159 Marbles
In August, my husband and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realized? If I had killed that man the first time I thought about it, I’d have been out of jail by now.
Anita Milner
I had a prof who used to say, “There are only two conversations: Yes and no.” I used to think it was a simplistic way to look at the world, now I’ve noticed some validity to his worldview. When I watch two people conversing and there were two yeses, the people are engaged and fully communicating. When there was a yes and a no, there is one who is engaged (or trying to sell him/herself), and one who is disengaged. In the latter, there is more tension and you can sometimes pick up on yeses and no’s just by examining their body language.
This dynamic cab be extrapolated to relationships. When relationships flourish, it’s because there are two yeses. With breakups, there is at least one no, usually for a sustained amount of time. And with most relationships it isn’t so black and white or green (go) and red (stop). There is the blinking yellow (proceed with caution). Usually there is some fluidity between the various states, as well as the probability of waking up one day and feeling a big “no” towards your partner only to have it shift (as the above quote comically illustrates).
I had to deal with Ex-man regarding the kids yesterday and I found our interaction frustrating. I’ve often felt that Ex-man has a big “no” in his universe. I feel like I’m dealing with a wall, that there is little flexibility in moving towards a solution that works for everyone. It’s as if he got stuck in the toddler stage of saying “no” and forty years later, it’s not nearly as cute.
Ex-man willingly describes himself as stubborn, but the self-awareness doesn’t make any difference in dealing with him. It’s still can be challenging. During yesterday’s conversation, I felt that same familiar rigidity of “no” coming from him. Rather than trying to sway him, I cut our conversation short and then tried to figure out what was really going on. When I talked to him later, I was less reactive to his “no” and we were able to agree on what needed to be done with the kids.
What I know is that relationships don’t need to have so much tension built into them - it doesn’t have to be so difficult. I’m looking forward to finding someone who has more of a “yes” in his/her universe…
What would it take to get to yes more easily with Ex-man? Or what would it take for me to feel less hooked in when I feel his no? What would it take for me to focus more on the areas where he is completely cooperative (where there is flow in our co-parenting) and less on the areas of contention?
In August, my husband and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realized? If I had killed that man the first time I thought about it, I’d have been out of jail by now.
Anita Milner
I had a prof who used to say, “There are only two conversations: Yes and no.” I used to think it was a simplistic way to look at the world, now I’ve noticed some validity to his worldview. When I watch two people conversing and there were two yeses, the people are engaged and fully communicating. When there was a yes and a no, there is one who is engaged (or trying to sell him/herself), and one who is disengaged. In the latter, there is more tension and you can sometimes pick up on yeses and no’s just by examining their body language.
This dynamic cab be extrapolated to relationships. When relationships flourish, it’s because there are two yeses. With breakups, there is at least one no, usually for a sustained amount of time. And with most relationships it isn’t so black and white or green (go) and red (stop). There is the blinking yellow (proceed with caution). Usually there is some fluidity between the various states, as well as the probability of waking up one day and feeling a big “no” towards your partner only to have it shift (as the above quote comically illustrates).
I had to deal with Ex-man regarding the kids yesterday and I found our interaction frustrating. I’ve often felt that Ex-man has a big “no” in his universe. I feel like I’m dealing with a wall, that there is little flexibility in moving towards a solution that works for everyone. It’s as if he got stuck in the toddler stage of saying “no” and forty years later, it’s not nearly as cute.
Ex-man willingly describes himself as stubborn, but the self-awareness doesn’t make any difference in dealing with him. It’s still can be challenging. During yesterday’s conversation, I felt that same familiar rigidity of “no” coming from him. Rather than trying to sway him, I cut our conversation short and then tried to figure out what was really going on. When I talked to him later, I was less reactive to his “no” and we were able to agree on what needed to be done with the kids.
What I know is that relationships don’t need to have so much tension built into them - it doesn’t have to be so difficult. I’m looking forward to finding someone who has more of a “yes” in his/her universe…
What would it take to get to yes more easily with Ex-man? Or what would it take for me to feel less hooked in when I feel his no? What would it take for me to focus more on the areas where he is completely cooperative (where there is flow in our co-parenting) and less on the areas of contention?
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