337 Marbles
This is a very important practice. Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself. Thich Nhat Hanh
I remember when I first learned about fractions and how you have to find a common denominator before adding or subtracting them. It seems like a pretty basic concept – maybe Grade 6 Math - but unfortunately I have seen this concept at play with Ex-man and me.
It’s easy to have integrity when the people you’re interacting with have integrity as well. It’s a matching game where everyone acts from their highest possible good. Sometimes, however, there are situations that strike at my fears and I find myself interacting in ways that debase me. As George Bernard Shaw wrote, “The test of a man or woman’s breeding is how they behave in a quarrel.” With Ex-man, I’m ashamed to say, our quarrels were often like meeting at the level of the lowest common denominator.
The above quote from the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh is so true. There were countless times when Ex-man and I were together that I left my connection with myself in order to grasp at a connection with him. When we got into quarrels my inner voice would often say quietly, “Leave it” but my loud and obnoxious voice would say, “No, he’s going to hear me” and I would proceed to engage him, usually in conflict. In this process, I lost the ability to have any real connection with him because he was not in a receptive place. More importantly, I lost myself. The underlying query is, why would I think that a connection with another was more important than my connection with myself?
The people whom I admire in life are those that are able to hold their integrity when others do not – Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, etc. The trick is, how do I do this with Ex-man who seems to have a knack for sniffing out my fears, pressing my hot buttons, and triggering me? How do I interact with Ex-man (or anyone else for that matter) when he is coming from a less-than-optimal place? I know when I am able to answer this question, I will feel less like a fraction and more like a whole.
I wish I had some answers here, but clearly, this is something that I am still learning. The good news is that a breakup is the perfect classroom. How can you not lose yourself when feelings of anger, isolation, abandonment, and scarcity are being triggered? How can you hold the space of integrity if you are constantly brushing up against your ex?
Leap Year
337.5 Marbles -
Oh God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Oh ooh and God, give me the courage to love with an open heart
To love with an open heart, to love with an open heart,
I wanna love with an open heart
Oh ooh oh with an open heart
India.Arie “Intro Loving”
So it’s five years after the original 365 marble year and this year has an extra leap year marble. I thought of ignoring that extra darn marble - it was only supposed to be 365 marbles, after all - but that didn’t seem right. I thought of adding an extra entry at the end of the year, but that didn’t seem right either. Instead, I’ve decided to write about one of the themes that emerged from that first marble year - serenity - in my layman’s terms - nonreactive calmness - a peace with all that is, even when what “is” appears to be lousy.
I realized when I wrote the entry “Songchronicity” (Marble 360) that I omitted the above song by India.Arie that was an integral part of my playlist. The song, which is obviously inspired by the Serenity Prayer, was part of my morning and my ride into work ritual. The original prayer was written by Reinhold Niebuhr and the full version asks for the ability to live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept hardship as a pathway to peace. As the first marble year progressed, I realized that I was working towards embodying the serenity prayer. Among other things, I was learning to accept the breakup (the thing I could not change) and build a "new normal" for myself and my kids. I was working at changing the things that I could change in my life (back at school, learning to stretch my writing muscles, and then following my guidance on which ideas to pursue). And always, I ask for the ability to discern the changeable from the fixed.
India.Arie’s song continues after the Serenity Prayer ends and asks for “the courage to love with an open heart.” What I know for sure is that the marbles allowed my raisin of a heart to plump up again so that I was able, when the time was right, to love myself, my children, my friends, and a lover with more fullness.
It has been challenging at times to post some of the entries from early on in the breakup when I was particularly raw. At times I’ve wanted to go back and shake that other me and say, “Let go already, move on, sayonara” but I needed time and a soft place. It’s funny that a mound of marbles became my soft place to land.
Could you spend some time contemplating the fixed, unchangeable aspects of your life? Ask for the grace to be yielding in these areas. What are the areas that, through your volition, are more dynamic and changeable? Be brave enough to do what it takes to change them if they're not working for you.
Oh God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Oh ooh and God, give me the courage to love with an open heart
To love with an open heart, to love with an open heart,
I wanna love with an open heart
Oh ooh oh with an open heart
India.Arie “Intro Loving”
So it’s five years after the original 365 marble year and this year has an extra leap year marble. I thought of ignoring that extra darn marble - it was only supposed to be 365 marbles, after all - but that didn’t seem right. I thought of adding an extra entry at the end of the year, but that didn’t seem right either. Instead, I’ve decided to write about one of the themes that emerged from that first marble year - serenity - in my layman’s terms - nonreactive calmness - a peace with all that is, even when what “is” appears to be lousy.
I realized when I wrote the entry “Songchronicity” (Marble 360) that I omitted the above song by India.Arie that was an integral part of my playlist. The song, which is obviously inspired by the Serenity Prayer, was part of my morning and my ride into work ritual. The original prayer was written by Reinhold Niebuhr and the full version asks for the ability to live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept hardship as a pathway to peace. As the first marble year progressed, I realized that I was working towards embodying the serenity prayer. Among other things, I was learning to accept the breakup (the thing I could not change) and build a "new normal" for myself and my kids. I was working at changing the things that I could change in my life (back at school, learning to stretch my writing muscles, and then following my guidance on which ideas to pursue). And always, I ask for the ability to discern the changeable from the fixed.
India.Arie’s song continues after the Serenity Prayer ends and asks for “the courage to love with an open heart.” What I know for sure is that the marbles allowed my raisin of a heart to plump up again so that I was able, when the time was right, to love myself, my children, my friends, and a lover with more fullness.
It has been challenging at times to post some of the entries from early on in the breakup when I was particularly raw. At times I’ve wanted to go back and shake that other me and say, “Let go already, move on, sayonara” but I needed time and a soft place. It’s funny that a mound of marbles became my soft place to land.
Could you spend some time contemplating the fixed, unchangeable aspects of your life? Ask for the grace to be yielding in these areas. What are the areas that, through your volition, are more dynamic and changeable? Be brave enough to do what it takes to change them if they're not working for you.
Keys and Boundaries
338 Marbles
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
I took the key to my place from Ex-man today. It was a boundary of sorts. He looked at me like I was a drama queen and said as he passed over the key, “We don’t have to do this.” I replied, “You may not have to, but I do.”
My place was once our shared space. He was entering it, taking things out after he moved, acting as if it was still his space. When I go to his place on a kid exchange, I act as a visitor would, asking to use the washroom etc. Taking the key back helps me clear him from our space – now my space with the kids.
So that's the physical boundary of keys and spaces but there's also an emotional boundary that has to be established. The last few times I saw Ex-man, he greeted me with tales of woe, car problems, a hedge-height issue with a neighbour. I found myself putting up a rigid boundary, almost floating out of my body because my unease was so great. Inside I felt, “It’s not my responsibility to hear about your car problems.” Yes, he could have been merely venting, and yes, it could be that I shouldn’t feel like I have to fix it, but I do. I have an overriding maternal MO that kicks in even in our non-relationship relationship. I take it on. My bad.
My wise friend, Rayana, suggests that I exchange his negative with a positive. If he tells me something that’s not working, I give him back something that is working. I tried this today. I picked him up when his work truck broke down near my house – we have been friends since we were fourteen and after all, he did teach me to drive. On the way back to his house, I could feel myself flying away, zorting out. Instead of engaging in his negative talk about his truck, I told him about the great bike ride I had to my class this morning. I stayed present. It worked, for me at least, and I guess it’s not longer my place to make it work for him. Perhaps it never was.
Can you be conscious of both your physical and emotional boundaries with your ex? Are there fences that have to be mended or built between the two of you?
Check out Rayana De Silva http://rayanadesilva.com/
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Robert Frost
I took the key to my place from Ex-man today. It was a boundary of sorts. He looked at me like I was a drama queen and said as he passed over the key, “We don’t have to do this.” I replied, “You may not have to, but I do.”
My place was once our shared space. He was entering it, taking things out after he moved, acting as if it was still his space. When I go to his place on a kid exchange, I act as a visitor would, asking to use the washroom etc. Taking the key back helps me clear him from our space – now my space with the kids.
So that's the physical boundary of keys and spaces but there's also an emotional boundary that has to be established. The last few times I saw Ex-man, he greeted me with tales of woe, car problems, a hedge-height issue with a neighbour. I found myself putting up a rigid boundary, almost floating out of my body because my unease was so great. Inside I felt, “It’s not my responsibility to hear about your car problems.” Yes, he could have been merely venting, and yes, it could be that I shouldn’t feel like I have to fix it, but I do. I have an overriding maternal MO that kicks in even in our non-relationship relationship. I take it on. My bad.
My wise friend, Rayana, suggests that I exchange his negative with a positive. If he tells me something that’s not working, I give him back something that is working. I tried this today. I picked him up when his work truck broke down near my house – we have been friends since we were fourteen and after all, he did teach me to drive. On the way back to his house, I could feel myself flying away, zorting out. Instead of engaging in his negative talk about his truck, I told him about the great bike ride I had to my class this morning. I stayed present. It worked, for me at least, and I guess it’s not longer my place to make it work for him. Perhaps it never was.
Can you be conscious of both your physical and emotional boundaries with your ex? Are there fences that have to be mended or built between the two of you?
Check out Rayana De Silva http://rayanadesilva.com/
And the Oscar Goes to . . .
339 Marbles
I was blessed by a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between.
Ani DiFranco
In my place in time and space, we've recently had the Oscars. The whole pomp and circumstance has gotten me thinking about this production called life. I’ve acted as producer of my life but I’ve also been writer, director, and casting agent. This is particularly daunting with reference to an ex, but I cast him as well. If a marble a day keeps old patterns away, I’m open to the idea that the next person I cast will play a different role.
Here’s the thing – the beginning of most relationships is a bit of a smoke and mirrors show. Most of the time, I’ve ended up projecting a pile of stuff onto my mates as if they were an empty screen. The screen eventually comes down and this is when the “romantic love” stage moves into the love stage (if you’re lucky). In return, I’ve taken whatever role they were casting at the time, even if the role at times called for an evil she-devil of a leading lady. Hey, it kept me working didn’t it?
Another reason for the marbles is this – I can’t trust myself to stand in integrity in a relationship if someone’s subconscious puts out a casting call for a villainous leading lady. I know a bit of which I speak. When I was younger, I cast an ex-husband who had a healthy view of love. I left him because although my conscious casting agent knew he was a good leading man, my subconscious one didn’t like the way he played the part,"Where's the drama?" I also believe that Ex-man had some deep rooted issues around women in his life and that I often stepped into his less than optimal casting call.
I think my job over the next year is to get my two casting agents on the same page. The marbles remind me that it’s better to play leading lady in my own movie than to play a bit part in someone else’s. They also remind me that I have one shot to make this production called my life into an Oscar winning performance.
Could you take responsibility for the people you have in your life? You are the casting agent. Could you appreciate the people who play loving, supportive roles? If there are people in roles that you don't like, see if the roles can be rewritten. If not, consider firing their sorry butts. You're the producer, aren't you?
As yogini and writer Sadie Nardini says,"Inviting the wrong person along for the ride can ruin a perfectly good adventure."
I was blessed by a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between.
Ani DiFranco
In my place in time and space, we've recently had the Oscars. The whole pomp and circumstance has gotten me thinking about this production called life. I’ve acted as producer of my life but I’ve also been writer, director, and casting agent. This is particularly daunting with reference to an ex, but I cast him as well. If a marble a day keeps old patterns away, I’m open to the idea that the next person I cast will play a different role.
Here’s the thing – the beginning of most relationships is a bit of a smoke and mirrors show. Most of the time, I’ve ended up projecting a pile of stuff onto my mates as if they were an empty screen. The screen eventually comes down and this is when the “romantic love” stage moves into the love stage (if you’re lucky). In return, I’ve taken whatever role they were casting at the time, even if the role at times called for an evil she-devil of a leading lady. Hey, it kept me working didn’t it?
Another reason for the marbles is this – I can’t trust myself to stand in integrity in a relationship if someone’s subconscious puts out a casting call for a villainous leading lady. I know a bit of which I speak. When I was younger, I cast an ex-husband who had a healthy view of love. I left him because although my conscious casting agent knew he was a good leading man, my subconscious one didn’t like the way he played the part,"Where's the drama?" I also believe that Ex-man had some deep rooted issues around women in his life and that I often stepped into his less than optimal casting call.
I think my job over the next year is to get my two casting agents on the same page. The marbles remind me that it’s better to play leading lady in my own movie than to play a bit part in someone else’s. They also remind me that I have one shot to make this production called my life into an Oscar winning performance.
Could you take responsibility for the people you have in your life? You are the casting agent. Could you appreciate the people who play loving, supportive roles? If there are people in roles that you don't like, see if the roles can be rewritten. If not, consider firing their sorry butts. You're the producer, aren't you?
As yogini and writer Sadie Nardini says,"Inviting the wrong person along for the ride can ruin a perfectly good adventure."
Changing Hairdressers
340 Marbles
The aftershock of a breakup shakes areas that seem to be unrelated to the epicenter. The seismic upheaval sends ripples through many areas of life. For me, one of these areas is my hairdresser. I’ve had the same hairdresser for about eight years. She’s a friend of Ex-man’s brother and his partner. Our sons have grown into friends. Yet when I think of going to see her now, it makes me uneasy. I don’t want to partake in the “he said, she said”. I don’t want the questions about what happened. I want to opt out and change hairdressers.
Admittedly, I’m not the best client as I tend to go as long as possible between cuts and so far, color hasn’t been an issue; I’ve stuck with my regular color (no “blondage” for me) and good genes have kept the grays away. Yet the idea of changing hairdressers isn’t to be taken lightly. Most women feel that switching a regular hairdresser (or seeing another one on the side) is akin to being a tress adulteress. I’m feeling a bit guilty, but I need to move forward and sometimes that means moving away from the web that connects me to Ex-man. It's time for change.
I decide to write my hairdresser a note, thanking her for the years of service and explaining that I needed a change, it wasn't her- it was me, and didn’t want to her to be my default “hairapist.” Then I dropped it off at her salon which is right by my work. Now all I have to do is find another amazing hairdresser.
Could you be conscious of the areas in your life that keep you connected to your past life with your ex? Some of these areas may be necessary connections (children, family, joint friends) but others may not support your moving into your new life. Can you let go of he ones that don't support you?
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