Mama is a Squeezebox

231 Marbles
Why stay we on the earth except to grow?
Robert Browning

    Yesterday’s little incident with Ex-man has made me conscious of how often I contract myself in everyday situations.  The common feeling of “being punched in the stomach” is synonymous with a turtle consistently retreating into its shell at any sign of perceived danger.  It’s as if my stomach and environs get knotted up (it’s not a great feeling). As I said, this can happen at random; yesterday it happened when I perceived that I was being excluded from an event.  Regardless of the whys of my ability to be the incredible shrinking woman, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice that I make to get small. 
    I’m not exactly sure how I decided that this particular adaptation was a good idea.  When I ask the question, I see a familiar scene of my older sister engaged in a fight with my father when I was young.  I would often hide under the bed to avoid the fallout (maybe I’ve been hiding ever since).  Regardless of the hows of this adaptation, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice in my present day to get small or to remain big. 
    I wonder if it is a lack of confidence that makes me so affected by my environment and the people around me.  Confidence is defined as firm trust, the feeling of certainty, and boldness.  Sometimes I associate with these attributes and sometimes I don’t - it depends on whether I’m feeling big or small.  Is it possible that I could stay confident regardless of what’s happening around me? 
    I have often been described as being sensitive.   I now know that it doesn’t mean that I’ll break out in tears with the least provocation but more that I’m aware of the underlying energy in situations.  As a result, I’m like an accordion:  I get big, I get small, I get big, I get small.  The worst part about it is all of this expanding and contracting doesn’t even produce a good tune. 
   
How much do you choose to allow other people’s behavior (including X’s) affect how you're feeling?  What would it take for you to not let them/him have that power?  What would it take for you to stay big and present no matter what is happening around you? 

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