185 Marbles
Give me where to stand, and I will move the earth.
Archimedes
I had to fill my tank up with gas today and as I stood there with the pump in my hand, I recalled how Ex-man would always run the car until it barely had any gas in it. The light would be on and I would often wonder at what point we’d run out of gas. When I was pregnant, for some reason, I found this propensity of his particularly unnerving. I remember having an argument when we were going out one night because I wanted him to add some gas to the nearly empty tank and he refused to do it. I’ll admit that it was a quirk of mine, but being pregnant (and soon to be without an income and dependent upon him) I needed to feel that the bases were covered and gas in the tank would have made me feel more secure. (He used to feel secure having a fully-stocked pantry, my idiosyncrasy was a tank of gas - not necessarily a full one, just not light-flashing empty.)
I realize my lack of trust in his ability to take care of things could have been what he reacted to and why he refused to buy gas. But I had reason to be doubtful - he wasn’t making much money. I didn’t like the feeling of being dependent on someone who I didn’t trust financially. More importantly, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have agreed to my request and given me a Princess Bride’s “As you wish.” He was at no risk of being “whipped” or subjugated to my every whim as he was known for his stubborn streak. Occasionally simply agreeing would have been a welcome addition to our relationship.
On a deeper level, perhaps being with Ex-man challenged my ideas around security as I often felt like I had no real foundation upon which to stand. One of his gifts to me was to challenge me to stand on my own feet for it is only on my own two feet that I will move the earth.
What are the things that make you feel secure? Do they really offer you “1. Freedom from risk or danger; safety? Or 2. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear?” Is there anything that can give that to you?
Give me where to stand, and I will move the earth.
Archimedes
I had to fill my tank up with gas today and as I stood there with the pump in my hand, I recalled how Ex-man would always run the car until it barely had any gas in it. The light would be on and I would often wonder at what point we’d run out of gas. When I was pregnant, for some reason, I found this propensity of his particularly unnerving. I remember having an argument when we were going out one night because I wanted him to add some gas to the nearly empty tank and he refused to do it. I’ll admit that it was a quirk of mine, but being pregnant (and soon to be without an income and dependent upon him) I needed to feel that the bases were covered and gas in the tank would have made me feel more secure. (He used to feel secure having a fully-stocked pantry, my idiosyncrasy was a tank of gas - not necessarily a full one, just not light-flashing empty.)
I realize my lack of trust in his ability to take care of things could have been what he reacted to and why he refused to buy gas. But I had reason to be doubtful - he wasn’t making much money. I didn’t like the feeling of being dependent on someone who I didn’t trust financially. More importantly, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just have agreed to my request and given me a Princess Bride’s “As you wish.” He was at no risk of being “whipped” or subjugated to my every whim as he was known for his stubborn streak. Occasionally simply agreeing would have been a welcome addition to our relationship.
On a deeper level, perhaps being with Ex-man challenged my ideas around security as I often felt like I had no real foundation upon which to stand. One of his gifts to me was to challenge me to stand on my own feet for it is only on my own two feet that I will move the earth.
What are the things that make you feel secure? Do they really offer you “1. Freedom from risk or danger; safety? Or 2. Freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear?” Is there anything that can give that to you?
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