231 Marbles
Why stay we on the earth except to grow?
Robert Browning
Yesterday’s little incident with Ex-man has made me conscious of how often I contract myself in everyday situations. The common feeling of “being punched in the stomach” is synonymous with a turtle consistently retreating into its shell at any sign of perceived danger. It’s as if my stomach and environs get knotted up (it’s not a great feeling). As I said, this can happen at random; yesterday it happened when I perceived that I was being excluded from an event. Regardless of the whys of my ability to be the incredible shrinking woman, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice that I make to get small.
I’m not exactly sure how I decided that this particular adaptation was a good idea. When I ask the question, I see a familiar scene of my older sister engaged in a fight with my father when I was young. I would often hide under the bed to avoid the fallout (maybe I’ve been hiding ever since). Regardless of the hows of this adaptation, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice in my present day to get small or to remain big.
I wonder if it is a lack of confidence that makes me so affected by my environment and the people around me. Confidence is defined as firm trust, the feeling of certainty, and boldness. Sometimes I associate with these attributes and sometimes I don’t - it depends on whether I’m feeling big or small. Is it possible that I could stay confident regardless of what’s happening around me?
I have often been described as being sensitive. I now know that it doesn’t mean that I’ll break out in tears with the least provocation but more that I’m aware of the underlying energy in situations. As a result, I’m like an accordion: I get big, I get small, I get big, I get small. The worst part about it is all of this expanding and contracting doesn’t even produce a good tune.
How much do you choose to allow other people’s behavior (including X’s) affect how you're feeling? What would it take for you to not let them/him have that power? What would it take for you to stay big and present no matter what is happening around you?
Why stay we on the earth except to grow?
Robert Browning
Yesterday’s little incident with Ex-man has made me conscious of how often I contract myself in everyday situations. The common feeling of “being punched in the stomach” is synonymous with a turtle consistently retreating into its shell at any sign of perceived danger. It’s as if my stomach and environs get knotted up (it’s not a great feeling). As I said, this can happen at random; yesterday it happened when I perceived that I was being excluded from an event. Regardless of the whys of my ability to be the incredible shrinking woman, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice that I make to get small.
I’m not exactly sure how I decided that this particular adaptation was a good idea. When I ask the question, I see a familiar scene of my older sister engaged in a fight with my father when I was young. I would often hide under the bed to avoid the fallout (maybe I’ve been hiding ever since). Regardless of the hows of this adaptation, I’m becoming aware that it is a choice in my present day to get small or to remain big.
I wonder if it is a lack of confidence that makes me so affected by my environment and the people around me. Confidence is defined as firm trust, the feeling of certainty, and boldness. Sometimes I associate with these attributes and sometimes I don’t - it depends on whether I’m feeling big or small. Is it possible that I could stay confident regardless of what’s happening around me?
I have often been described as being sensitive. I now know that it doesn’t mean that I’ll break out in tears with the least provocation but more that I’m aware of the underlying energy in situations. As a result, I’m like an accordion: I get big, I get small, I get big, I get small. The worst part about it is all of this expanding and contracting doesn’t even produce a good tune.
How much do you choose to allow other people’s behavior (including X’s) affect how you're feeling? What would it take for you to not let them/him have that power? What would it take for you to stay big and present no matter what is happening around you?
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