Zero
Is where the Real Fun starts.
There's too much counting
Everywhere else!
Hafiz
For the first while after the breakup, the breakup itself felt like it was the center of my universe - everything revolved around it. I was raw and most of my energy was spent on surviving the breakup.
As the marbles past, I once again found my center. When I was firmly on my feet, my family functioned better. I was then able to lift my head up and ask this question, “What does my life require of me now?”
And yet, I still carried negative feelings for Ex-man - he still annoyed me and I secretly blamed him for our breakup. Until one restorative yoga class and one visit to the infrared sauna.
I had listened to an interview with Marianne Williamson who said that if you were having trouble with forgiving someone, pray for them and bless them every day for a month. By the end of the month either something will shift with them or something will shift in you. So I decided to give it a try.
In the middle of this process, I went to a yoga class where the teacher spent a great deal of time stretching out our necks. My neck is incredibly tight and my massage therapist once told me, "You hold Ex-man in your neck." She explained that every time she worked on my neck, I would randomly start talking about Ex-man, or he would come to her mind.
So there I was at my yoga class, getting Ex-man stretched out of my neck. I proceeded into the infrared sauna where I continued to stretch out my neck. Each time I moved into a new position, I heard the clear question, "Are you willing to let go of all the stories?" After hearing this question several times, I silently responded, "If I let go of all of the stories, what will I replace them with?" The answer came immediately, "Knowing that he tried."
I will tell you, Dear Reader, that I did not sweat a drop in that infrared sauna, but at that moment my eyes started sweating profusely. That eye sweat streamed down my cheeks and, as Marianne Williamson suggested, something shifted in me. And then there was more space, more space in my neck, more space in me to create the life that I want. (And, yes, the irony is that this is one of my stories.)
"What does your life require of you?"
Check out this piece from performance poet Sarah Kay:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-8jtBOorpE
If you've just landed here for the first time, Welcome! I suggest reading the tabbed pages above (Foreword, The 365 Marble Commitment, and Dear Reader) and then starting in the archive at "365 Marbles - Clearing Space."
If you've come with me this far, Dear Reader, check out the "Afterword" in the tabs above. And the sequel blog - More Marbles: Navigating Online Dating, One Marble at a Time http://datingmarbles.blogspot.ca/.
And, you know what they say, "A rolling marble gathers no moss." Please pass these posts on to anyone you think might enjoy them - friends who have recently experienced a breakup, family members, therapists, or publishers. Let's keep these marbles rolling...
Que Sera Sera
One Marble
Most critical is the resolution of the orphan dilemma, which allows Magicians to trust and submit to a power greater than themselves saying,“Thy will be done.”
Carol S. Pearson “The Hero’s Journey”
I’m on the plane going to New Orleans. The song, “Que Sera Sera” comes on my head- set. My mother used to sing that song to me when I was young and it infuriated me. How ridiculous – asking someone what the future will hold only to be told what will be, will be (over and over again). It’s so passive. What about actively taking things into our own hands?
I’m trying to make peace with “what will be, will be.” I named the first episode of my series after that bloody song but as life takes its inevitable twists and turns, I sometimes wish I’d called the pilot, “My way or the highway.” Yet as one of my great writing teachers noted, “You write what you need to learn.”
I used to have this recurrent dream: I was in the backseat of a car and there was no driver. I had no control of the steering wheel and I was in complete and utter terror. I would try to climb into the front seat and get my hands and legs on the pedals but I was never successful. I’d be left driving in an out-of-control vehicle.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. Now, I picture myself in backseat with my sticky fingers off the steering wheel, sitting back and enjoying the ride. I used to feel that if I didn't control things, things wouldn't work out. Now I attempt to balance action with allowance. I'm working on surrender, and yes, the fact that I'm "working on it" means that I'm not quite there yet.
*********************************************************************
I arrive in New Orleans tonight for Mardi Gras. Dude greets me wearing a retro sweater circa The Cosby Show. He takes me to a Southern style all-you-can-eat buffet.
We go to dude’s house and he waits until midnight until my last marble has lapsed. My final marble lands on New Orleans soil. Then, garment by garment, I take off my clothes…
Most critical is the resolution of the orphan dilemma, which allows Magicians to trust and submit to a power greater than themselves saying,“Thy will be done.”
Carol S. Pearson “The Hero’s Journey”
I’m on the plane going to New Orleans. The song, “Que Sera Sera” comes on my head- set. My mother used to sing that song to me when I was young and it infuriated me. How ridiculous – asking someone what the future will hold only to be told what will be, will be (over and over again). It’s so passive. What about actively taking things into our own hands?
I’m trying to make peace with “what will be, will be.” I named the first episode of my series after that bloody song but as life takes its inevitable twists and turns, I sometimes wish I’d called the pilot, “My way or the highway.” Yet as one of my great writing teachers noted, “You write what you need to learn.”
I used to have this recurrent dream: I was in the backseat of a car and there was no driver. I had no control of the steering wheel and I was in complete and utter terror. I would try to climb into the front seat and get my hands and legs on the pedals but I was never successful. I’d be left driving in an out-of-control vehicle.
It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. Now, I picture myself in backseat with my sticky fingers off the steering wheel, sitting back and enjoying the ride. I used to feel that if I didn't control things, things wouldn't work out. Now I attempt to balance action with allowance. I'm working on surrender, and yes, the fact that I'm "working on it" means that I'm not quite there yet.
*********************************************************************
I arrive in New Orleans tonight for Mardi Gras. Dude greets me wearing a retro sweater circa The Cosby Show. He takes me to a Southern style all-you-can-eat buffet.
We go to dude’s house and he waits until midnight until my last marble has lapsed. My final marble lands on New Orleans soil. Then, garment by garment, I take off my clothes…
Ex-man’s Birthday
2 Marbles
Here are some questions I am constantly noodling over: Do you splurge or do you hoard? Do you live every day as if it's your last, or do you save your money on the chance you'll live twenty more years? Is life too short, or is it going to be too long? Do you work as hard as you can, or do you slow down to smell the roses? And where do carbohydrates fit into all this? Are we really all going to spend our last years avoiding bread, especially now that bread in American is so unbelievable delicious? And what about chocolate?
Nora Ephron “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”
I hear you, Nora, and I’ll add, “When you break up with the father of your children, do you spend time with him or do you go about your merry way as separately as possible?” Which is better for the kids?
I gave birth to my youngest son at home with the help of a midwife. While I was in early labor, my ex-husband came by to pick up our son and my daughter to take care of them until their brother was born. When he left, my midwife asked, “Was that your ex?” I answered that it was. She said that it reminded her of her own benevolent relationship with her ex-husband. Her and her ex had always managed to keep the peace and make decisions that were in the kids’ best interest but when the kids grew up, they came to her and said, “It was really hard for us growing up with you and dad - all of our friends whose parents were divorced couldn’t even be in the same room with each other but we could see you and dad still loved each other and got along. We couldn’t understand why you weren’t together.” She chuckled as she recalled the story saying, “You can’t win.”
Ah, but if only life were so simple. If only it were black and white, love and hate. But even science has found that love and hate are not completely exclusive. The nervous circuits in the brain responsible for love and hate are the same even though they appear to be opposite emotions (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html). But as Elie Wiesel says, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” When you can be indifferent to an ex, you know that there is no love left; until then, love exists even when it shows up as hate. Hate is an emotion of protection and guised strength. It’s so much easier to wear a hate trench coat when around an ex than to flash the vulnerable heart that still beats underneath.
But enough noodling over love, hate, and where an ex fits in. In two days, it's Ex-man’s birthday and, in keeping with “tradition” (as my kids like to call it), tonight I took Ex-man and clan out to a Mexican restaurant. When I looked up on the wall over our table, I saw a map of Mexico with nearby Louisiana and New Orleans. My marbles are nearly done, my bags are packed and I’m ready to leave the past in the past and head out into my future…
Do you wear a trench coat of hate around your ex?
Here are some questions I am constantly noodling over: Do you splurge or do you hoard? Do you live every day as if it's your last, or do you save your money on the chance you'll live twenty more years? Is life too short, or is it going to be too long? Do you work as hard as you can, or do you slow down to smell the roses? And where do carbohydrates fit into all this? Are we really all going to spend our last years avoiding bread, especially now that bread in American is so unbelievable delicious? And what about chocolate?
Nora Ephron “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”
I hear you, Nora, and I’ll add, “When you break up with the father of your children, do you spend time with him or do you go about your merry way as separately as possible?” Which is better for the kids?
I gave birth to my youngest son at home with the help of a midwife. While I was in early labor, my ex-husband came by to pick up our son and my daughter to take care of them until their brother was born. When he left, my midwife asked, “Was that your ex?” I answered that it was. She said that it reminded her of her own benevolent relationship with her ex-husband. Her and her ex had always managed to keep the peace and make decisions that were in the kids’ best interest but when the kids grew up, they came to her and said, “It was really hard for us growing up with you and dad - all of our friends whose parents were divorced couldn’t even be in the same room with each other but we could see you and dad still loved each other and got along. We couldn’t understand why you weren’t together.” She chuckled as she recalled the story saying, “You can’t win.”
Ah, but if only life were so simple. If only it were black and white, love and hate. But even science has found that love and hate are not completely exclusive. The nervous circuits in the brain responsible for love and hate are the same even though they appear to be opposite emotions (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html). But as Elie Wiesel says, “The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.” When you can be indifferent to an ex, you know that there is no love left; until then, love exists even when it shows up as hate. Hate is an emotion of protection and guised strength. It’s so much easier to wear a hate trench coat when around an ex than to flash the vulnerable heart that still beats underneath.
But enough noodling over love, hate, and where an ex fits in. In two days, it's Ex-man’s birthday and, in keeping with “tradition” (as my kids like to call it), tonight I took Ex-man and clan out to a Mexican restaurant. When I looked up on the wall over our table, I saw a map of Mexico with nearby Louisiana and New Orleans. My marbles are nearly done, my bags are packed and I’m ready to leave the past in the past and head out into my future…
Do you wear a trench coat of hate around your ex?
Beginner’s Mind
3 Marbles
An infant who has just learned to hold his head up has a frank and forthright way of gazing about him in bewilderment. He hasn’t the faintest clue where he is, and he aims to learn. In a couple of years, what he will have learned instead is how to fake it: he’ll have the cocksure air of a squatter who has come to feel he owns the place. Some unwonted, taught pride diverts us from our original intent, which is to explore the neighborhood, view the landscape, to discover at least where it is that we have been so startingly set down, if we can’t learn why.
Annie Dillard, “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek”
I recently read an article about Joshua Bell’s stint in a Washington subway station. This famous violinist busked in the rush-hour DC metro station for pocket change on his $3.5 million violin. During his impromptu recital, barely a soul stopped to listen to the same music that he played to a sold-out crowd only a two nights before. A few children stopped but were scurried along by their parents. As I read the article to a friend, I barely made it to the end through the tears in my eyes. I’ll admit I was premenstrual, but the underlying questions still lingered, “Is this what we’ve become?” “How can we frivolously pass by magic and beauty and take no heed?” “Do we have no time for beginner’s mind when we’re late for work?” (Check out: http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bell.asp, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw)
I’ve been that parent that has needed to hurry a toddler along who was captivated by a creeping caterpillar or engrossed in the sensations of slowly melting ice cream. I’ve also had moments of surrender when I remembered to see the magic of the world through their eyes, then my own eyes. In those moments I managed to throw the word patience out the door in lieu of being present.
Beginner’s mind is a Zen Buddhist term that describes having openness, willingness, and lack of judgments when approaching a subject. It is a spirit of inquisitiveness expressed by Einstein when he said, “It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” It is the ability to break out of our routines, see things with fresh eyes, smell things with new noses, touch things with virgin fingers, and hear things (such as Joshua Bell in a metro station) with eager ears. It is, as Annie Dillard exemplifies, showing up as pilgrims in our world.
What would it take to wake up in the morning with beginner’s mind? What would it take to commit to not missing the wonder of the day? What would it take to appreciate the magic of the moment?
An infant who has just learned to hold his head up has a frank and forthright way of gazing about him in bewilderment. He hasn’t the faintest clue where he is, and he aims to learn. In a couple of years, what he will have learned instead is how to fake it: he’ll have the cocksure air of a squatter who has come to feel he owns the place. Some unwonted, taught pride diverts us from our original intent, which is to explore the neighborhood, view the landscape, to discover at least where it is that we have been so startingly set down, if we can’t learn why.
Annie Dillard, “Pilgrim at Tinker Creek”
I recently read an article about Joshua Bell’s stint in a Washington subway station. This famous violinist busked in the rush-hour DC metro station for pocket change on his $3.5 million violin. During his impromptu recital, barely a soul stopped to listen to the same music that he played to a sold-out crowd only a two nights before. A few children stopped but were scurried along by their parents. As I read the article to a friend, I barely made it to the end through the tears in my eyes. I’ll admit I was premenstrual, but the underlying questions still lingered, “Is this what we’ve become?” “How can we frivolously pass by magic and beauty and take no heed?” “Do we have no time for beginner’s mind when we’re late for work?” (Check out: http://www.snopes.com/music/artists/bell.asp, and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnOPu0_YWhw)
I’ve been that parent that has needed to hurry a toddler along who was captivated by a creeping caterpillar or engrossed in the sensations of slowly melting ice cream. I’ve also had moments of surrender when I remembered to see the magic of the world through their eyes, then my own eyes. In those moments I managed to throw the word patience out the door in lieu of being present.
Beginner’s mind is a Zen Buddhist term that describes having openness, willingness, and lack of judgments when approaching a subject. It is a spirit of inquisitiveness expressed by Einstein when he said, “It is not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer.” It is the ability to break out of our routines, see things with fresh eyes, smell things with new noses, touch things with virgin fingers, and hear things (such as Joshua Bell in a metro station) with eager ears. It is, as Annie Dillard exemplifies, showing up as pilgrims in our world.
What would it take to wake up in the morning with beginner’s mind? What would it take to commit to not missing the wonder of the day? What would it take to appreciate the magic of the moment?
Vulnerability
4 Marbles
I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.
Duke Ellington
These marbles have been a vulnerable pursuit. I’ve written about my failed celibacy attempts, my emotions, my thoughts, and my judgments. I’ve declared myself having figured it all out one marble only to realize two marbles later that I was being a jerk. Bottom line, I’ve been human.
If you’re not one of the nearly 7.5 million people that have viewed Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” TEDtalk, do yourself a favor and check it out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. Brown relates vulnerability as the ability to take emotional risk, be exposed, and have uncertainty. In her estimation, it is the “the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” She suggests that vulnerability and the willingness to allow ourselves to be seen is the most accurate measurement of courage. She also explains that “you can’t selectively numb emotions” so when you numb the “negative” emotions (like the ones after a breakup) you also numb joy, happiness, and gratitude. The goal is to move through disappointment and approach life as one of the “whole-hearted” - someone who has a strong sense of love and belonging.
This breakup triggered so many feelings in me: abandonment, anger, failure, not being good enough, the list goes on. But I’ve seen too many people shut down their hearts and their lives after a breakup by: losing weight, gaining weight, smoking more, drinking, and sleeping around, all in an effort to numb the pain. Each day, I’ve taken the energy it would have taken to pout and I've written some marbles (Okay, so I pouted a bit along the way).
Our job is to move through, marble by marble, and show up in the world; Our world needs us whole, not perfect, just whole.
Author Neil Gaiman said, “The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you: Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.” What part of yourself are you not sharing with the world? Can you show up in the world wholeheartedly? Do you feel worthy of love and belonging?
I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.
Duke Ellington
These marbles have been a vulnerable pursuit. I’ve written about my failed celibacy attempts, my emotions, my thoughts, and my judgments. I’ve declared myself having figured it all out one marble only to realize two marbles later that I was being a jerk. Bottom line, I’ve been human.
If you’re not one of the nearly 7.5 million people that have viewed Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” TEDtalk, do yourself a favor and check it out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. Brown relates vulnerability as the ability to take emotional risk, be exposed, and have uncertainty. In her estimation, it is the “the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.” She suggests that vulnerability and the willingness to allow ourselves to be seen is the most accurate measurement of courage. She also explains that “you can’t selectively numb emotions” so when you numb the “negative” emotions (like the ones after a breakup) you also numb joy, happiness, and gratitude. The goal is to move through disappointment and approach life as one of the “whole-hearted” - someone who has a strong sense of love and belonging.
This breakup triggered so many feelings in me: abandonment, anger, failure, not being good enough, the list goes on. But I’ve seen too many people shut down their hearts and their lives after a breakup by: losing weight, gaining weight, smoking more, drinking, and sleeping around, all in an effort to numb the pain. Each day, I’ve taken the energy it would have taken to pout and I've written some marbles (Okay, so I pouted a bit along the way).
Our job is to move through, marble by marble, and show up in the world; Our world needs us whole, not perfect, just whole.
Author Neil Gaiman said, “The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you: Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can.” What part of yourself are you not sharing with the world? Can you show up in the world wholeheartedly? Do you feel worthy of love and belonging?
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