Ghosts of Halloween Past

93 Marbles
What do sad people have in common?
It seems they have all built a shrine to the past
And often they go there and do a strange wail and worship.
Hafiz (translation by Daniel Ladinsky)

    Another holiday, another round of negotiations with Ex-man.  This year I didn’t know if it was a good idea for me to take the night off work to do the trick-or-treating rounds with my kids and the ex, but when I talked with my kids, it was unanimous: I was trick-or-treating.  I switched shifts and worked during the day and Ex-man kindly offered to make dinner for us before we headed out. The kids got all dressed up in their costumes and we all ventured out into the ghoulish streets. 
    What I didn’t expect to encounter were all the ghosts of past Halloweens when Ex-man and I were still together.  I’ll admit, I was nostalgic:  I remembered when our daughter was Rapunzel and her braids kept getting caught in her stroller wheels, I remembered when our youngest son was the soccer-playing Beckham with the ball reaching all the way up to his little knees, I remembered our fireworks displays... then my trip down memory lane was cut short when I remembered the dynamite of our relationship. Keeping our family together came at too great a cost. 
    In the West we have the saying “The only things that are certain are death and taxes” but the classic Chinese text the I Ching suggests that the only thing that is certain is change. Change becomes tricky when we resist it or try to hold on to what has come before.  As I walked the streets with the ghosts of Halloween past I reminded myself to just be present. I was able to enjoy the evening more with all my energy in the present.
    It was Ex-man’s night with the kids so after trick-or-treating, I didn’t go back home with my kids, check their candy, remove their make-up and tuck the goblins into bed.  I missed the traditional bedtime viewing of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” Instead, I went over to a friend’s house who was having a Halloween party.  It wasn’t better or worse.  It was just different. Who knows what the ghosts of Halloween future will bring?

Do you have challenges staying present during the holidays? Do you reminisce or kvetch about the past? Do you fast forward to the future? What would help you stay present and positive with the post breakup holiday landscape? 

PS Halloween and cleanses don't exactly mix, but at this point my chocolate cravings have subsided. 

Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad Wolf?

94 Marbles

Part of my strength as an actor comes from what I've learned all these years: when you play a villain, you try to get the light touches; when you play a hero, you try to get in some of the warts.
John Forsythe

    A friend from work lent me a Little Red Riding Hood and the Big, Bad Wolf costumes for Halloween. Not sure which one I’ll choose - the "good girl" or the "bad guy". Maybe I should wear both the wolf’s mask under the red riding hood - more of a Taoist statement of the balancing act: you can’t have one without the other.  Within the hero lurks a villain, within the villain exists a hero. 
    It’s become clear to me, over the last 271 marbles,  that once the antagonist was removed from the story, I was forced to acknowledge the antagonist within myself.  It was time to face my inner Big, Bad Wolf.  According to Dara Mark’s, author of The Inside Story, this is the heroine’s journey.  Whereas the hero’s journey is and exterior adventure where one encounters transformational forces and returns a victor, the heroine’s journey is a delving inside in a discovery of who we really are.  Times of “death,” like a breakup, are a perfect opportunity to embark on a personal heroine’s journey.
    Lately, my heroine’s journey has made me aware of my negative mind that has the microphone a little too often for my liking.  I recently heard Pastor Joel Osteen say, “Whatever you say after ‘I am’ will come looking for you.” I’ve heard this belief expressed many times but never so succinctly.  He continued to explain that the best indicator of where you will be in five years is the thoughts and beliefs you have today. The challenge is to recognize negative thoughts when they enter my awareness and override them with a positive “I am” statement. This is a tad trickier than it would seem. It’s a bit like living with mice in your home for years only to decide that they’re no longer welcome. There’s a lot of cleanup work to be done and those darn rodents are persistent - they keep coming back to nest.
    Today I played with new “I am” statements. When I noticed myself going into an insecure place, I said, “I am secure,” and “I am confident.” Oddly, this simple sleight of mind seemed to do the trick to shift my mood. It’s time to start using my mind as an ally. 

Where do you see yourself in five years? Do your thoughts now reflect your dream reality? If not, what would it take to shift your thoughts to fit your aspirations and goals?

Last Hike of the Season

95 Marbles

If you live each day as if it was your last, one day you will be right.
Steve Jobs

    In my part of the world, the hiking season is coming to a close.  Soon the snow will close the mountain to pedestrians (except for the diehards with crampons who sneak around the fences).  At this time of year I start running more, but not before I take the last hike of the season. 
    Recently, I’ve been opting for the more scenic, less popular trail up the mountain.  It’s not as heavily marked as the other trail which has signs marking every quarter. On the path less traveled by, you know that others have gone before you, but you have to watch for the triangular markers so you don’t wander off the path.  
    The new trail has numbers on the markers, but I don’t know what the number is at the top. It’s kind of like life, really. What if each of the markers represented a year of my life? What would the number be at the finish? What would I do if I knew, say, I was halfway through my life?  Sometimes because of my age, I presume that I’m halfway through life but of course I don’t know.
    So I take my cue from Steve Jobs, a man who walked before. I get out of my head and onto the trail. I take time to look at the beauty around me, caring less about how far I have to go and more about where I am.

What would it be like if we knew our DOB and our DOD (date of death)?  How would we live differently? 

Tenacious Triggers

96 Marbles

    I had to drop kids off at Ex-man’s yesterday and I left his house knowing there was still a charge around seeing him (my stomach was as tight as a fiddle string). The guy gets on my nerves - no way around it. Not sure if I’m more upset at myself for choosing to be with him for so long, or upset at him for, well, for just being who he is. 
    Yesterday it was a number of bothersome things he said in the course of “polite conversation” including that his new car was even better than mine in the snow. Do I care that his car is better than mine? No. But for some reason I care that he framed it in a competitive way that is reminiscent of the undertone of our relationship.
    But is there a way around him getting on my nerves? Yes, not seeing him ever would probably help but with kids, that’s impossible. Besides avoidance isn’t a form of healing - I think it’s best to go into the belly of the beast.
    A friend with whom I shared the scenario asked what would happen if I allowed him to win? What would happen if I was a failure in his eyes? Both of these questions were charged for me so I still seem to be pretty plugged into the old Ex-man and, yes, competing with him. Could I silently say, "You win, I lose" every time I see/talk to him until that notion has no charge to it? Until that statement feels light?

    Despite my efforts, it appears it’s a process, day by day, marble by marble. Another thing I can do is to take a page from my own marble playbook and be grateful for what Ex-man is instead of what he isn’t (Marble 100). He is a good dad - I know too many women who are trying to co-parent with dead-beat dads and Ex-man is far from that. He’s present and engaged with our kids and I definitely can appreciate him for that.
    In the meantime, as the marbles drop, I’ll continue to unravel why what he isn’t still bothers me. Perhaps it is more about what he wasn’t, but my goal is to have him be able to say one hundred foolish things and to not allow any of them to trigger me.

If you’re still in contact with your ex, is he/she still able to trigger you? Even if you’re not in contact, does the thought of your ex make you contract or react in any way? What would it take to unplug from him/her?

One Week to Go

97 Marbles
If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

    Day five of the cleanse and all is well. My chocolate and bread cravings have subsided and despite eating plentifully and well, I’m losing a bit of weight around my middle and my thighs. What I’ve noticed is the cleanse is making me mindful of what I eat and more appreciative of the flavors in my food. Yesterday I was conscious that I definitely need to slow down when I’m eating so I’m trying to make mindful, conscious eating part of my daily ritual.   
    Another way that I slow down when I’m feeling life’s busyness is to take myself out to my garden. Ex-man is a landscaper so one of the best gifts was to design a garden so that I could sow new plants and flowering bulbs.  The breakup happened before he was able to bring all the soil so many of the plants and bulbs were sown too shallow and after some time and soil erosion, the roots have appeared on the surface.  Note to self: get a soil delivery in the spring. 
    This year when the flowers bloomed, they toppled over from lack of support so today, I took each of the bulbs and dug them deeper into the earth.  As I was re-sowing, I thought, “Now you have support.  Next year you can grow straight and strong.  Your roots are protected and you have everything you need.”  And that’s exactly what I’m doing this year.  I’m gathering everything that I need and I’m staying grounded and rooted so I can flower.

George Bernard Shaw wrote, “The best place to find God is in a garden. You can dig for him there.” Do you have a little patch of garden that you cultivate?  If not, what would it take to grow plants, have a plot in a community garden, or carve out a garden in your yard?

Toxins

98 Marbles
In minds crammed with thoughts, organs clogged with toxins, and bodies stiffened with neglect, there is just no space for anything else.
 Alison Rose Levy, health writer, journalist

    I brought some brown rice into work and asked the chef to cook me a stir-fry with veggies and salmon for my cleanse. The chef said, “You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you eat well, you’re not fat - what is there to cleanse?” “Toxins, sugar, and way too much bread” I answered. He shook his head - in his opinion, I was already clean, and “not fat” (whatever that means).
    Many women in our society have an interesting relationship with food and our bodies.  According to the documentary, MissRepresentation, 53% of 13 year-old girls are unhappy with their bodies. By the time they are 17, that number jumps to 78%. When I was in my teens, I was anorexic then bulimic but because of a grace greater than myself, somehow that dis-ease quit me. Yet at 85, when my father was dying because of his decision to abstain from food, I was surprised to have a dream where his emaciated self asked me the question, “When will you nourish yourself?” I awoke slightly confused, wondering two things: Why he was asking me; and how I could nourish myself any better than I already did without swinging to the extreme of becoming an organic food Nazi.  Sure, I could eat more slowly, but I’ve come so far in my relationship with my food and my body.  
    This cleanse has made me conscious of how I tend to be less discerning about the emotions that I hold in my body.  I hold onto so many toxic emotions and thoughts – anger, frustration, and judgment, loss, just to name a few.  I wouldn’t think of sitting down and eating a tub of ice cream but somehow I allow the emotional equivalent into my space without even thinking about it. 
    I’m not quite sure of how to change this tendency of mine.  If I were having an issue with food, I think first I’d observe my patterns, when I get triggered to eat, etc.  So here with my negative thoughts and emotions,  I need to observe the patterns and then decide how I can let go of what’s no longer healthy for me. Ultimately the goal is to walk in the world with an open heart.

What would it take to make the space in your mind, your organs, and your bodies so you could walk in the world with an open heart?

Day Three

99 Marbles
99 Marbles to go in the jar, 99 Marbles to go
Take one down, pass it around,
98 Marbles to go in the jar

    Double-digit marbles. Yippee! My jar of marbles is dwindling and I can see the bottom in sight.  Back in real life, it’s day three of the cleanse and I’m getting used to it (apart from my constant hunger).  The hardest thing for me is not having sugar or chocolate.  I can do without coffee/alcohol as I don’t really drink it, I don’t drink sodas or juices, but chocolate?  Will it taste too sweet when I finally get to eat it?
    This morning as I noted my flushing digestive system, I asked myself what else I wanted to flush from my system.  After 267ish marbles of consciously letting go of Ex-man and my life with him, and rebuilding a life that I want, I wonder what am I still holding on to? 
     I got quiet for a moment and an answer came, “You’re still holding onto the idea that he left you twice in your life.”  Yep, I am. This idea makes me sad.  This idea makes me feel like the little girl whose Dad kept flying away on airplanes.  This idea keeps me small and makes me feel less like an active creator of my life and more like a victim. 
     Today I try to think of the breakup in a new light.  When we were younger it was because Ex-man felt that we were headed in different directions and he couldn’t fathom our two paths mingling.  When we were older and had kids, the relationship wasn’t working.  It was fundamentally flawed and counsel as we might, we couldn’t fix it.  He did me a favor by giving me my freedom. 
     I feel my resistance to greeting this new point of view, “But, but the injustice: leaving me with three kids, in school, slinging hash in a restaurant.”  Hmmm, the victim rears her nasty head. 
     In his book, The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo writes, “In order to keep the fire for justice burning, we need to keep burning our wounds open as perpetual evidence.”  He says that in doing so “we become our own version of Prometheus, having our innards eaten daily by some large bird of woundedness.” Guilty as charged.
     Apparently part of me likes feeling small, but why?  Is it because if I step fully into my life I’ll feel like I’ll have to do everything on my own?  I’ll have to take full responsibility? This feels like part of it, but the truth is that when I’m in flow, things just fall into place and I do what I need to or get the aid that I need. I can blow up that fear.  Is it that I want to make Ex-man responsible for the breakup and the hurt?  Yes, partly, but by now I know that I can’t make him feel or do anything and by trying to do so, I’m obstructing my own healing process. 
     The question is, can I let it go? Let’s try.  Quietly I get inside my heart and say, “Thank you, friend, for being brave enough to let go of a love that wasn’t working.  It took courage and I appreciate it.”  I feel a little sunshine in my heart and I know that I’m on my way to finally letting go of the hurt.

Do you still blame yourself for the breakup? Do you blame your ex? What is the value of holding on to being the perpetrator? What is the value of holding onto being the victim? Can you forgive yourself and your ex, knowing that the past couldn’t have been any different? 

Enjoying Who People Are...

100 Marbles
…Instead of Who They Aren’t

     So I have a confession that should have been in the letting go phase of this blog, but perhaps this cleanse is about more letting go. Yesterday I was talking with a friend about a woman who I recently met. I noticed myself honing in on a quality that I didn’t like - her lack of generosity with money.  She was a guest of my friend and I noticed that my friend was constantly paying for her. The woman never offered to contribute and I found that attribute annoying. I felt that even if the woman wasn’t flush with funds, there were ways to be generous and grateful that didn’t require cash.  I judged the woman using my yardstick of  what I would have done in the situation, then I caught myself, ruler in hand.
     Let’s go back to the dozen years that I spent with Ex-man…when we’d meet new people socially, Ex-man would often talk, after we'd left the gathering, about what he didn’t like about them. I found this trait vexing as I’d think to myself, “Who is perfect to your standards?”  Most of Ex-man’s friends were his pals from high school, and being human, none of them were perfect. I felt that his attitude toward new people kept his social circle small and his judgments prevented new friends from entering his world. In addition, it put a negative slant on my excitement about meeting new people.  Alas, there I was yesterday, engaged in the same behavior.
     When I think about letting go of the ability to see (what I see as) people’s character flaws, I note a resistance. Surely, this discernment is there to protect me from charlatans of all sorts entering my life, is it not? But perhaps it disallows too many people from being a contribution to my life, and vice versa. 
     I decided to be open to who people are instead of who they aren’t. With my friend’s guest, why put the spotlight on the one thing that I didn’t like about her when she had so many qualities that were admirable and fun. My pernicious behavior tends to keep my world small with the underlying message, “Unless you’re perfect, you cannot enter my world.” Ironically, by these standards, I can’t be in my world either. 

There’s an expression, “Energy flows where the attention goes.” Do you tend to focus on what you love about people rather than what you don’t? If you were more accepting of yourself would you naturally be more accepting of others?

12-Day Cleanse

Rebuilding…
101 Marbles
A systemic cleansing and detox is definitely the way to go after each holiday. It is the key to fighting high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, and other health-related illnesses.
Lee Haney, body-builder
Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process.
Sai Baba, Indian guru

    My naturopath told me that I need to go on a cleanse.  I’m not looking forward to the process as I’m not a fan of any type of dieting.  The list of foods that I can’t eat for the next 12 days include: bread, pasta, white rice, dairy products, sugar, alcohol – the list goes on.  Yet I’ve been seeing the naturopath for fifteen years and this is the first time she’s suggested a cleanse, so perhaps it’s required. http://wildroseproducts.com/en-CA
    I began the day with some herbal tea and Seane Corn’s Detox Flow* yoga routine.  While I was practicing yoga, I kept thinking about the thoughts that I’d like to detox. I’ve been noticing that I have an unspoken tendency to think about the worse case scenario. Maybe I was hard-wired that way as a child but there have also been so many times in my life where I’ve experienced the best possible outcomes. It seems that my tendency has been passed on to my young son who, after I was detained by traffic and was 9 minutes late to pick him up today, saw a passing ambulance and was sure that I had gotten into an accident. When I pulled up, he was so upset by the imagined accident that had detained me.  I looked around at the playground still filled with playing children (waiting for their parents) and I wondered, “Is there a 'worse-case-scenario' gene?”
    Other things that I’d like to detox from are the annoying sex dreams of Ex-man that I still have occasionally.  In last week’s episode, I was facing away from Ex-man, a position that a friend noted was encouraging as Ex-man was literally behind me. Regardless, I’m hoping that there’s a subconscious cleanse and that I’ll finally wash that man right out of my cells and send him on his way. 

Are there toxic thoughts that you’d like to cleanse? Do you need to wash your ex right out of your cells and send him on his way? Would a physical cleanse aid in the process?
 
*http://www.seanecorn.com/

Breakup or Breakthrough?

102 Marbles
Who can tell what is good or bad luck?
Zen saying

      Thanks to the leap year, this is the 265th Marble and so much has changed since that first marble dropped.  Whereas I once viewed the breakup as a painful, negative event in my life, I now know it was a good thing. Ex-man and I could not seem to be happy together and I find that I’m much happier on my own, living my life with my kids.  For the first time, I understand how, years ago, my Ex-husband could say, “We’ll be fine if we stay together, we’ll be fine if we breakup.” The breakup with Ex-man was just the medicine I needed and as Eckhart Tolle suggests, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.” In the vernacular, “It’s all good.”
      With 265 Marbles down, it’s a good time for me to stop, once again, and take an inventory of what has changed since that fateful move out day many marbles ago:
     1. Remember birthday guy telling me I was beautiful and craning my neck around to see if he really meant me (Marble 328).  Now when someone tells me I’m beautiful I believe him/her.  More importantly, I now believe it before anyone has to tell me. 
     2. I used to feel so naked when at first I wasn’t wearing Ex-man’s Claddagh* ring - there was embarrassment of being a singlish mom, shame for having another “failed relationship”, and guilt for not being able to keep my kids’ family together. Now there isn’t same significance to my naked ring finger.  

     3. At 364 marbles I was concerned with the celibacy challenge.  I still really miss intimacy and being touched but I’m not as starved as I thought I’d be.  It turns out I can go longer without a “good meal” than I thought I could.  

     4. Life has stretched me - I’ve shifted my perception from “Life is hard” to “Life is fun” and along the way I’ve made friends with a running partner who keeps me laughing and I’ve had many firsts including first drag show and first strip show. 

     5. Despite continuing to write this blog, my life is less about my breakup and more about “What now? What do I want to create?”

What has shifted since your breakup? Are you still asking yourself what else you’d like to create? What else do you want to experience?

* a traditional Irish marriage/relationship ring

Hard Work

103 Marbles
Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
Thomas Edison

     A Google search of “hard work quotes” displays pages of great minds through the ages who seem to agree that hard work is a prerequisite for getting anything that you desire in life. Two thousand years ago, the Roman poet Horace wrote, “Life grants nothing to us mortals without hard work.” Thomas Edison was big on pulling up bootstraps and he attributed hard work as crucial in several quotes including, “The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are: Hard work, stick-to-itiveness, and common sense.” Yet is this no-pain-no-gain philosophy something that’s been hard-wired into our psyches without being entirely true? 
     This morning I woke up and tried to win a trip to Mexico that was being given away by a local radio station. The lines were so jammed that I couldn’t even get a busy signal. Turns out, the woman who won the trip also won the trip last year. How could one woman be so lucky? Contrary to Horace, didn’t life give her something without any hard work, and not once but twice?
     I come from a family who prides itself in being “hard workers.” There are tales of my grandmother giving birth and then having to get up and get to work on the farm.  A psychic once looked at my palm and said, “Well you’re not lazy” and I’d have to agree that working in a restaurant, going to school/writing, raising three kids, taking care of a home, and finding time to exercise are plenty of plates to be spinning.  But I wonder, “What if an idea or a lucky break came my way that didn’t involve the familiar (aka familyr) perspiration?” The response comes quick-as-a-wink, “Then it wouldn’t have value.”
     When we get something that we work for we can justify receiving the rewards. It’s give and take, cause and effect, or action and equal opposite reaction. It’s a physical law and a metaphysical law, but is it really? What about people that do little work and receive abundance in their lives? We judge them as lucky.  Would I be willing to receive more and not have it related to physical labor? Would I be willing to be more lucky?
     From a young age we are steeped in beliefs about hard work including, “If you work hard, you’ll get good grades.” But the rule doesn’t always apply - there are those who work hard and don’t get good grades and there are those who don’t work hard and get good grades anyway.  Similarly, I’m amazed by those that don’t buy into this philosophy yet manage to do well.  Several years ago, Ex-man hired a young family member to deliver flyers for him. The boy returned after only half the flyers being delivered because he wasn’t enjoying the work.  Ex-man was shocked by his lack of “work ethic” saying he wasn’t going to amount to anything if he didn’t have Edison’s stick-to-itiveness (or tenacity).  I argued in favor of the boy saying that perhaps he would never have to do a job that he didn’t like.  Turns out the latter is true - he is now working in a field that he loves, working long hours but his work is like play, or as a friend calls it “plerk.”
     What would it take for me to leave the job that I don’t really like and make money by following my bliss? Part of me feels like it would be betraying my legacy but how much do I have to betray of myself in order to honor my family? More importantly, what legacy do I want to pass on to my own children? What would it take for my own success to be 90% inspiration and 10% perspiration? 

What are your beliefs around hard work? Would you be willing to have more luck in your life, even if you were judged for it?  Would you be willing to have more ease, less work, and more abundance?

Subject or Object?

104 Marbles
A woman’s greatest asset is a man’s imagination.
Anne Corio (legendary burlesque performer)

    While I’ve been writing the first draft of my script, Burlesque Palace, I’ve been thinking about the line between stripping and performing burlesque. There are many differences, but one of the basics is economics: strippers make pretty good money from their tips; burlesque performers aren’t tipped and usually need day jobs. Another major difference is historical - fifty years ago, Burly Q performers were the boundary-pushing strippers of their era. Times have changed as have the boundaries so neo-burlesque performers seem tame in relation to our current-day strippers.  
    Last night, I had the opportunity to experience strippers for the first time - a guy who I work with had his birthday and he wanted to go to the peelers after work.  Being good work buddies, a few of us went along for the show.  Luckily, he chose the high-end strip club so the experience wasn’t as seedy as it could have been. 
    While watching the strippers, I was struck by several other differences:  Burlesque performers come in all shapes and sizes while the strippers I saw were thinner and had breast implants.  The strippers performances seemed to be geared to the predominately male audience while burlesque audiences are mixed with generally more females than males.  Strippers take it all off - and by all, I mean right down to their pubic hair.  Burlesquers wear pasties and g-strings, leaving the rest up to the audience’s imagination.  Burlesque dancers seem to be completely present when they are performing but most of the strippers last night were quite vacant, like they had left themselves somewhere backstage. The difference is one of being subject or object: who is central - the male audience or the performers themselves? 
    As I was pondering the contrasts between the two forms of stripping, one of the final peelers came on stage.  She had short, dark hair and small breasts.  She seemed to be thoroughly enlivened by being onstage.  She was muscular and could do incredibly acrobatic feats with the pole (including a horizontal plank hold of her body).  I turned to the birthday boy and said, “Now that woman is amazing.”  “You think so?” he asked.  “You don’t?” I questioned.  “Not really,” he answered, “Part of the fun of going to strippers is feeling like you’re being catered to - like your fantasies and desires are central.”  “So, it’s better to have a shell of a woman who is prancing for you than to have a whole woman who is performing for herself?”  “Pretty much,” he answered as he took a swig of his beer.  And there you have it, some men prefer to have their own power reflected off a woman over having a woman who shines by herself. 

It’s great to get attention from other people but is it time to shine from the inside? Can you practice being the sun rather than the moon? 

Rowboat or Sailboat?

105 Marbles
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream

    In Marble 247, I explained how I had chosen my grad quote, “A ship in a harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.” Yesterday’s marble, however, has me thinking about how I approach life: Do I really sail my own ship or am I more like someone who sits and rows her rowboat? 
    I’m realizing how much time I spend in a rowboat.  When you’re rowing, your vantage point is the past - where you’ve been.  To chart your course (your future) you have to crane your neck around and look to where you’re going.  I’m pretty sure that this isn’t a great way to navigate through life.  What would it take for me to let go of my focus on the past and start sailing my boat into the future?
    In his book, Mind Power in the 21st Century, John Kehoe writes, “Keep your conscious mind busy with the expectation of the best, and make sure the thoughts you habitually think are based upon what you want to see happen in your life.” This is what it would look like to turn my boat around and decide where I’d like to travel.  Yet, I often spend mind power dreading what I don’t want to happen in my life - in other words, I avoid recreating the past. But a focus on the past, even if it’s avoidance, somehow gets me rowing in circles, constantly recreating what I’ve already experienced. My connection to the past prevents me from creating what I really want in my life.
    If rowing down the stream hasn’t gone so merrily or so gently then it’s sometimes challenging to see that the future could be any different, especially if my back is to it.  But if, as the ditty goes, “life is but a dream”, what kind of dream do I want to create?
    My family is steeped in stories that don’t end well, but that is in the past.  It’s time for me to turn this boat around and head into the future of my own creating. 

Is your mind busy with the expectation of the best? Do you keep your thoughts focused on what you want to see happen in your life? 

Four Categories of Success

106 Marbles
What is success? To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; That is to have succeeded.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Today I woke up second-guessing my decision to go to New Orleans. Here’s a bit of the internal dialogue that went on, My inner critic:“What are you thinking? Going to New Orleans to research what’s basically a school assignment?!?”  Me: “I just know that I have to go down there.” IC: “Know? Like a little voice told you? Well here’s another little voice telling you you’re crazy.”  Me: “Sometimes things that look crazy aren’t as crazy as they seem.” IC: “May I remind you of a couple of other things you knew about…getting back with Ex-man and you’re Ex-husband - and look how well that turned out.”  Hmmm, my inner critic had me there.  I started to question my own judgment.  When I question my own judgment, it brings into question my intuition.  My intuition is one of the major tools that I use in my writing and in my life.  If my intuition is off, then perhaps I’m completely off course – it would be like setting off on a journey with my compass out of whack.  If this is so, I might be taking a useless journey with my writing that will never lead anywhere. (It doesn’t help that I have mental illness in my family, so I’ve seen a few too many whacky compasses.) 
     This type of circuitous thinking is enough to drive me slightly crazy.  It makes me picture my mother rowing a boat (she could only row in circles).  Luckily I paid a visit to one of my good friends today who put the brakes on my cannibalistic mind with her pragmatic insights.  Firstly, she told me how my ability to see how things connect is a good thing but not when I lump unrelated things together and make a connection.  The tangled mess of interconnectedness I was weaving was getting me caught in my own web.  She told me to take out four strands: Family, Relationships, Writing/school, and Work.  These are the four areas of my life.  Now all I have to do each week is decide what I want to happen in each area and move each area forward.  I’m to see each area as distinct and separate categories. Phew! Sounds super easy. 
     As I was getting into my car after leaving my friend’s house, I thought about all the “successful” people who have incredible insight when it comes to career/business but who have personal lives that are fodder for the tabloids.  To me a successful life seems to be balanced in all categories.  And then I arrived at my personal definition of success – to have fulfilling relationships in all quadrants of my life:  partnership, family, friends, and my life’s work. 

What are the distinct categories of your life? Is there something that you can do to tend to/move forward each area of your life every week? Every day? 

"One Thousand Unseen Helping Hands"

107 Marbles

    This morning I decided to go to New Orleans in December to help research Burlesque Palace. I checked into the flight and hotels and found a good deal on expedia.com.  I researched the local burlesque troupes and found a show at The House of Blues so I planned my dates around the show. Money is still a bit of an issue but with some fancy budgeting and Visa, it should all work out. I talked to the manager at work and arranged to get three shifts off work. 
    My school will be done for the term but I had to figure out what to do about my kids. Before I booked the ticket, I called Ex-man and asked him if he would be okay to take the kids a few extra days in December.  His answer, “Just tell me what you need done.”  I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of his gift-horse mouth.  I’m used to resistance and the familiarity of having a “no” when dealing with his universe, but there he was acting like Westley in The Princess Bride, “As you wish.”  Joseph Campbell describes the “one thousand unseen helping hands” of synchronicity, but sometimes the aid from the seen hands can be just as miraculous. 
    So it’s all coming together with little effort on my part.  What I’ll do while I’m there, I’m not sure.  I’ve ordered the Lonely Planet guide to New Orleans from the library so I’ll do a bit of research but I suspect I’ll do a lot of going with the flow. To be honest, I’m excited but also nervous about the trip.  I haven’t traveled much on my own - this will be the first trip that I’ve planned and traveled solo.  Let’s hope I have beginner’s luck. 

What have you been wanting to do that would stretch you out of your comfort zone?  If there wasn’t such a thing as a comfort zone, what would you choose?

Imagination

108 Marbles

See it in your mind
And you will find
In your imagination
Mysteries and magic
Visions fantastic
Leading to strange and wondrous dreams
Dreams are make believe
but could they all come true ? 

In your Imagination 

In your Imagination 

Deep in your mind
It's magic you'll find
When out of the night
The forces ignite
To blind you with frightening speed
You use your might
To brighten the light
creating a night of wondrous dreams
Disneyland’s “Fantasmic” Finale 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNXWuEYSHyk

    The last time I was in Disneyland, I actually started crying during the night spectacle Fantasmic when the song went into the power of imagination. Not sure exactly what was moved inside of me, but I’m sure that it had something to do with the huge world that has evolved from the fertile soil of one man’s imagination. 
    I have a friend who used to marvel at my creativity.  She said that I could make things out of nothing. She would also say that she was not creative, yet when I looked around her, I noted a home with two great children and a husband who loved her dearly.  She was incredible in her ability to create the life and love that she wanted - this to me is an amazing creative ability.  We all create, we just create differently.  
    My creating right now revolves around writing - I’m in the middle of writing my first draft of Burlesque Palace.  When I submitted the outline, the agreement of my prof and classmates was that I had taken the whole first season and put it into the pilot.  My job was to picture the arc of the first season then write the first episode in the arc.  What I’m noticing now is that all my knowledge, all my book research is not getting me far enough.  The dialogue is coming out flat.  Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge” and I’ve tried bridging the gap with my imagination but the block is this: I don’t really know how someone from New Orleans talks.  I know the Southern drawl - but it seems stereotypical and inauthentic.  It’s like trying to learn a language from a book without being immersed in the way the words are strung together in the music of a language. 

     I keep having this pestering thought, “Go down to New Orleans.”  I argue back saying, “I can’t - I’m in school, Christmas is coming, I’ve got kids to take care of, when I don’t work - I don’t get paid, I can’t afford it, etc.”  But the voice is persistent, “Go down to New Orleans.”  And even though I know it’s highly impractical, the idea gets me excited. 

You are creative: you’re the creator of your life. Look around at what you’ve created. What else do you want to create? What have you already created that you haven’t stopped and appreciated?  
Einstein wrote, "“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”
 

Late Slip-ups

109 Marbles

    My daughter is notoriously late in the mornings.  It doesn’t seem to matter what time I wake her up, she still dawdles until she is late for school.  I’ve tried several methods to get her downstairs and ready by the appropriate time, once even leaving without her. Nothing seems to work. 
    Yesterday morning I was so frustrated and angry by her constant tardiness. I gave her the regular speech about being responsible for getting ready. I was further annoyed by her lack of concern.  By the time I dropped her off then her brother, I was in a foul mood.
    I decided I would do yoga to get myself into a better space. As I was moving through the poses, I slipped back in time and remembered my father on my wedding day, out in the car honking the horn as I tried to attach my veil with the help of my maid of honor. I remembered the stress of feeling rushed, especially on such an important day.  I rethought my approach with my daughter. 
     Why was I so focused on getting her to school on time? Because I felt responsible to teach her the importance of being punctual.  But the fact is, the more time-obsessed that I became, the less she seemed to care; I cared enough for both of us. It wasn't like she was causing anyone else to be late - her brother and her were now in different schools and his school started later.   She would have to face the consequences of being late at her new school. 
     When I picked the kids up from school, I first apologized for my morning mood.  Then I explained the new guidelines: If she wanted to be to school on time, she would have to be downstairs at 8:15. If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t care until 8:40 – the time we had to leave to take her brother to school.  If she wasn’t ready by then, we would be leaving without her.  On the occasions when I was also at risk of being late for an appointment or for class, she would have to be more punctual.  Plain and simple. 
     This morning we practiced the new guidelines.  I didn’t get angry when she wasn’t organized or ready on time.  I let it go that she was a few minutes late for school.  I’ve talked a blue streak about the principle of respect and being on time but in the process, I’ve lost the principle of being responsible for my own energy. 

Are there "logs" that you fall over every single time?  Are there new ways to avoid falling over the same logs? Can you think outside the box and come up with new solutions to old problems (Hint: hidden in every problem is a solution just waiting to be uncovered).

Pulling out the Fleece Pajamas

110 Marbles
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck

    The weather has changed on the 49th parallel where I live.  Gone are the warm, sunny nights when the sun doesn’t set till late. It's now rainy and dark, and the chilly nights have arrived.  
    After freezing in bed the past few nights, tonight I pulled out my fleece pajamas and threw them in the dryer for a few minutes so I could slip into them when they were toasty warm.  Pretty soon I’ll exchange my summer coverlet for my down duvet.  Lord knows I’d trade in all this winterizing for a warm lover in my bed but my marbles and my motherly duties trump that desire for at least another 110 marbles.
     In truth, I’m a bit concerned that I’m getting too self-sufficient to want to meld my life together with another’s in the same manner that I’ve done in the past.  Part of me has grown to enjoy cuddling up into my blankets and reading in bed by myself. I also worry that youth will pass me by before I revisit the specific joy of lying in a lover’s arms (or having one lie in mine - not to be confused with telling untruths whilst in my arms).  Then I marvel at how advertising and our society has managed to skew my thoughts so that I somehow believe, even slightly, that living a full life is only for the very young.  
     So I still have time, even as the clock ticks and the marbles drop, to find love inside then outside and finally, to toss those damn fleece pajamas.

Even if you’re still very young, what attitudes about aging have you bought into?  They may not affect you now, but your beliefs will patiently await to ambush you when you finally get older.  Can you learn not to let age limit you wherever you land on the chronometer?

PS. Thanks Grammar Girl for your insight into lay and lie http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/lay-versus-lie.aspx
It’s challenging to get it straight when both Clapton and Dylan had it wrong (it should have been “Lie Down, Sally” and “Lie, Lady, Lie”)

"Timberrrrrr"

111 Marbles

    I’m about fed up with my subconscious mind right now.  Three marbles ago it was that embarrassing Freudian Slip, last night it was another annoying dream featuring Ex-man. Really, Subconscious? Don’t you know I’m in the rebuilding stage where I’m supposed to have let go of Ex-man and our relationship?  Maybe I shouldn’t completely blame my subconscious.  If my subconscious mind and my conscious mind were to have a baby, it would be my dreams. Okay, so maybe I can try to understand it…
    It was my son’s birthday and I had to spend the afternoon with Ex-man yesterday (the time spent with Ex-man generally supplies fodder for my subconscious mind to gnaw on for days). In my dream, Ex-man was taking down a telephone pole in my neighborhood, but as dream neighborhoods go, it was a mixture of my present neighborhood/home and my childhood home. I saw the height of the pole he was cutting down and I realized that it was going to damage the neighbors’ yards.  I tried to tell him but he ignored me.  When the pole came down, it smacked into a small apartment building, causing some broken windows and roof problems. I felt responsible for his actions and embarrassed that the pole had smacked into other’s property. I went to go make my apologies but in my dream, there was a clarity that it was up to him to take responsibility for his actions. I was no longer responsible for him (nor was I ever responsible for him, but that’s another marble).   
     In his book, Mind Power in the 21st Century, John Kehoe explains,“Our dreams show us where we are wrong and where we are unadapted, bringing to our attention the root cause of inner disharmony or emotional distress…Dreams are always about you and your circumstances - where you are stuck, what you’re avoiding, what you’re missing, what you’re ignoring, where you need to go.” So where am I stuck with Ex-man?  What I’m aware of is that lately my daughter has been talking to me about some of the areas where she gets frustrated and stuck with her Dad (aka Ex-man). I know those areas well because, not coincidentally, they were some of the areas that created disharmony in my relationship with Ex-man. When I saw Ex-man during our son’s birthday, I was reminded about those points of conflict and I felt guilty that my daughter had inherited similar challenges. Yet the dream showed me that I am free to let him have his independent relationships with our children, let him make his own choices regardless of whether I see him damaging the “hood” in the process. The most important thing that I know is that my children are safe with him and are loved by him and even if I don’t agree with his choices, there is no significant structural damage being done (and I would surely have my own broken windows to tend to).   
     Perhaps there is some significance that the pole Ex-man was falling was a telephone pole, a symbol of communication from my pre-cellphone childhood.  A Freudian therapist would probably say the pole was phallic.  What I find most interesting is that this morning when I went to drop my kids off at school, a crew was replacing the old telephone pole that was behind my house - not the other neighborhood poles - my pole.  I stood for a moment and watched them take the old pole down in the safest possible manner and I easily recalled my dream.  Then I had a strange moment of wonder… how fine the line between dream and reality. 

Can you allow your dreams to show you where you are stuck or where you need to go?  Can you allow your ex(es) to enter your dreams until they have nothing more to reveal to you? 

Drag Show

112 Marbles
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Dolly Parton

    My running partner and I went to a drag show last night featuring the incredible “Flava” (not to be confused with rapper Flava Flav). I’ve never seen such an amazing drag performer. Flava was decked out in elaborate Mowhalk headdress and unique make-up. I can be a pretty tough critic, yet I felt totally entertained by Flava’s upbeat and energetic dancing.  There’s nothing sadder than a bad drag show, but when they’re good, they’re an enticing blend of subversiveness, fun and play. As I was watching the show, I thought how a year ago I would never have seen myself in a club watching a drag show but there I was.  Life has changed and it is good. 
    After the performance, we stuck around to do some dancing.  While we were on the dance floor, I noticed a somewhat plain looking African-American man standing with an empty Corona bottle by the side of the dance floor.  I nudged my friend and asked him if he thought it was Flava sans drag. He thought not but then I saw it - a little piece of glitter caught the light and shone on his naked face.  I went to the bar and bought a Corona and brought it to Flava, thanking him for his amazing performance.  He was most gracious and up close I could see the hints of the latent drag queen within him. 
    I’ve been working on a drag character for Burlesque Palace and last night’s show helped me get the spirit of the character while also getting the sense of some of the character’s internal and external struggle.  Before last night, Lulu Belle was just a glimmer in my eye.  After last night, she was born. The world is filled with an endless supply of inspiration.  

Drag may not be your thing but what new worlds have opened up after your breakup?  What worlds would you like to see open up? 
   

I'd Like to Live on a Pirate Ship

113 Marbles

    When I was in elementary school, we used to pinch our cheeks together and say this phrase, “I’d like to live in a pirate ship.”  The phrase came out sounding like, “I’d like to live in a pile of sh--” (hard to believe it, but it made us giggle).  There is a man in our neighborhood that has taken the phrase (minus the cheek action) to a whole new level. For Halloween he builds a pirate ship around the front of his house. Yesterday I drove by and saw him already at work despite the fact that Halloween is over three weeks away. 
    Apparently he’s a contractor by trade and his wife complains about money from renovations going to pay for the crazy ship.  For weeks before hand he spends hours perfecting the spookiness of the ship with motion-detected spiders that drop from the broken deck, moving skeletons, scary tunes, etc.  Equipped with his new pirate accent, he tries his pranks out on his two young daughters who are growing scared of their own house. His wife speculates, “When is he going back to work?”  His daughters wonder, “Who took our father and left us with a pirate?” And when Hallowed Eve is done, he has to disassemble it all and rent a unit to store all his paraphernalia for 300 odd marbles. 
    I feel for his family but I’ve got to hand it to him for his spirit.  He gets right into character with a wooden pegged-leg prosthetic.  Last year he wore a scarf around his head but this year he plans on wearing a tricorne or three-cornered hat worn by the pirate captain. What I like most about him is that he continues to play despite being an adult. I’d like more play in my life, wouldn’t you? 

How challenging it is to keep your inner child alive while balancing the responsibility of the adult who goes to work, pays the bills, and gets the oil changed in the car? What would help you remember to play?

Parapraxis Ponderings

114 Marbles
Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.
Brené Brown

    Parapraxis, aka a Freudian slip, is an error in speech often occurring because of some unconscious desire or conflict.  The worst place to have this happen is with an ex, and that’s exactly where I slipped up yesterday.  Ugh!
    I interrupt this blog to relate a riddle of a costume that I’ve used a couple of years (Halloween is close in my zone in time).  I’ve taken a black slinky slip and attached photos of Sigmund on the back and the front and of course the infamous cigar (“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”).  I’ve donned black fishnets and red lipstick, high heels and curly locks then I’ve enjoyed walking around the event to see which guests could recall Psych 101 and realize that I was a walking, talking (and dancing) Freudian Slip. 
    Ugh! Back to real life and the embarrassment of yesterday’s run-in with Ex-man.  Our son’s parent-teacher conference was yesterday and afterward as he was checking out the book fair, I thought it a good time to mention to Ex-man that our daughter needed some new clothing (we share expenses). He argued the point, saying that she had lots of clothes (most of which she’d grown out of). As we were discussing back and forth, at one point I said “Hon-.” I caught myself and didn’t finish the last syllable but I could tell by the slight smirk on his face that he caught my slip as well. 
    It must have been something about the arguing, the constant “no” in his universe that took me right back into that dynamic that I lived in for over twelve years. Psychoanaly-tically, there is no unconscious desire to go back into that relationship with him.  As the marbles have ticked by, I’ve enjoyed where I am, more and more and from a distance I can see that the relationship was not a good place for me. What bothered me was his smug your-slip-is-showing smile.  I’m sure in his mind my aborted honey was proof of my repressed wish to be with him. Ugh! But Freudian slips are always awkward, unless they’re of the Halloween variety. 

Social Work guru Brené Brown wrote, “You can’t dress rehearse the bad moments.” Do you ever have those embarrassing moments with your ex? Can you let go of what your ex thinks of you in lieu of what you know about yourself?

The Ex Vex

115 Marbles

    A friend of mine just came back from her Thanksgiving break where she spent time with three of her exes.  Needless to say, when I picked her up, she was so happy to be home.  When we went for coffee, she was beating herself up for the men she has chosen to be with in her life.  Spending time with each of them during Thanksgiving made her question what she was thinking (it was like seeing someone looking at an old photo of some crazy fashion faux pas).  While each of the men offered my friend opportunities to learn and grow, none of them offered her healthy love or a good relationship. 
    I listened to her berate herself and I suggested different ways of looking at it but she seemed intent on self-flagellation.  Finally, I suggested a new metaphor: I asked her to remember all the different apartments where she had lived throughout her life, some of the areas weren’t great, some of the apartments weren’t great.  Now, however, she lives in a cute apartment, with great neighbors, in an area that she loves.  Does she look back and beat herself up for living in those earlier apartments?  Would she ever move back to the neighborhoods she didn’t like?  No, but at the time it was just where she was at.   
     We abide where we abide until we no longer do and then we move on.  This idea brought her comfort as she realized she has grown and just like she would never live in an undesirable area of town, she would not be with a man that didn’t meet her where she is at.  I confirmed this for her as the last man she was with had challenges being vulnerable and she ultimately decided that she wasn’t getting what she needed.  Adios amigo. 
    We abide where we abide until it no longer suits us then we move on.  Sometimes we move on together, and sometimes we move on alone.  

Do you have any shame about the partners that you’ve chosen?  Could it be that people fit while they fit? Could it be that some relationships are more elastic than others, allowing the individuals to grow and change? 

Losing the Gavel

116 Marbles

I never approve, or disapprove, of anything now. It is an absurd attitude to take towards life.

Oscar Wilde

     Tonight in the restaurant, there was a couple who sat down and ordered a Monday night bottle of champagne.  I asked them what they were celebrating and they said, “Just life.”  A good thing to celebrate.  He was older, she was way younger and another waiter asked me, “Is it his daughter or a hooker?” Then they started holding hands and I found myself judging who they were when I clearly didn’t know them.  How the heck would I know if their relationship works for them?  They seemed happy.  Then I thought of Nelson Mandela.
     Nelson Mandela, the first elected President of South Africa, was in jail for 27 years for his anti-apartheid activism.  Later in life he married Graça Machel who was 27 years his junior and they’ve been married ever since.  Is their age difference a coincidence or is it an example of life’s grace? 
     I always tell my children that the body moves toward healing and health.  When you cut yourself, your conscious mind doesn’t have to think about it but your body heals itself: the bleeding stops, a scab forms, new layers of skin develop, and eventually the scab falls off - good as new.  I believe that the spirit move towards healing as well, it’s just that the methods are even more mysterious.
     Back to the champagne couple.  I amaze myself at how judgmental I can be, how sure I know what is right or wrong for another.  I’m a judge without a gavel - I judge others,  I judge myself, and I judge myself for judging others. But judging feels restrictive so I ask myself, what can I invite into my life that would take me out of judgment?  The answer comes back - allowance. 
     Here’s the funny thing - part of me is concerned that allowance means opening the flood-gate and losing all discernment of what I’d like in my life and what I wouldn’t.  Judging keeps a structure in place yet it often means being in resistance of what is.  I think I have some confusion around having a judgment and having an awareness.  When I have an awareness or a knowing about something, there is more allowance for it to be as it is or for me to put my energy toward trying to change it.  So perhaps the way to lose the gavel is by developing my awareness. 

How many great things does your judgment keep at bay? When you go into judgment, can you stop and ask if it there is some awareness behind the judgment? In Eckhart Tolle's words, "Can I look without the voice in my head commenting, drawing conclusions, comparing, or trying to figure something out?"

The Boomerang Effect

117 Marbles
Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.
Brené Brown


    You’d think that I’d get this by now - if there’s a charge and a judgment around someone else’s behavior, chances are there are places where I exhibit that behavior myself. I call it the Boomerang Effect. 
    Remember the Perfection marble (a mere five marbles ago) where I judged a woman I know for having a fixation with perfection?  Today I was at a friend’s brunch and I said the word “perfect” five times as I was helping arrange and set up the table and in the course of the brunch.  The funny thing was that every time I said it, a voice in my head had a ticker-tally of the number of times I’d used the word, “That’s one” to “That’s five.”  By the fourth time, I’d gotten that I was displaying the very behavior that I claimed to dislike. 
    In Psychology, the term for what I was experiencing is projective identification where we cleverly get rid of unwanted feelings by identifying them with someone else.  I’ve experienced this tendency so many times in myself (and of course in others) - it’s the age-old “When you point a finger there are three fingers pointing back to you.” The pressing question is, as a writer, does that make me an unreliable narrator?  
    The reality is that it makes me human: perfectly imperfect and as in the other definition of perfect “Excellent and delightful in all respects.”

Do you notice when there is a charge and a judgment around other people’s behavior? Can you check in to see if that charge is because the behavior is something that you don’t like about yourself? 

Thanksgiving

118 Marbles 

    It’s Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and this particular holiday packs a bit of punch.  Here’s the story…it was on Thanksgiving day that Ex-man first broke up with me when I was eighteen.  He called me at work to ask if he could pick me up so we could have a talk.  That whole day my stomach was clenched, preparing for something I feared.  I thought things between us were going well despite us being on separate career paths: He went straight to work; I went to university.  To me these were trivial discrepancies. To him they were not. 
    Ex-man picked me up in his car and we went for a drive down by the beach.  He parked the car and told me we were done.  He said we were going separate ways - he “needed  to put everything into his work,” yet within a couple of months, he would come by my work to show me a ring that he had bought for his new girlfriend.   
    My first heartbreak was on that Thanksgiving afternoon.  Ex-man drove me home to a house filled with my family, raucous nieces and nephews.  I went to my room and cried and my sister came in and told me that “The first cut is the deepest.” At the time it wasn’t comforting to think that there would be other cuts in the future.   
    Get over it, right? But how? What could help me get over the significance I place on this holiday?  I was invited to have Thanksgiving with Ex-man and his family, but would that be the best place for me?  It doesn’t feel right, but what would I like in its place? What would be good for my family?
    The answer came to me earlier this week: I would have a family brunch with my kids and then go to work as usual so my kids could have dinner with Ex-man’s family.  
    I woke up yesterday morning before our brunch with gratitude in my heart.  I was thankful that my kids were coming to brunch.  I was thankful for our health.  I was thankful for good friends.  I was thankful for the food that I prepared including my infamous cranberry and white chocolate scones.  We had a pleasant and peaceful brunch.  Later I helped my daughter with her homework and I went to work. 
    As I tucked myself in bed last night I felt gratitude, “Life is good.” 

In the post-breakup landscape, traditions (such as holidays) are usually altered.  What would help you move beyond the stories and significance of the holidays to be totally present in the now?  Can you take each holiday and decide what the best new tradition is for yourself and your family? 

My Dream House

119 Marbles 
It may be years until the day, my dreams will match up with my pay…Make a home from a rented house, and we’ll collect the moments one by one, I guess that’s how the future’s done.
Feist,  “Mushaboom” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYF0qU5WSew

     A woman I know has a house in the neighborhood where I live and as I walked by her house today, I looked at the house and felt a bit covetous.  It’s a nice house with a landscaped garden - she has a suite that she rents out in the garage and a suite downstairs that helps her pay the mortgage.  To top it off, an old ex (the father of one of her kids) helped her with the downpayment so she could afford the house.
     It’s not like I don’t love the house where I live.  My landlords are great and they rent the house to me at a price well below market value (the city where I live has notoriously high real estate prices - but it’s all relative - nothing like NYC).  I have made a great home here for my kids but ultimately I’d like to buy a house.  I’d like to make the decisions about wherher or not we can have pets.  I’d like to know that the garden I plant will be mine to enjoy for as long as I decide to live in our house.  I’d like to know that the future of our home isn’t dependent on whether my landlords decide to sell the house or whether they decide to put some family members in it.  I want a home of our own. 
     As soon as I started feeling envious of the house owned by the single mother that I knew, a clear voice in my head answered, “Until the time is right, a house is nothing but a noose around your neck.”  I know this to be true.  I know that I am not in the position to own.  I’m not in the position to apply for a mortgage and be accepted.  I may be in the position to buy a condo in the suburbs, but I am a city girl with ties to family, schools, and friends in the city.  I like to be central and I hate commuting.  I’ll continue to work towards having the house of my dreams by following my passion but in the meantime I'll be financially responsible and live the truth of what it means to be me right now.

Is the energy of envy something that can shine a light on something you don’t have that would contribute to your life? Can you avoid getting stuck in jealousy and just ask what the feeling is trying to show you?   

Flirting with Regret

120 Marbles

Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh. 

Henry David Thoreau

    Last night’s dream took me to the small prairie city where I lived with my ex-husband.  We were together in my dream, surrounded by his close-knit clan.  I woke up this morning feeling regret. I don’t regret our parting of ways, but I do regret not being able to be happy in the relationship, not being able to make him happy.  My dream reminded me how safe I felt with him. When we parted, it was a bit scary - like the ship leaving the safe harbor. 
    Shortly after we divorced, I re-united with Ex-man (about ten years after we had been together in high school).  We loved each other but our relationship had a darker side.  He would retreat, I would pursue. It was a chicken or the egg dance: somehow I thought if I pushed hard enough, I could make him take me in but the more I pushed, the more distant he became. I became so angry at his emotional distance that eventually I sought counseling and anger management (clearly, this didn't help the dynamic).  Thankfully, that was many years ago but if I knew then what I know now, I would have given him his distance, not taken it so personally, and waited till he came to me.  
    In hindsight, the relationship was about unpacking what was in my deepest, darkest closets.  There’s a preschool song, “It’s cleanup time, cleanup time, everybody cleanup time.” My relationship with Ex-man was like psychic clean up time. I had a teacher who used to say, “You only do the hard work, the heavy lifting, when there’s lots of love.”  By those standards, Ex-man and I loved each other a lot – it just didn’t always feel like love. 
    My dream last night put me right back to the simpler days of being married into the cocoon of my ex-husband’s family.  When I awoke, I was filled with nostalgia – the bittersweet longing for things of the past.  This is not to say that I want my ex-husband back – he was not for me and  I am grateful to see him happily married.  My longing is more about the lost feeling I had with my ex-husband: the feeling of being taken in by another person; the feeling that someone’s got my back; and the feeling that I’m not on my own.   
    Yep, I know that this whole journey has probably been leading toward feeling safe at my core and not relying on anyone else for my sense of security, but hey, I can wish that the waters could have been a little calmer, can’t I? 

    I become aware that I'm resisting regret.  Regret is defined as, "1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone. 2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different." That's exactly what I'm feeling about my ex-husband but regret goes against my belief that every choice I've made has brought me to where I am therefore no choice should be judged as a mistake.  Nonetheless, regret is knocking so I decide to let it in, just to see what happens. 
    As I lay in bed, awash in my feeling of nostalgia and regret, I asked, “Hey subconscious - why the dreams?  Can’t I just be in the present without having to go back and feel the loss of what’s gone before?”
    The answer came quick as lightning, “Make peace with where you’ve been before and then you will be truly present.” 
    Huh?  I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that to make peace, I have to forgive myself.  Forgive myself for leaving a warm, loving relationship.  Then I remembered hearing a fitting definition of forgiveness, “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that things could have been any different.”
    When I sit in this forgiveness, my regret drains and I know that I couldn’t have made different choices. I’m exactly where I need to be.  

Breakups can be a fertile garden of regret: wishing that you never chose him/her; wishing that you tried harder; wishing you hadn't ignored that niggling intuition; wishing that you'd left earlier; wishing that you hadn't left - just to name a few. The question is: How can you make peace with the past so you can be present in the now?  And, is there something regret can teach you? (Hint: the answer's not to never love again.) 

Nora Ephron wrote in Heartburn, "And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The dream dies. Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream". 

What is your new dream? 

Ego Boost

121 Marbles

    I went with my running partner to an Elton John ballet last night.  As I was curling my hair and putting my make-up on, I realized how long it had been since I went out and had fun.  It seems it’s all been work, work, work lately, but last night I was going to enjoy myself.  I got dressed up in a newish coat, dress, and shoes and when I looked in the mirror I thought, “Hey, you clean up pretty well.”
    I met my friend at the theater and when we went inside, he said me, “Girl, you are turning heads tonight.”  “Thanks” I replied (cost of outfit - $50 at a consignment sale).  
    The ballet was fabulous.  I love Elton John so to see a whole ballet inspired by his life and work was amazing  Someone Saved My Life Tonight had the winged principal attached to a rope, struggling to loosen himself. You nearly had me roped and tied.  "What ropes hold me back from flying?", I wondered.  You’re a butterfly, and butterflies are free to fly. 
    This morning as I poured myself a tea, I was thinking about what an enjoyable night I had last night.  It felt good to get out and have an ego boost but as I came down from the high, I realized that my time of turning heads is drawing to a close.  Soon, my lovely daughter will start turning heads and this is how it should be.  I thought of how I automatically thought that it was the outfit that was turning heads and not me.  As I was thinking all these thoughts, I read the message on my tea bag, “Your beauty is in your spirit.”
    Touché, Yogi Tea, touché.

Where does your beauty reside?  In your clothes? In your smile? Or inside?

Perfection

122 Marbles 

We’re not meant to be perfect.  We’re meant to be whole.  

Jane Fonda

    I know a woman who uses the refrain “Perfect” a lot - too much, I think.  And while she lives in a perfect house in a perfect neighborhood, has a perfect job and two perfect kids (who never fight, by the way), I wonder about her attachment to perfection.  When you go to her house, it’s like Martha Stewart waved her magic wand and bibbedy, bobbedy, booed it until everything found a perfect spot.  The woman doesn’t even have clutter and I sometimes wonder how much energy it takes to live in her display-type home?  How much energy does it take to constantly clean and categorize the mess that life and living creates?
    I’m not a slob but if you come to my home at any time you’ll find it tidy but with several things out of place - a sweater not put away here, a pencil on the kitchen floor there, a book or a few scattered about - all things that make the house lived in (and let’s face it - kids are the worst roommates on the planet, God love them).  I enjoy doing a thorough clean every once and awhile but then I also allow the unraveling effect of watching the house get that relaxed-fit look of a pair of favorite jeans. 
    The city I live in has also been bitten by the perfect bug (as mentioned in yesterday’s marble).  In almost every neighborhood, ma and pa businesses are being taken over by perfect store fronts and specialty shops.  Although I enjoy it when someone takes their passion to the level of art, I sometimes enjoy the mayhem of the less-then-perfect spots.  The restaurant where I work has character from its beautiful heritage building.  But it has fruit flies in the summer, a washroom that seems less than first world standards, and it’s too cold in the winter from all the single-paned glass windows.  There are also numerous problems that I don’t care to mention but, it feels lived in, it has soul. It’s also a dying breed of restaurants being taken over by corporate shops with multi-million dollar, award-winning, luxury loos http://www.cactusclubcafe.com/2010/09/canadas-best-restroom-results-announced/..
        There are many definitions for perfect including “proficient”  and “lacking nothing essential to the whole.” The definition that I’m targeting is closer to the energy behind “without defect or blemish.”  As women, we’re bombarded with ideals of creating the perfect eyelashes, the perfect lips, even the perfect eyebrow (who knew there was a perfect eyebrow shape?)  I wonder how much of the perfection-pushing sacrifices wholeness?  As Jane Fonda points out, we’re not perfect but we are whole.  

       I share this history with Fonda, I was once in search of the perfect body through exercise and eating disorders but you can never be “too skinny or too rich”  (or too perfect).  It was a losing battle.  As I’ve aged I’ve discovered that even with my imperfections I lack nothing essential to my wholeness.  In my ex-husband’s words to me (from the best exit-interview ever), “You will be okay when you realize that there’s nothing wrong with you.”
       Then I remember those fun moments like when my running buddy and I tried to make a Martha Stewart-like gingerbread house with my kids. The icing was too runny and the house was askew and the candies drained from the gutters. We laughed so much and got so high on sugar that the flunkie house was nothing but perfect.

Do you strive for perfection?  Is it ever attainable? In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz wrote, “Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” What if you switched to always trying to do your best, knowing that your best is constantly in flux? Does that feel less heavy? 
A couple of helpful perfection quotes by Brene Brown:
“Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think”
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” 

Too Many Choices?

123 Marbles 
It’s just been accepted that since choice is good, more choice is better, but…this perfectly reasonable assumption turns out to be false.
Barry Schwartz

     I was having a conversation with my niece last week about life for my mother’s generation of women.  In my mother’s day, you got married, had children, and never, ever got divorced (even if you hadn’t made the best choice of partners).  My mother is forty-three years older than I am and the world that she lived in varies drastically from my world and one of the reasons is the variety of choices available to women now.  We can choose: which career we’d like (she could be a nurse or a teacher - she chose the latter); to get married or not; have children or not; the list goes on, and on, and on. 
      When I was talking with my niece, I was expressing a certain dissatisfaction with all the choices, a longing to go back to when times were simpler.  I said, “Sometimes I just think it would be better if we had less…” (I couldn’t even finish the sentence because I knew it would be going against all the hard work of Gloria Steinem et al.).  My niece looked at me as if I was crazy.  After all, let’s take an example pertinent to 365 Marbles - would I choose to go back to Ex-man? No, but the option to not be with him (the almost too readily available back door) made this other choice irrelevant - the choice to be happy wherever I am.  After all, in Shakespeare’s words, “There’s nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”  (Is this really true for relationships? But that may be the query of an entirely different marble.)
      Sometimes I wonder what women felt like when corsets were abolished.  During World War I, women were discouraged from buying corsets and apparently, the metal saved was enough to build two battleships.  As the corset declined in popularity, I wonder how many women breathed a sigh of relief (literally) and how many preferred the structure provided by the corset?  My mother lived in a corseted reality (okay, by then it was a girdled reality but you get my point). How much of my own dissatisfaction is because of too many choices?
      I’ve heard of an ideology called Access Consciousness that professes living in “ten-second increments” making new choices every ten seconds.  The practice seems to take the pressure off of making choices as you’re never stuck with an outcome - if you don’t like it, choose again.  The idea is that awareness is the result of a choice, not the prerequisite for making a choice.  I think that’s where I get jammed up - trying to look at how decisions will affect different areas of my life and getting overwhelmed. The result can be the paralyzing stagnation of feeling the gravity of every choice.  As philosopher Henri- Frédéric Amiel wrote, "The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret."
      This week I found a TEDtalks segment by Barry Shwartz entitled, “The Paradox of Choice” (http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html).  His talk perfectly mirrored the sentiments I was feeling while talking with my niece and I found that the paradox of choice is not just a female condition but a human condition. He says, “The most important thing is to learn that good enough is almost always good enough; you don't need to find the best. You'll be happier if, once you find something that meets your standards, you stop looking and don't worry about it.”
      I wonder how the paradox of choice collides with the desire for perfection?  I live in a city bitten by the “perfect bug” - where even the once commonplace doughnut is taken to an art form (can you imagine an Earl Grey doughnut? - If you can’t, check out Cartems http://cartems.com/ - they’re amazingly delicious and I don’t even like doughnuts).  With so many options to choose from, how can I be assured that I’m choosing the right one?  But maybe it’s as Barry Schwartz noted, “The secret to happiness is low expectations.”

Eeyore seemed to have low expectations but was he happy?  Do you flourish in an environment ripe with choices?  Do you become easily overwhelmed?  What role does instinct play when you’re faced with myriad choices?  Do you rely more on rational thought? 

Investing in Yourself

124 Marbles
Develop your own compass, and trust it.  Take risks, dare to fail, remember the first person through the wall always gets hurt.
Aaron Sorkin

    “Follow your Bliss” is the famous phrase coined by mythologist, Joseph Campbell and there are many who share a similar philosophy that happiness is achieved by following our unique passions. John D. Rockefeller III pragmatically claimed, “The road to happiness lies in two simple principles: find what it is that interests you and that you can do well, and when you find it put your whole soul into it-every bit of energy and ambition and natural ability you have.” Playwright Henrik Ibsen said, “Different people have different duties assigned to them by Nature; Nature has given one the power or the desire to do this, the other that. Each bird must sing with his own throat.” Similarly, Einstein claimed, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” The trick is finding the arena where you are a genius and developing your talent by investing in yourself. 
    To invest means to commit (money, capital, energy) in order to gain a financial return.  It also can be defined as spending for future advantage or benefit. Investing in yourself means spending money or energy now for future advantage or financial return. Sometimes investing in yourself looks like taking a course or a program in an area of interest.  Sometimes investing in yourself looks like taking the time to exercise and keep your body healthy.  For my mother, investing in herself looked like going on a retreat once a year to be by herself, away from her family so she could hear herself think and come back more centered.  Investing in myself right now looks like considering the highly impractical idea of heading down to New Orleans to do some research for my script and sponge up the setting. 
    The trick with being a parent is balancing the investment in myself with the investment in my kids.  When I calculate the money I’d spend on an excursion down south, I think of all the things that money could mean to my kids - new clothes, classes, etc.  But I have this belief that if I invest in myself, it will turn out better for them in the long run.  It’s all part of developing my compass, trusting it, and taking risks. Yikes!
   
One of the first female journalists, Shana Alexander, wrote, “Men of our generation are invested in what they do, women in what we are.” What would it take to invest what we are into what we do?