The Matching Hypothesis

33 Marbles

     I had a conversation with my son last night about a family friend.  He told me that he didn’t really like the woman because he didn’t like where she was in her life and he would never want to be there himself. It made him uncomfortable to be around her. I asked him if it was possible to let her have the life that she created for herself and still remain open-hearted towards her?  He could see that having compassion for her might be a good idea because, “She has a bad life.” But could he see that where she’s at had nothing to do with him so his discomfort, because he feared her life, was unwarranted? 
     I remember studying a theory in a human sexuality course about how we choose who is right for us.  It was called the matching hypothesis - that we choose people who are similar to ourselves in physical attractiveness, level of education, religion, and race. Contrary to the old adage “Opposites attract” in a recent survey, 95% of Canadians chose partners from the same racial background as themselves. And even when you see an attractive woman with a less attractive spouse, people tend to ascribe other attributes to the husband (wealth, intellect, or an extra big Big Ben).
     Is it possible that the matching hypothesis also applies to choosing our peeps? There are many of us who surround ourselves with people who are of similar socio-economic spheres and similar attractiveness.  These friendships are generally based on having things in common, having similar beliefs, and enjoying the same pastimes.  Being able to afford the same pastimes facilitates spending time together - disparities can create discomfort. According to a study by Ira Bernstein, “fear of rejection by more appealing people” motivates us to surround ourselves with people of the same ilk.
     In Marble 350, I wrote about picking my kids up after school and how, post breakup, many of the other mother’s eyes averted when they looked at me.  I had a sense that for some, their awkwardness was because they had trepidation about being in my shoes. It was uncomfortable to be around someone who was feeling loss or whose life seemed challenging or undesirable. Yet today, a “I saw you ad” caught my attention. It was written by a girl who was quietly crying on the bus on Christmas Eve because she broke her new iPhone and wouldn’t be able to call her family on Christmas day.  She wrote, “This post is for the people who saw me, and not only didn't say anything, but gave me dirty looks and moved away. It would have been nice to have someone say ‘Hey, what's wrong? Are you ok?’ but it seems that was too much for you. I hope you feel alone and sad one day, and that someone takes the time to check in on you, so that you understand that human contact is not a bad thing.”
      As humans, we tend to stratify and because “like attracts like” we tend to surround ourselves with comfortable connections.  Perhaps, for my son,  it is easier to surround himself with people who are where he sees himself going in his life - those with “good lives.” Yet I want my son to know that he has the freedom of choice to create the life that he wants. He also has the ability to allow others to create their lives while not shutting down because of what they’ve chosen. 

Who do you have in your life? Do you tend to surround yourself with those of the same ilk? Are your peeps where you aspire to be? Do you surround yourself with those you view as less than yourself?  Can you examine your reasons behind your choices?