I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

64 Marbles 

It’s the journey you want. There is no destination that will finally satisfy you. Ever.
Abraham Hicks

     In Marble 70 I journeyed into the world of “successful” people who weren’t happy. This made me realize that the destination of success in a writing career won’t make me happy because there will always be something else on the horizon on which to focus. If you equate happiness with a destination, happiness becomes the moving water mirage that you can never quite reach to quench the thirst of desire.  I knew I had to shift my framework. But what would I switch it to when all around me I see the idea that achievement/consumerism are the keys to a successful life?
     Dukkha, translated as suffering/dissatisfaction/anxiety, is one of the noble truths of Buddhism. Human life is seen to experience Dukkha in three ways: the physical suffering of being in a human form (being born, illness, and dying); the suffering produced by trying to hold onto things that are constantly in flux (like trying to hold onto the dream of a relationship that is long gone); and the lack of satisfaction felt when things don’t meet up to our expectations or standards (I know this one well too). Ugh! Is my suffering and dissatisfaction part of my birthright or is there a paradigm shift that will allow me to be happy regardless of my actual circumstances?
     I’ve been pondering these questions over the last few marbles when a friend sent me this thirst-quenching link:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaPtFa_9760&feature=share Wow! These were the words that I needed to hear. Thanks to Abraham Hicks who gave this insight into the gap between desire and manifestation:

     The majority of my work is getting up to speed with my idea…The fact that I’m calling it (the goal) BIG means I’m not up to speed with it otherwise I’d be calling it normal, logical, certain, or inevitable…BIG just emphasizes the gap between where I am and what I want.  It’s certain, inevitable, eventual. I’m going to have fun in the honing of the vibration that allows it to come to me and the longer it takes, the more fun I’ll have.  If it comes tomorrow, then I’ll be looking for something else. 
     I like that I’ve given birth to this and I like that it’s mine and I like the journey on the way to it. And when it manifests, I’ll be better for having wanted it. If you’ll let the journey be your goal rather than the destination, then you’re having instant success and the manifestation is certain. But if the destination is your goal and you’re not there, now you’re introducing resistance which will hold it off until you stop doing that.
Let go of the absence of it. Let go of the manifested absence of it before the manifested presence will be yours.  Say, “I always get what I want eventually. I now understand the laws of the universe. My singular endeavor is to ready myself for the receiving of it in my grid…I’ve just got to bring my vibration in my grid up to the vibrational level of it and then I will experience the revelation of the path along the way. So much fun.
 

     Hmmm, sounds familiar. I interrupt this to insert a similar viewpoint from Einstein:

"Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics."
 
Now back to Abraham:

      If we’ve convinced you that it’s the journey you want, then we’re home free, or you are, but if you think that this is a conversation that will lead you more quickly to the destination that you’re unhappy without, then we’ve made no headway at all. 
You’re used to focusing on manifestations and having celebrations when a manifestation happens.
     The more fun you’re having, the faster your track is unfolding for the manifestation but there’s no rush because the manifestation is certain. But if you’re not uneasy in the pre-manifestation stages then it will come more quickly and you’ll have more fun along the way.
     Say, “I’ve done the work. I’m trying to figure out how to bring myself up to speed. There’s nothing that I can do right now that can speed it along because if I offer my action in the attitude that I’m speeding it along then I’m focused on the absence of it and I’m shooting myself in the foot. So if I wait for inspired action then when the inspired action comes then I have that triumphant moment of knowing that it has come.”
     Everything you want is so you will feel better so if you can figure out how to feel better before it comes along then you will have it figured out. 

Bingo! So my only job is to bring my presence to the journey, day to day, marble by marble. With my focus in the present moment I say,”I am here. You find me.”

Can you switch your focus from the horizon the the place where you are standing? Can you wait for inspired action to inform your next move?

* Check out Tom Shadyac’s documentary, “I Am”  http://iamthedoc.com/ available on iTunes



“Empire State of Mind”

65 Marbles 

     In yesterday’s marble I mentioned an interview with Jay-Z in which he viewed an uncertain future as exciting.  What also struck me is that he viewed the past through a positive filter as well.  He described his youth as a great upbringing despite being born and raised in the projects in Brooklyn without a father in his formative years.  As a child, he would play in the courtyards of the buildings and every so often, guys would run through the grounds shooting oozies and all the kids would have to run inside until the coast was clear. This makes my growing up in a middle-income disjointed family peppered with mental illness seem like a breeze. 
     Jay-Z’s attitude was that he learned so much from his past.  I was talking with my running partner about this yesterday during our jog. His point of view was similar to my daughter’s yesterday that, it’s easy to view the past through rose-colored glasses when in your present, you’re “cruisin’ down 8 street, off- white Lexus.” If he hadn’t done well, the past may have been used as an explanation or the thing that held him back. I understand my running partner's point of view, yet again, I wonder if Jay-Z's positive attitude came after success or was it one of the contributing factors to the building of his music, philanthropic, and business empire?
     The word empire comes from the Latin word imperium meaning power or authority. Is it possible that we harness the greatest power when we receive "what is" with equanimity rather than resistance? Doesn’t it serve us better to juice every ounce of learning out of our past instead of judging it for what it wasn’t? And if it’s true what the poet Hafiz wrote, “The place where you are right now, God circled on the map for you,” isn’t it equally true that the place where you were was circled as well? Why judge God’s cartography skills?
     This attitude may also be applied to the post breakup landscape. It is now my mental challenge that whenever I go into judgment of my relationship with Ex-man or my childhood that wasn’t Norman Rockwell, I will flex my mental muscle of equanimity and say, “I learned so much from where I’ve come from.” Thanks, family; thanks, Ex-man; and a shout out to Jay-Z.  

If your past wasn't what you'd have consciously chosen, can you resist judgment and juice learning out of it? If your present breakup landscape isn't what you would have consciously chosen, can you try framing it as a great learning experience? Could it be that all the places in your past were circled on the map for you?

Anxiety vs. Excitement

66 Marbles 

There are only two uses we can put our imagination to: one is anxiety the other is creativity. You get to choose.  
Deepak Chopra

     I’ve been waking up early all week, anxious about deadlines for my last week of school, worried about what I’m doing planning a trip down to New Orleans during the financially demanding month of December. The worrier in me thinks I’m nuts. Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom” (with that definition, I must be feeling very free). With freedom we have the ability to make uncorsetted decisions, but it’s those decisions that are the major cause of my anxiety. 
     Last night I was driving my daughter to a class through our city’s skid row.  My kids commented on how the neighborhood was sketchy. I told them that things are always changing and in ten years, that area would look different too.  I pointed out an old bank building reno’d for newer condos, old hotels coming down that were being replaced by new office space, an interior design store, and new and trendy restaurants. My youngest son commented, “But if the future is dark, this area will be the first to go.” Hmmm, how could such a young boy be thinking about a dark future? Is it genetic?
     Then I told them about a recent interview I had seen with Jay-Z in which he was commenting about all the changes in the music industry, how the revenue streams were shifting, how the old forms were not applicable any longer. His response to the changing tides was, “It’s such an exciting time.” I commented to my kids that sometimes the difference between someone who is successful and someone who isn't is the mindset on how they address the world,  “What he views as excitement, many people would view as worrisome.” My daughter responded, “Mom, he’s part of the A team. Even if he never made another cent, he’d still be okay.” But which came first, his successful mindset or his success?
     Anxiety and excitement are very similar in the body. When I feel them, they are almost the same energy but with a small adjustment in between similar to the shift from fourth to fifth gears in a standard car. And just like driving a standard car, if you’re someone who readily goes into the gear of anxiety, you’ll need to consciously put in the clutch and switch into excitement, your transmission won’t do it for you. 
     So, let’s switch from fourth to fifth and feel how excited I am to be finishing my school term and going to New Orleans. Then I’ll drive into my bright and exciting future…

Can you feel what it's like to be anxious? Now can you feel what it's like to be excited? If you're someone that goes into anxiety, could you manually shift the gears and feel excitement?

Less-than-Love Poems

67 Marbles

      This morning I found some bits of poems that I wrote whilst with Ex-man.  From where I’m sitting now, it was odd to be transported back into moments where, clearly, I wasn’t happy in our relationship. While it may be true that we seldom stop and pick up a pen at those moments when we’re feeling joyous and connected, reading those word bites from years ago made me note that even then, the writing was on the wall. 

The ones that stuck out were:

You call yourself a gardener
But are you, really?
If you shower all your love and tenderness on our kids
yet refuse to water me.

And…

Opportunity Costs
I wonder how many tender lovers
I’m missing while I spend time
here
with you?

      It’s not like I gave these excerpts to Ex-man in his birthday card, nor did his eyes ever see the words yet the sentiments were woven into our relationship. The question begs to be asked: Why would I stay so long in a relationship that was not a good fit? The last 300ish marbles have gleaned some answers to the question including - a desire to keep my family together, a certain “familyarity” to the dynamic, a subconscious feeling that I didn’t deserve more - just to name a few.
     I recently read the following passage from Shantaram that made me stop and ponder:
A man has to find a good woman, and when he finds her he has to win her love. Then he has to earn her respect. Then he has to cherish her trust. And then he has to, like, go on doing that for as long as they live. Until they both die. That’s what it’s all about. That’s the most important thing in the world. That’s what a man is. A man is truly a man when he wins the love of a good woman, earns her respect, and keeps her trust. Until you can do that, you’re not a man.
     This quote puts a lot of onus on the man, but it goes on to say that it doesn’t make a difference about the genders of those involved - it could be two men or even two women - the important thing is the respect and trust. What I realized is that I didn’t really respect Ex-man, I didn’t respect his worldview nor did I usually respect his opinion.  Sure, I had basic respect for him as a fellow human, and I had enough respect for him not to cheat on him, but even that could be deemed more a reflection of my own integrity and self respect. I’ve had respect for past partners so when it’s missing, it should’ve been more obvious but until I read the passage, I didn’t realize just how missing it was.  And then, regrettably, there’s that blanket statement that’s supposed to cover over all insufficiencies, “But I loved him.” Ugh!
     So, let’s take the topic of respect full circle and bring it back to me - why would I be with someone that I didn’t respect if I truly respected myself?

Did you respect your X? If not, was that truly a reflection of a lack of respect for yourself?

Did your X show respect for you?

Real Estate Triggers

68 Marbles 

Well, war is obsolete, you know…Of course the mind can rationalize fighting back… but the heart, the heart would never understand.  Then you would be divided in yourself, the heart and the mind, and the war would be inside you.
The Dalai Lama (when asked why he didn’t fight back against the Chinese)

    Yesterday I walked past a real estate office and I took a look at the prices of houses. Yikes! All of them were over a million bucks. Now I’d like to say that these were lifestyles-of-the-rich-and-famous homes, but they weren’t. They were average single family dwellings in moderate neighborhoods. 
    For a moment I got slightly pissed off at myself for not going after Ex-man’s properties when I had the chance.  We had raised a family together for a dozen years while renovating and living in his home for most of that time. Yet I chose to walk away from it rather than fight for a legal claim as his partner and the mother of his children.
    Then I got pissed off at him because I remembered that around the time of our breakup, he kept mentioning how properties had really depreciated and they weren’t getting what they used to get (although at the time, I knew this to be false). I looked back and thought how his comments were consciously or subconsciously trying to sweep the gold under the carpet.  And I, too busy counting marbles, didn’t even notice that his plan was working. 
    A friend was with me yesterday when I started a wee rant: Ex-man and his sneaky ways; me not having a home of my own when the real estate around me keeps going up, up, up (contrary to Ex-man’s tales); how foolish I was, blah, blah, blah. She said, “Look how lucky you are that you’re not part of that reality anymore.” I took a breath and knew she was right.  Despite Ex-man having more than me financially, his reality is based on scarcity, his reality is based on not sharing, his reality is based on never having enough (or as he says, frugality).  I can slide back into that reality, as I had just done when triggered by real estate prices, but that is not where I want to reside.
    When we were breaking up, I knew I had a choice to fight or not to fight. The legal system would have provided a good boxing ring and while everyone has to make his/her own choice here, my operating instructions were clear: Any wealth that I’ll have in this lifetime will not come from Ex-man. Yet if the great Mahatma Gandhi is quoted as saying, "I first learned the concepts of non-violence in my marriage" I say, "I got the lesson of non-violence in my divorce."

     When I come back to my own knowing, I let go of the war inside of me and all sense of lack and the impossibility of ever getting what I want makes way for abundance and limitless possibilities.

Is there any war inside of you around your breakup? What can you do to come back to your heart? What can you do to come back to knowing what you know to be true?

 

What Say You?

69 Marbles

     I have a  friend who says it’s all part of Mercury Retrograde but I’ve been strolling down that alley of memories with my exes who’ve been playing cameo appearances in my dreams lately.  It can be annoying to close my eyes at the end of the day and be transported back to the past when I’m clearly trying to stay present. 
     When I first started writing screenplays, my prof had two rules: 1. No flashbacks; 2. No voice-overs.  Yet I consistently go into flashbacks in my dreams whilst my voice-over asks, “Why?” Why have Ex-man and the other exes been recurring themes in my dreams?
     This afternoon as I stepped into a hot bath, these words popped into my head: You aligned with your ex-husband when you were together, you aligned with Ex-man when you were with him, it’s time for you to explore the question, “What say you?”
     Hmmm, nothing like a cryptic message from the bath Gods who are obviously from another era.  Who says, “What say you?” It’s almost Shakespearean.  Yet I get what I’m wanting to discover - who am I, independent of any of the people who are in my life, who am I, independent of the me that is mother, daughter, employee, once lover/wife/partner, who am I? Who am I? What is the energy that is me? It’s time to explore the question, “What say me?”

Who are you? What say you? If you take away all alignments and connections to the people in your life, who is the being that is you?

Happiness Now

70 Marbles
“If only, if only," the woodpecker sighs,


"The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies."


While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely,


Crying to the moo-oo-oon,
"If only, If only.”
Louis Sachar, “Holes”

    Recently, I had the opportunity to spend some time with some successful people, ones that have grown up homes with kitchen cupboards that don’t slam shut, toilet seats that go down on their own, and amazing lack of clutter.  As I strolled through the art-filled spacious rooms, I thought, “I can see myself in a home like this.” Yet there is one important caveat to that statement, the owners didn’t seem happy. I want to be happy. 
    Now we all know the adage, “Money doesn’t buy happiness” but if it’s one of the glaring insufficiencies in your life, it seems like it would help. Yet, I have unwittingly built a cause and effect framework around my happiness that goes something like this, “If only, if only I could have the career that I want and a lover/partner that I want, then I’d be happy.” I have a cart full of happiness right now and I’m waiting around for a horse to drag it off. Furthermore, if I can’t be happy now, chances are no permutation or combination of life events will be able to make me happy in the future. Sure, an enhanced career might be the icing on the cake but if the cake isn’t good, no amount of icing will fix it. 
    Abraham Lincoln said, “Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.” So the question is, how can I  bring more happiness into my life right now?  A shift of perception would help - I’ve been thinking that I’m planting seeds that will reap happiness in the future when actually, I could be happy with the planting process.  It’s a matter of learning to appreciate the multitudinous happy moments of the now. Scratch the “if only” statements and cultivate happiness now.

What would it take stop and appreciate the “Happiness is…” parts of your everyday?

Happiness Is…

71 Marbles 

Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, knowing a secret, climbing a tree.
Clark Gesner, “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.”

    When my running partner and I run around the seawall, we keep our eyes open for magic moments.  Last week the moment was an otter with her two little otters, sitting on a rock right near the edge of the seawall.  We stopped to watch them diving into the frigid water and coming out with their slickly-sheened bodies. It was like having an infusion of spirit right into our everyday life.  It’s too easy to miss these moments in our scurrying little run so we'll stop whenever we see a bit of magic and take it in (it's also a good excuse for a break with my too-fit running partner;)  
    Those moments remind me of the Charlie Brown song about happiness.  It so readily captures the idea of exploring the world through child-like beginner’s eyes. Often, one of the greatest things that is lost when we grow up (and become responsible) is the ability to play and to see the happiness in the everyday.  The closest most parents get to having that wonder again is when we have children and we get to see their fascination with the world.  But then, that asks our kids to hold our awe for us when really they are the gentle reminders that the world is truly and amazing place. 

Michael J. Fox says, “When you go out the door in the morning, choose happiness.” What would it take to choose happiness everyday? What would it take to see the world through beginner’s eyes?

Pain in the Neck

72 Marbles 

I liked to think that Bonnie was you, a little girl again, before the war, and poverty had done things to you. She was so like you, and I could pet her, and spoil her, as I wanted to spoil you. But when she went, she took everything.
Rhett Butler, “Gone With the Wind”

    Fortuitously, I had one of my four massages a year scheduled today. My massage therapist helped work out some of my kinks from yesterday’s challenging run.  As she was finishing up with me, she moved to my neck.  I always hold my tension in my neck and shoulders and as she was tenderizing me, I started talking about Ex-man.  I wasn’t talking negatively about him, but she noted that every time she works on my neck, I talk about him.  She said, “It’s like you hold him in your neck.” Hmmm, that might explain all the tension. Could it be that Ex-man is literally the pain in my neck?
    Louise Hay says, “I’ve learned over time that the underlying issue for almost all dis-ease is anger and resentment. And love and forgiveness is the healer.” Do I still have anger and resentment towards Ex-man? Ugh. Probably. So Hay suggests this little exercise for people who have anger towards their parents (perhaps I can use it with Ex-man). She suggests putting our parents in our hearts as small children, imaging how they were born as babies, pure and innocent, and realizing that what happened on earth made them into the people that may have been mean to us.  In her words, “Something happened there- and if we can go back to that place and forgive them and realize that they need love and they need healing too, it works wonders. And it doesn’t mean that we condone their behavior later on- I mean if the behavior was not good- but the reasons of how they got there is very important to understand.”
    Huh, maybe next time when Ex-man gets into one of his stubborn places that makes me feel like he doesn’t understand the first thing about what it means to work together on raising our kids, I’ll imagine him as the little toddler that he was, in foster care, with no real family (like Rhett would imagine Scarlett before all of life’s tribulations took their toll on her).  I’ll take a breath and understand that Ex-man's not being able to work together is probably built on his foundation of feeling that he was alone.  It does feel like a softer place, one that doesn’t have to turn him into a pain in the neck. 

Can you imagine your ex as a small child? Does that open up a softer place in your heart for forgiveness? Can you imagine yourself as a small child before all your life experiences? Does that allow you to forgive yourself?

No Pain, No Gain?

73 Marbles  

         My running partner is away this week so I went for a run with myself.  I drove down to our regular run around the seawall and was prepared for a nice, flat nine kilometer run around Stanley Park.  Shortly after I started, there was a detour sign and I had to veer off course away from the ocean.  The new trail was hilly and by the fourth hill I was starting to curse the steep grades of this unplanned trail.  As I trudged up the hill my inner voice said, “This is the way you get strong.”  “Screw getting strong,” I answered.  But then I thought how it was just like life. 
         Twice a week I coast around the sea level course.  I don’t improve.  I don’t get worse. I just stay the same,  But in running, as in life, it’s the steep hills, the grueling parts of the course that build stamina.  They push me beyond my comfort zone.  They ask more of me.  They make me dip deeply into my reserves.  It’s in pushing through these moments in life (such as loss or a breakup) that we find we have reserves that we didn’t know existed. 
         I wasn’t thrilled at what this unplanned trail was asking from me, just as I’m not thrilled with what this breakup has asked from me for the past 293 marbles. But is the old saying, “No pain, no gain” really true? Or is it that believing that it’s true we frame our lives around the “school of hard knocks” philosophy when growth and awareness could be gained in easier ways? 

         I pondered this question as I ran sweating and panting by an Asian woman practicing Qigong at the park.  She didn’t look like she was in any type of pain as she flowed through her meditative exercise routine with remarkable serenity. It looked like she was experiencing gain with no pain.  How much of my inner voice has been implanted by Western ideas of the way things are when there’s a whole world of other possibilities? Other frameworks?
        I visit a Chinese doctor when I get a flu because, in my experience, Western doctors don’t seem to aid in the healing of viruses. She has advised me several times that running is not good for my organs and my qi. She says, “You too much running, running in your head all the time. You should not be running your body around.” I tell her that it helps calm me, helps me decompress. She says, “No good.” We agree to disagree, for now.  
        As I finished my demanding run, with my hips tight and my left heel hurting, I tell God, the universe, or anyone else who’s out there listening, “If it’s possible to grow without the growing pains, send me a heaping order of that. I want some gain minus the pain. Pretty please.”

Can you look at some of your most commonly held beliefs about how life works? Are they true or are they just interesting points of view? Are there some beliefs that aren’t working for you? Can you let them go? With what would you like to replace them?

Bulletin/Vision/Inspiration Board

74 Marbles 

Let no one be discouraged by the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world’s ill - against misery and ignorance, injustice and violence…Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all these acts will be written the history of this generation…
It is from the numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped.  Each time a man stands up for an ideal or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
Robert Kennedy

    I grew up watching Bewitched reruns where the young witch daughter, Tabitha, could just touch her nose and she'd create magic. When I was little, I was so jealous of her.  I would think, “What would it be like to be able to cut anything that I wanted out from a catalog and just with a twitch of my nose, make it real?”  I longed for the ability to get the physical world aligned with my desires. It was a recurring fantasy. 
    Nowadays they call this type of thinking creating a vision board - taking photos of desired items and pasting them to a board. The idea is that our thoughts and desires can shape our present and future reality. Whilst many people ascribe to this philosophy, I’m not sure that it was my intention when I created my own bulletin-slash-vision board.  I just started posting things that inspired me and before I knew it, I had an inspiration board.   
    My inspiration board includes:
   
-My son’s Valentine poem from Marble 352 - it always brings me back to my heart

-Amazing and inspirational quotes including the above quote by Kennedy.  This may not be a photo of something that I want, but it is the energy of my desire to leave the world a slightly better place than when I arrived.

-My itinerary for my trip to New Orleans in a few weeks

-Flamenco dancers

-Pictures of paintings I’ve done of a character from an animation series I created

-A hotel I’d like to stay at in Vienna because when I saw it, I got small inside. Part of me thought it was too fancy for me. Then I thought, “One day I’d like to stay there.”

-A newspaper photo of someone rolling a harp by the beach - this one has an interesting story - I was telling my niece that I would like to learn to play the harp. My concern was the harp is not very easily transported, I said, “It’s not like you can take a harp down to the beach and play it like you can a guitar.” A few days later, the photo of the harp at the beach appeared in the local paper and my niece cut it out for me writing, “Wonders never cease. It’s magic time, Baby.”

-A picture of a house with enough room for my kids in an area where I’d like to live

-A photo of marbles

-The odd fortune cookie including “To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time” and my newest one “You will meet with great success.”

-Card from a jeweler I love, Sonja Picard http://www.sonjapicard.com/

-Photos of burlesque performers and ads for burlesque shows

Life constantly inspires me, what I create from the inspiration is the fun part.

What inspires you? Can you create an inspiration board that would help you create your life?

Old Stories Continued

75 Marbles

Every person, all the events of your life, are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
Richard Bach

    I was talking to a friend today about her boss.  Her boss is like a hurricane - predictably unpredictable, tempestuous, and destructive.  I’ve heard tales that make me question how she can maintain a good career whilst carving a swath of devastation in her wake.
    Luckily my friend is getting a new boss when she starts work on Monday (her boss got a promotion).  Yet even on the weekend, she was telling me stories about her soon-to-be-old boss.  As I was listening, I noticed myself getting annoyed at the same old stories.  Nothing the boss does surprises me and the fact is, soon my friend won’t have to worry about her boss - soon she’ll have a new reality. 
    I got curious with myself as I knew I had one of those tip-of-the-iceburg annoyances.  Something underneath the surface needed awareness.  What about my friend telling those stories bothered me?  I’m usually fairly patient with friends and I try to be in allowance their stories (even when they’re reruns).  Then it hit me again, as it did in Marble 151. 
    I still do the same thing.  I tell re-run stories about Ex-man.  Stories about his passive aggressive behavior, stories about how annoying he can be when dealing with our kids, stories about how cheap he can be.  The fact is, it’s an old story and I’m getting stuck watching the reruns.  Why do I do that?  When will I let it go?
    Sure, I have to deal with Ex-man from time to time regarding the kids but I have a choice to get hooked into our differing points of view or I can just accept that he is who he is.  End of story. 
    I’m not there anymore.  He’s in my past. Now what do I want to create?   

Do you tell stories about your ex that are nothing but variations of the old theme?  Can you unhook from the storytelling? 

"Peace from Broken Pieces"

76 Marbles

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

Iyanla Vanzant

The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don't want.

Iyanla Vanzant

    I’m reading a book by Iyanla Vanzant called Peace from Broken Pieces.  I see some similarities between her life and mine – we both fell in love with someone we had known since we were fourteen.  We both had him leave and come back into our lives.  We both had him leave in the end.  Her pieces kept breaking into smaller pieces as her daughter died, she lost her job, and her house.  Yikes!  And she survived to tell the tale.  
    I know I still hold a grudge for Ex-man leaving me and it is something that I’m consciously aware of but I just don’t know how to shift it.  Maybe if I hold onto that grudge it becomes a bit of a security blanket for me, an excuse that I can hold onto in case I end up failing in my pursuits (the old “He left me high and dry with three kids to support. No wonder I couldn’t manage to follow my dreams.  I was too busy slinging hash and putting food on the table.”).  All I know is that for some reason, the grudge works for me or I would let it go.  I’d forgive him for doing what he needed to do.
    What Vanzant says explained that her husband simply, “Changed his mind” when he decided to leave her. When I think of Ex-man simply changing his mind, or choosing something else, it becomes difficult to stay angry at him.  How could I be angry at him for changing his mind about me? About us? Or about who he wanted to be in the world?  There is such levity to that simple realization that he changed his mind.  It drains all judgment. 
    With this new idea, I might finally be able to forgive Ex-man for the breakup that caused me to go into my pain.  It’s not like the pain was new or that the pain was because of him.  He merely triggered all those broken pieces to surface so I can work towards peace.

If you left your relationship can you forgive yourself for changing your mind? If your ex left, can you forgive him/her for having a change of mind? Can you let go of the breakup, your ex et al. to make room for what you want in your life?

Love and Loss

77 Marbles 

All is well.  Everything is working out for my highest good and out of this experience only good will come.  I am safe.  

Louise Hay

    During his Stanford commencement speech, Steve Jobs talked about another one of his life lessons- love and loss. After founding Apple and spending 10 years building it into a successful company, at age 30 he was fired.  It was a public spectacle and “awful tasting medicine” but as he says, “the patient needed it.” He realized that he had been publicly rejected but he was still in love with what he did.  He went on to found another computer company (NeXT) which ironically was later bought by Apple.  He also acquired a company that later became Pixar, the famously innovative computer animation company (Toy Story, Finding Nemo).  He continued to do what he loved.
    I was fired from my relationship months ago and although the medicine was more private, it still tasted awful. The great thing was that I couldn’t be fired from what I really loved - being a mom to my kids, going to school, and creating.  Jobs’ story continued that he came to see that being fired from Apple was the best thing that could have happened to him.
Perhaps in hindsight, after connecting the dots, I’ll come to see that being fired from Ex-man was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
    Breakups are one of those rare opportunities that shatter life’s routine. Many of those routines were established by thoughts, decisions, and conclusions from years prior to the breakup.  Yet when the status quo gets shaken up, there’s an opportunity to start asking questions like, “Do I love what I do?” “Do I enjoy where I live?” “Do I like how I spend my spare time?”
    Each of our lives depends on solving this one problem: How can I be happy? Einstein once said, “If I had 60 minutes to solve a problem and my life depended on it, I’d spend 55 minutes determining the right question to ask. Once I got the right question, I could easily answer it in 5 minutes.” The trick is in the questions. 

Are you asking yourself the right questions? If you had unlimited possibilities for your life, what would you change? What would you keep the same? What do you love doing? Is there a way to have more of that in your life?

Human Connection

78 Marbles
I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.
Albert Einstein

     I went to the wine store today and I noticed that I wasn’t remotely present for the transaction with the cashier. I was thinking of all the things I had yet to do (I was having friends for dinner). When I left the store, I was aware that the cashier could have been a machine, for all the consideration that I had given her.
     Then I went for a run around the seawall. As I was running, I remembered how twenty years ago when I lived in a prairie city, you wouldn’t think of passing someone on a trail without waving, smiling, or greeting them in some way. When I moved back home to Vancouver, I noticed that most people avoided the same kind of connection. Today I decided to make a point to smile or nod at every person I passed. Sure, some of them resisted eye contact but many of the smiles I received gave me an extra boost of energy.
     At the restaurant where I work, I make a point of making eye contact with my customers.  When a customer is on their cellphone, I wait until they are off the phone before I try to make contact. Similarly, if someone calls my phone while I’m in line at a cashier’s desk, I don’t answer so that I’m not simultaneously talking into my cellphone whilst talking to the teller. I try not to be part of the generation of idiots, but I still notice that there are many instances in which I could be more present with the people that populate my day. 
     There’s a woman who takes this idea of human interaction to an art form.  In Marble 333, I told how when Ex-man left, I switched from the grocery megastores that I dreaded to a small, locally owned market. There’s a woman named Carmen Louie who works at this market and who knows over 7,000 customers’ names. It’s amazing to see how she brings joy to people’s day just by greeting them by name and asking about their kids/family.  I once asked her how she did it and she told me that she writes down the names with memory cues in a notebook then she studies the names every week so she won’t forget them. This is the antithesis of the megastore experience of mass merchandising and anonymity.
     What I’m noticing is that the more technological ways there are to connect to people (Facebook, email, messaging, etc.) the more I have to consciously commit to connect when a real person is in front of me.  This is not to say that social media is wrong, just that there are pitfalls to relying on it as a substitute for interacting in real time, in real life. 

Is there an area in your life where you could apply the Carmen Louie philosophy? 

Connecting the Dots

79 Marbles
They will say you are on the wrong road, if it is your own.
Antonio Porchia
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
Søren Kierkegaard

    I had a meltdown last night.  Ironically, the topic of the day went from receiving gratitude graciously to not receiving gratitude at all…I made a healthy dinner that the kids complained about and my daughter flatly said she wouldn’t eat.  I got her some good clothes at a second-hand store that she said she wouldn’t wear any of them. I know that motherhood isn’t ingratiating, but what bothers me most is I’m not satisfied with what I’m able to offer my kids right now.  Another one of my friends just got a fabulous job while I continue to go to school while waitressing to pay the bills.
    I was feeling overwhelmed and premenstrual and I needed a good cry.  A friend called during my mini-meltdown and while normally I let the wet weather pass before trying to connect with anyone, last night I needed a friend.  I told her all the things that were bothering me and I added that I felt like I was in starting to be a downer to my friends. She said that I was being way too hard on myself.  She told me that whenever she comes to my house, our home feels so good: the kids are in good spirits, the food is good, the vibe is good.  She repeated, “You’re being way too hard on yourself.”  I listened and I knew she was right. Thank goodness for good friends. 
    This morning while I was driving the kids to school, the radio announcer "randomly" played an excerpt of the commencement speech that Steve Jobs gave at Stanford.  As I listened to it, I felt he was speaking directly to me:
    “You can’t connect the dots looking forward.  You can only connect them looking backwards.  So you have to trust that the dots will connect in your future.  You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path and that will make all the difference.”
    I listened and I knew he was right. I may not be on the well worn path but it is my path. 

Are you harder on yourself than you are on other people? Do you have faith that the dots of your life will connect, even if they look random and disconnected at times? What would it take to be okay with the occasional discomfort of trailblazing your own path?

Receiving Compliments

80 Marbles

     After yesterday’s marble, I’m noticing the manner in which I receive compliments.  Quite often when someone compliments something that I’ve cooked, something that I’m wearing, or something that I’ve done, I respond by an addendum to the compliment.  Usually that addendum expresses the ways that whatever is being complimented is not perfect. This has the effect of obliterating the original compliment, for example, let’s say someone compliments my new haircut (as someone recently did), my response was, “I don’t think that the color is right at all.” If a compliment were a tennis ball, I tend to smash it right back at the other person.  Bad form. 
     I’m not sure why I do it.  It’s like I have the unrealistic goal of perfection for myself yet this goal tends not to follow through to others.  I have no problem with sincerely complimenting others yet when I’m on the receiving end, it’s uncomfortable.  These may seem like small shifts in awareness, but what if my discomfort with receiving affects other areas as well? What if a shift in receiving compliments and gratitude allows me to clear blocks around receiving other things such as material abundance or acceptance?
     I work with my nephew and I would sometimes bring him little treats that I knew he enjoyed.  One day, he let me know that if he bought me a meal, then he’d be even with me for all the times that I’d brought him something.  This made me feel like he was keeping track and I pointed this out to him. It also made me feel less joy in giving to him. Yes, it can feel uncomfortable to receive more than you’ve given, but if there’s a tallying scale that persists in your mind, are you ever totally receiving? It can also feel frustrating to give something to someone who isn’t able to receive it. 
     Like many people, I was brought up with the biblical quote, “It’s more blessed to give than to receive." But what if you give to others by gratefully receiving what they have given to you?

Are you equally comfortable giving and receiving? What would it take to be in equal comfort of receiving and giving?

"No Problem"

81 Marbles

     When someone says, “Thank you” to me, my automatic response is, “No problem.” I started saying this phrase as a laid back way to let others know that I was happy to do whatever it was that I was doing, that it was “no skin off my back,” that I didn’t want them to feel obliged to me for what I had done.  The funny thing is, now I am becoming aware that, whereas my intentions were good, my response ignores the appreciation that is being expressed by the thank you. It doesn’t receive the gratitude, in fact if gratitude were a tennis ball, it returns it right into the net. 
     I’ve been trying to work on saying, “You’re welcome” when someone expresses gratitude to me.  When I do this, I feel that I’m more respectful of the exchange that has happened between me and the other person. Whereas this doesn’t appear to be a big shift, it is a way to honor the endless flow of giving and receiving that happens between us. 
     Despite my new awareness, the “no problem” habit has been difficult to break. It has become such an automated response, but when I am able to catch myself and give a sincere “you’re welcome,” I feel myself receive the gratitude that was directed my way. 

How do you receive someone’s gratitude? Are you more comfortable expressing gratitude or receiving gratitude?

"Negative" Situations

82 Marbles
Today, I will judge nothing that occurs.
Deepak Chopra

     Yes, I am aware that this is technically the rebuilding stage in the blog and the breakup should have completely receded into the background by now. Yet the borders between letting go and rebuilding are not as delineated as I would have liked to believe. In the rebuilding process there is a great deal of letting go, and in letting go, there is rebuilding.  So I will unabashedly bring up the topic of the breakup again…
     Yesterday I wrote about how marbles have been used to turn a “negative” situation into an opportunity for more awareness. The negative was in quotes because although a breakup is generally thought to be a negative situation, who can really say what is negative and what is positive?
     There is an old Chinese story about a farmer who had an old horse that would help till his fields. The horse escaped one day and the man’s neighbors said, “What bad luck!” The farmer replied, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” The following week, the horse returned with a whole herd of wild horses from the hills. This time the neighbors said, “What great luck!” The farmer’s reply again was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?” When the farmer’s son tried to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off the horse and broke his leg. The neighbors were sure that this was another instance of bad luck but the farmer, well, you know the farmer’s response by now.  A month later, the army came to the village and drafted every young man except the farmer’s son who was recuperating from his broken leg. Was this good luck or bad luck? Who knows?

What would it take to not judge anything that occurs? What would it take to let go of the charge of events being positive or negative? What would it take to welcome life with the equanimity of the farmer?

PS I've decided to revise the format of the blog slightly. Eventually there will be no clear delineation between letting go and rebuilding. They aren't as polarized as I would have liked to have thought.  Bear with me as I make the adjustments. 

Flight and Fight

83 Marbles
It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them.  It doesn’t sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life.
Gretory David Roberts, "Shantaram"

     In 1932, a Harvard professor named Walter Bradford Cannon published a theory known as Fight or Flight - the individual can either fight or flee against something that is threatening. With breakups, this theory is often reversed, if one of the individuals in a relationship wants to flee, it becomes a threat and the fight response kicks in.  The fight response can take many forms but the most common form is a nasty litigious divorce.
     Why does this happen? Perhaps for many people, the termination of a relationship triggers survival mechanisms and the competitive urge to be the fittest or to look out for oneself.  But even Cannon’s theory was eventually deemed too simplistic as there are many ways to respond to a threat, for example, some animals freeze, some camoflage, some play dead. Similarly, there are many ways to respond to a breakup other than fighting: some people engage in another type of flight and withdraw socially, become depressed or drink too much; some people stand in openhearted integrity as in yesterday’s marble; and some people grab marbles and try to turn a “negative situation” into an opportunity for more awareness.
     We are not just a jumble of automated responses to stimuli. We have choice. Yes, there may be a prehistoric reaction that is triggered but as humans, we have the ability to override those baser instincts. We have choice. Yes, a breakup may feel threatening, but why? What would it take to see each others desire to choose something else as less of a threat? We have choice in how to frame the breakup, and as Roberts writes, "that freedom is a universe of possibility."

     When it comes down to it, a breakup happens when one or both of the individuals in a relationship desire to create something else. When I think this about Ex-man’s choice to leave the relationship, I tend to take it less personally. When I take it less personally, I feel a shift from my smaller, petty self to my larger, magnanimous self. And isn’t this the self that I’d like to align with?

How do you frame your breakup? Is it working for you? If not, could you choose to frame your breakup differently? What do you want the story of your life to be?

Winners and Losers

84 Marbles
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Ah, yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

     Yesterday’s marble has got me thinking a lot about competition in breakups.  A breakup is almost unanimously an acrimonious affair (especially if there’s an affair involved). Many people when they move from togetherness to separateness, shift from the realm of we to the realm of me. In the realm of me, there is a desire to take care of oneself and often there is a tone of competition. Quite frequently, it becomes like a game of football, each person struggling to gain one more yard of real estate. The real estate may be actual deeds and titles, it may be access to children, or it may be avoidance of the joint debt or responsibilities that were established while the couple was still in the land of we. 
     I’m going to tell you a story about my first marriage.  I married young, at twenty-one, and three years later, I became attracted to a women. I was confused and I talked with my husband about it.  His question was, “What will this mean for our relationship?” I didn’t have the answer for him but a few months later, I left the relationship to be with that woman.  My ex-husband had every reason to be angry with me, but his strong sense of who he was, combined with a love for me, allowed him to handle the breakup with the utmost integrity.  When it came to our belongings, we had a rational discussion about who would get what. We went to our bank and split the bank accounts in an equitable fashion and the bank manager said, “It is so strange to see this type of divorce. Usually we see spouses rushing to the bank and clearing out joint bank accounts.”
     I don’t take credit for this outcome: I may have set the tone of honesty, but my ex set the tone of integrity. It was also a tone of mutual respect, a tone that lacked scarcity, a tone that perceived a larger we persists even when two people’s lives move asunder.   

What would happen if more breakups had the win/win tone? Why can’t more people be magnanimous during a separation/divorce? What would it take to maintain integrity through all of life’s separations? 
In Richard Bach's words, "That's what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we've changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning."
 
 

Eight Hugs a Day

85 Marbles

    Yesterday I talked about my penchant for exploring the world through audio tapes while I drive around my piece of the world in my car.  Another favorite past times is watching TEDtalks, those insightful, informative 20 minute speeches given by passionate people around the world about what makes them excited. 
     I was listening to one of these talks recently given by Paul Zak, a man affectionately known as Dr. Love (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFAdlU2ETjU). Dr. Love prescribes getting 8 hugs a day to release the hormone oxytocin, a hormone that he describes as a moral hormone - the hormone that makes us feel connected to people and feel empathy.  He says that people who release oxytocin are happier and have better relationships of all types.  According to Zak, there are three things that inhibit this influential hormone: lack of nurturing (the hormone release system doesn’t develop properly); stress (when we don’t act our best); and testosterone (makes us become more selfish).
     Apparently weddings increase oxytocin, particularly in the bride and the bride’s mother, but the effects trickle through the guest list. He postulates that we designed the wedding tradition to connect us emotionally to the new couple and inadvertently ensure the survival of the species.  He also noted that getting a massage, dancing and praying raise oxytocin levels (coincidentally, often at least one of these activities is involved in the wedding ceremony).
     This tweaked my interest.  If weddings increase oxytocin, what do breakups/divorces do?
     Let’s rewind a moment to the factors that inhibit oxytocin release: lack of nurturing (hmmm, a breakup/divorce is usually the opposite of nurturing); stress (breakups are notoriously stressful times); and testosterone release. Now testosterone is an interesting one.  A study called Marriage, Divorce and Male Testosterone (Joelhttp://cogprints.org/632/1/Joel.html) reported “testosterone is relatively high during the years surrounding divorce.” In competitive situations, testosterone increases as in the “competition between spouses for children, for material possessions, and for self respect” often found in divorce. (And PS, testosterone levels aren’t only in males, another study showed that in certain combative careers, such as a trial attorney, both male and females had increased testosterone levels).
     What does all this mean? Well, I’m not a scientist but here’s what I postulate…for most people, the experience of divorce/breakup is not only emotionally draining but it may have a biological component to it (other than the fight or flight response). If oxytocin levels are what make us feel connection to others, when there is a über disconnection, such as a breakup/divorce, oxytocin levels may decrease. In addition, breakups generally have all the ingredients (lack of nurturing, stress, and testosterone) that inhibit the release of what allows us to feel empathy. This may explain how two people who, at one time, felt enough love to unite their lives can, when the divorce card gets played, turn competitive, self-serving, and everything opposite of empathetic.  The question is, how do we overcome the biological determinism of breakup/divorce and create something that is less damaging for the individuals involved?

Could you engage in activities that would allow you to feel connection: Dance? Prayer? Getting a massage? Getting/giving hugs? And here’s the big question…what would it take for you to feel empathy for your ex?

Thinking and Driving

86 Marbles 
"I've been thinking Hobbes --"
"On a weekend?"
"Well, it wasn't on purpose..."
Calvin & Hobbes

     The thing that I don’t like about being a Mom is all the driving.  Yes, I understand that one day I’ll miss all my kids’ comings and goings, but I’m not a car person - I’m not great with all the moments of monotony.  My kids love listening to the banal music on the pop music stations and although I can sing the words to most of the songs, I’m not proud of it.  My solution: I’ve recently started listening to audio books, Spanish lesson tapes, and recordings of conversations such as those with Jacqueline Kennedy a few months after her husband was killed. All of these CDs I’ve borrowed from my local library (except for the Spanish course which I wanted to keep).  Sure, my children aren’t crazy about my new adaptation to make the car environment more bearable for me, but we do balance it with top ten tunes. 
     I know that my daughter, although she rolls her eyes, benefits from hearing the breathy voice of Jackie O and her views on what it meant to be a woman in the fifties and early sixties.  Kids think in present-time and while this is a great guru move, it’s also great to understand that how things are at this moment in history is not always how things were. 
    I hope that the tide of CDs will be an example to my kids to stay engaged and always learning. These thinking and driving fests help all of us expand our frames of reference while making the driving portion more enjoyable for me.

Can you adjust areas in your life that are an irritation and make them more enjoyable? Can you apply creative thinking to come up with solutions to an irritation in your life? 

Green Eyed Monster

87 Marbles

    My daughter called me in tears tonight while I was at work.  She could hardly string together the story of what had her so upset but when I moved to a quieter phone, I got the gist of it.  Her father had written a piano song for the daughter of the woman he’s dating (from Marble 140).  My daughter felt displaced and betrayed and to add insult to injury, her Dad didn’t understand why it was bothering her. 
    I took a deep breath for this one.  All I could see was Ex-man with a fishing rod, reeling in his new catch – a mother and daughter combo.  But I put the image aside and did my best to console my daughter.  I listened to how she was feeling and I told her that I completely understood.  I also reassured her that her Dad loved her very much and that no one was going to replace her in his heart, no matter how it might feel right now.  His heart was big enough for many people (although none of the fairy tales of step-families would affirm this notion).  I’m sure my daughter fast-forwarded to visions of her cleaning cinders out of the fireplace or of her and her brother being left in the middle of a deep wood.  I told her that I loved her very much and her brothers also loved her.  She would not be replaced.  She calmed down and we took some deep breaths together over the phone. 
    I’m not sure if change ever gets easier -if those highly evolved souls just learn to take it all in stride.  I’ve heard the expression, “Circumstances don’t matter only state of being matters” but try telling that to my daughter who is feeling like her whole life is being threatened by a too adorable toddler.
    In Margaret Atwood’s Penelopiad there’s a preface that goes:
Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress.  Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you.  But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.
    I want to tell my daughter to go with the flow, to not resist change but I know how difficult it can be.  And as much as I love the sentiment of Atwood’s hydrophor, I can’t help but think of the walls of water that indeed stop people – the tsunamis, the hurricanes. 
    Later at home in my cold house, I warm up my fleece pajamas in the dryer to a toasty warm. As I lay in bed, I hope that this whole process becomes easier.  Easier on my family. Easier on me.

What would it take to be more like water? What would it take to not resist change?

Mice

88 Marbles

    I run a Fort Knox of a kitchen with everything in sealed storage containers, so when I first heard little noises, I was in denial. I was too quick to assume the couple of droppings I found were blackened sesame seeds from toasting bagels.  Now I’ve seen one and seeing has become believing. We have mice - not the cute Mickey type - but actual breeding, feeding rodents.
    I’ve gone through my house and become obsessive about cleanliness (it's my house's turn to be on a cleanse). I’ve thought that if I shut off the food supply, the mice would go elsewhere for their livelihood.  Unfortunately, a friend informed me that my approach was a losing battle as a mouse can live off a single grain of rice for days.  With three kids in the house, it is impossible to keep such a small morsel off the floor even with frequent sweeping. 
      I was slightly annoyed that I was having to deal with something that I had no natural propensity for, but didn’t I just ask to be stretched?  I took myself to the hardware store to see what I could do to combat the mice.  A friendly employee told me that glue traps work like a charm – just put them down where the droppings are and wait for the mice to get caught.  “But what do I do with the mice when they are caught?” I asked.  She answered, ”Just fill a bucket up with water and hold the glue trap upside down in the water until the mouse drowns.” She told me so matter-of-factly that I believed that it was something that I could do. 
    Back at home a few mornings ago, my son and I heard a rustling sound in our laundry closet.  Sure enough, a mouse’s tail was caught on the trap.  As the mouse fervently wrestled trying to free itself, I filled a bucket with water.  As the water level increased, so did my anxiety level and when I went to get the mouse and saw that it had escaped the trap, I was relieved.  Note to self:  I don’t like the idea of drowning mice. 
    Yes, I do get that at this stage of my life (as a non-vegetarian), animals are killed all the time to support me and then are hygienically wrapped and sealed and sold in the grocery store.  I do get that despite the long chain between me and that killing, it is still nonetheless a cessation of life.  I also get that letting my mice out in the park could very well lead to their deaths, but the immediacy of killing with my own hands didn’t work for me, even if I tried to stretch myself.  
    My second trip to the hardware store found me talking with another employee about my experience and asking if there was an alternative.  He showed me a “humane trap” – one that merely captures the mouse so that it can be let out again, albeit a mile away from the nest (aka my house).  On two consecutive mornings, we found mice in the traps and when I drove the kids to school in the morning, I also drove the mice to a park several clicks from our house.  When I let the mice out of their traps, they hit the ground running as if jet-propelled. 
    And now the house really is as quiet as a mouse minus the mouse. 

Can you re-look at a problem and find a solution that you are comfortable with on every level? When is stretching yourself a good idea and when is it not?

Cleaner?

89 Marbles
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

    I’m officially over my cleanse.  This morning I ask myself, "What did I cleanse over the past 12 days?"  Physically I detoxed and cleared out my digestive system while dropping the few extra pounds (an added bonus).  I’ve reset my taste buds so that even a bit of sugar seems like a lot and I’ve become more conscious of what I’m eating.  Emotionally, I’ve let go of the idea that Ex-man and I could have been any different. I’m more willing to accept who he is rather than who I would have liked him to be (as Einstein’s quote suggests).  Despite it being a moot point now that we’re no longer together, I realize that I carried that desire for him to speak differently, act differently, and be different even in our dealings around our children. It’s clear that expecting something different is like banging my head against the same old wall and do I really need to do that anymore?
    At the beginning of the cleanse, I recalled a dream in which my father asked me, “When will you nourish yourself?” Throughout the twelve days of cleansing, this question came to my awareness frequently when I was doing things that were not nourishing. I was forced to look at the manner in which I ingest food (my pre-cleanse understatement, “I could eat more slowly.”) I realized that when I sit down to eat, I usually have a hundred other things on my mind: if I’m at home, it’s all the jobs I have to do; if I’m at work, it’s all the tasks that I have to finish, and usually I’m getting up and down as I perform those tasks.  Bottom line - I’m rarely present with my food and the company at the table (except when I have company or I'm eating out).
     Thankfully, this changed while I was on my cleanse. I’ve been enjoying sitting down to my meals with gratitude. I remember to breathe. When I notice the pull of my life tugging at me when I’m eating, I refocus on the meal and the time I’m taking to nourish myself. I remember to breathe. So in answer to your question, Dad, I’m starting to nourish myself now.

Do you still have expectations that your ex will change, even though you’re not together? Would it help to refocus on yourself and what you can change? For example, are your mealtimes enjoyable? What would make them more nourishing?

Cleaning Ladies

90 Marbles

    I realized today that all my friends have cleaning ladies.  The only significance to this is that while others seem to have moved forward with their careers, I’m still in school, scraping together money for my tuition, slinging hash in a restaurant.  This isn’t a victim story, but it is an observation to check in with how I’m feeling about the road that I’ve chosen. 
    A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine called me up to tell me about an excellent job position for a popular festival that she thought I’d be perfect for.  The salary was six figures and it would involve a great deal of time to get the festival running more profitably.  She had worked with me in the past and she knew I had marketing experience.  She also knew that I was better than any of the applicants that they had received thus far.  In the final part of her generous pitch, she said, “And in your spare time, you could still do your writing.”
    If I were writing the screenplay of that scene, I would have had those final words reverberate because that’s exactly what they did in my head: they resounded with an empty echo.  I knew myself - I knew with the challenge of a new and demanding job, I would throw myself into it and do the best that I could.  With my kids in the mix, it’s a balancing act.  There would be no room for writing or for me to finish school.  I had to decline.
    I’ve never regretted that decision although I know that my friend (one of the ones with a cleaning lady) doesn’t understand my choice.  I do have a couple of stories in my kit bag that act as salve to my ego (who really hated my decision.)  The first was an artist I heard being interviewed a few years ago on the radio.  She had just one a major award for her work but she had come into her own later in life.  She commented that her hardest lesson had been to celebrate the achievements of her friends and family without feeling threatened by them or jealous of them.  For her, success had come later so all her friends and family had bought houses, established careers, etc while she wasn’t even out of the starting blocks. Sounds familiar.
    The second salve story is from one of my favorite Canadian authors - Ann-Marie MacDonald.  When she was working on her novel “Fall on Your Knees,” she was offered a lucrative job.  She had the difficult choice to continue writing her manuscript that had no guarantee of ever making her money, or to take a job that would offer her a steady paycheck.  As she puts it, it felt like she was stepping back and “watching a moving money train” roll past her.  Yet the book that she wrote went on to be published in 17 languages and to be chosen for Oprah’s Book Club.  Turns out, there’s not just one moving money train. 

Are there areas in your life where you are trying to keep up with the Joneses? Do those areas go against what you really want to do in life?

The Snake

91 Marbles

    I had to borrow Ex-man’s snake today (literally, not figuratively) as the sink in the bathroom wasn’t draining. I had already tried the liquid drain cleaning product to no avail. Yes, I could call the landlord but they give me such an awesome deal on my rent that I try to fix what I can and use the professionals only for emergencies. 
    Well, Ex-man’s snake didn’t solve the problem (it never did figuratively so why would it literally?)  I then had to take apart the plumbing underneath the sink and try to clear the scunge the old-fashioned way.  Yuck!
    I don’t mind being a Jackie of all trades, even though I broke a nail loosening the u-pipe thingy. There is something about stretching myself in ways I didn’t think possible, of doing things that are outside of my norm. I’ve had friends that have taken up marathon running later in life and whereas fixing a bathroom sink is not quite the same thing, it does shift the way I see myself and open myself up to more possibilities of what it means to be me.
    When the sink was draining and the area cleaned, I felt proud of myself.  My daughter got to see that women are capable of a variety of tasks (although I’m pretty sure that her take on it is “I’m gonna get me a man to do all those jobs.”) For me the take-away is that I can indeed survive on my own. The next question for exploration, in ≥ 91 marbles, is can I thrive in a relationship?

Can you stretch yourself and do something that is outside of what you would normally do? What would it look like to be stretching ourselves everyday?
   

Pictures of Hafiz

92 Marbles

Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful
Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night
Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems
Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright
The Who, “Pictures of Lily”

    I first read the poet Hafiz a few years ago when a co-worker brought in a collection of his poems and left them on the staff table.  I picked it up and started flipping through the pages. Then I fell in love. I’m not sure exactly which poem hooked me. Maybe it was:

The God Who Only Knows Four Words

Every
Child
Has known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of dont's,
Not the God who ever does
Anything weird,
But the God who only knows four words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
"Come dance with Me."
Come
Dance.

Or maybe it was these words:

The
Difference
Between a good artist
And a great one
Is:

The novice
Will often lay down his tool
Or brush
Then pick up an invisible club
On the mind's table
And helplessly smash the easels and
Jade.

Whereas the vintage man
No longer hurts himself or anyone
And keeps on Sculpting
Light.
But what sealed my crush was definitely:

The Gift

Our
Union is like this:
You feel cold
So I reach for a blanket to cover
Our shivering feet.
A hunger comes into your body
So I run to my garden
And start digging potatoes.
You ask for a few words of comfort and guidance,
I quickly kneel at your side offering you
This whole book-
As a gift.
You ache with loneliness one night
So much you weep
And I say,
Here's a rope,
Tie it around me,
Hafiz
Will be your companion
For life.

    Who was this man and where could I find him? Then I looked at the introduction, only to find that Shams-ud-din Muhammad Hafiz died circa 1389. So I’m 650 years too late? Sigh.
    Cue the song Pictures of Lily. The old song by The Who tells a story of a boy whose father gave him the photos of Lily to help him sleep at night. In time, the boy fell in love with Lily only to find out she died in 1929. He cried that night, lamenting, “If only I'd been born in Lily's time, it would have been alright.” I feel for you, brother. 
    So I’m left with a yearning for a man (or a woman) who is alive in my lifetime, and who, like Hafiz, is filled with light and sees through the eyes of love. In the meantime, I’ll lull myself to sleep with the poet’s words…

God Just Came Near

No
One
In need of love
Can sit with my verse for
An hour
And then walk away without carrying
Golden tools,
And feeling that God
Just came
Near.

Do you have a favorite poet? If not, what would it take to find a poet that speaks to you?

PS A shout out to Daniel Ladinsky for his amazing translations of the ancient originals.