83 Marbles
It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.
Gretory David Roberts, "Shantaram"
In 1932, a Harvard professor named Walter Bradford Cannon published a theory known as Fight or Flight - the individual can either fight or flee against something that is threatening. With breakups, this theory is often reversed, if one of the individuals in a relationship wants to flee, it becomes a threat and the fight response kicks in. The fight response can take many forms but the most common form is a nasty litigious divorce.
Why does this happen? Perhaps for many people, the termination of a relationship triggers survival mechanisms and the competitive urge to be the fittest or to look out for oneself. But even Cannon’s theory was eventually deemed too simplistic as there are many ways to respond to a threat, for example, some animals freeze, some camoflage, some play dead. Similarly, there are many ways to respond to a breakup other than fighting: some people engage in another type of flight and withdraw socially, become depressed or drink too much; some people stand in openhearted integrity as in yesterday’s marble; and some people grab marbles and try to turn a “negative situation” into an opportunity for more awareness.
We are not just a jumble of automated responses to stimuli. We have choice. Yes, there may be a prehistoric reaction that is triggered but as humans, we have the ability to override those baser instincts. We have choice. Yes, a breakup may feel threatening, but why? What would it take to see each others desire to choose something else as less of a threat? We have choice in how to frame the breakup, and as Roberts writes, "that freedom is a universe of possibility."
It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.
Gretory David Roberts, "Shantaram"
In 1932, a Harvard professor named Walter Bradford Cannon published a theory known as Fight or Flight - the individual can either fight or flee against something that is threatening. With breakups, this theory is often reversed, if one of the individuals in a relationship wants to flee, it becomes a threat and the fight response kicks in. The fight response can take many forms but the most common form is a nasty litigious divorce.
Why does this happen? Perhaps for many people, the termination of a relationship triggers survival mechanisms and the competitive urge to be the fittest or to look out for oneself. But even Cannon’s theory was eventually deemed too simplistic as there are many ways to respond to a threat, for example, some animals freeze, some camoflage, some play dead. Similarly, there are many ways to respond to a breakup other than fighting: some people engage in another type of flight and withdraw socially, become depressed or drink too much; some people stand in openhearted integrity as in yesterday’s marble; and some people grab marbles and try to turn a “negative situation” into an opportunity for more awareness.
We are not just a jumble of automated responses to stimuli. We have choice. Yes, there may be a prehistoric reaction that is triggered but as humans, we have the ability to override those baser instincts. We have choice. Yes, a breakup may feel threatening, but why? What would it take to see each others desire to choose something else as less of a threat? We have choice in how to frame the breakup, and as Roberts writes, "that freedom is a universe of possibility."
When it comes down to it, a breakup happens when one or both of the individuals in a relationship desire to create something else. When I think this about Ex-man’s choice to leave the relationship, I tend to take it less personally. When I take it less personally, I feel a shift from my smaller, petty self to my larger, magnanimous self. And isn’t this the self that I’d like to align with?
How do you frame your breakup? Is it working for you? If not, could you choose to frame your breakup differently? What do you want the story of your life to be?
How do you frame your breakup? Is it working for you? If not, could you choose to frame your breakup differently? What do you want the story of your life to be?
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