Holiday by the Sea

233 Marbles

    Last night I had a dream that Ex-man and I were on a white, sandy beach lying on beach chairs in the tropical sun.  I was so happy to be there with him (clearly he wasn’t EX-man yet) and I turned to him and said, “Thank you so much for bringing me here.” Then I KISSED him.  All of this seemed perfectly normal in my dream and it was so real that when I woke up, I was hot like I’d been sitting in the sun and I was sure that my shoulders were sunburnt.  Darn!  The sheer terror sets in - the realization that despite my efforts, I obviously have not let go of Ex-man yet. 
    Yet this dream holds more significance.  Not that long ago when we were still together, Ex-man went away with a buddy to a five-star resort in the Caribbean, paid for by the buddy for a landscaping job Ex-man had done.  When he returned, he was rejuvenated and promised that he’d take me away to a resort so we could enjoy some time together.  I was keen on the idea as we hadn’t been away together in years.  He started looking for deals and I opened my mouth and suggested that if I added some of my savings to the pot, we could upgrade our accommodations.  This didn’t go over well,  I was told that I was not being gracious and that I was making him feel inadequate.  His wound of inadequacy crashed with my wound of trying to prove my worthiness and killed the whole idea of the vacation. 
    Yet there we were in my subconscious mind of my dream, sitting on the beach, without kids, in love?  Baffling, really.  My subconscious self was appreciative for being where he took me, maybe not just on a holiday, but in life.  Ex-man fathered two of my kids and I couldn’t have gone on that particular trip with my particular kids without him. For that, he deserves my gratitude. Hey, I'm not saying that I'm able to give it to him right now, but I'm aware that I'd like to get to the place where I can. 

Do you need to be grateful for where you’ve been before you can let go and be where you are?  Where are you going? What would it take for you to stay in gratitude for X?