded by so much negativity. I’ll listen better if you approach me with respect.” Okay, the wording might be different but the spirit will be there. In fact, I’m thinking that Carter should write a volume of the book for couples that couldn’t build a partnership but still need to partner to raise their kids. I think that requires graduate studies in negotiating.
But what can I learn from the past that will allow me to create something different in the future? Firstly, I want to find someone with whom I’m more compatible. Secondly, I’ll need to establish that we can communicate well through sticky situations. Lastly, I’ll want to know that our life together doesn’t have to be so hard. When I think of all the lost energy that Ex-man and I wasted arguing with each other, I think of all the things that I could have created with that energy. Now that I’m older, I have no desire to be that frivolous with time.
What would it take to learn the art of choosing the right time to say things? What would it take to love and honor your time on this planet so much that you'd find better ways to communicate and negotiate?
Broken Heart
11 Marbles
Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could break your heart twice, along the very same fault lines.
Jodi Picoult, "My Sister's Keeper"
As the marbles fall, one by one, I’m taking an inventory of the things that have shifted since that first marble almost a year ago. In L Frank Baum’s classic, the Wizard said, “Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable” yet we boldly enter into love with our very impractical hearts.
When Ex-man moved out 355 marbles ago, I felt like the Tin Woodsman who said to Dorothy as she was leaving, “Now I know I’ve got a heart because it’s breaking.” I was raw and afraid of what the future would look like without the father of my children and the man I had known since I was a fourteen-year-old girl. (I didn’t know then that I was more like the lion who didn’t know her own courage.)
Looking back, I’m not quite sure why I had so much difficulty letting go of Ex-man and our relationship. It’s not like the relationship was fabulous but it’s what I knew, and sometimes the relationship devil you know is better than the relationship devil you don’t know.
The question that I ponder as I consider entering my future with an open heart is, “What would it take for me to allow people to come and go from my heart and my life with more ease?” and “Why does every parting have to hurt so much?” These seem to be fairly important questions.
And then there’s that little girl who didn’t like to be left by her friends, who, at times, would try to make them stay with her so she wouldn’t be left, what felt like, alone. The little girl whose mother tried to explain to her, “You can’t keep someone who wants to leave.” Little did I know that I would be learning that lesson several times in my life until I realized that alone was not a bad place to be - until I learned that I’m pretty good company.
As I look back on my life I realize that there have been several times when I’ve thought that someone would be with me forever only to find that in time, our ways parted. Yet with each of these loves, I feel that my life was altered in such a significant way that I can’t imagine not happening upon them in this adventure called life. As Dickens wrote, "Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it." The trick is to keep the heart open with each parting when every instinct cries, “Shut down shop.” Yes, maybe it’s a good idea to pull the shutters and take a pause, but the goal is to show up in the world with an open heart. As the Sufi musician Inayat Khan wrote, ““God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.” (Yes, it's a repeat from a previous marble, but it's one to remember.)
Is it possible that it’s the rigid resistance to life and change that breaks the heart? What would it take to keep the heart open? What would it take to open-heartedly miss an Ex?
Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could break your heart twice, along the very same fault lines.
Jodi Picoult, "My Sister's Keeper"
As the marbles fall, one by one, I’m taking an inventory of the things that have shifted since that first marble almost a year ago. In L Frank Baum’s classic, the Wizard said, “Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable” yet we boldly enter into love with our very impractical hearts.
When Ex-man moved out 355 marbles ago, I felt like the Tin Woodsman who said to Dorothy as she was leaving, “Now I know I’ve got a heart because it’s breaking.” I was raw and afraid of what the future would look like without the father of my children and the man I had known since I was a fourteen-year-old girl. (I didn’t know then that I was more like the lion who didn’t know her own courage.)
Looking back, I’m not quite sure why I had so much difficulty letting go of Ex-man and our relationship. It’s not like the relationship was fabulous but it’s what I knew, and sometimes the relationship devil you know is better than the relationship devil you don’t know.
The question that I ponder as I consider entering my future with an open heart is, “What would it take for me to allow people to come and go from my heart and my life with more ease?” and “Why does every parting have to hurt so much?” These seem to be fairly important questions.
And then there’s that little girl who didn’t like to be left by her friends, who, at times, would try to make them stay with her so she wouldn’t be left, what felt like, alone. The little girl whose mother tried to explain to her, “You can’t keep someone who wants to leave.” Little did I know that I would be learning that lesson several times in my life until I realized that alone was not a bad place to be - until I learned that I’m pretty good company.
As I look back on my life I realize that there have been several times when I’ve thought that someone would be with me forever only to find that in time, our ways parted. Yet with each of these loves, I feel that my life was altered in such a significant way that I can’t imagine not happening upon them in this adventure called life. As Dickens wrote, "Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it." The trick is to keep the heart open with each parting when every instinct cries, “Shut down shop.” Yes, maybe it’s a good idea to pull the shutters and take a pause, but the goal is to show up in the world with an open heart. As the Sufi musician Inayat Khan wrote, ““God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.” (Yes, it's a repeat from a previous marble, but it's one to remember.)
Is it possible that it’s the rigid resistance to life and change that breaks the heart? What would it take to keep the heart open? What would it take to open-heartedly miss an Ex?
Improv
12 Marbles
More of me comes out when I improvise.
Edward Hopper
I'm not as good of a filmmaker when I know exactly what I'm doing. When I don't have all of my comfort foods (special effects etc.) with me then I get really, really insecure. That insecurity opens me up to any possibility.
Steven Spielberg
My running partner is in an improv troupe. Last night my kids and I went to a G-rated performance of his troupe. My kids were thrilled to see their family friend up on stage and were tickled by many of the skits. All last night and all this morning I was treated to reenactments of their most favorite scenes accompanied by laughs and giggles.
While I was sitting in the audience, I had a moment of horror as I pictured myself standing up on stage, being required to be funny and engaging on the spot and in the moment. There’s nothing that goes against my writerly sensibilities more than having to be succinct pronto. Writing generally allows me to mull things over and edit ad nauseam.
My subconscious world extrapolated on with the fear…in my dream last night I was an opera singer in front of a large audience who were waiting for me to perform my aria. I was terrified because I didn’t have the singing voice but when I opened my mouth to offer what I did have, nothing came out. I was mute.
I have a preoccupation with preparation. I hate to procrastinate and I feel good when I’ve completed my school assignments well before their deadline. I’m the opposite of improv. Yet when I hang out with my running buddy, I notice a cool dynamic of being able to play off each other, building funny scenarios that will make us laugh, and generally being present in the moment with the desire to have fun. When I experience those moments of creativity, I wonder, “What would it take for me to be more comfortable with my ability to improvise?”
In her book, To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love: The Spiritual Dimension of Entrepreneuring, Marsha Sinetar wrote, "Only the strongest egos escape the trap of perfectionism. To solve problems successfully, you must believe you can, must feel capable enough to improvise. Yet too many adults have been schooled away from their ability to experiment freely." Do you feel capable enough to improvise? Can you experiment freely? When things don’t work out, are you able to laugh?
More of me comes out when I improvise.
Edward Hopper
I'm not as good of a filmmaker when I know exactly what I'm doing. When I don't have all of my comfort foods (special effects etc.) with me then I get really, really insecure. That insecurity opens me up to any possibility.
Steven Spielberg
My running partner is in an improv troupe. Last night my kids and I went to a G-rated performance of his troupe. My kids were thrilled to see their family friend up on stage and were tickled by many of the skits. All last night and all this morning I was treated to reenactments of their most favorite scenes accompanied by laughs and giggles.
While I was sitting in the audience, I had a moment of horror as I pictured myself standing up on stage, being required to be funny and engaging on the spot and in the moment. There’s nothing that goes against my writerly sensibilities more than having to be succinct pronto. Writing generally allows me to mull things over and edit ad nauseam.
My subconscious world extrapolated on with the fear…in my dream last night I was an opera singer in front of a large audience who were waiting for me to perform my aria. I was terrified because I didn’t have the singing voice but when I opened my mouth to offer what I did have, nothing came out. I was mute.
I have a preoccupation with preparation. I hate to procrastinate and I feel good when I’ve completed my school assignments well before their deadline. I’m the opposite of improv. Yet when I hang out with my running buddy, I notice a cool dynamic of being able to play off each other, building funny scenarios that will make us laugh, and generally being present in the moment with the desire to have fun. When I experience those moments of creativity, I wonder, “What would it take for me to be more comfortable with my ability to improvise?”
In her book, To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love: The Spiritual Dimension of Entrepreneuring, Marsha Sinetar wrote, "Only the strongest egos escape the trap of perfectionism. To solve problems successfully, you must believe you can, must feel capable enough to improvise. Yet too many adults have been schooled away from their ability to experiment freely." Do you feel capable enough to improvise? Can you experiment freely? When things don’t work out, are you able to laugh?
The Madonna and the Whore
13 Marbles
Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.
Nora Ephron
I’ve heard the expression, on several occasions, that certain women are MILFs ( for those of you who don’t know the term - Mothers I’d Like to F***). It’s kind of a backhanded compliment that expresses the desirability of a woman, who happens to be a mother, yet it uses the crass term that debases the compliment before it can be properly received. Stereotypical MILFs would be Beyonce and Angelina Jolie - those woman who manage to maintain their sexiness whilst becoming a mother. This may seem like an easy task, yet, speaking from experience, there is societal pressure to put one’s sexuality aside when entering into motherhood.
I remember when I first became a mother, I felt pressure to embody motherhood as my primary persona and make all other parts of myself secondary. I became influenced by the strict social norms that defined what it meant to be a wife and mother. I started dressing more like a mom, in clothes that I could take my baby to the park in - mom jeans. Yes, my new baby was taking a lot of my energy so my sexual side was a non-issue for a few months but eventually when things evened out, something had shifted - I had become more madonna, less “whore.” (I use the term “whore” loosely as an expression of my sexier side - ironically the aspect that led to me becoming a mother in the first place. It’s a convenient adaptation because - let’s face it - no child likes to think of their parents as being sexual.)
When I look back on my relationship with Ex-man, I recall that he had difficulty being with me sexually when I was pregnant with our kids (he thought he’d harm the baby). I tried to get my midwife to explain that he couldn’t physically harm the baby, but he was still reticent. I wonder how much of it was psychological - his inability to have sex with the mother of his children, especially when she was carrying the child. Regardless, our difficulty in negotiating parenthood and our sexuality led to several dry spells in our relationship. In a similar vein, I’ve observed several male acquaintances who have chosen “good girls” to be the mother of their children yet have often been attracted to women who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I’ve witnessed other friends who have made the shift into motherhood and have similarly sexed down their appearances. Granted, at first lack of sleep can be the culprit but when that stage passes, the maternal side seems to eclipse other sides of the being. I have one friend who manages to balance the schism by taking a trip to Vegas every year with one of her single friends. For a week she sits poolside, shops for flattering clothes, does her hair before going out, and innocently flirts with men who aren’t her husband. When she comes home to her husband and family, she’s more in touch with the self that isn’t a mother and her husband gets the advantage of connecting to a sexier side of his wife.
Now I’m not saying that in addition to all the demands that are required of mothers, now we have to consider having the energy to be sexy. What I am saying is that if we are conscious of our choices and the external influences around them, we can have more freedom to make the choice that is right for each of us. Sometimes we’ll choose “not to be a lady… to break the rules, and make a little trouble out there.” Bottom line, sexy is never about how we look in our skin but how we feel in our skin.
If you’re a mother, what would it look like to balance all aspects of yourself? What would it feel like for you to be all of you? Could you take all of you into your next relationship?
Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady. I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there. And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.
Nora Ephron
I’ve heard the expression, on several occasions, that certain women are MILFs ( for those of you who don’t know the term - Mothers I’d Like to F***). It’s kind of a backhanded compliment that expresses the desirability of a woman, who happens to be a mother, yet it uses the crass term that debases the compliment before it can be properly received. Stereotypical MILFs would be Beyonce and Angelina Jolie - those woman who manage to maintain their sexiness whilst becoming a mother. This may seem like an easy task, yet, speaking from experience, there is societal pressure to put one’s sexuality aside when entering into motherhood.
I remember when I first became a mother, I felt pressure to embody motherhood as my primary persona and make all other parts of myself secondary. I became influenced by the strict social norms that defined what it meant to be a wife and mother. I started dressing more like a mom, in clothes that I could take my baby to the park in - mom jeans. Yes, my new baby was taking a lot of my energy so my sexual side was a non-issue for a few months but eventually when things evened out, something had shifted - I had become more madonna, less “whore.” (I use the term “whore” loosely as an expression of my sexier side - ironically the aspect that led to me becoming a mother in the first place. It’s a convenient adaptation because - let’s face it - no child likes to think of their parents as being sexual.)
When I look back on my relationship with Ex-man, I recall that he had difficulty being with me sexually when I was pregnant with our kids (he thought he’d harm the baby). I tried to get my midwife to explain that he couldn’t physically harm the baby, but he was still reticent. I wonder how much of it was psychological - his inability to have sex with the mother of his children, especially when she was carrying the child. Regardless, our difficulty in negotiating parenthood and our sexuality led to several dry spells in our relationship. In a similar vein, I’ve observed several male acquaintances who have chosen “good girls” to be the mother of their children yet have often been attracted to women who are on the opposite end of the spectrum.
I’ve witnessed other friends who have made the shift into motherhood and have similarly sexed down their appearances. Granted, at first lack of sleep can be the culprit but when that stage passes, the maternal side seems to eclipse other sides of the being. I have one friend who manages to balance the schism by taking a trip to Vegas every year with one of her single friends. For a week she sits poolside, shops for flattering clothes, does her hair before going out, and innocently flirts with men who aren’t her husband. When she comes home to her husband and family, she’s more in touch with the self that isn’t a mother and her husband gets the advantage of connecting to a sexier side of his wife.
Now I’m not saying that in addition to all the demands that are required of mothers, now we have to consider having the energy to be sexy. What I am saying is that if we are conscious of our choices and the external influences around them, we can have more freedom to make the choice that is right for each of us. Sometimes we’ll choose “not to be a lady… to break the rules, and make a little trouble out there.” Bottom line, sexy is never about how we look in our skin but how we feel in our skin.
If you’re a mother, what would it look like to balance all aspects of yourself? What would it feel like for you to be all of you? Could you take all of you into your next relationship?
The Great One
14 Marbles
Skate to where the puck is going and not to where it's been.
Wayne Gretzsky
When my home hockey team was is in the Stanley Cup Playoffs against Boston, they started falling apart in the fourth game. Although I’m not a huge hockey fan, I took the opportunity to engage in the games and bond with my son. In the fourth game they were losing two nothing and when they came back in the second period, you could tell they had lost heart. Every close up of a Boston player showed them with “the eye of the tiger,” every close up of my home team showed them with “the eye of the scared kitten.” They had already lost.
I don’t know why it is but some teams, like some couples, manage to pull together when the chips are against them. Others, like my home team and me and Ex-man, start unraveling. It’s a hard thing to watch in sport, and it’s equally hard to watch in life.
There is a hockey legend (Wayne Gretzky aka “The Great One”) who used to say that he was successful because he never focused on where the puck was but on where it was going. I think this winning strategy applies to relationships as well. When I think of Ex-man, he is everything that I was, my youth, my dream of a nuclear family, “the boy next door”, but we never managed to skate together toward the puck, toward our future. We were the team that fell apart when the going got rough.
Some would say these marbles have been an unpacking of the thoughts and beliefs that created my past and my relationship with Ex-man. As I get ready to pack my bags for my trip to New Orleans, I consider what I’d like to leave behind and what I’d like to take with me. I’ve already started packing more fun in my suitcase - literally. A friend of mine has lent me several of her Burning Man costumes to wear for Mardi Gras. As for dude from New Orleans, I like spending time with him. He’s one of my playmates, and although he may not be a forever type of guy (if there is such a thing), I think of another Gretzkyism, ““You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.”
Can you let go of where the pucks been and skate towards where the puck is going? What would it look like to take more shots at life? At family? At love? At career?
Skate to where the puck is going and not to where it's been.
Wayne Gretzsky
When my home hockey team was is in the Stanley Cup Playoffs against Boston, they started falling apart in the fourth game. Although I’m not a huge hockey fan, I took the opportunity to engage in the games and bond with my son. In the fourth game they were losing two nothing and when they came back in the second period, you could tell they had lost heart. Every close up of a Boston player showed them with “the eye of the tiger,” every close up of my home team showed them with “the eye of the scared kitten.” They had already lost.
I don’t know why it is but some teams, like some couples, manage to pull together when the chips are against them. Others, like my home team and me and Ex-man, start unraveling. It’s a hard thing to watch in sport, and it’s equally hard to watch in life.
There is a hockey legend (Wayne Gretzky aka “The Great One”) who used to say that he was successful because he never focused on where the puck was but on where it was going. I think this winning strategy applies to relationships as well. When I think of Ex-man, he is everything that I was, my youth, my dream of a nuclear family, “the boy next door”, but we never managed to skate together toward the puck, toward our future. We were the team that fell apart when the going got rough.
Some would say these marbles have been an unpacking of the thoughts and beliefs that created my past and my relationship with Ex-man. As I get ready to pack my bags for my trip to New Orleans, I consider what I’d like to leave behind and what I’d like to take with me. I’ve already started packing more fun in my suitcase - literally. A friend of mine has lent me several of her Burning Man costumes to wear for Mardi Gras. As for dude from New Orleans, I like spending time with him. He’s one of my playmates, and although he may not be a forever type of guy (if there is such a thing), I think of another Gretzkyism, ““You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.”
Can you let go of where the pucks been and skate towards where the puck is going? What would it look like to take more shots at life? At family? At love? At career?
Love Stories
15 Marbles
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
Casablanca
Love stories, when they’re good, are always a heady mix of randomness and destiny… There’s a man who I work with that teaches salsa lessons. He told me that the first time he danced with his wife, he knew that she would become his wife. It was love at first dance - their bodies were perfectly synced and she would become the love of his life and the mother of his children.
There’s a woman who I work with that met her husband because of a coin toss. She was traveling around Europe with her brother and they were disagreeing about where to go to next. They decided to end the argument with a coin toss: Heads was Austria, tails was Germany. Heads won out and she found her husband at the train station in Vienna. The moment their eyes met, they each burst into a wide smile.
I’ve had several love stories in my life: throwing a water balloon at Ex-man when I was fourteen and falling in love when he played the piano for me; looking over Vancouver from one of the local mountains and falling in love with my ex-husband by the tenderness of his kiss to the top of my head; knowing I loved a woman when she looked into my eyes and painted my lips with my lipstick; and not less importantly, the love-before-first sight I had for each of my children.
Most of these stories are in my past (except for the unfolding connections with my children and the one with myself). The question, as the final marbles drop one by one, “What else can I create?
Can you honor your love story with your X and leave it in the past? Can you open-heartedly ask, “What else can I create?”
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.
Casablanca
Love stories, when they’re good, are always a heady mix of randomness and destiny… There’s a man who I work with that teaches salsa lessons. He told me that the first time he danced with his wife, he knew that she would become his wife. It was love at first dance - their bodies were perfectly synced and she would become the love of his life and the mother of his children.
There’s a woman who I work with that met her husband because of a coin toss. She was traveling around Europe with her brother and they were disagreeing about where to go to next. They decided to end the argument with a coin toss: Heads was Austria, tails was Germany. Heads won out and she found her husband at the train station in Vienna. The moment their eyes met, they each burst into a wide smile.
I’ve had several love stories in my life: throwing a water balloon at Ex-man when I was fourteen and falling in love when he played the piano for me; looking over Vancouver from one of the local mountains and falling in love with my ex-husband by the tenderness of his kiss to the top of my head; knowing I loved a woman when she looked into my eyes and painted my lips with my lipstick; and not less importantly, the love-before-first sight I had for each of my children.
Most of these stories are in my past (except for the unfolding connections with my children and the one with myself). The question, as the final marbles drop one by one, “What else can I create?
Can you honor your love story with your X and leave it in the past? Can you open-heartedly ask, “What else can I create?”
What’s wrong with you?
16 Marbles
Breathe and all will be revealed; love and all will be healed. This is yoga.
Seane Corn
My daughter is becoming defiant, as young girls usually do as they enter adolescence. Yesterday I was having difficulty getting her cooperation to do anything from getting out the door for school to helping with the dishes. By the end of the day I was tired and frustrated and I got angry with her (not that getting angry helped the situation).
I went to bed, hoping that things wouldn’t become increasingly challenging over the next few years. I had managed to get out of a tumultuous relationship with my daughter’s father, I didn’t want to now have one now with her.
I woke up super early this morning, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I got out of bed to do yoga and as I was breathing through the asanas, I heard these words that I spoke in anger to my daughter yesterday, “What is wrong with you?” And then the tears flowed down my cheek.
How could I have spoken those words to her? I didn’t ever want her to feel that there was something wrong with who she was. Yes, what she was doing was causing me grief but even then, she was starting to separate herself from me as most kids do at her age. To make matters worse, I had been in a relationship with her father who made me feel that something was wrong with me and now I was making her feel that something was wrong with her. I was victim and villain, simultaneously.
So first, I had to forgive myself for embodying that which I found so difficult in Ex-man. Secondly, I had to finish my yoga practice and wait until my daughter woke up to apologize.
Do you act in ways that are not good for yourself and those around you? Can you recognize those moments and make amends?
Breathe and all will be revealed; love and all will be healed. This is yoga.
Seane Corn
My daughter is becoming defiant, as young girls usually do as they enter adolescence. Yesterday I was having difficulty getting her cooperation to do anything from getting out the door for school to helping with the dishes. By the end of the day I was tired and frustrated and I got angry with her (not that getting angry helped the situation).
I went to bed, hoping that things wouldn’t become increasingly challenging over the next few years. I had managed to get out of a tumultuous relationship with my daughter’s father, I didn’t want to now have one now with her.
I woke up super early this morning, and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I got out of bed to do yoga and as I was breathing through the asanas, I heard these words that I spoke in anger to my daughter yesterday, “What is wrong with you?” And then the tears flowed down my cheek.
How could I have spoken those words to her? I didn’t ever want her to feel that there was something wrong with who she was. Yes, what she was doing was causing me grief but even then, she was starting to separate herself from me as most kids do at her age. To make matters worse, I had been in a relationship with her father who made me feel that something was wrong with me and now I was making her feel that something was wrong with her. I was victim and villain, simultaneously.
So first, I had to forgive myself for embodying that which I found so difficult in Ex-man. Secondly, I had to finish my yoga practice and wait until my daughter woke up to apologize.
Do you act in ways that are not good for yourself and those around you? Can you recognize those moments and make amends?
The Hero (or Heroine) Within
Marble 17
Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves. Although they may feel very alone during the quest, at its end their reward is a sense of community: with themselves, with other people, and with the earth.
Carol S. Pearson, "The Hero’s Journey"
Yesterday’s marble on the Four Kingdoms of Consciousness reminded me of the above book by Pearson. In it, she describes the six archetypes from which we live our lives: The Innocent, The Orphan, The Wanderer, The Warrior, The Martyr, and The Magician. Each archetype is associated with varied levels of consciousness similar to yesterday’s Four Kingdoms. According to Pearson, “The Innocent and the Orphan set the stage: The Innocent lives in the prefallen state of grace; the Orphan confronts the reality of the Fall…The Wanderer begins the task of finding oneself apart from others; the Warrior learns to fight to defend oneself and to change the world in one's own image; and the Martyr learns to give, to commit, and to sacrifice for others. The progression, then, is from suffering, to self-definition, to struggle, to love.”
There have been many times in the past marble year that I have functioned from various archetypes from orphan to warrior to wanderer but my goal is to recognize the magician inside. The magician looks at every situation, every disappointment, every breakup as “an unfolding of God.” As a magician I can step into the situation of a breakup and ask, “What else can I create?” I can grab a jar of marbles and attempt to dismantle all the places that I still act in ways that are not in line with the magician.
Perhaps this whole year has been a heroine’s journey from the prefallen state of (pseudo) grace of pre-breakup reality, to the orphaned state of being dumped, to the warrior state of wanting to fight back, to the wanderer’s journey down to New Orleans. Oh, and as for the martyr, well unless I can resolve that one, I probably won't be paid for my work as a writer.
Pearson explains how important it is to resolve the closet archetypes. Unless I can give up the orphan's idea that the Magician does magic for me or is an evil force that can victimize me, I can't take responsibility for being a creator of my life. The power of the Magician could be used in a damaging way unless identity and vocation issues are resolved. The Warrior may use the power of the Magician destructively to demonstrate superiority and control over others. And, as suspected, unless the Martyr is resolved it will be difficult to experience the power of the Magician because doing so requires giving up my life "fearlessly to the universe."
And The marbles have been a wanderer’s journey in themselves, identifying where my internal reality of my thoughts and beliefs intersects my external reality of my life. Each marble has brought me closer to embodying the magician within.
Which archetype do you relate to? What can you learn about your life from the archetype that you associate with? (The Hero Within - a very cool read).
For more about archetypes, check out http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Caroline-Myss-How-to-Discover-Who-You-Really-Are
In Carol S. Pearson's words, this is the equanimity I'm stumbling towards:
At this point the Magician learns that life need not be so hard...Magicians believe that in fact we are safe even though we often experience pain and suffering. They are part of life, and ultimately we all are held in God's hand. Similarly, Magicians see that it is an unbalanced focus on giving that creates selfishness. The task is not to be caring of others instead of thinking about oneself, but to learn how to love and care for ourselves as well as our neighbor.
Heroes take journeys, confront dragons, and discover the treasure of their true selves. Although they may feel very alone during the quest, at its end their reward is a sense of community: with themselves, with other people, and with the earth.
Carol S. Pearson, "The Hero’s Journey"
Yesterday’s marble on the Four Kingdoms of Consciousness reminded me of the above book by Pearson. In it, she describes the six archetypes from which we live our lives: The Innocent, The Orphan, The Wanderer, The Warrior, The Martyr, and The Magician. Each archetype is associated with varied levels of consciousness similar to yesterday’s Four Kingdoms. According to Pearson, “The Innocent and the Orphan set the stage: The Innocent lives in the prefallen state of grace; the Orphan confronts the reality of the Fall…The Wanderer begins the task of finding oneself apart from others; the Warrior learns to fight to defend oneself and to change the world in one's own image; and the Martyr learns to give, to commit, and to sacrifice for others. The progression, then, is from suffering, to self-definition, to struggle, to love.”
There have been many times in the past marble year that I have functioned from various archetypes from orphan to warrior to wanderer but my goal is to recognize the magician inside. The magician looks at every situation, every disappointment, every breakup as “an unfolding of God.” As a magician I can step into the situation of a breakup and ask, “What else can I create?” I can grab a jar of marbles and attempt to dismantle all the places that I still act in ways that are not in line with the magician.
Perhaps this whole year has been a heroine’s journey from the prefallen state of (pseudo) grace of pre-breakup reality, to the orphaned state of being dumped, to the warrior state of wanting to fight back, to the wanderer’s journey down to New Orleans. Oh, and as for the martyr, well unless I can resolve that one, I probably won't be paid for my work as a writer.
Pearson explains how important it is to resolve the closet archetypes. Unless I can give up the orphan's idea that the Magician does magic for me or is an evil force that can victimize me, I can't take responsibility for being a creator of my life. The power of the Magician could be used in a damaging way unless identity and vocation issues are resolved. The Warrior may use the power of the Magician destructively to demonstrate superiority and control over others. And, as suspected, unless the Martyr is resolved it will be difficult to experience the power of the Magician because doing so requires giving up my life "fearlessly to the universe."
And The marbles have been a wanderer’s journey in themselves, identifying where my internal reality of my thoughts and beliefs intersects my external reality of my life. Each marble has brought me closer to embodying the magician within.
Which archetype do you relate to? What can you learn about your life from the archetype that you associate with? (The Hero Within - a very cool read).
For more about archetypes, check out http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Caroline-Myss-How-to-Discover-Who-You-Really-Are
In Carol S. Pearson's words, this is the equanimity I'm stumbling towards:
At this point the Magician learns that life need not be so hard...Magicians believe that in fact we are safe even though we often experience pain and suffering. They are part of life, and ultimately we all are held in God's hand. Similarly, Magicians see that it is an unbalanced focus on giving that creates selfishness. The task is not to be caring of others instead of thinking about oneself, but to learn how to love and care for ourselves as well as our neighbor.
The Four Kingdoms
Marble 18
I was recently reading the book, The Thought That Changed My Life Forever, when I came across a section that describes Rev. Michael Beckwith's theory of the four levels of consciousness from which we live our lives:
When I picked up that first marble, 347 marbles ago, I was shifting into “By Me” consciousness and the marbles in between have been aiding me in letting go of the shame, blame, and guilt. More and more, I feel the everyday miracles of spirit working through me, directing me through my intuition. It's still sometimes challenging, when things don't go the way that I'd like them to, to see spirit even in those moments. I'm working on that.
And I may need a few more marbles to experience "As Me" consciousness.
From which kingdom do you live your life? What would it take to move into the next kingdom?
I was recently reading the book, The Thought That Changed My Life Forever, when I came across a section that describes Rev. Michael Beckwith's theory of the four levels of consciousness from which we live our lives:
- In “To Me” Consciousness - I am powerless, God (or whatever) is outside of me doing things to me. This is victim consciousness.
- In “By Me” Consciousness: I'm leaving victimhood behind, as well as shame, blame and guilt. This is like a beginning stage of consciousness. We are beginning to claim and use our power.
- In “Through Me” Consciousness: Spirit is in my life, guiding me and directing me and working through me.
- In “As Me” Consciousness: I am one with Spirit, using It as a tool in my life, as It uses me.
When I picked up that first marble, 347 marbles ago, I was shifting into “By Me” consciousness and the marbles in between have been aiding me in letting go of the shame, blame, and guilt. More and more, I feel the everyday miracles of spirit working through me, directing me through my intuition. It's still sometimes challenging, when things don't go the way that I'd like them to, to see spirit even in those moments. I'm working on that.
And I may need a few more marbles to experience "As Me" consciousness.
From which kingdom do you live your life? What would it take to move into the next kingdom?
So Now I’m Responsible for What?
19 Marbles
The law of attraction attracts to you everything you need, according to the nature of your thought life. Your environment and financial condition are the perfect reflection of your habitual thinking. Thought rules the world.
Joseph Edward Murphy
I remember being in catechism class where a Catholic nun said, “Thinking about a sin is the same thing as following through on the thought.” What? This seemed completely unfair to me. How could thinking about something be the same thing as actually doing it? Thankfully, at that point, I was still fairly innocent and I hadn’t developed a fantasy life that involved compromising situations but even then I couldn’t figure how it was fair that thinking about stealing a chocolate bar was the same as pilfering one.
These days, I’m not around many Catholic nuns, but I am around the belief system that what you think affects your reality in a very physical way. It is reminiscent of the nun’s notion that thought and deed are enmeshed and indistinguishable. As Susan L. Taylor says, “Thoughts are energy, and you can make your world or break your world by your thinking.” So now I’m responsible for what? My every single thought? This is more demanding than my upbringing in Catholicism.
James Allen (1964-1912), pioneer of the self-help movement wrote, “You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” So maybe this idea isn’t as newfangled as I originally thought. But it’s going to take a little bit more than discipline, or the threat of fire and brimstone, to get me consciously aware of what my thought patterns are every waking hour (and I suppose now I’m responsible for my subconscious dreams in my non-waking hours).
You see, I’m a proponent of the (more than) occasional worst case scenario thinking. I like to think of these thoughts as my insurance policy. As I’m moving toward Plan A, I like to keep a vivid Plan B close at hand in my handkerchief pocket. Perhaps this habit doesn’t serve me and is a split of my energy. In addition, I often picture myself dealing with doom and gloom scenarios rather than picturing myself dealing with sunshine, lollipop, and rainbow scenarios. Because of this tendency, a friend recently gave me a t-shirt with a graphic of a girl pulling aside a sombre grey curtain to reveal the blue sky (Check it out http://beta.threadless.com/product/1274/Hey_Mr_Blue_Sky/tab,guys/style,shirt). I love this t-shirt because it’s a reminder that blue skies are always there if I pull back the grey curtain of my thinking.
I can change this pattern of thinking with some awareness and discipline. Goethe once wrote that, “Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.” I’m hoping changing one’s thinking isn’t even more difficult, but then again, that has been what I’ve been engaged in doing, marble by marble, day by day.
Are you responsible for your thought life? Do you believe that what you think leads to your reality? What thought patterns need to be cleaned out of your basement, attic, and cupboards, and closets?
The law of attraction attracts to you everything you need, according to the nature of your thought life. Your environment and financial condition are the perfect reflection of your habitual thinking. Thought rules the world.
Joseph Edward Murphy
I remember being in catechism class where a Catholic nun said, “Thinking about a sin is the same thing as following through on the thought.” What? This seemed completely unfair to me. How could thinking about something be the same thing as actually doing it? Thankfully, at that point, I was still fairly innocent and I hadn’t developed a fantasy life that involved compromising situations but even then I couldn’t figure how it was fair that thinking about stealing a chocolate bar was the same as pilfering one.
These days, I’m not around many Catholic nuns, but I am around the belief system that what you think affects your reality in a very physical way. It is reminiscent of the nun’s notion that thought and deed are enmeshed and indistinguishable. As Susan L. Taylor says, “Thoughts are energy, and you can make your world or break your world by your thinking.” So now I’m responsible for what? My every single thought? This is more demanding than my upbringing in Catholicism.
James Allen (1964-1912), pioneer of the self-help movement wrote, “You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” So maybe this idea isn’t as newfangled as I originally thought. But it’s going to take a little bit more than discipline, or the threat of fire and brimstone, to get me consciously aware of what my thought patterns are every waking hour (and I suppose now I’m responsible for my subconscious dreams in my non-waking hours).
You see, I’m a proponent of the (more than) occasional worst case scenario thinking. I like to think of these thoughts as my insurance policy. As I’m moving toward Plan A, I like to keep a vivid Plan B close at hand in my handkerchief pocket. Perhaps this habit doesn’t serve me and is a split of my energy. In addition, I often picture myself dealing with doom and gloom scenarios rather than picturing myself dealing with sunshine, lollipop, and rainbow scenarios. Because of this tendency, a friend recently gave me a t-shirt with a graphic of a girl pulling aside a sombre grey curtain to reveal the blue sky (Check it out http://beta.threadless.com/product/1274/Hey_Mr_Blue_Sky/tab,guys/style,shirt). I love this t-shirt because it’s a reminder that blue skies are always there if I pull back the grey curtain of my thinking.
I can change this pattern of thinking with some awareness and discipline. Goethe once wrote that, “Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.” I’m hoping changing one’s thinking isn’t even more difficult, but then again, that has been what I’ve been engaged in doing, marble by marble, day by day.
Are you responsible for your thought life? Do you believe that what you think leads to your reality? What thought patterns need to be cleaned out of your basement, attic, and cupboards, and closets?
Genetic Memory
20 Marbles
We begin by moving into a house furnished in part by attitudes, beliefs, and habits passed on to us by our families and by our culture. Some people never make the house their own and so do not develop a distinct identity or style. Those who do take their journeys and (to continue the metaphor) furnish their own houses do so at different paces and different orders.
Carol S. Pearson, "The Hero Within"
I was walking with a friend the other day, talking about exercise and how we both want to move our bodies more in the New Year. I could hear my Grandmother’s voice over my shoulder, “Exercise? What’s that? All of life is exercise.” The concept of having to improve wellness with activities that require physical effort would have been foreign to a woman who had four kids and worked a dairy farm. For her, life was physical effort.
Is it a coincidence that I’m in a job that requires bodily effort? On busy nights, there’s so much lifting and running around that I come home physically exhausted (and I consider myself fit). In psychology, genetic memory “is a process in which a memory is passed down through the generations without the individual having to experience first-hand the topic of the memory.” Is it possible that I have inherited my ancestor’s definition of work? How much of who I am is me? How much is my grandmother’s? I know, it’s not a popular topic in our society. We pride ourselves in our ability to create a life that we want regardless of the history of our families. But is it possible that the history of our families may not just be in the past? Is it possible that that history may be alive in the energy of the present?
What if life were to be easy and fun? Would I still be a member of my family that knew so much hard work? What if my income flowed from my creativity? Would that even be called work? Can I imagine the me who does what she wants to do and gets paid for it? What does that feel like in my body? And, as Richard Bach once queried, "What would I do, if God spoke directly to your face and said, 'I command that you be happy in the world as long as you live.' What would I do then?"
What would you do if your command was to be happy in your life? What would it take for you to be happy?
We begin by moving into a house furnished in part by attitudes, beliefs, and habits passed on to us by our families and by our culture. Some people never make the house their own and so do not develop a distinct identity or style. Those who do take their journeys and (to continue the metaphor) furnish their own houses do so at different paces and different orders.
Carol S. Pearson, "The Hero Within"
I was walking with a friend the other day, talking about exercise and how we both want to move our bodies more in the New Year. I could hear my Grandmother’s voice over my shoulder, “Exercise? What’s that? All of life is exercise.” The concept of having to improve wellness with activities that require physical effort would have been foreign to a woman who had four kids and worked a dairy farm. For her, life was physical effort.
Is it a coincidence that I’m in a job that requires bodily effort? On busy nights, there’s so much lifting and running around that I come home physically exhausted (and I consider myself fit). In psychology, genetic memory “is a process in which a memory is passed down through the generations without the individual having to experience first-hand the topic of the memory.” Is it possible that I have inherited my ancestor’s definition of work? How much of who I am is me? How much is my grandmother’s? I know, it’s not a popular topic in our society. We pride ourselves in our ability to create a life that we want regardless of the history of our families. But is it possible that the history of our families may not just be in the past? Is it possible that that history may be alive in the energy of the present?
What if life were to be easy and fun? Would I still be a member of my family that knew so much hard work? What if my income flowed from my creativity? Would that even be called work? Can I imagine the me who does what she wants to do and gets paid for it? What does that feel like in my body? And, as Richard Bach once queried, "What would I do, if God spoke directly to your face and said, 'I command that you be happy in the world as long as you live.' What would I do then?"
What would you do if your command was to be happy in your life? What would it take for you to be happy?
The Feeling I’m Looking For
21 Marbles
Beyond any list of what I’m looking for in a mate (Marble 30), there’s the feeling of what I’m looking for. It’s not something that can be itemized - it’s an energy. When that energy is absent, it can be so frustrating because the physical requirements of the relationship may be completely fulfilled but there is an intangible essence that is absent. For example, Ex-man and I were kind and generous to each other in bed. This compatibility didn’t translate to the rest of our life and the absence of this energy ultimately led to our relationship’s demise.
When I watch the relationships of friends that work, I see that they are built on love and kindness. I wonder if maybe I should do a retreat to the homes of these friends to simply steep in the energy of their relationships. Sure, I know that they also have disagreements, but it’s the way they negotiate the disagreements that makes their relationships work.
It’s frustrating for me to try to describe an intangible essence that I want as the foundation of my next relationship. There’s a zen koan that says, “If you can say what it is, that’s not it.” It wasn’t until I came across this Hafiz poem that I had a Eureka moment . . .
It happens all the time in heaven
It happens all the time in heaven,
And some day
It will begin to happen
Again on earth -
That men and women who are married,
And men and men who are
Lovers,
And women and women
Who give each other
Light,
Often will get down on their knees
And while so tenderly
Holding their lover's hand,
With tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely speak, saying,
"My dear,
How can I be more loving to you;
How can I be more
Kind?"
--Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky
That’s it! As the Dalai Lama was quoted as saying a couple of marbles ago- no complicated philosophy…our own heart, our own brain is our temple…the philosophy is kindness. When that loving kindness is there, it’s like a warmth that a couple and others can bask in. As Eckhart Tolle writes, “If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. Primary reality is within; secondary reality without.” So if I can hold the energy of what I'm looking for, maybe the rest will fall into place.
What do you want the essence of your next relationship to be? Is this an essence and a space that you already hold for yourself?
Beyond any list of what I’m looking for in a mate (Marble 30), there’s the feeling of what I’m looking for. It’s not something that can be itemized - it’s an energy. When that energy is absent, it can be so frustrating because the physical requirements of the relationship may be completely fulfilled but there is an intangible essence that is absent. For example, Ex-man and I were kind and generous to each other in bed. This compatibility didn’t translate to the rest of our life and the absence of this energy ultimately led to our relationship’s demise.
When I watch the relationships of friends that work, I see that they are built on love and kindness. I wonder if maybe I should do a retreat to the homes of these friends to simply steep in the energy of their relationships. Sure, I know that they also have disagreements, but it’s the way they negotiate the disagreements that makes their relationships work.
It’s frustrating for me to try to describe an intangible essence that I want as the foundation of my next relationship. There’s a zen koan that says, “If you can say what it is, that’s not it.” It wasn’t until I came across this Hafiz poem that I had a Eureka moment . . .
It happens all the time in heaven
It happens all the time in heaven,
And some day
It will begin to happen
Again on earth -
That men and women who are married,
And men and men who are
Lovers,
And women and women
Who give each other
Light,
Often will get down on their knees
And while so tenderly
Holding their lover's hand,
With tears in their eyes,
Will sincerely speak, saying,
"My dear,
How can I be more loving to you;
How can I be more
Kind?"
--Hafiz translated by Daniel Ladinsky
That’s it! As the Dalai Lama was quoted as saying a couple of marbles ago- no complicated philosophy…our own heart, our own brain is our temple…the philosophy is kindness. When that loving kindness is there, it’s like a warmth that a couple and others can bask in. As Eckhart Tolle writes, “If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place. Primary reality is within; secondary reality without.” So if I can hold the energy of what I'm looking for, maybe the rest will fall into place.
What do you want the essence of your next relationship to be? Is this an essence and a space that you already hold for yourself?
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
22 Marbles
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
U2
I feel a certain simpatico with the U2 lyrics relating that which is sought after, still hasn’t been found. At Marble 22 am I where I’d like to be? Not exactly, but I am in a better place than I was 342 Marbles ago.
This is what I have found, as these marbles have dwindled:
And it’s not ever about finding what I’m looking for outside of myself for as George Bernard Shaw wrote, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
What have you discovered since your breakup?
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
U2
I feel a certain simpatico with the U2 lyrics relating that which is sought after, still hasn’t been found. At Marble 22 am I where I’d like to be? Not exactly, but I am in a better place than I was 342 Marbles ago.
This is what I have found, as these marbles have dwindled:
- A strength within me that I didn’t know existed.
- I have reversed the family legacy of single parenthood leading to poverty and victimization (Marble 300)
- I have healed the little girl that thought that being without her daddy or a man to support her and her family would lead to doom (Marble 221)
- I have followed the path of creativity and I have managed to support my family while doing so.
- I have claimed my voice and in doing so, subverted the childhood belief that I didn't have one (Marble 222)
- I have broken the habit of being a serial monogamist and have become aware that being alone doesn’t have to equate to being lonely
- I have found a soft place to fall within myself.
And it’s not ever about finding what I’m looking for outside of myself for as George Bernard Shaw wrote, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
What have you discovered since your breakup?
Acts of Human Kindness
23 Marbles
The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.
Leo Buscaglia
A few days ago as I was rushing out the door to catch the bus for work, I set the house alarm then had the thought, “I’m hungry. I should grab an orange.” I didn’t have time to reset the alarm and grab an orange so I left the house empty handed. When I got to the bus stop, there was an older Asian woman who smiled at me. Then she pulled out an orange and started peeling it. I silently salivated. When she was finished peeling her orange, she offered me a quarter of it. At first I declined but she non-verbally insisted so I accepted. As I bit into the deliciously sweet orange I nodded appreciation. The woman to my side gave me another quarter and I graciously accepted. All this transpired as our bus waited at the red light right by our stop.
The woman’s wordless gift of an orange did more than feed my body. It may seem like a stretch but it’s timeliness also fed my spirit. Maybe it’s because I observe a world that is becoming more and more dependent on technology that when another human reaches out to a stranger with an act of kindness, it has a heart-warming effect.
Since her simple act, I’ve become more aware of these types of exchanges. This morning when a woman was collecting bottles, I let her into the garage to get at my stash as I went into the house to bag the remaining empties. Her gratitude for this simple act was touching. I’ve also noticed that when I take myself on my run with the intention to smile at passersby, the result is boomerangs of smiles coming right back at me.
So what can we do to combat an age when social graces seem to be waning while connecting through technology waxes? Perhaps we take a page from the Dalai Lama’s playbook who says, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” Thankfully, acts of kindness can also be transported through technology.
What happens when you make an effort to be present and connect with the people you contact during your day? What happens when you add a dash of kindness into your connections?
The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises.
Leo Buscaglia
A few days ago as I was rushing out the door to catch the bus for work, I set the house alarm then had the thought, “I’m hungry. I should grab an orange.” I didn’t have time to reset the alarm and grab an orange so I left the house empty handed. When I got to the bus stop, there was an older Asian woman who smiled at me. Then she pulled out an orange and started peeling it. I silently salivated. When she was finished peeling her orange, she offered me a quarter of it. At first I declined but she non-verbally insisted so I accepted. As I bit into the deliciously sweet orange I nodded appreciation. The woman to my side gave me another quarter and I graciously accepted. All this transpired as our bus waited at the red light right by our stop.
The woman’s wordless gift of an orange did more than feed my body. It may seem like a stretch but it’s timeliness also fed my spirit. Maybe it’s because I observe a world that is becoming more and more dependent on technology that when another human reaches out to a stranger with an act of kindness, it has a heart-warming effect.
Since her simple act, I’ve become more aware of these types of exchanges. This morning when a woman was collecting bottles, I let her into the garage to get at my stash as I went into the house to bag the remaining empties. Her gratitude for this simple act was touching. I’ve also noticed that when I take myself on my run with the intention to smile at passersby, the result is boomerangs of smiles coming right back at me.
So what can we do to combat an age when social graces seem to be waning while connecting through technology waxes? Perhaps we take a page from the Dalai Lama’s playbook who says, “This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” Thankfully, acts of kindness can also be transported through technology.
What happens when you make an effort to be present and connect with the people you contact during your day? What happens when you add a dash of kindness into your connections?
Overload
24 Marbles
There is a Boddhisattva, whose name Avalokitesvara…means: "Listening deeply to the sound of the cries of the world". And listening deeply is the practice of mindfullness. But if you are full of pain, full of anxiety, full of projections, and especially full of prejudices, full of ideas and notions, it may be very difficult for you to practice deep listening. You are too full. And that is why to practice in order for you to have space, to have freedom within, to have some joy within is very important for deep listening. Avalokitesvara… practices deep listening to herself, and to the world, outside. She practices touching with her ears.
Thich Nhat Hanh
The Christmas season can feel like a month of white water rafting. As my naturopath explains it, “As all of nature goes inward, we start to go out.” Yep, as delightful a season as it is, there is something unnatural about it that leaves me, once I’ve settled into the New Year, feeling overloaded. It’s time to put my paddle and raft aside and start touching with my ears.
It starts simply as a sense of malaise that I usually misdiagnose as PHSD (Post holiday season depression). The symptoms range from disinterest in almost everything, a heavy feeling upon waking, and a longing for being anywhere except for where I am. When I’ve misdiagnosed the malady, I’ve gone into a sense of feeling that there was something wrong with me. It feels like a depressed dissatisfaction and the accompanying mind chatter can go, “You’ve just had an amazing holiday season and you’re still not satisfied?” I can also try to point a finger at elements in my life and judge them as being the reason for my mood. In this process I’m a bit like a dog chasing her tail but when I get tired enough of this, I stop chasing my tail and stay still. Stillness was all I really wanted.
I tend to withdraw for a period of time and that extra space allows me to reconnect with myself and refocus my attention inward. I get back to the routines (such as a regular yoga practice) that have been derailed by the holiday season. The good news is that I enjoy this time with myself. The better news is that when I take time with myself I can reenter the world feeling revived.
Do you know when you're being signaled to take some time with yourself? Can you give yourself permission to take the time you need?
There is a Boddhisattva, whose name Avalokitesvara…means: "Listening deeply to the sound of the cries of the world". And listening deeply is the practice of mindfullness. But if you are full of pain, full of anxiety, full of projections, and especially full of prejudices, full of ideas and notions, it may be very difficult for you to practice deep listening. You are too full. And that is why to practice in order for you to have space, to have freedom within, to have some joy within is very important for deep listening. Avalokitesvara… practices deep listening to herself, and to the world, outside. She practices touching with her ears.
Thich Nhat Hanh
The Christmas season can feel like a month of white water rafting. As my naturopath explains it, “As all of nature goes inward, we start to go out.” Yep, as delightful a season as it is, there is something unnatural about it that leaves me, once I’ve settled into the New Year, feeling overloaded. It’s time to put my paddle and raft aside and start touching with my ears.
It starts simply as a sense of malaise that I usually misdiagnose as PHSD (Post holiday season depression). The symptoms range from disinterest in almost everything, a heavy feeling upon waking, and a longing for being anywhere except for where I am. When I’ve misdiagnosed the malady, I’ve gone into a sense of feeling that there was something wrong with me. It feels like a depressed dissatisfaction and the accompanying mind chatter can go, “You’ve just had an amazing holiday season and you’re still not satisfied?” I can also try to point a finger at elements in my life and judge them as being the reason for my mood. In this process I’m a bit like a dog chasing her tail but when I get tired enough of this, I stop chasing my tail and stay still. Stillness was all I really wanted.
I tend to withdraw for a period of time and that extra space allows me to reconnect with myself and refocus my attention inward. I get back to the routines (such as a regular yoga practice) that have been derailed by the holiday season. The good news is that I enjoy this time with myself. The better news is that when I take time with myself I can reenter the world feeling revived.
Do you know when you're being signaled to take some time with yourself? Can you give yourself permission to take the time you need?
If You Wax it, They will Come
25 Marbles
Keep all your attention in the present moment – refrain from living in the past of worrying about the future. Learn to trust what you cannot see far more than what you can see.
Caroline Myss
A friend of mine just got a full Brazilian job before going on a date. I consider this a lot of pain for a girl to endure but she told me that it’s like her dating good luck charm. I responded, “If you wax it, they will come?” (Yep, there’s a double entendre there.)
What lengths will girls/women/females go to in the name of dating? It’s been a while, but when I was getting ready for a date I’d do my toenails, style my hair, make sure my fingernails are presentable, shave any unwanted hair away, and wait for inspiration as to which outfit I’d wear. Considering that most men just shower and shave (if you’re lucky), I wonder, why the obsessiveness on the part of women?
I’ve come to recognize that the preparation is less for the other person and more for myself. I wouldn’t have people over for dinner without tidying the house, likewise I wouldn’t go on a date without tidying myself. Furthermore, when I date women, I still ready myself in the same manner. It’s a form of self respect.
I guess it all comes down to intention. If the intention is to appear perfect to a perspective partner, that may be cited for false advertising. If it’s like a dating ablution, a ceremonial readying of the self, it becomes part of the excitement of meeting and spending time with another person. That person may be a poor fit, but he/she may also be a potential lover or a even a life’s partner. No pressure.
Okay, I think there’s a bit of trepidation about entering the dating scene again. There’s not even a full layer of marbles at the bottom of my jar and I’m 24 of them away from going back to New Orleans to visit dude again. The marbles have been awesome but they’ve also been a safeguard against intimacy with anyone other than myself. As a mother there are more considerations when dating and, as dude in New Orleans has shown me, there are those people that may be fine for me but not a match for my family. As well, the dating scene has changed - the abundance of people dating online has led to the FOMO phenomenon (Fear of Missing Out) in which singles will power through prospective dates because there’s always another warm body (possibly hotter body) available out in cyberspace. Some feel like they're the moth and internet dating is the chandelier, and in Richard Bach's words, "There were lots of pretty choices, but I wasn't quite sure where to fly."
There have been 341 Marbles since the heartbreak of Ex-man’s moving out. That’s thankfully enough space to know that not all dating leads to a relationship…leads to an end…leads to pain. Yet there’s still a teensy weensy little voice that asks, “Why would you want to subject yourself to that again?” Okay, the peanut gallery adds, “Isn’t being single pretty great? Less headaches? Less heartaches?” Neil Gaiman, head of the peanut gallery writes, “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
So what’s a girl who’s losing her marbles to do? Take each day, marble by marble, remember to breathe.
Can you “keep all attention in the present moment”? Can you “trust what you cannot see far more than what you can see”?
Keep all your attention in the present moment – refrain from living in the past of worrying about the future. Learn to trust what you cannot see far more than what you can see.
Caroline Myss
A friend of mine just got a full Brazilian job before going on a date. I consider this a lot of pain for a girl to endure but she told me that it’s like her dating good luck charm. I responded, “If you wax it, they will come?” (Yep, there’s a double entendre there.)
What lengths will girls/women/females go to in the name of dating? It’s been a while, but when I was getting ready for a date I’d do my toenails, style my hair, make sure my fingernails are presentable, shave any unwanted hair away, and wait for inspiration as to which outfit I’d wear. Considering that most men just shower and shave (if you’re lucky), I wonder, why the obsessiveness on the part of women?
I’ve come to recognize that the preparation is less for the other person and more for myself. I wouldn’t have people over for dinner without tidying the house, likewise I wouldn’t go on a date without tidying myself. Furthermore, when I date women, I still ready myself in the same manner. It’s a form of self respect.
I guess it all comes down to intention. If the intention is to appear perfect to a perspective partner, that may be cited for false advertising. If it’s like a dating ablution, a ceremonial readying of the self, it becomes part of the excitement of meeting and spending time with another person. That person may be a poor fit, but he/she may also be a potential lover or a even a life’s partner. No pressure.
Okay, I think there’s a bit of trepidation about entering the dating scene again. There’s not even a full layer of marbles at the bottom of my jar and I’m 24 of them away from going back to New Orleans to visit dude again. The marbles have been awesome but they’ve also been a safeguard against intimacy with anyone other than myself. As a mother there are more considerations when dating and, as dude in New Orleans has shown me, there are those people that may be fine for me but not a match for my family. As well, the dating scene has changed - the abundance of people dating online has led to the FOMO phenomenon (Fear of Missing Out) in which singles will power through prospective dates because there’s always another warm body (possibly hotter body) available out in cyberspace. Some feel like they're the moth and internet dating is the chandelier, and in Richard Bach's words, "There were lots of pretty choices, but I wasn't quite sure where to fly."
There have been 341 Marbles since the heartbreak of Ex-man’s moving out. That’s thankfully enough space to know that not all dating leads to a relationship…leads to an end…leads to pain. Yet there’s still a teensy weensy little voice that asks, “Why would you want to subject yourself to that again?” Okay, the peanut gallery adds, “Isn’t being single pretty great? Less headaches? Less heartaches?” Neil Gaiman, head of the peanut gallery writes, “Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
So what’s a girl who’s losing her marbles to do? Take each day, marble by marble, remember to breathe.
Can you “keep all attention in the present moment”? Can you “trust what you cannot see far more than what you can see”?
Polyamory
26 Marbles
I change my mind so much I need two boyfriends and a girlfriend.
Pink
I work with a man who is in an open marriage. They are polyamorous (they have more than one open romantic relationship at a time) - he has a girlfriend and his wife has a girlfriend. I admire their honesty as I also know people who are in "monogamous relationships" but have affairs. I’m just amazed this couple manages to juggle two kids, two jobs, and two significant others when I have difficulty juggling work, school, and children. They must be time management gurus.
I’m curious about the myriad ways that people live their lives. Often we get stuck into the assumption that monogamy is the only alternative. Yet this couple is happy, they love each other, they’ve been together over a dozen years, their kids are great and they’re honest with each other. He’s even said that I should call up his (hot) wife some time and get together and, all 26 marbles aside, I’ve resisted the offer. It’s not that I don’t understand the concept of loving more than one person at a time, I just know that my clit bone is connected to my heart bone. I would want more.
When I first became sexually active, I was a kilted Catholic schoolgirl. But times have changed and so have I. I have to thank Savage Love (the weekly sex-advice column written by Dan Savage) for expanding what I’ve thought was normal and possible when it comes to sex and relationships. Dude from New Orleans also helped out with his view that sex is playtime for adults. I’ve experienced many types of sex from the sacred, to the hot, to the fun and, as the marbles dwindle, I’m open to more...
Have you ever read Savage Love? Check it out: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15701114
I change my mind so much I need two boyfriends and a girlfriend.
Pink
I work with a man who is in an open marriage. They are polyamorous (they have more than one open romantic relationship at a time) - he has a girlfriend and his wife has a girlfriend. I admire their honesty as I also know people who are in "monogamous relationships" but have affairs. I’m just amazed this couple manages to juggle two kids, two jobs, and two significant others when I have difficulty juggling work, school, and children. They must be time management gurus.
I’m curious about the myriad ways that people live their lives. Often we get stuck into the assumption that monogamy is the only alternative. Yet this couple is happy, they love each other, they’ve been together over a dozen years, their kids are great and they’re honest with each other. He’s even said that I should call up his (hot) wife some time and get together and, all 26 marbles aside, I’ve resisted the offer. It’s not that I don’t understand the concept of loving more than one person at a time, I just know that my clit bone is connected to my heart bone. I would want more.
When I first became sexually active, I was a kilted Catholic schoolgirl. But times have changed and so have I. I have to thank Savage Love (the weekly sex-advice column written by Dan Savage) for expanding what I’ve thought was normal and possible when it comes to sex and relationships. Dude from New Orleans also helped out with his view that sex is playtime for adults. I’ve experienced many types of sex from the sacred, to the hot, to the fun and, as the marbles dwindle, I’m open to more...
Have you ever read Savage Love? Check it out: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15701114
Swallowing Snakes
27 Marbles
Act on inner guidance, and give up your need for “proof” that your inner guidance is authentic. The more you ask for proof, the less likely you are to receive any.
Caroline Myss
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw
Again in class today, my prof reiterated the importance of “pedigree” - the long list of writing credits a writer needs to establish credibility in the TV and Film Biz. She made it sound like when “omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.”(Yeah, that'd be Shakespeare.)
There’s something about the word pedigree that just rubs me the wrong way. Not only does it make us sound like a bunch of dogs, it sounds so elitist. I’m pretty sure that the American market is much more open to the idea of something really good coming out of left field. After all, that’s part of the American dream - with hard work and a dose of smarts and creativity, success is possible. Maybe part of the problem is that I’m not wanting the Canadian dream - I’m wanting the American dream.
So rather than getting overwhelmed with the impossibility of my goals, today I remember my mantra that helps me get back to the basics of what’s needed to get my show on the air - “It just has to get into the right hands.” It’s as simple as that. I need to do the work to get it to a point that it is ready to be pitched and when it’s ready, it just has to get into the right hands. There are producers, broadcasters, cast, and crew that would love to work on a steamy drama, I just have to find the next right set of hands to start the ball rolling.
Whenever I get in a situation where I’m told that I’m playing the lotto odds, I come back to the basics and repeat,”It just has to get into the right hands.” The only thing I ask for is guidance and clarity so I’m able to recognize those hands. So think me a fool for having such hope. It doesn’t bother me. I’ll never have the regret of not following my dreams. I’ll never have the feeling that I’ve lived someone else’s life.
In John Kehoe’s book, Mind Power into the 21st Century, he relays a Zen parable of a foolish peasant who went to his master’s house. At the house, the peasant was offered some soup but before he drank it, he noticed a snake floating on the surface of the soup. He decided to drink the soup anyway to avoid being impolite. The next day he became sick and went back to his master’s house. This time he was offered medicine in a bowl but when he noticed another snake he said, “There was a snake in my soup yesterday and that’s what made me sick in the first place.” The master roared with laughter and pointed to a bow that was hanging from the ceiling. The master said, “There is no snake - you’re only seeing the reflection from the bow.” The peasant left the master’s house without drinking the medicine but regained his health that same day. As John Kehoe writes, “When we accept limitations about ourselves and our world we have swallowed imaginary mental snakes. And they are always real…until we find out otherwise.”
What snakes are you swallowing? What limitations about yourself have you accepted? What limitations are you willing to let go?
Act on inner guidance, and give up your need for “proof” that your inner guidance is authentic. The more you ask for proof, the less likely you are to receive any.
Caroline Myss
You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw
Again in class today, my prof reiterated the importance of “pedigree” - the long list of writing credits a writer needs to establish credibility in the TV and Film Biz. She made it sound like when “omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries.”(Yeah, that'd be Shakespeare.)
There’s something about the word pedigree that just rubs me the wrong way. Not only does it make us sound like a bunch of dogs, it sounds so elitist. I’m pretty sure that the American market is much more open to the idea of something really good coming out of left field. After all, that’s part of the American dream - with hard work and a dose of smarts and creativity, success is possible. Maybe part of the problem is that I’m not wanting the Canadian dream - I’m wanting the American dream.
So rather than getting overwhelmed with the impossibility of my goals, today I remember my mantra that helps me get back to the basics of what’s needed to get my show on the air - “It just has to get into the right hands.” It’s as simple as that. I need to do the work to get it to a point that it is ready to be pitched and when it’s ready, it just has to get into the right hands. There are producers, broadcasters, cast, and crew that would love to work on a steamy drama, I just have to find the next right set of hands to start the ball rolling.
Whenever I get in a situation where I’m told that I’m playing the lotto odds, I come back to the basics and repeat,”It just has to get into the right hands.” The only thing I ask for is guidance and clarity so I’m able to recognize those hands. So think me a fool for having such hope. It doesn’t bother me. I’ll never have the regret of not following my dreams. I’ll never have the feeling that I’ve lived someone else’s life.
In John Kehoe’s book, Mind Power into the 21st Century, he relays a Zen parable of a foolish peasant who went to his master’s house. At the house, the peasant was offered some soup but before he drank it, he noticed a snake floating on the surface of the soup. He decided to drink the soup anyway to avoid being impolite. The next day he became sick and went back to his master’s house. This time he was offered medicine in a bowl but when he noticed another snake he said, “There was a snake in my soup yesterday and that’s what made me sick in the first place.” The master roared with laughter and pointed to a bow that was hanging from the ceiling. The master said, “There is no snake - you’re only seeing the reflection from the bow.” The peasant left the master’s house without drinking the medicine but regained his health that same day. As John Kehoe writes, “When we accept limitations about ourselves and our world we have swallowed imaginary mental snakes. And they are always real…until we find out otherwise.”
What snakes are you swallowing? What limitations about yourself have you accepted? What limitations are you willing to let go?
Every Marble Miracles
28 Marbles
People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.
Thich Nhat Hanh
I went to a Seane Corn yoga workshop today. God, I love that woman – what’s not to love about a potty-mouthed yoga guru? Sometimes I find that yogis can be far too ethereal for my liking. This woman is open, grounded, and très funny. Another thing that I like about her is that she creates a level playing field by dressing simply in a black lycra camisole and leggings – no fancy designer yoga togs, no expensive labels.
Today’s session was called “Everyday Miracles” and she talked about how Spirit conspires to give us exactly what we need to grow, heal, and thrive. She shared some stories of flow in her life, particularly at the time when her father was dying. I recalled the dehydrated flowers that I received after my own father’s death (Marble 272). I also thought of all the signs that I’ve been given as I’ve grown through these 365 marbles. Every Marble Miracles.
After an intense yoga session, I left the room feeling joyful - my spirit was inspired, and my body was satisfied. I decided to head into the market area and look around at what the vendors had to offer. When I got in the large room, it was packed with people hawking their wares to their potential customers. I was offered samples of energy drinks, chai tea, and smoothies, asked if I wanted a psychic reading or a new yoga studio membership. I came upon a jeweler selling medals like the ones that I used to have growing up as a Catholic but these were of Hindu deities. I overheard a loud woman talking to the jeweler, “I want Ganesh on a gold chain, Vishnu in silver, and Lakshmi on a leather cord cut so it comes to here on my neck.” As I stood by slightly amused, she pointed at the exact spot she needed her necklace to fall. Ching, ching, and $800 later the woman was closer to enlightenment. It was time for me to leave.
Sure, I understand that we all need to feed our families but was it a coincidence that in the adjacent room there was a franchise convention in progress? As I walked by that convention I chuckled – I had just experienced the franchise of yoga.
Can you decipher between a judgment and an awareness? For me, when I feel a judgment about something, there is a charge to it and a decision about rightness or wrongness. With an awareness, it's observing and knowing how things are.
Check out one of my fave Seane Corn stories: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Seane-Corns-First-Lesson-in-Yoga/1
People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.
Thich Nhat Hanh
I went to a Seane Corn yoga workshop today. God, I love that woman – what’s not to love about a potty-mouthed yoga guru? Sometimes I find that yogis can be far too ethereal for my liking. This woman is open, grounded, and très funny. Another thing that I like about her is that she creates a level playing field by dressing simply in a black lycra camisole and leggings – no fancy designer yoga togs, no expensive labels.
Today’s session was called “Everyday Miracles” and she talked about how Spirit conspires to give us exactly what we need to grow, heal, and thrive. She shared some stories of flow in her life, particularly at the time when her father was dying. I recalled the dehydrated flowers that I received after my own father’s death (Marble 272). I also thought of all the signs that I’ve been given as I’ve grown through these 365 marbles. Every Marble Miracles.
After an intense yoga session, I left the room feeling joyful - my spirit was inspired, and my body was satisfied. I decided to head into the market area and look around at what the vendors had to offer. When I got in the large room, it was packed with people hawking their wares to their potential customers. I was offered samples of energy drinks, chai tea, and smoothies, asked if I wanted a psychic reading or a new yoga studio membership. I came upon a jeweler selling medals like the ones that I used to have growing up as a Catholic but these were of Hindu deities. I overheard a loud woman talking to the jeweler, “I want Ganesh on a gold chain, Vishnu in silver, and Lakshmi on a leather cord cut so it comes to here on my neck.” As I stood by slightly amused, she pointed at the exact spot she needed her necklace to fall. Ching, ching, and $800 later the woman was closer to enlightenment. It was time for me to leave.
Sure, I understand that we all need to feed our families but was it a coincidence that in the adjacent room there was a franchise convention in progress? As I walked by that convention I chuckled – I had just experienced the franchise of yoga.
Can you decipher between a judgment and an awareness? For me, when I feel a judgment about something, there is a charge to it and a decision about rightness or wrongness. With an awareness, it's observing and knowing how things are.
Check out one of my fave Seane Corn stories: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Seane-Corns-First-Lesson-in-Yoga/1
New Orleans Revisited
29 Marbles
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
Anaïs Nin
Dude from New Orleans called me yesterday. His friend went back to Costa Rica and now he’s inviting me down for Mardi Gras at the end of the month (Yep, I know, he’s got a bit of a revolving door). When I think of my ideal mate list, I know that he doesn’t quite feel right (although he does have many of the attributes on the list). Yet despite the mini-drama with the other woman, it’s not like I can’t trust him. I can trust him to be who he is but I know that, in the long-run, who he is won’t fit with who I am.
I passed the idea of me going to New Orleans by Ex-man and, because his landscaping biz is slow right now, he said, “We’ll work it out.” Still not sure why there seems to be more “we” in his universe now that we’re not together when “we” was such a challenge when we were together. Yet why do I even go there? Happily, that’s not really my concern anymore.
I had to look at my school timetable to see if I could swing it. Because two of my courses are online this term, it makes the trip more of a possibility. I have a field study due for my Earth and Ocean Science course but when I emailed my prof, she told me that I could do the field study while I was there. That idea got me excited so I searched the internet and found a prof from Tulane University who gives tours of the (failed) levy system. Apparently this and the subsequent report would qualify for my field research. Yay!
I still had to figure out the financing for the adventure - I don’t want to go into debt to go to Mardi Gras - that just doesn’t feel right. Then I thought of a wee investment that I have that’s just sitting there, doing nothing. If I cash it in, it should cover my expenses while I’m there.
So after a few phone calls, some emails, and some online booking, I’ve decided to fly south to visit dude and check out Mardi Gras. I’ve also been clear with dude where I’m at and what his expectations for the visit can be. Not sure why, but it feels like our circle is not complete. I know I'm supposed to be there with dude once more.
Do you trust your intuition enough to do things that don't always seem logical? Or does your logical mind always trump your intuitive side? What would happen if both sides got to be heard?
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
Anaïs Nin
Dude from New Orleans called me yesterday. His friend went back to Costa Rica and now he’s inviting me down for Mardi Gras at the end of the month (Yep, I know, he’s got a bit of a revolving door). When I think of my ideal mate list, I know that he doesn’t quite feel right (although he does have many of the attributes on the list). Yet despite the mini-drama with the other woman, it’s not like I can’t trust him. I can trust him to be who he is but I know that, in the long-run, who he is won’t fit with who I am.
I passed the idea of me going to New Orleans by Ex-man and, because his landscaping biz is slow right now, he said, “We’ll work it out.” Still not sure why there seems to be more “we” in his universe now that we’re not together when “we” was such a challenge when we were together. Yet why do I even go there? Happily, that’s not really my concern anymore.
I had to look at my school timetable to see if I could swing it. Because two of my courses are online this term, it makes the trip more of a possibility. I have a field study due for my Earth and Ocean Science course but when I emailed my prof, she told me that I could do the field study while I was there. That idea got me excited so I searched the internet and found a prof from Tulane University who gives tours of the (failed) levy system. Apparently this and the subsequent report would qualify for my field research. Yay!
I still had to figure out the financing for the adventure - I don’t want to go into debt to go to Mardi Gras - that just doesn’t feel right. Then I thought of a wee investment that I have that’s just sitting there, doing nothing. If I cash it in, it should cover my expenses while I’m there.
So after a few phone calls, some emails, and some online booking, I’ve decided to fly south to visit dude and check out Mardi Gras. I’ve also been clear with dude where I’m at and what his expectations for the visit can be. Not sure why, but it feels like our circle is not complete. I know I'm supposed to be there with dude once more.
Do you trust your intuition enough to do things that don't always seem logical? Or does your logical mind always trump your intuitive side? What would happen if both sides got to be heard?
Ideal Mate
30 Marbles
My marble collection in the jar on my windowsill is depleting, day by day, marble by marble. So after great deliberation, a friend finally convinced me to write down some of the attributes that I’d like to find in an ideal mate. Her logic is that if you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you’ve found it. So here goes…
Ideal Mate:
Good with my kids, a contribution to their lives
Fun
Open-minded, open-hearted
Good sharer/generous
Good dancer, musical?
Takes care of body, exercises and balances this with a deeper/spiritual side
Clever, good at verbal sparring
Self-assured yet not cocky
Good with money
Nice to look at – smile in eyes
Good, generous lover that enjoys sex on many levels (not just athletically)
Kindred
Follows dreams/goals
Available i.e. not married/attached
Allows me to follow my guidance, my own path without trying to control me
Loves that I’m a woman
Speaks another language but also speaks my language
Loves travel
Is in same geographic area or is willing to relocate
Non-smoker
Now that I’ve got this list, I’m not quite sure about it. It seems a bit pat. I’d also like to leave some room for life to surprise me with things that I didn’t even know that I wanted or needed. When I think of any of my life changes like finding a new job or a new home, I remember how I often go by instinct. When choosing between two employers I have chosen, not because of some list of qualities, but because one felt like it might be a better fit. And sometimes you decide to date someone and all their amazing attributes unfold over time. So sure, I’ll have a “list” but I will also leave space for the element of surprise.
What would your ideal mate list look like? Can you have an intention of what you want but leave space for the element of surprise?
PS Notes from five years later - magically my lover and mate has all of the attributes on this list...and more.
My marble collection in the jar on my windowsill is depleting, day by day, marble by marble. So after great deliberation, a friend finally convinced me to write down some of the attributes that I’d like to find in an ideal mate. Her logic is that if you don’t know what you’re looking for, how will you know when you’ve found it. So here goes…
Ideal Mate:
Good with my kids, a contribution to their lives
Fun
Open-minded, open-hearted
Good sharer/generous
Good dancer, musical?
Takes care of body, exercises and balances this with a deeper/spiritual side
Clever, good at verbal sparring
Self-assured yet not cocky
Good with money
Nice to look at – smile in eyes
Good, generous lover that enjoys sex on many levels (not just athletically)
Kindred
Follows dreams/goals
Available i.e. not married/attached
Allows me to follow my guidance, my own path without trying to control me
Loves that I’m a woman
Speaks another language but also speaks my language
Loves travel
Is in same geographic area or is willing to relocate
Non-smoker
Now that I’ve got this list, I’m not quite sure about it. It seems a bit pat. I’d also like to leave some room for life to surprise me with things that I didn’t even know that I wanted or needed. When I think of any of my life changes like finding a new job or a new home, I remember how I often go by instinct. When choosing between two employers I have chosen, not because of some list of qualities, but because one felt like it might be a better fit. And sometimes you decide to date someone and all their amazing attributes unfold over time. So sure, I’ll have a “list” but I will also leave space for the element of surprise.
What would your ideal mate list look like? Can you have an intention of what you want but leave space for the element of surprise?
PS Notes from five years later - magically my lover and mate has all of the attributes on this list...and more.
Quantum Marbles
31 Marbles
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
Plutarch (46-120 CE)
All is quiet - it’s New Year’s day. Time to take inventory of what I want to get rid of in my life and what I want to keep. But what if what I want to get rid of is my whole way of being?
Recently I read an article by Dr. Joe Dispenza that made me think of this marble year in a whole new light. According to Dispenza, “Newtonian (classical) physics was about trying to anticipate and predict events.” He says when the external environment controls your internal environment (the way you think and feel), that’s the cause and effect of Newtonian Physics.
At 365 Marbles, my internal environment was being strongly affected by the external environment of a breakup. Marble by marble, I’ve been trying to make a shift in my internal environment. In Dispenza’s words, “You want to change your internal environment and then see how the external environment is altered by your efforts. That’s putting the quantum model of reality into action.”
Furthermore, Dispenza suggests employing the power of gratitude in the process by giving thanks for something that exists in the quantum field before it has happened in reality. By doing so, you move to “causing an effect (changing something inside of you to produce an effect outside of you.)”
I unwittingly engaged this process when I embarked on the marble journey. I had faith and a sense of gratitude that however raw I was feeling post breakup would not be how I would always feel. Now I get to stop and appreciate that 335 Marbles later, my belief became a reality and I am feeling whole. The next step would be to know that I was whole regardless of what was happening in my external environment. This is the inner peace that still eludes me. As Eckhart Tolle writes, “Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.” But I’m not a Jedi yet. Not quite a Jedi yet.
May all your marbles be quantum marbles…
Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy
Things do not change; we change.
Henry David Thoreau
What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
Plutarch (46-120 CE)
All is quiet - it’s New Year’s day. Time to take inventory of what I want to get rid of in my life and what I want to keep. But what if what I want to get rid of is my whole way of being?
Recently I read an article by Dr. Joe Dispenza that made me think of this marble year in a whole new light. According to Dispenza, “Newtonian (classical) physics was about trying to anticipate and predict events.” He says when the external environment controls your internal environment (the way you think and feel), that’s the cause and effect of Newtonian Physics.
At 365 Marbles, my internal environment was being strongly affected by the external environment of a breakup. Marble by marble, I’ve been trying to make a shift in my internal environment. In Dispenza’s words, “You want to change your internal environment and then see how the external environment is altered by your efforts. That’s putting the quantum model of reality into action.”
Furthermore, Dispenza suggests employing the power of gratitude in the process by giving thanks for something that exists in the quantum field before it has happened in reality. By doing so, you move to “causing an effect (changing something inside of you to produce an effect outside of you.)”
I unwittingly engaged this process when I embarked on the marble journey. I had faith and a sense of gratitude that however raw I was feeling post breakup would not be how I would always feel. Now I get to stop and appreciate that 335 Marbles later, my belief became a reality and I am feeling whole. The next step would be to know that I was whole regardless of what was happening in my external environment. This is the inner peace that still eludes me. As Eckhart Tolle writes, “Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.” But I’m not a Jedi yet. Not quite a Jedi yet.
May all your marbles be quantum marbles…
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