61 Marbles
A good friend of mine was in town this weekend. She came by my work to say a quick hello but I was still busy and couldn’t connect with her for very long. She told me that she had been over to our mutual friend’s house to have a visit and I assumed that she had been there for dinner on a night that I was working. Later our friend called and said they had met up for breakfast. I wondered silently why they didn’t ask me along seeing as it was probably the only time I could have visited with her. I’m a more-the-merrier type person and I tend to invite anyone who I think might like to come along so I didn’t understand not being asked. Then I wondered if it maybe was a “couples” thing.
As I started to notice my reaction, I became conscious of the choice that I was making to feel bad. I got off the phone and thought to myself, “My feelings are hurt but it’s a choice that I’m making to stay feeling hurt.” Because I tend to be inclusive, I didn’t really understand my friend’s decision not to include me. In addition, as a result of the breakup, my social life has shifted. What used to be occasions where we would socialize as couples, now are not. I was insecure that my good friends would be lost in the shift. Yet I was choosing to feel bad instead of to communicate.
I wanted to have insight into my friend’s point of view. When I framed it this way, the situation felt less charged and I sent off an email to my friend saying:
So, I have to get this off my chest. I tend to be an includer so I'm having trouble understanding why you didn't connect the dots and ask me along to breakfast. I thought perhaps you were getting together for dinner on a night I was working but when I found out it was breakfast, I was a bit puzzled. I'd like to understand, so maybe we can talk about it?
Take care
My friend immediately called back and told me that the plans were supposed to be for the night when I was working but they fell through because of ferry connections and the only other time was in the morning. She said that she thought because I was working the night before, it would be too early. She promised that the next time she would invite me and let me decide if it would work. She was sincere. She was my friend. She told me she loved me (and I add - even though I'm sensitive).
More and more, I’m beginning to notice that when I take things personally, I make a choice to feel hurt by the assumptions that I make about a situation. Rarely is there malintent, and even if, in this situation, my friends had decided to have a couples get together, why couldn’t I have been secure knowing that life is ebb and flow, contraction and expansion, death and life?
Do you tend to take things too personally? What would it take for you to accept what is with more grace? What would it take to communicate in ways that are less charged?
As I started to notice my reaction, I became conscious of the choice that I was making to feel bad. I got off the phone and thought to myself, “My feelings are hurt but it’s a choice that I’m making to stay feeling hurt.” Because I tend to be inclusive, I didn’t really understand my friend’s decision not to include me. In addition, as a result of the breakup, my social life has shifted. What used to be occasions where we would socialize as couples, now are not. I was insecure that my good friends would be lost in the shift. Yet I was choosing to feel bad instead of to communicate.
I wanted to have insight into my friend’s point of view. When I framed it this way, the situation felt less charged and I sent off an email to my friend saying:
So, I have to get this off my chest. I tend to be an includer so I'm having trouble understanding why you didn't connect the dots and ask me along to breakfast. I thought perhaps you were getting together for dinner on a night I was working but when I found out it was breakfast, I was a bit puzzled. I'd like to understand, so maybe we can talk about it?
Take care
My friend immediately called back and told me that the plans were supposed to be for the night when I was working but they fell through because of ferry connections and the only other time was in the morning. She said that she thought because I was working the night before, it would be too early. She promised that the next time she would invite me and let me decide if it would work. She was sincere. She was my friend. She told me she loved me (and I add - even though I'm sensitive).
More and more, I’m beginning to notice that when I take things personally, I make a choice to feel hurt by the assumptions that I make about a situation. Rarely is there malintent, and even if, in this situation, my friends had decided to have a couples get together, why couldn’t I have been secure knowing that life is ebb and flow, contraction and expansion, death and life?
Do you tend to take things too personally? What would it take for you to accept what is with more grace? What would it take to communicate in ways that are less charged?
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