The way to be safe is never to be secure.
Benjamin Franklin
Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.
Gail Sheehy
I recently got an upgrade through my cellphone provider and was able to obtain a new iPhone. I really like my new phone especially because my old one was annoyingly difficult to turn on - if I held the “on” button for a second too long it would power and I’d have to reboot it.
My new phone is awesome. I purchased a little case for it from the internet - one that holds my credit card just in case I’m out and about and only have my phone on me. I was using my phone at work when one of the chefs saw my credit card in the case and said, “Jackpot!” I looked at him as he continued, “You keep your credit card in your case?” “So?” I responded. “I bet you don’t even have a passcode on it.” He was right. I didn’t. He continued to tell me how silly I was not to have it protected with a passcode and to have it come with a free shopping spree a la credit card. “What happens if it gets lost?” “I’m not planning on losing it,” I responded and he walked away, shaking his head.
I had a few more exchanges with various people that reiterated the same disbelief at my naivete. Finally I thought,”Maybe they’re right. You never plan on losing something, but if I did, it would be better to block someone from accessing my phone.”
So I got a passcode and used it for about a month until this weekend when I was riding home from work on my bike and I noticed a scratched iPhone on the cobblestones. I picked it up and saw the photo of a mother and child on the screen. The battery level was low but when I tried to get into the phone, it required a passcode. Damn, here I was trying to get this phone back to its owner and I was being blocked. The best I could do for the person was put up a sign saying the phone had been found. So far it hasn’t been claimed.
The event made me examine my worldview. Why would I think that someone “out there” would be malevolent? I could just as easily have the point of view that if I lost my phone, someone would try to get it back to me. So I got rid of the inconvenient passcode and my phone feels a bit lighter.
Don’t get me wrong - I still think it’s wise to lock my bike and car as there can be those who are out to make a buck and I like having my modes of transportation in my life. Similarly, if I lost my cellphone, I would cancel my credit card and give some time for the finder to call the “home” number on my phone before canceling my plan. I still have my metaphorical yard fenced in, but the gate isn’t locked shut as I have some great neighbors. I'm still playing with all of this - I'm aware that sometimes my possessions get heavy and possess me and sometimes they are a lighter contribution to my life. Yet an awareness doesn't mean I've figured it out.
Security is defined as freedom from risk or danger (a human impossibility) or alternatively security is freedom from doubt, anxiety, or fear (rare but not impossible). William O. Douglas once said, “Security can only be achieved through constant change, through discarding old ideas that have outlived their usefulness and adapting others to current facts.” The fact is, although I enjoy the objects in my life, they get heavier when I feel the constant need to protect them. Erich Fromm said, “The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.” My phone may not be secure, but I’m able to tolerate its insecurity. Lastly, safety expert Eleanor Everet noted, “For safety is not a gadget but a state of mind.” All of this really isn’t about an iPhone or a car or a bike. It’s really about how safe and secure I feel in this world.
This breakup has shaken at the roots of my security, especially since Ex-man and my roots had grown together over years. Yet I’m willing to entertain the possibility that maybe old Ben Franklin’s observation could be translated into the realm of relationships to read, “The way to be safe in a relationship is never to be secure.” Safety doesn’t translate to objects coming or going or people coming or going. My sense of security never has to come from a relationship but it can come from a state of mind - scratch that - a state of being.
Carl Jung said, “Protection and security are only valuable if they do not cramp life excessively.” Do you need to be in a relationship to feel secure? Does this cramp the relationship excessively?
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