Friends?

229 Marbles –
Breaking up is a natural evolution when you try to figure out what you want in life. If you’re with an individual who isn’t moving in the same direction and at the same rate that you are, it isn’t going to work.
Usher Raymond

    My daughter is starting to give me attitude.  I think she’s felt the breakup the hardest of the kids.  She found out about the breakup by hearing Ex-man and me argue behind closed doors about when to tell them.  He wanted to wait.  I wanted to tell them because I believed they were picking up on the tension and pretending that everything was okay would not be respecting their awareness.  Our daughter got out of her bed and came downstairs to hear our hushed argument.  She found out the hard way. 
    I understand why my daughter is frustrated, disappointed, and confused but it is starting to translate into disrespectful behavior.  I needed someone to talk to and I called my clear-thinking friend, feeling guilty that I’ve leaned on her too much in the past few months.  She relayed how she saw me, how challenging this past year has been with my father’s death, the breakup, juggling school, work, handling my Mom’s affairs.  She wasn’t trying to cast me in a victim role as much as much as confirm that it’s been a bit of a rough patch.  Together, we talked through some strategic ways to handle my daughter’s moods while supporting her during this time of transition. 
    It was such a relief to have a sounding board, a soft place to fall, a good friend.  It made me think of Ex-man and my relationship in a new light.  Sure, we’d known each other and been “friends” since we were fourteen, but were we really friends?  In a universal sense, maybe yes.  He had been one of my biggest challenges.  He had criticized me at times when all I needed was to have someone on my side.  He has said really lousy things to me but hey, I’ve said nasty things to him as well (and yes, we were probably voicing each others' insecurities).  But are these actions of the type of friend who I want to have in my life? The type of friend/partner that I want to be? No. 
    Realizing this was a bit of a revelation.  Ex-man has said that he missed our friendship, but that friendship may have been the expression of the friend he could be, not an expression of the type of friend I needed.  I have some good friends in my life and I am always humbled by their compassion, generosity, and love.  

    Then I remembered my mother’s old refrain whenever I expressed frustration about my father’s inability to connect, “You don’t understand your father.  He can only give what he can give.” And she was right.  When I was little I could only take what I was given but now I can ask for a partner that is able to give more. The type of friend that I need.
    Mark this day on the calendar – 229 Marbles – the day I realized that my father wasn’t really the type of father that I needed and surprise – Ex-man wasn’t the type of friend and partner that I wanted.

I fell for Ex-man and then started feeding on whatever it was he was cooking up. What would it take for me to decide what I want from a relationship and then invite the person who matches that to come into my life? What would it take for you to do the same?