96 Marbles
I had to drop kids off at Ex-man’s yesterday and I left his house knowing there was still a charge around seeing him (my stomach was as tight as a fiddle string). The guy gets on my nerves - no way around it. Not sure if I’m more upset at myself for choosing to be with him for so long, or upset at him for, well, for just being who he is.
Yesterday it was a number of bothersome things he said in the course of “polite conversation” including that his new car was even better than mine in the snow. Do I care that his car is better than mine? No. But for some reason I care that he framed it in a competitive way that is reminiscent of the undertone of our relationship.
But is there a way around him getting on my nerves? Yes, not seeing him ever would probably help but with kids, that’s impossible. Besides avoidance isn’t a form of healing - I think it’s best to go into the belly of the beast.
A friend with whom I shared the scenario asked what would happen if I allowed him to win? What would happen if I was a failure in his eyes? Both of these questions were charged for me so I still seem to be pretty plugged into the old Ex-man and, yes, competing with him. Could I silently say, "You win, I lose" every time I see/talk to him until that notion has no charge to it? Until that statement feels light?
I had to drop kids off at Ex-man’s yesterday and I left his house knowing there was still a charge around seeing him (my stomach was as tight as a fiddle string). The guy gets on my nerves - no way around it. Not sure if I’m more upset at myself for choosing to be with him for so long, or upset at him for, well, for just being who he is.
Yesterday it was a number of bothersome things he said in the course of “polite conversation” including that his new car was even better than mine in the snow. Do I care that his car is better than mine? No. But for some reason I care that he framed it in a competitive way that is reminiscent of the undertone of our relationship.
But is there a way around him getting on my nerves? Yes, not seeing him ever would probably help but with kids, that’s impossible. Besides avoidance isn’t a form of healing - I think it’s best to go into the belly of the beast.
A friend with whom I shared the scenario asked what would happen if I allowed him to win? What would happen if I was a failure in his eyes? Both of these questions were charged for me so I still seem to be pretty plugged into the old Ex-man and, yes, competing with him. Could I silently say, "You win, I lose" every time I see/talk to him until that notion has no charge to it? Until that statement feels light?
Despite my efforts, it appears it’s a process, day by day, marble by marble. Another thing I can do is to take a page from my own marble playbook and be grateful for what Ex-man is instead of what he isn’t (Marble 100). He is a good dad - I know too many women who are trying to co-parent with dead-beat dads and Ex-man is far from that. He’s present and engaged with our kids and I definitely can appreciate him for that.
In the meantime, as the marbles drop, I’ll continue to unravel why what he isn’t still bothers me. Perhaps it is more about what he wasn’t, but my goal is to have him be able to say one hundred foolish things and to not allow any of them to trigger me.
If you’re still in contact with your ex, is he/she still able to trigger you? Even if you’re not in contact, does the thought of your ex make you contract or react in any way? What would it take to unplug from him/her?
In the meantime, as the marbles drop, I’ll continue to unravel why what he isn’t still bothers me. Perhaps it is more about what he wasn’t, but my goal is to have him be able to say one hundred foolish things and to not allow any of them to trigger me.
If you’re still in contact with your ex, is he/she still able to trigger you? Even if you’re not in contact, does the thought of your ex make you contract or react in any way? What would it take to unplug from him/her?
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