Depression?

323 Marbles 
Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
Hermann Hesse
 
   I woke up early this morning feeling completely depressed- a strange feeling for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been sad before but I’ve always been able to have hope for the future.  Today, I can’t feel the hope.  I feel like Pandora with a completely empty box.
   I had a dream early in the night that Ex-man and I were making love.  Our two children were toddlers and they were in the room watching us.  Our daughter was wide-eyed and I sensed that she was taking in everything about how two people love each other.  In the dream I got pregnant and the fetus was too big so I had to ingest something to kill it. My son wanted to keep the baby and cried when the fetus died.  When I woke up I felt bereft.  The baby was our relationship and we killed it.  I miss Ex-man’s love and I feel the huge responsibility of modeling how to love to my children. So far, I can't say that the modeling has been optimal. 
   When I went back to sleep, I had another dream.  I was being pulled over for negligent driving.  I stopped my car and a van of officers were writing me a ticket.  I was stopping traffic so I moved my car and when I did, I lost the police officers but when I got out and looked for them, they were gone.  What I found instead was a new friend - someone I knew but didn’t know.  I told her that Ex-man and I had broken up and she said, “That’s great news!” What? Great news? I was feeling sad.  She said, "You have your freedom now.  You're breaking old patterns and you can walk into the future."  I don’t feel so free but her excitement was almost contagious. 
   Yet I woke up in the morning feeling depressed.  When I sat in the feeling I realized I am trying to hold onto people and old ways of being.  I know I am in a liminal phase when the old hasn’t completely left and the new hasn’t completely come in.  I am in pain because I’m holding onto the old.  The words “Let go” kept coming into my mind and as I tried to release my sticky fingers from everything that I’m trying to hold onto, I felt more at peace knowing that empty space is okay, at least for today.  

Peter Senge wrote, "People don't resist change.  They resist being changed."  This breakup will change you.  Are there things/people/places that you need to pry from your sticky fingers?  What would it take to let go?