67 Marbles
This morning I found some bits of poems that I wrote whilst with Ex-man. From where I’m sitting now, it was odd to be transported back into moments where, clearly, I wasn’t happy in our relationship. While it may be true that we seldom stop and pick up a pen at those moments when we’re feeling joyous and connected, reading those word bites from years ago made me note that even then, the writing was on the wall.
The ones that stuck out were:
You call yourself a gardener
But are you, really?
If you shower all your love and tenderness on our kids
yet refuse to water me.
And…
Opportunity Costs
I wonder how many tender lovers
I’m missing while I spend time
here
with you?
It’s not like I gave these excerpts to Ex-man in his birthday card, nor did his eyes ever see the words yet the sentiments were woven into our relationship. The question begs to be asked: Why would I stay so long in a relationship that was not a good fit? The last 300ish marbles have gleaned some answers to the question including - a desire to keep my family together, a certain “familyarity” to the dynamic, a subconscious feeling that I didn’t deserve more - just to name a few.
I recently read the following passage from Shantaram that made me stop and ponder:
A man has to find a good woman, and when he finds her he has to win her love. Then he has to earn her respect. Then he has to cherish her trust. And then he has to, like, go on doing that for as long as they live. Until they both die. That’s what it’s all about. That’s the most important thing in the world. That’s what a man is. A man is truly a man when he wins the love of a good woman, earns her respect, and keeps her trust. Until you can do that, you’re not a man.
This quote puts a lot of onus on the man, but it goes on to say that it doesn’t make a difference about the genders of those involved - it could be two men or even two women - the important thing is the respect and trust. What I realized is that I didn’t really respect Ex-man, I didn’t respect his worldview nor did I usually respect his opinion. Sure, I had basic respect for him as a fellow human, and I had enough respect for him not to cheat on him, but even that could be deemed more a reflection of my own integrity and self respect. I’ve had respect for past partners so when it’s missing, it should’ve been more obvious but until I read the passage, I didn’t realize just how missing it was. And then, regrettably, there’s that blanket statement that’s supposed to cover over all insufficiencies, “But I loved him.” Ugh!
So, let’s take the topic of respect full circle and bring it back to me - why would I be with someone that I didn’t respect if I truly respected myself?
Did you respect your X? If not, was that truly a reflection of a lack of respect for yourself?
You call yourself a gardener
But are you, really?
If you shower all your love and tenderness on our kids
yet refuse to water me.
And…
Opportunity Costs
I wonder how many tender lovers
I’m missing while I spend time
here
with you?
It’s not like I gave these excerpts to Ex-man in his birthday card, nor did his eyes ever see the words yet the sentiments were woven into our relationship. The question begs to be asked: Why would I stay so long in a relationship that was not a good fit? The last 300ish marbles have gleaned some answers to the question including - a desire to keep my family together, a certain “familyarity” to the dynamic, a subconscious feeling that I didn’t deserve more - just to name a few.
I recently read the following passage from Shantaram that made me stop and ponder:
A man has to find a good woman, and when he finds her he has to win her love. Then he has to earn her respect. Then he has to cherish her trust. And then he has to, like, go on doing that for as long as they live. Until they both die. That’s what it’s all about. That’s the most important thing in the world. That’s what a man is. A man is truly a man when he wins the love of a good woman, earns her respect, and keeps her trust. Until you can do that, you’re not a man.
This quote puts a lot of onus on the man, but it goes on to say that it doesn’t make a difference about the genders of those involved - it could be two men or even two women - the important thing is the respect and trust. What I realized is that I didn’t really respect Ex-man, I didn’t respect his worldview nor did I usually respect his opinion. Sure, I had basic respect for him as a fellow human, and I had enough respect for him not to cheat on him, but even that could be deemed more a reflection of my own integrity and self respect. I’ve had respect for past partners so when it’s missing, it should’ve been more obvious but until I read the passage, I didn’t realize just how missing it was. And then, regrettably, there’s that blanket statement that’s supposed to cover over all insufficiencies, “But I loved him.” Ugh!
So, let’s take the topic of respect full circle and bring it back to me - why would I be with someone that I didn’t respect if I truly respected myself?
Did you respect your X? If not, was that truly a reflection of a lack of respect for yourself?
Did your X show respect for you?
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