99 Marbles
99 Marbles to go in the jar, 99 Marbles to go
Take one down, pass it around,
98 Marbles to go in the jar
Double-digit marbles. Yippee! My jar of marbles is dwindling and I can see the bottom in sight. Back in real life, it’s day three of the cleanse and I’m getting used to it (apart from my constant hunger). The hardest thing for me is not having sugar or chocolate. I can do without coffee/alcohol as I don’t really drink it, I don’t drink sodas or juices, but chocolate? Will it taste too sweet when I finally get to eat it?
This morning as I noted my flushing digestive system, I asked myself what else I wanted to flush from my system. After 267ish marbles of consciously letting go of Ex-man and my life with him, and rebuilding a life that I want, I wonder what am I still holding on to?
I got quiet for a moment and an answer came, “You’re still holding onto the idea that he left you twice in your life.” Yep, I am. This idea makes me sad. This idea makes me feel like the little girl whose Dad kept flying away on airplanes. This idea keeps me small and makes me feel less like an active creator of my life and more like a victim.
Today I try to think of the breakup in a new light. When we were younger it was because Ex-man felt that we were headed in different directions and he couldn’t fathom our two paths mingling. When we were older and had kids, the relationship wasn’t working. It was fundamentally flawed and counsel as we might, we couldn’t fix it. He did me a favor by giving me my freedom.
I feel my resistance to greeting this new point of view, “But, but the injustice: leaving me with three kids, in school, slinging hash in a restaurant.” Hmmm, the victim rears her nasty head.
In his book, The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo writes, “In order to keep the fire for justice burning, we need to keep burning our wounds open as perpetual evidence.” He says that in doing so “we become our own version of Prometheus, having our innards eaten daily by some large bird of woundedness.” Guilty as charged.
Apparently part of me likes feeling small, but why? Is it because if I step fully into my life I’ll feel like I’ll have to do everything on my own? I’ll have to take full responsibility? This feels like part of it, but the truth is that when I’m in flow, things just fall into place and I do what I need to or get the aid that I need. I can blow up that fear. Is it that I want to make Ex-man responsible for the breakup and the hurt? Yes, partly, but by now I know that I can’t make him feel or do anything and by trying to do so, I’m obstructing my own healing process.
The question is, can I let it go? Let’s try. Quietly I get inside my heart and say, “Thank you, friend, for being brave enough to let go of a love that wasn’t working. It took courage and I appreciate it.” I feel a little sunshine in my heart and I know that I’m on my way to finally letting go of the hurt.
Do you still blame yourself for the breakup? Do you blame your ex? What is the value of holding on to being the perpetrator? What is the value of holding onto being the victim? Can you forgive yourself and your ex, knowing that the past couldn’t have been any different?
99 Marbles to go in the jar, 99 Marbles to go
Take one down, pass it around,
98 Marbles to go in the jar
Double-digit marbles. Yippee! My jar of marbles is dwindling and I can see the bottom in sight. Back in real life, it’s day three of the cleanse and I’m getting used to it (apart from my constant hunger). The hardest thing for me is not having sugar or chocolate. I can do without coffee/alcohol as I don’t really drink it, I don’t drink sodas or juices, but chocolate? Will it taste too sweet when I finally get to eat it?
This morning as I noted my flushing digestive system, I asked myself what else I wanted to flush from my system. After 267ish marbles of consciously letting go of Ex-man and my life with him, and rebuilding a life that I want, I wonder what am I still holding on to?
I got quiet for a moment and an answer came, “You’re still holding onto the idea that he left you twice in your life.” Yep, I am. This idea makes me sad. This idea makes me feel like the little girl whose Dad kept flying away on airplanes. This idea keeps me small and makes me feel less like an active creator of my life and more like a victim.
Today I try to think of the breakup in a new light. When we were younger it was because Ex-man felt that we were headed in different directions and he couldn’t fathom our two paths mingling. When we were older and had kids, the relationship wasn’t working. It was fundamentally flawed and counsel as we might, we couldn’t fix it. He did me a favor by giving me my freedom.
I feel my resistance to greeting this new point of view, “But, but the injustice: leaving me with three kids, in school, slinging hash in a restaurant.” Hmmm, the victim rears her nasty head.
In his book, The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo writes, “In order to keep the fire for justice burning, we need to keep burning our wounds open as perpetual evidence.” He says that in doing so “we become our own version of Prometheus, having our innards eaten daily by some large bird of woundedness.” Guilty as charged.
Apparently part of me likes feeling small, but why? Is it because if I step fully into my life I’ll feel like I’ll have to do everything on my own? I’ll have to take full responsibility? This feels like part of it, but the truth is that when I’m in flow, things just fall into place and I do what I need to or get the aid that I need. I can blow up that fear. Is it that I want to make Ex-man responsible for the breakup and the hurt? Yes, partly, but by now I know that I can’t make him feel or do anything and by trying to do so, I’m obstructing my own healing process.
The question is, can I let it go? Let’s try. Quietly I get inside my heart and say, “Thank you, friend, for being brave enough to let go of a love that wasn’t working. It took courage and I appreciate it.” I feel a little sunshine in my heart and I know that I’m on my way to finally letting go of the hurt.
Do you still blame yourself for the breakup? Do you blame your ex? What is the value of holding on to being the perpetrator? What is the value of holding onto being the victim? Can you forgive yourself and your ex, knowing that the past couldn’t have been any different?
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