Dinner Conversation

140 Marbles

    Today while I was having a normal dinner conversation with my kids, in between pass the carrots and telling my son to sit down while he was eating, he spilled the beans about his Dad dating.  His sister shot him a warning glance but it didn’t work. 
    I tried to sound nonchalant as they proceeded to tell me how they hated the woman and her young daughter, how their Dad was the first unmarried man she’s ever dated, how she really wanted a “nuclear family” so she wasn’t so keen on them being around, how she was a “closeted lesbian” - all the details I took with a grain of salt.  I also heard how she had just been looking for directions one day while she walked by their house and came in to use the phone.  She looked around and asked Ex-man where his wife was (he keeps a very homey house) and when he mentioned that he was single, the deal was on (although if my kids were right, it sounds like the deal would have been on even if he weren’t single).  
    It was somewhat challenging to remain neutral with the barrage of information that made my stomach feel like it was being pummeled. I tried to sound chipper when I told them that she’d probably grow on them and that they probably wouldn’t like anyone their Dad or me dated at first.  I cited kids who they knew that didn’t like the stepparents at first but grew to love them eventually.  I said all these things without the aid of my best poker face (which admittedly isn’t great) so I’m pretty sure they saw through my veneer of optimism. 
    Later when they were occupied doing the dinner dishes, I went in my room and had a quick and quiet cry. What the hell?  I’m at the “rebuilding” stage of the process.  Why does this bother me?  I wish I could just get on with my life already.  I cried a few tears of frustration that I was still being affected by what Ex-man chose to do with his life.  And I was jealous.  It would be heck of a lot easier to move on if I were the first one to be dating but because of marbles, that wasn’t a possibility. 
    So I’m human and at times frail. So what?  I tried to soften the place that was judging myself for not being okay with it.

What would it take for you to be okay with your X dating (if you're not already)?  What would it take for you to be okay with not feeling okay with X dating? What if his dating opens a space for you to invite more into your life?   

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