325 Marbles
Remember where you came from, where you're going, and why you created the mess you got yourself into in the first place.
Richard Bach
A lawyer is a good thing in many big breakups but I am relieved to say that I have not had to employ one for the breakups in which I have partaken. True, there weren’t the large assets that needed disbursing, but there were children involved and those are sometimes delicate negotiations.
I find that frequently the first thing people do when there is a major breakup or divorce is find a lawyer. This often sets an acrimonious tone for the separation as lawyers are meant to work on their client’s behalf to negotiate the client’s interests. Maybe this is a necessary step for most people to take life from an “us” negotiation to a “me” negotiation but I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to employ a mediator whose goal is to negotiate for the whole family unit as it disbands.
Sometimes I think it would be good to subcontract my anger to a lawyer. I’d delegate and say, “Look, he’s been an asshole and I’m pissed, and I deserve . . .” The lawyer could take my blame and sense of entitlement, don some boxing gloves and head into the ring we call court. It’s a bit of a fantasy, but it’s not for the financially challenged, and I’m sure it would only cause me more pain and alienation.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve asked for what I’ve needed and Ex-man is helping me financially until I finish school in eighteen months. In addition, he is responsible for our kids for half the time and he pays for half of their expenses, including half of their education funds. This was an expense that we had already established, but post breakup it is even more important. Consider the desire to help our children through college in a decade or so. By then, who knows what the configuration of the family will look like - other spouses? Other half-siblings? It was essential to both of us that we knew that our children were taken care of and that their education goals would be covered.
Remember where you came from, where you're going, and why you created the mess you got yourself into in the first place.
Richard Bach
A lawyer is a good thing in many big breakups but I am relieved to say that I have not had to employ one for the breakups in which I have partaken. True, there weren’t the large assets that needed disbursing, but there were children involved and those are sometimes delicate negotiations.
I find that frequently the first thing people do when there is a major breakup or divorce is find a lawyer. This often sets an acrimonious tone for the separation as lawyers are meant to work on their client’s behalf to negotiate the client’s interests. Maybe this is a necessary step for most people to take life from an “us” negotiation to a “me” negotiation but I wonder if it wouldn’t be better to employ a mediator whose goal is to negotiate for the whole family unit as it disbands.
Sometimes I think it would be good to subcontract my anger to a lawyer. I’d delegate and say, “Look, he’s been an asshole and I’m pissed, and I deserve . . .” The lawyer could take my blame and sense of entitlement, don some boxing gloves and head into the ring we call court. It’s a bit of a fantasy, but it’s not for the financially challenged, and I’m sure it would only cause me more pain and alienation.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve asked for what I’ve needed and Ex-man is helping me financially until I finish school in eighteen months. In addition, he is responsible for our kids for half the time and he pays for half of their expenses, including half of their education funds. This was an expense that we had already established, but post breakup it is even more important. Consider the desire to help our children through college in a decade or so. By then, who knows what the configuration of the family will look like - other spouses? Other half-siblings? It was essential to both of us that we knew that our children were taken care of and that their education goals would be covered.
When my ex-husband and I divorced, the judge sent back the papers twice and his lawyer had to call me into his office to make sure that I understood the rights that I was forgoing in the divorce - the right to support payments, half of his assets (which were family assets), etc. I understood that I was giving up these "rights" but I also understood that I was a capable woman who would always have my ex's support in raising our child. There was no victim and given the same situation today, I would make the same choice.
Similarly, I think the deal Ex-man and I struck is a fair deal, given that we never bought any real estate together. My sister and my boss think I’m crazy to not go for more of his assets as we lived in and fixed up his house and had kids together. But he came into the relationship with the house and I never intended it to be my house if he were no longer in the picture. When I get into fear, I second-guess myself - I think, “What if all my dreams come to nothing and I end up retiring a waitress at 65.” The thought of this sends me reeling but that’s when a clear, calm voice says to me, “Let it go. Any wealth you will have in this lifetime will not come from this man.”
Similarly, I think the deal Ex-man and I struck is a fair deal, given that we never bought any real estate together. My sister and my boss think I’m crazy to not go for more of his assets as we lived in and fixed up his house and had kids together. But he came into the relationship with the house and I never intended it to be my house if he were no longer in the picture. When I get into fear, I second-guess myself - I think, “What if all my dreams come to nothing and I end up retiring a waitress at 65.” The thought of this sends me reeling but that’s when a clear, calm voice says to me, “Let it go. Any wealth you will have in this lifetime will not come from this man.”
Consider the process of getting a lawyer. Is it the best alternative for your particular breakup? Sometimes a breakup is so charged that a lawyer is the best way to help get to clarity of vision.
Is it possible that a mediator could work to encourage reason and fairness when negotiating the terms of the breakup? A mediator can often set a less charged tone to the negotiations.
Consider what you need to support you post breakup. Which needs should be part of the separation agreement? Which ones do you need to cover yourself?
Ostensibly, you once loved this person with whom you have split. Can you stay out of hate and hurt as you work towards a fair settlement?
No comments:
Post a Comment