120 Marbles
Make the most of your regrets; never smother your
sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and
integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.
Henry David Thoreau
Last night’s dream took me to the small prairie city where I lived with my ex-husband. We were together in my dream, surrounded by his close-knit clan. I woke up this morning feeling regret. I don’t regret our parting of ways, but I do regret not being able to be happy in the relationship, not being able to make him happy. My dream reminded me how safe I felt with him. When we parted, it was a bit scary - like the ship leaving the safe harbor.
Shortly after we divorced, I re-united with Ex-man (about ten years after we had been together in high school). We loved each other but our relationship had a darker side. He would retreat, I would pursue. It was a chicken or the egg dance: somehow I thought if I pushed hard enough, I could make him take me in but the more I pushed, the more distant he became. I became so angry at his emotional distance that eventually I sought counseling and anger management (clearly, this didn't help the dynamic). Thankfully, that was many years ago but if I knew then what I know now, I would have given him his distance, not taken it so personally, and waited till he came to me.
In hindsight, the relationship was about unpacking what was in my deepest, darkest closets. There’s a preschool song, “It’s cleanup time, cleanup time, everybody cleanup time.” My relationship with Ex-man was like psychic clean up time. I had a teacher who used to say, “You only do the hard work, the heavy lifting, when there’s lots of love.” By those standards, Ex-man and I loved each other a lot – it just didn’t always feel like love.
My dream last night put me right back to the simpler days of being married into the cocoon of my ex-husband’s family. When I awoke, I was filled with nostalgia – the bittersweet longing for things of the past. This is not to say that I want my ex-husband back – he was not for me and I am grateful to see him happily married. My longing is more about the lost feeling I had with my ex-husband: the feeling of being taken in by another person; the feeling that someone’s got my back; and the feeling that I’m not on my own.
Yep, I know that this whole journey has probably been leading toward feeling safe at my core and not relying on anyone else for my sense of security, but hey, I can wish that the waters could have been a little calmer, can’t I?
Last night’s dream took me to the small prairie city where I lived with my ex-husband. We were together in my dream, surrounded by his close-knit clan. I woke up this morning feeling regret. I don’t regret our parting of ways, but I do regret not being able to be happy in the relationship, not being able to make him happy. My dream reminded me how safe I felt with him. When we parted, it was a bit scary - like the ship leaving the safe harbor.
Shortly after we divorced, I re-united with Ex-man (about ten years after we had been together in high school). We loved each other but our relationship had a darker side. He would retreat, I would pursue. It was a chicken or the egg dance: somehow I thought if I pushed hard enough, I could make him take me in but the more I pushed, the more distant he became. I became so angry at his emotional distance that eventually I sought counseling and anger management (clearly, this didn't help the dynamic). Thankfully, that was many years ago but if I knew then what I know now, I would have given him his distance, not taken it so personally, and waited till he came to me.
In hindsight, the relationship was about unpacking what was in my deepest, darkest closets. There’s a preschool song, “It’s cleanup time, cleanup time, everybody cleanup time.” My relationship with Ex-man was like psychic clean up time. I had a teacher who used to say, “You only do the hard work, the heavy lifting, when there’s lots of love.” By those standards, Ex-man and I loved each other a lot – it just didn’t always feel like love.
My dream last night put me right back to the simpler days of being married into the cocoon of my ex-husband’s family. When I awoke, I was filled with nostalgia – the bittersweet longing for things of the past. This is not to say that I want my ex-husband back – he was not for me and I am grateful to see him happily married. My longing is more about the lost feeling I had with my ex-husband: the feeling of being taken in by another person; the feeling that someone’s got my back; and the feeling that I’m not on my own.
Yep, I know that this whole journey has probably been leading toward feeling safe at my core and not relying on anyone else for my sense of security, but hey, I can wish that the waters could have been a little calmer, can’t I?
I become aware that I'm resisting regret. Regret is defined as, "1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. 2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different." That's exactly what I'm feeling about my ex-husband but regret goes against my belief that every choice I've made has brought me to where I am therefore no choice should be judged as a mistake. Nonetheless, regret is knocking so I decide to let it in, just to see what happens.
As I lay in bed, awash in my feeling of nostalgia and regret, I asked, “Hey subconscious - why the dreams? Can’t I just be in the present without having to go back and feel the loss of what’s gone before?”
The answer came quick as lightning, “Make peace with where you’ve been before and then you will be truly present.”
Huh? I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that to make peace, I have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for leaving a warm, loving relationship. Then I remembered hearing a fitting definition of forgiveness, “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that things could have been any different.”
When I sit in this forgiveness, my regret drains and I know that I couldn’t have made different choices. I’m exactly where I need to be.
As I lay in bed, awash in my feeling of nostalgia and regret, I asked, “Hey subconscious - why the dreams? Can’t I just be in the present without having to go back and feel the loss of what’s gone before?”
The answer came quick as lightning, “Make peace with where you’ve been before and then you will be truly present.”
Huh? I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that to make peace, I have to forgive myself. Forgive myself for leaving a warm, loving relationship. Then I remembered hearing a fitting definition of forgiveness, “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that things could have been any different.”
When I sit in this forgiveness, my regret drains and I know that I couldn’t have made different choices. I’m exactly where I need to be.
Breakups can be a fertile garden of regret: wishing that you never chose him/her; wishing that you tried harder; wishing you hadn't ignored that niggling intuition; wishing that you'd left earlier; wishing that you hadn't left - just to name a few. The question is: How can you make peace with the past so you can be present in the now? And, is there something regret can teach you? (Hint: the answer's not to never love again.)
Nora Ephron wrote in Heartburn, "And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The dream dies.
Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you can
go off, like a fool, and dream another dream".
What is your new dream?
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