58 Marbles
After yesterday’s marble (and my whole relationship with Ex-man), I’ve realized that I don’t deal with criticism well. I tend to defend my position, as if there is only one right and one wrong position. As well, I tend to mentally or verbally criticize the person who is criticizing me, using yesterday’s example I think something like, “Who are you to kibosh my dreams? You’re only a teacher. If your career had been stellar, you wouldn’t be here teaching us.” There must be a more graceful way to receive criticism without having to completely agree with it.
There are times when I receive criticism well like when I’m in class and people are giving me their critiques about my writing. I receive it then I sort through and decide which critiques would lead to strengthening my writing. However, when I’m in a relationship and there’s an emotional element, I’m not as open to being criticized. Perhaps I believe that love and criticism are mutually exclusive but in the real world, that is seldom true.
For new ways to handle criticism, I turn to Dr. Harriet Lerner who says,"No one enjoys being criticized, especially if it's unfair, yet how well we respond determines how our relationships go, both at work and at home. A lot is at stake." In her book, The Dance of Connection, she gives the following steps to cope with criticism:
After yesterday’s marble (and my whole relationship with Ex-man), I’ve realized that I don’t deal with criticism well. I tend to defend my position, as if there is only one right and one wrong position. As well, I tend to mentally or verbally criticize the person who is criticizing me, using yesterday’s example I think something like, “Who are you to kibosh my dreams? You’re only a teacher. If your career had been stellar, you wouldn’t be here teaching us.” There must be a more graceful way to receive criticism without having to completely agree with it.
There are times when I receive criticism well like when I’m in class and people are giving me their critiques about my writing. I receive it then I sort through and decide which critiques would lead to strengthening my writing. However, when I’m in a relationship and there’s an emotional element, I’m not as open to being criticized. Perhaps I believe that love and criticism are mutually exclusive but in the real world, that is seldom true.
For new ways to handle criticism, I turn to Dr. Harriet Lerner who says,"No one enjoys being criticized, especially if it's unfair, yet how well we respond determines how our relationships go, both at work and at home. A lot is at stake." In her book, The Dance of Connection, she gives the following steps to cope with criticism:
- Listen attentively without planning your reply (I am so guilty of getting the gist of the complaint and going directly to the response)
- Ask questions about what don’t understand (Sometimes when a situation is emotionally charged, it’s easy to jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying. As well, the other person may be so charged that they’re not saying what they mean)
- Avoid getting defensive – listen for the piece you agree with (there is usually some morsel that you can agree about)
- Apologize for that piece first
- Never criticize person who is criticizing you (As mentioned, I’m guilty of the tennis game style of criticism)
- Stay calm – under-react and take low key approach, anxiety/intensity are driving force behind dysfunctional patterns (I'll have to work on this one)
- State differences – “here’s what I don’t agree with”
- Stop non-productive conversations – “I need time to think about what you’re saying” –set another time (Wow. I think this little tool would have helped my relationship with Ex-man)
- Speak to important issue – let the rest go
- Don’t just do something, stand there - even in the grip of strong emotions
I’m sure my life with my three kids will continue to give me opportunities to learn to receive criticism more gracefully. And although it can be challenging to be your best self when another person is critical and/or being obnoxious, Lerner writes, “Being able to shift out of that defensive place to a position of pure listening is the ultimate spiritual act.”
How do you react to criticism? At home? At work? From your Ex? Could you try new ways to receive criticism more gracefully? If you're already a guru of receiving criticism, maybe you'd like to share your methods (I swear I won't criticize them;)
No comments:
Post a Comment