181 Marbles
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
When I was sixteen and in love with Ex-man, I took a trip with my parents to Saskatoon to visit family. I wasn’t thrilled with being taken away from my friends in the summertime and I was more upset with being taken away from Ex-man (then Ex-boy) who might have the opportunity to hook-up with another girl. To combat my homesickness, I’d go for runs to a local park. My goal was to perambulate the park ten times. Coincidentally, ten was the number of letters in Ex-boy’s name, so each time I’d go around the park, I’d think of one of the letters in his name. In hindsight, the whole thing seems completely obsessive and neurotic. I’d like to think it was the foolishness of youth but here I am, another neurotic numbers game, but this time with marbles. This time it’s not about connection, this time it’s about letting go. This time it’s not about loving another. This time it’s about loving myself.
I’ve been to that same park twice since I was sixteen. The first time I revisited it with Ex-man when we re-united. Ironically, he was living in Saskatoon, halfway across our big country and only a few blocks away from the park where I had run as a 16-year-old girl. When I revisited the park with him, it was an affirmation of faith and dreams coming true. The next time I visited the park was alone, when I went to Saskatoon to bury my father. By then my relationship with Ex-man was over. At that point, it was about old dreams being buried.
Today is the almost-halfway point of my Rainman marble thing. Today I imagine myself back at that park with the younger me. Today I ask my younger self to run around the park in reverse not to erase Ex-man in my life but to unwind all my attachments to Ex-man and Ex-boy. As I do this, I feel something unraveling deep inside my belly. It is time to let go and call my spirit back.
“Having looked the past in the eye, having asked for forgiveness and having made amends, let us shut the door on the past - not in order to forget it but in order not to allow it to imprison us.” Desmond Tutu
What would it take for you to forgive, make amends, shut the door, and not let your breakup imprison you?
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
When I was sixteen and in love with Ex-man, I took a trip with my parents to Saskatoon to visit family. I wasn’t thrilled with being taken away from my friends in the summertime and I was more upset with being taken away from Ex-man (then Ex-boy) who might have the opportunity to hook-up with another girl. To combat my homesickness, I’d go for runs to a local park. My goal was to perambulate the park ten times. Coincidentally, ten was the number of letters in Ex-boy’s name, so each time I’d go around the park, I’d think of one of the letters in his name. In hindsight, the whole thing seems completely obsessive and neurotic. I’d like to think it was the foolishness of youth but here I am, another neurotic numbers game, but this time with marbles. This time it’s not about connection, this time it’s about letting go. This time it’s not about loving another. This time it’s about loving myself.
I’ve been to that same park twice since I was sixteen. The first time I revisited it with Ex-man when we re-united. Ironically, he was living in Saskatoon, halfway across our big country and only a few blocks away from the park where I had run as a 16-year-old girl. When I revisited the park with him, it was an affirmation of faith and dreams coming true. The next time I visited the park was alone, when I went to Saskatoon to bury my father. By then my relationship with Ex-man was over. At that point, it was about old dreams being buried.
Today is the almost-halfway point of my Rainman marble thing. Today I imagine myself back at that park with the younger me. Today I ask my younger self to run around the park in reverse not to erase Ex-man in my life but to unwind all my attachments to Ex-man and Ex-boy. As I do this, I feel something unraveling deep inside my belly. It is time to let go and call my spirit back.
“Having looked the past in the eye, having asked for forgiveness and having made amends, let us shut the door on the past - not in order to forget it but in order not to allow it to imprison us.” Desmond Tutu
What would it take for you to forgive, make amends, shut the door, and not let your breakup imprison you?
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