Refugee Status

213 Marbles 

The problem in defense is how far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

    Chris Cleave’s Little Bee is about a Nigerian refugee’s experiences in England.  Because of Little Bee’s harrowing experiences in her village where her family was killed, every time she went into a new room, a new place or a new situation she would think in her mind how she would kill herself “if the men came”.  If she went into a bathroom, she would think – “I’ll break the mirror and slash my wrists with the shards of glass”.  If she went into a room with a chain hanging from the sunroof, she’d think – “I’ll hang myself with the chain.”
    At first it seemed a bit morbid and unrelated to my life.  I’m not a refugee fleeing from anything nor have I had harrowing experiences in my childhood.  But she wouldn’t leave my mind and I started noticing my own way of coping that mirrored her methods.  I noticed that sometimes when I don’t feel safe in a situation, in my mind I will carry on as defense lawyer against whatever person or group of people I think is against me.  If, for example, my work schedule changes, I’ll take a defensive position in my mind and try to argue my position (my years of service, strong work ethic, punctuality, and overall model employee status).  It’s not that my points are wrong, it’s just that my position immediately becomes defensive. 
    I know that this is a coping mechanism, but it is a strategy that I no longer need.  I’m attempting to be very conscious when my mind goes into this mode and I have my internal court case with the world acting as prosecutor and me acting as defense lawyer in a case that doesn’t really exist.  I try to remind myself, “Hey, nobody’s against you,” and suddenly things lighten up.  I remember that I don’t need to take refuge because there really is no struggle except when my thinking makes it so.

If any of this rings a bell, what would it take for you to not feel like you need to defend yourself?  What would it take for you to be more okay with who you are?  
Mel Brooks said, "Humor is just another defense against the universe."  What would it take for you to use more humor when you feel your defense lawyer surfacing?