Eight Hugs a Day

85 Marbles

    Yesterday I talked about my penchant for exploring the world through audio tapes while I drive around my piece of the world in my car.  Another favorite past times is watching TEDtalks, those insightful, informative 20 minute speeches given by passionate people around the world about what makes them excited. 
     I was listening to one of these talks recently given by Paul Zak, a man affectionately known as Dr. Love (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFAdlU2ETjU). Dr. Love prescribes getting 8 hugs a day to release the hormone oxytocin, a hormone that he describes as a moral hormone - the hormone that makes us feel connected to people and feel empathy.  He says that people who release oxytocin are happier and have better relationships of all types.  According to Zak, there are three things that inhibit this influential hormone: lack of nurturing (the hormone release system doesn’t develop properly); stress (when we don’t act our best); and testosterone (makes us become more selfish).
     Apparently weddings increase oxytocin, particularly in the bride and the bride’s mother, but the effects trickle through the guest list. He postulates that we designed the wedding tradition to connect us emotionally to the new couple and inadvertently ensure the survival of the species.  He also noted that getting a massage, dancing and praying raise oxytocin levels (coincidentally, often at least one of these activities is involved in the wedding ceremony).
     This tweaked my interest.  If weddings increase oxytocin, what do breakups/divorces do?
     Let’s rewind a moment to the factors that inhibit oxytocin release: lack of nurturing (hmmm, a breakup/divorce is usually the opposite of nurturing); stress (breakups are notoriously stressful times); and testosterone release. Now testosterone is an interesting one.  A study called Marriage, Divorce and Male Testosterone (Joelhttp://cogprints.org/632/1/Joel.html) reported “testosterone is relatively high during the years surrounding divorce.” In competitive situations, testosterone increases as in the “competition between spouses for children, for material possessions, and for self respect” often found in divorce. (And PS, testosterone levels aren’t only in males, another study showed that in certain combative careers, such as a trial attorney, both male and females had increased testosterone levels).
     What does all this mean? Well, I’m not a scientist but here’s what I postulate…for most people, the experience of divorce/breakup is not only emotionally draining but it may have a biological component to it (other than the fight or flight response). If oxytocin levels are what make us feel connection to others, when there is a über disconnection, such as a breakup/divorce, oxytocin levels may decrease. In addition, breakups generally have all the ingredients (lack of nurturing, stress, and testosterone) that inhibit the release of what allows us to feel empathy. This may explain how two people who, at one time, felt enough love to unite their lives can, when the divorce card gets played, turn competitive, self-serving, and everything opposite of empathetic.  The question is, how do we overcome the biological determinism of breakup/divorce and create something that is less damaging for the individuals involved?

Could you engage in activities that would allow you to feel connection: Dance? Prayer? Getting a massage? Getting/giving hugs? And here’s the big question…what would it take for you to feel empathy for your ex?

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