255 Marbles
I have to let go of the idea of what things would look like in a perfect world. These idealistic illusions have many manifestations but one includes the vision of Ex-man and myself as lovers -just that, nothing else. Being lovers was the one thing we did really well. In this perfect world, I could call him up and invite him over, or vice versa, and we would lie down together and love each other because we do love each other. This perfect world looks a bit like Ben Kingsley and Patricia Clarkson in the movie Elegy. Very adult. Very needs based.
This fantasy isn’t because I think sex is a magic wand that would solve all our difficulties. This fantasy is because I’ve experienced considerable loss this past year and I’m not ready to say good-bye to this one area. It’s not like I’m going to act upon my fantasy, but I miss him physically - his soft places, his not so soft places – and I feel only slightly pathetic admitting it.
It’s mental boot camp to remind myself that despite that one area working extremely well, the other areas just didn’t work. Being a very logical person, he never quite grasped my emotional side. When we would discuss things and he would say, “From a logical perspective . . ., “ I knew we were immediately polarized. His subtext was, “I’m logical and you’re not.” As the poet Hafiz wrote, "Oh, you who are trying to learn the marvel of love through the copybook of reason, I’m very much afraid that you sill never really see the point."
In addition, he saw the world as compartmentalized; I see the world as interconnected. I relate to the naturalist, John Muir, when he observed, “When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.” My tendency annoyed him in arguments as I often saw the connections between what we were discussing and other issues and Ex-man was always reminding me to stay on topic. I rarely saw one topic, but many interrelated ones.
So back to my fantasy, I’m 110 Marbles in, I’m missing a lover and because Ex-man was a good one, I’m missing him. Can I allow myself to sit in this moment of perfect imperfection?
What do you miss most about your past relationship? Can you be okay with missing those parts for now while allowing the possibility of expanding into your future?
I have to let go of the idea of what things would look like in a perfect world. These idealistic illusions have many manifestations but one includes the vision of Ex-man and myself as lovers -just that, nothing else. Being lovers was the one thing we did really well. In this perfect world, I could call him up and invite him over, or vice versa, and we would lie down together and love each other because we do love each other. This perfect world looks a bit like Ben Kingsley and Patricia Clarkson in the movie Elegy. Very adult. Very needs based.
This fantasy isn’t because I think sex is a magic wand that would solve all our difficulties. This fantasy is because I’ve experienced considerable loss this past year and I’m not ready to say good-bye to this one area. It’s not like I’m going to act upon my fantasy, but I miss him physically - his soft places, his not so soft places – and I feel only slightly pathetic admitting it.
It’s mental boot camp to remind myself that despite that one area working extremely well, the other areas just didn’t work. Being a very logical person, he never quite grasped my emotional side. When we would discuss things and he would say, “From a logical perspective . . ., “ I knew we were immediately polarized. His subtext was, “I’m logical and you’re not.” As the poet Hafiz wrote, "Oh, you who are trying to learn the marvel of love through the copybook of reason, I’m very much afraid that you sill never really see the point."
In addition, he saw the world as compartmentalized; I see the world as interconnected. I relate to the naturalist, John Muir, when he observed, “When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.” My tendency annoyed him in arguments as I often saw the connections between what we were discussing and other issues and Ex-man was always reminding me to stay on topic. I rarely saw one topic, but many interrelated ones.
So back to my fantasy, I’m 110 Marbles in, I’m missing a lover and because Ex-man was a good one, I’m missing him. Can I allow myself to sit in this moment of perfect imperfection?
What do you miss most about your past relationship? Can you be okay with missing those parts for now while allowing the possibility of expanding into your future?
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