Anger

332 Marbles
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha

   It’s been over a month since Ex-man left.  I recall standing in front of the answering machine, listening as he told me that he was staying at his new place.  Poor, confused me.  We had lived together for nine months after our breakup and I had suffered the discomfort of the final trimester of wanting him out of our shared space.  But, standing by the answering machine, all I wanted was an obstetrician that could push him back in.  
   As the days progressed, my anger has grown.  What?  No exit interview?  No note of good-bye after over twelve years together?  No closure? I think my mind and heart would have an easier time feeling that there was closure if I didn’t have to see him all the time.  I devised a way to communicate with him about the kids using a notebook.  It is a safeguard- if something comes out wrong, I can rip out the page. 
   Even still, I remain angry at his standoffishness.  Yep, I do realize that a breakup is more than a standoff – it’s a walk away.  But somehow his exit strategy depicted everything that went wrong in our relationship: his tendency to draw away and cut off all forms of communication, my tendency to try to communicate.  
   This was (and apparently still is) our pattern.  In keeping with it, when I saw him today I said, "So I guess this is the way a relationship ends?” (Yes, I realize that it sounds like a line from a bad soap.)  He answered, “You’re too angry to talk with me.” My response, “You don’t get it, it’s your complete withdrawal that makes me angry. “ And so you have it, our particular version of the chicken or the egg. 
   I kind of see the point: What’s the use of standing at the scene of a car crash, deciding exactly what happened?  All the curious neck-craning only ever leads to more crashes.  Better to climb out of the wreckage, attend to my injuries, my kids’ injuries.  The investigating can wait. The investigating is part of the job of the marbles. 

Again, no answers here, only the questions that I ask myself, “What will help me accept that it is over, let go, and move on with my life?”  "What will help me let go of the hot coal of anger?"