190 Marbles
My daughter recently had a birthday but delayed her party because all of her friends were out of town (one of the cons of a summer birthday). We decided to have her party closer to when school got back in so that her friends would be able to attend but I got an email from Ex-man tonight saying that he had booked a birthday trip to a local island a month and a half after school started on the weekend when I work. This birthday party would take a couple of her friends and involve ferries and a hotel room and he was asking for me to chip in for it. I felt he was making choices from the “planet of me” when with our kids, I felt I should have been included in the process.
I felt reactive immediately. Why would he choose to book something for her birthday on a weekend when he knew I couldn’t attend? Why wouldn’t he have talked to me first? Why was I being excluded from the birthday plans when I was kind of instrumental in the actual birth? (Yes, I know it’s not about me, but I like being present to celebrate my daughter’s day.)
I made the mistake of phoning Ex-man when I was still feeling reactive. I questioned him on why he didn’t include me in the planning and why he chose a weekend when I’d be working. He told me that I could take the girls if I wanted to - it made no difference to him. In his new stance, the party would cost me the money for the nights I’d have to take off work as well as the expense of the trip - too much cash for a birthday party.
When I got off the phone with him, I realized that I had choices too. I opted out of Ex-man’s weekend and after talking with my daughter, I decided to have a small party for her when her friends got back into town. What she really wanted was to rent a limousine and tour around for an hour and then have a sleepover. After calling a few companies, what I had originally thought was extravagant, was actually affordable and something I could swing.
I’m also aware that although my Ex-husband and I have always managed to have a joint celebration for our son’s birthday, Ex-man and my breakup may require separate birthday parties and that’s okay. What our kids lose in togetherness, they’ll gain in having two celebrations. And I’m open for this to change as the marbles tick by…
What would it take for me to be less reactive with Ex-man? What would it take for me to be okay when I sense he’s doing exclusion?
Check out http://www.divorcehelpforparents.com/birthdays.html - an excellent reference on celebrating kids birthdays post breakup.
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